ziaryx3 - Tumblr blog

[ziaryx3]

august 29 - i’ve seemingly made some grave mistakes. i need to draw back. i rlly do. my emotions are getting too much to bare. it’s literally the first week of the semester as well.

[ziaryx3]

he makes me so jealous and inclined to be so petty sometimes. i’m not sure what demon possessed me but it’s all rose colored to him so i guess i don’t have to worry yet. but i’d be so hateful. i’d be so cold. because i feel so loved, so warm.

[ziaryx3]

august 28 - seems like ive lost my words again. oops. i started my 3rd and my god i hope my last semester at my current cc. nvr understood how one truly puts school first. i’ve yet to look at any assignment let alone the syllabus of either class. blah blah.

[ziaryx3]

august 15 - i think the dose of emotional maturity i will have to swallow with [redacted] will be so much needed for me but i am retching and heaving loudly the whole way. but i do it in the bathroom, and i bite my tongue.

[ziaryx3]

august 13 - horrified of myself and disgusted. i rlly let my body go. after i starved and starved for so long i just fucking gave it up. and now i’m back to where it started.

[ziaryx3]

august 4 - i feel like there’s been so much going on i haven’t had enough time to process everything. i tried my best to complete my classes. i went to see hayden at the lodge he works at, that was great. i then proceed to tell my family i was going to move to columbia somewhat off a bit of a whim but it resulted in a big emotional moment of complete sorrow and self pity for my stupid little town and my stupid little life i can’t be content with so they let me have a 3 day vacation so i went to hayden’s monday-tuesday then stayed tuesday night with olivia and went back home today. i miss hayden so much. i hate to say it but we are already talking abt moving in together. and to not lie. it’s a mutual crazy idea lol i cannot run from this unfortunate fact of the matter. i’m insane for this person. i feel lost without him. it scares me.

[ziaryx3]

july 30 - feel completely manic. living in this life makes me feel like i’m absolutely insane for just trying to live for myself. i cant handle the guilt. i cant handle the lying anymore. i cant handle the pressure. i just want my own life that’s all i’ve ever wanted but i’m so fuckinf scared. please god let me move out. please god give me a life i can work with. one ounce of freedom in this world. my mother feels no empathy towards me. i’ve drained her trust and her mental capacity to comprehend i am a person now. fuck it all i don’t want to be anyone’s child at this point. i don’t even like the dynamic.

[ziaryx3]

july 27 - i wish i could kill myself over not having him first.

[ziaryx3]

july 26 - as someone who was very isolated in my youth, having someone in my room, let alone a member of the opposite sex, was another mile stone feeling i stop and feel a little deeper for a brief moment. i’ve had these moments so much recently. i always feel them right in front of him, and i see them in his face. its a great feeling.

[ziaryx3]

things that need to start tomorrow:

study for finals

begin eating properly again

make plans with hayden

things that need to happen next week:

take my finals

lose weight

see hayden

check about plans with jessa

book doctors appointment

look for new job

[ziaryx3]

july 24 - my body and my mind have never been able to take it slow, despite my souls inability to keep up with the consequences of a fast paced life. i’ve wanted everything and i’ve wanted it now since i reached the fifth and final level of psychological development around 1st grade. the finish line post self awareness was reached in 4th grade when i felt the first ever wave of depression in my life. i’ve been disqualified from racing ever since for being medically unfit. i see everyone running their laps though.

[ziaryx3]

the anxiety hit, as i had previously mentioned on july 14th

that moment when i lay in bed and slowly process how overwhelming everything has been. i think i need serious help in these moments. all angles of reality slapping me in my face. i felt it again just now when my computer screen finally went black. that always gave me anxiety for some reason. carrying on tho my chest is tight right now for anxiety i’m having about the past present and future. i’m shaking now legitimately.. maybe i should stop.

[ziaryx3]

that moment when i lay in bed and slowly process how overwhelming everything has been. i think i need serious help in these moments. all angles of reality slapping me in my face. i felt it again just now when my computer screen finally went black. that always gave me anxiety for some reason. carrying on tho my chest is tight right now for anxiety i’m having about the past present and future. i’m shaking now legitimately.. maybe i should stop.

[ziaryx3]

july 14 - skipping class towards the end of the semester like this is beginning to give me anxiety. i know i shouldn’t but i simply just don’t have anything done and i can’t show up without these done. i’ll just take my sick leave and make sure it’s done by monday. and next week seems like it will be crazy because i may be going up to saint louis again and there may be acid involved. i’m waiting for the anxiety of that situation to hit me but i want to just be with him so bad so i’m going to get myself up and through it. i miss him so much. i miss the time in stl so much. i just have to get all my business straight by monday and then i can turn up.

[ziaryx3]

july 11 - it seems like my heart and mind can only go one of 2 ways. i’m either completely resentful cold and guarded from someone or i’m so open and easy to use i’m merely an outside doormat. i don’t rlly believe balance is a meaningful thing at all anymore. does anything really become without the tilt of a scale? it doesn’t make sense to me. no one will give if you do not put your hand out. no one will leave if you don’t close the door.

[ziaryx3]

*opens childhood bedroom door to show future boyfriend* well this is where the sadness happens!

[ziaryx3]

july 9 - i feel like i’m going crazy or something. this guy says such intensive loving things it’s hard to not move fast but im rlly scared and feeling like there’s no time with him. no time is enough and we just simply do not have enough until he moves to chicago.