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Girl Code Felony!

               Ah yes Girl Code, the list of rules all girls must obey in order not to get kicked out of the community. LOL. I was once a stickler for these rules not so long ago. I still am, but not as intense. I have gone through certain experiences that have made me question this so called “universal law”. One of the things I find absurd is the fact that it is assumed that every girl knows these rules. In other words, no one should tell you what the rules are..you should just know it because you’re a girl. Aunty how please? I agree that everyone should have a moral code ergo, know what is good and what isn’t. However, is girl code really a moral code? To an extent, yes but in all aspects? I disagree. You wouldn’t believe how many friendships have been ruined due to not knowing “the rules”. Who even makes these rules and who is to say one is guilty or not.

                Don’t get me wrong, there are things you shouldn’t do to another girl you consider your “friend”, you don’t need to be told.However the keyword here is “friend”, this another point most girls overlook. It’s better and safer to look at the term, Girl code as rules or obligations you owe to your FRIEND and that a FRIEND owes to you, not a girl you barely know. When you have this understanding, it saves you a lot of stress and you have less expectations from people. I’m purposely going to talk about girl codes that involve guys, simply because guys are the main cause of major fall outs between girls (that was hard to admit). Some of these girl codes include;

1. Never ever go after your friend’s boyfriend: This is a huge NO NO. Like are you mad? I don’t even see my friend’s boyfriend as proper guys lol, sounds funny but it’s true. I won’t use the term brother, because most girls abuse it and over do. He’s still a guy, always remember that. Even if the mumu is the one on your case, set him straight! Clear him and his entire existence. He must be mad. This is why I don’t even like being too close to my friend’s boyfriend. Girls that do this need to STAAPP!. I’ll explain this later on.  Don’t even be in a haste to tell your friend her boyfriend is hitting on you. Yes, I said that. Don’t just assume, subtle hints or flirts are not enough to go running to your friend. If you don’t feel comfortable tell him to stop. If he persists..finish him no time to be nice since he doesn’t want to respect himself! If all these fails and he’s still at it then you can tell your friend. Before you do this,gather your facts..what do i mean? SCREENSHOTS girl! They never lie!

2. Don’t form “bestie” with your friend’s man: Like I said earlier, this so annoying! It’s not “cute” it’s annoying. Don’t be forming “sister” all in the name of trying to keep an eye on him. Private investigator who sent you! That’s how you will go and put yourself inside wahala. I don’t even get why girls do this. I don’t care if you knew him before I did, aunty pack and go. You’ve been replaced. I hate it when people say that girls who have a problem with their boyfriend having female best friends are insecure. Girlfriends who say this are HIGH. You’re claiming”main chick” title but your man is telling another female his deepest fears, problems, goals etc and you’re there. Madam secure...continue o! I’m not saying he shouldn’t have female friends, hell I have loads of male friends but it’s the thought of him being more comfortable with telling another FEMALE the issues he’s facing and not me that makes me feel uneasy. Doesn’t it sound odd? It’s normal to have a number of close friends that they are free with it, but not when he’s always chilling with a particular girl, going out all the time and the girl is now my friend? You’re not alright if you think that’s okay.

3. Never leak secrets to your friend’s man: A friend of mine told us she had a crush on a guy she met at a wedding. She told us on our whatsapp group chat. She and the guy had exchanged numbers and hadn’t stopped talking ever since. My friend happened to have a boyfriend, that wasn’t this guy. Anyway, long story short one the girls took a screenshot of the chat, used a different number and sent the chat to the girl’s boyfriend.You can guess what happened next. When I heard what happened, I was  just weak. Why on earth would someone do that? Is it your relationship? Something like this would never happen if the guy told his friends the exact same thing...it might but rarely. The point I’m trying to make here is,you have to be careful. Not everyone has your best interest at heart. The girl that took the screenshot wasn’t even a friend to begin with. Yeah they talked now and again but they weren’t really friends. So the mistake she made was thinking that the girl code policy applied to all girls instead of girlfriends.

          I can go on and on but I just wanted to cover a few basics. That being said, I would like to go over the girl code rules I like to call “Gray Rules”. These are some the rules I don’t particularly agree with, main reason being that they’re not always the best approach or not practical in my own opinion. Lets go over them shall we?

1. “Let a girl know when her boyfriend is cheating”: Aunty is it your business??? This is similar to the first point I raised,only difference being that the example given earlier relates to you, and your friend’s boyfriend hitting on you. So it’s a FACT not hearsay and no actual “cheating” had been done. This on the other hand, doesn’t relate to you and the deed has been done or is on going. Before you call me a bad friend, let me explain my point. First of all, did you notice I used the word “girl” and not “friend” in the subheading. This is a huge factor a lot of girls tend to miss. That’s why most the time I feel the term when relating to rules pertaining to guys should be changed to “Girlfriend code”. Lets say for example, I happen to know a boy and girl in a relationship but I’m not close to them in anyway. Heck, the only reason I know they’re dating is because of instagram. So lets say one day I see or hear that her boyfriend is cheating on her. So because of girl code, you actually expect me to go tell the babe (I barely talk to)her man is cheating on her? Lol you’re must be lost in stew. Even if the babe is my friend, I won’t tell her right away to be honest. One thing I have learnt over the past few years up  is that GIRLS CAN BE VERY FUNNY WHEN IT COMES TO GUYS. I have been in a situation where something similar happened and I told my friend.They broke up for a couple of weeks then got back together and before I knew it I was tagged “enemy of progress”. Ha who sent me? I know people are different and the scenarios can be different but the fact remains that you should be careful and tread carefully. We should always have our friend’s back and protect them but wisdom should also be applied and facts should remain facts before you enter soup.

2. “Siblings are off limits” :  Uhhhh but will you marry your brother?? I understand why it’s better to avoid dating your friend’s siblings because they will always be a conflict of interest which will lead to picking sides and nobody wants that.However, I think it’s unnecessary to place a “ban”. Lets be real with ourselves, we can’t help who we fall in love with. You’re keeping your friends away from your brothers but you’re probably dating or will date someone’s brother. Granted, you might not be friends with his sister but do you want your friends to wish they weren’t friends with you just to be with your sibling lol ? I have three elder brothers and not until a few months ago I had never thought of the possibility of my brothers ever being interested in any of my friends. Don’t get me wrong, I have very good looking friends but the thought just never crossed my mind. Well it happened and at first I was a bit uncomfortable. Picturing your brother and friend together isn’t the best image. Another reason being that I knew my brother didn’t have the best reputation (I mean which guy does these days) and I didn’t want a situation where she’d end up getting hurt and then things would be awkward between us. If that happened, I wouldn’t say I would support his side no matter what because I know boys can be dumb but at the same time I won’t be able to be the friend she needs at that point. If you’re trying to avoid this as well here’s an alternative, talk to your friend. Let her know where you stand. Explain what she might be getting herself into (don’t try to kill your brother’s shots though lol) but let her be aware. When you’ve done this and things go south, you two might still be buds.

3. “Ex boyfriends are a NO NO” : Now this is a dicey one, trust me I would know but I’m going to try to get my point across as carefully as I can. Now the term, “ex” in this context is not necessarily limited to someone you’ve dated. It also includes people you have had something with. I wouldn’t necessarily call it a fling but maybe it was leading to something official or maybe you guys were but didn't want to label it or whatever. It just wasn’t a fling or friends with benefit situation. So lets say you dated or had something with this person. You really really liked him but things didn’t work out, might have ended amicably or badly. Then few months later, you find out he’s seeing your friend. Hurts doesn’t it? You might not even like him anymore but he’s seeing your FRIEND....why does it have to be your friend? Why would she even agree to this? She knows you guys were together, you told her everything. To an extent this is a form of betrayal, I agree. However, if we’re being completely honest with ourselves, it might actually not be about you or was even intended to hurt you. I’m not trying to justify the action of the friend that betrayed you but if we’re being real, people can’t help who they fall in love with. Human beings are selfish...yes. They’re billions of guys out there..why did she have to go for him..true. All these questions are valid but the deed has already been done boo.

                 I’m not talking about scenarios where the friend had an ulterior motive or planned/anticipated for it to happen...nah that’s a bitch not a friend.. I’m talking about situations where they met by chance, at least to the friend’s best of knowledge. She had reservations...didn’t jump at it right away. Tried to avoid it or talk herself out of it but at the end of the day couldn’t help but fall. It will hurt especially if you still have feelings for him, or you might just be angry because you thought you would never have to see his smug face again but he has somehow found a way back into your life through your friend. It’s okay to feel this way but at the end of the day you just have to LET IT GO. It’s a slow process, especially if this was a close friend. I’m not saying you guys have to go back to being best buds, most of the time this never happens but don’t make someone else’s happiness your weakness or source of pain. That’s a terrible way to live. Things didn’t work out with that person for a reason and if given another chance you might not even want to go back to that person so why let it bother you? Instead of thinking of the good memories with that person, think of the numerous reasons it didn’t work out. You don’t own anybody. The heart wants what it wants. Don’t make two people miserable because you don’t like the thought of them together. If it bothers you so much, instead of ruining it....leave. Yes, if you can’t recover from the betrayal, you can actually decide to not be friends anymore. It’s not a sign of weakness, you’re doing what’s best for you. I don’t mean you should fight them, but slowly cut them off. Time heals all wounds. You just have to do whatever makes you happy. Never give anyone the power to dictate your emotions. Never.

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Welcome to Uni

                  Hi! I’m Kamsi, a third year Accounting undergraduate of one of the most prestigious schools in Nigeria(or so they say) and this is my student journey.

               “My student journey” basically talks about series of events, experiences, lessons, questions,opinions, tips and tricks I have gathered over the years in uni and have contributed in making me the person I am today. The past three years went by so fast but not without leaving memories which I intend to share from to time to time. But first, I would like to give a brief recap of my first year and certain principles I hold on to so you kind of know where I’m coming from as we proceed on this journey. So lets begin!

                “University” or “uni” as I prefer to call it, is a whirlwind. To me, the word isn’t just  an institution rather it’s a combination of laughter, tears, frustration, drama, boy troubles, school problems etc. To be honest I think actual school work takes up the least percentage of things that Uni involves(well you know except during exams and stuff). I definitely didn’t have this view when I was in my first year or as a “fresher”. Life was so easy and straight forward back then. I had my life all planned out; have a booming social life, find a nice a guy to be with till I graduate and of course my personal favorite, graduate with a first class(oshey barhdest). “I am finally free”, I’d constantly say to myself whenever I was out late or at raves I wouldn’t be allowed to go to if I was home.  No more uniforms(or so I thought), punishments, chores..none of that. I had credit cards now (awon big girl lol). No gpa to worry about then. Uni seemed so easy. Ignorance is truly bliss sha. I wouldn’t really say I was naive in first year. I was well aware of some of the “not so nice things” that went on in school such as lecturers harassing female students, cultism, heartbreaks,failing a student without cause etc. I was aware of the fact that life in uni wasn’t so easy for everyone else but I just felt I could make it easy for myself. I felt like I could control what could and could not happen to me(overconfidence will not kill me).

                    First year is a very crucial year in uni. It usually makes or breaks you, only the strong can survive the consequences of bad decisions taken then and succeed in getting back in line. First year is usually when people make the dumbest decisions ever!Guilty. It’s almost like our brains are on leave till our second year...traitors. Lucky for me, my elder brother(oh yeah I have three) made it a point of duty to make me aware of those “dumb mistakes” people normally make. It was a really long talk but those tips really saved my ass not only in first year but even till my 3rd year. I tried to narrow them down to 5 main tips;

1. Your book is your friend: Wait o! Please don’t leave the page just yet let me explain o! The last thing I want to do is sound like every other Nigerian parent and start talking about how you should aspire to be the best blah blah. Pfft ain’t nobody got time for that honey. All I’m saying is don’t be a fool and fail. Failing in your first year is not really the best way to start your journey. I know everyone cannot be “Chinyere with two heads”(hated that babe in primary school) or a Christina Yang(lol sorry fan girl moment). It’s just all about balance. Try to discover yourself early and do what works for you.

2. Lol shut up you’re not in love: It’s so funny how everyone claims to be in love in first year. Some even go as far as bringing “soul mate” into the mix.My friend sit down. One word, “October rush”. For those who are not familiar with the term, it is simply a period female freshers are constantly sought after by older students.Let me not front is was sweet sha.My phone was constantly buzzing you know! Back then I used to think they could sniff us out. How else could they tell we were freshers. Looking back now, I guess the huge registration files we kept carrying around school probably gave us away lol. Anyway, most guys just saw it as a hobby...a game. They just make you like them for the thrill of it (men are scum lol..joke o) and when you buy into it, the really vile ones go and carry your gist to their friends. So me being the paranoid girl that I am decided not to date or be involved with anyone that year. Just a few dates here and there and I was good. I just felt I didn’t know what i wanted yet and then not everyone was who they portrayed themselves to be. Obviously this doesn’t happen in all cases but I couldn’t take the risk abeg. It wasn’t easy sha o. But later on, I was happy I did especially when my classmates started returning back as single ladies as soon as the next batch of freshers resumed.Relationship goals lol!

3.Aunty save your money: I wish I listened to this! Omg I was loaded in first year. The money was a combination of my first “big” allowance, admission money (money from relatives for gaining admission), pity money(relatives in yankee who feel you must be suffering from the naija uni system lol)etc. So yeah I guess you could say I was balling. I can’t even remember what I blew the money on but I bet it was probably something stupid.Sigh. So yeah if you’re still in first year don’t do that. Save up! Once you enter second year you’re old news..washed up.

4. Be yourself: In uni you’ll meet some of the fakest people ever! Chei! Some people actually go as far as denying their own parents. Don’t ever try to overdo it because the truth of the matter is, it’s really not that deep! Trust me, people don’t give a shit, everyone has their own stuff to deal with. Don’t be that annoying fresher that wants to seem cool and wants everyone to like them. You don’t owe anyone anything. Don’t try to set a standard you won’t be able to keep up with for long.First impressions go a long way, don’t play yourself. There are also those freshers who go through the “rebellion” stage. I met so many of them. Mostly church kids who decide to go wild once they get a whiff of freedom. Classic preacher’s kid behaviour, very entertaining. When you’re being yourself you “reduce” the chances of having fake friends and increase the chances of finding people who are into the same things you’re into and like you for YOU.

5.God: This is the most important element because it not only applies to uni but to life in general. A student’s journey especially in Nigeria is hard! You’re faced with so many problems that shouldn’t even exisit or even if they do, shouldn’t affect you but it does. When I was told reading for an exam is only the first stage to writing an exam in uni, I was confused. Now my eyes have been opened and probably yours have as well. Some things are just beyond our power and control. No matter how hard we try to be on top of everything, we’re still humans...we make mistakes. We have our weak moments,issues we can’t talk to anyone about etc. For me, that’s where God comes in. I guess you could say He keeps me sane.

                  And there you’ve it folks,my “brief” recap of first year lol. Now you’ve an idea of where I’m coming from, I can begin to dive into deeper issues and experiences I’ve gone through along with so many other students. I would love to know your different opinions on the various issues I’ll talk on soon . You don’t have to agree with everything I say.I understand that we all come from different realities and as such have different perceptions. I hope my journey and lessons I’ve learned and those I’m still learning helps you on your own student journey. I’m not trying to seem  perfect in anyway neither am I a life coach. Just on here documenting memories and hoping we all make it to our various destinations!

Goodbye for now!