zombiish

[zombiish]

save me from this standstill

ever since i was what.. 15? ive found myself fantasizing about loneliness. there's not much of a difference between being alone and feeling lonely, but it's there. both involve being by yourself, however loneliness tends to manifest in your mind whereas being alone is in presence. you can be in a room of fifty some odd people and find yourself feeling more lonely than ever. 

that's what i searched for, at least i thought so. when i think back i can tell that i wanted to be at peace with it, just like i do now. it sounds childish but i still yearn to be by myself day after day, night after night. 

unadding people after we dont talk for a bit and blocking friends after any and all disputes is how i keep myself clawing at the lonely nights i crave. yet when someone hurts me, even in such small ways, it kills a bit of me. 

the same part of me that dies, relights the part of my brain that reminds me why i try to be alone. im amazing at making friends, i can carry a conversation with anyone and everyone but sometimes responding to a text is too much. making and/or carrying out plans feels like the distant nights of being thirteen. 

we sat around the bonfire with pop cans in hand, listening to each others problems and burning the pictures of our older siblings’ exes. our rants went from being similar complaints about our animal jam memberships expiring to my gender crisis. yet theirs centered around the mishaps of their plug. i acted as if i could relate with them, as if my stories were even in the same realm as theirs.

once again i feel peer pressured by myself. nobody is forcing me to do anything, telling me i have to say yes to any and all plans but i feel like i have to. i fear that if i tell them im not up for it - even if its only for that day - then theyll never ask to make plans again. but is that really so bad? 

i would finally have my dream. i could actually be alone, just like ive always wanted. but im terrified of what i want, im at a standstill with myself.

[zombiish]

entitled ass fish

for a few years now, ive been claiming winter to be my favorite season. this isnt because i see it to have a superiority over any of the other seasons but rather from the place of a memory. one night a, now cut-off, family member and i left the house to walk to the local gas station. hours into the night and a foot of snow on the ground, we made our way. this is the last good memory i have with him. we talked and laughed the whole way there, even though it turned out to be closed for the blizzard. that same year i came to realize just how much i love hot cocoa. sitting in my room playing video games late at night, snow still falling, and hot cocoa in hand is what i picture winter to be. but years like this provide little snow, if any, and a failing government. im trapped inside my mind, always have been. in the recent years we've had to witness a country begin to fail, decades worth of progress recoiling at a rapid rate. this makes it easy to fall into a state of gloom, but in the past year or two its gotten harder and harder for me to find the little things to enjoy. i spent the summer of twenty-twenty four outside more than i ever expected. i fell back in love with the sticks. i spent my free time kayaking, surrounded by my biggest fear. its a seemingly irrational fear but any sort of fish can and will make me cry on sight.

its a beautiful thing that i found myself apart of, reconnecting with the mother of life through the things she created. im not spiritual in any way, in fact i actively deny any supernatural existences, but when i spent time on the water my mind would blank. no matter how upset i felt, i could always rely on the trees.

i started to keep a journal, one that i didnt lie in. id pour my emotions into every word id write, id only use a pen, and i cried. a lot. it took a lot of time but eventually i learned to cope without a knife, without damaging who i am and will be.

over the course of a few months, i managed to fill every page. not a single one was left blank or without meaning. though, i havent decided how long im going to keep the book. i think im afraid of the slight chance i have to forget how i survived such times, how i learned to love summer. the unforgiving, humidity of the midwest summer lead me to hatred. for years i yearned for anything but the heat, for snow to fall and bring back the peaceful, hot cocoa filled nights. but now i crave for the sun to soak my skin so im able to cope normally again.

[zombiish]

me scavenging for money so i can buy another monster

[zombiish]

leaves will bloom in a couple of months

last night, after months of procrastinating, ive finally gotten rid of tiktok (and snap)! my mental health has kinda always sucked a bit, but im completely aware of how much social media has played a role. i know that this is not going to be an overnight change but having this motivational kickstart, im hoping to better myself and relearn who i am without comparison weighing heavily on me. i journal quite often, but i wanted a "final draft-esc" form of my thoughts, so here i sit and i write. i plan to keep up with this, not for the sake of others to see but for myself to look back on as i go through life. a mini, self-centered and sporadic blog of sorts !! i have goals this year, but there is no time crunch that im in. i have until i die to figure it out, but i do have a soon-ish list im working on :) ᯓ★ i want to start running, however not with any time-based goal; but rather a simple side hobby. i thought about getting into the gym, but i prefer a more relaxed, non-structured form of activity. ᯓ★ im gunna learn to cook! at first i planned to do 52 weeks, 52 recipes buuuut knowing me, and ive alr proved this to be true, i do not have the self-discipline to complete that. instead, im going to learn recipes at a pace of hunger and desire. i want to acquire a cookbook of my own to fill with my self-perfected recipes. ᯓ★ i WILL get back into my reading grind. i havent read in quite some time, but last night i downloaded a book and its not half bad. this is another reason that i deleted the dopamine-centered app, i want my attention span back. im unable to get into any book as im used to scrolling after a second or two if i havent been hooked. ᯓ★ i am going to spend more time outdoors! i worked on this one a lot last year, and i love that i did. ive been kayaking more times than i can count and loved every bit. this time around i want to camp more! i plan to soak in the sun and everything it has to offer me, really connecting with mother nature. those are just a few of my "short-term" plans/goals that i have my mind set to! cutting out socials is a huge thing for me, as i practically only exist in online spaces. but thats going to change and i want to remember every bit, so here i sit, writing. i will continue to do this same thing repeatedly, at least for now

[zombiish]

i tell people what you did to me so they will hate you, because i know i never could

[zombiish]

me going to my comfort book when im overwhelmed