zoupdumplings

[zoupdumplings]

horcrux

my mother had always said that I am her horcrux, that a part of her soul lives inside me. when I was 8, I thought that was super awesome. the thought of safeguarding another soul inside my body made me feel like I'm capable of magic.

when I was 16, people started to say that I looked exactly like my mother—our hair, our facial features—even the way we talk were similar. then I thought maybe this was the meaning of being my mother's horcrux—to be her exact copy, but younger; thus, presumably, would survive long after she's gone. my mother is pretty and smart, so I thought being told I was her horcrux was a compliment.

but now that I'm 24, I found out that keeping a piece of my mother's soul means inheriting her insecurities. her dreams. the wounds on her soul left scars on mine. being my mother's horcrux means she gets to live her youth once more through me, her daughter. she tries to heal herself by molding me to fit her impossible standards—but I always fall short of her expectations.

and I hate her for that but also feel sorry for her but I only have this one life to live and I don't want to spend it by living someone else's dreams but I also love her so much and I don't know what to think anymore.

sometimes my mother still says that I am her horcrux, but now I start to see horcruxes as they actually are: a curse.

[zoupdumplings]

Summer walk 🌿

[zoupdumplings]

people say nothing in this world is eternal, but I beg to differ—because our love is. our souls are intertwined so closely that it's impossible to determine where I end and you begin. the bond we share defies space and time; it's celestial.

but our bodies are not immortal. they will crumble to dust sooner or later, setting our souls free. the only thing I regret is that we do not decide how or when we will pass. we don't have the authority to choose to depart together. the one we do have is the certainty that we will be apart, at least for a while.

whether I'm roaming the Earth or floating in the Void, it will never be the same without you. my heart will forever ache until it is time for us to be together again. the price for love is grief, but it is something I'm willing to endure over and over again if it's for you, my love.

you are worth the grief.

[zoupdumplings]

the world should have ended like in those prophecies, you say to me. there's no point in preserving humanity.

despite your words, there are flames in your eyes, reflecting the blazing hope in your soul. it burns bright, fueled by your infinite kindness.

your body is bruised and batterred from the battles you've lost. you try to stitch up your wounds as gently as you can, but you still howl in pain.

despite your scars; you feel, you fight, you forgive. you persist. you rise with the sun and try again.

you've been hurt and betrayed. the universe hasn't been very kind to you. but despite the broken world, you are (trying to be) whole.

[zoupdumplings]

[zoupdumplings]

the holy trinity: the father (fuck it we ball) the son (it is what it is) the holy spirit (to be cringe is to be free)

[zoupdumplings]

my dad in England in the 90s

[zoupdumplings]

probably the best advice I've ever got was from my grandpa when I moved from my town and started a university, he told me to leave the house everytime when I start to feel down, just to go to the park, a supermarket, a bookstore, to even drive in a bus or tram, just be around other people because staying at home all the time kills you; and you know he was right

[zoupdumplings]

choose a tiny cat

[zoupdumplings]

It’s annoying but the way you improve yourself is one tiny thing at a time

[zoupdumplings]

When you choose to love someone, you give them a copy of your soul. You will still have all of you, but you allow them to hold the essence of your being with their gentle fingers. Both bind by a silent oath, you trust them to protect and cherish it—and they do.

When you choose to love someone, you give them a copy of your soul—which they keep as they leave. Perhaps they want to keep a memento of you; of the bond you once shared and the memories from a distant past. The connection is long gone, but the oath remains unbroken—you are still safe in their hands.

When you choose to love someone, you give them a copy of your soul—and sometimes you still doubt if it was a good decision. But if time repeats itself, you know you would not hesitate to do it again. Both of you deserve the love you have given each other, so there is no need trying to take it back. After all, it is a testament that you are capable of love ... and a promise that you will love again someday.

[zoupdumplings]

@cottage-tenshi’s archive

[zoupdumplings]

[zoupdumplings]

Gue bingung banget. Sejak kemarin Tara kelihatan murung terus. Kalau sakit sih enggak, soalnya tadi kami masih lari pagi bareng dan dia baik-baik saja. Masalah di kantor? Kalau memang gara-gara itu, harusnya Tara pulang sambil ngedumel panjang lebar seperti biasanya.

Dari sekian lama gue kenal Tara, baru kali ini gue lihat dia murung yang seperti ini. Bahkan mukanya masih kelihatan sedih walaupun lagi baca ulang komik Doraemon favoritnya.

Gue udah nggak tahan. Gue taruh sesajen berupa sepiring jeli jeruk kesukaannya di atas meja di depannya. "Gue tahu lo lagi sedih gara-gara sesuatu. Spill."

Tara mendongak dari komik Doraemonnya, melihat gue dan permen jeli jeruk yang gue bawa, terus tahu-tahu menangis. "Aduh ... gue takut lo marah kalau gue cerita," katanya di sela-sela tangisnya. "Sebenernya ini pengen gue selesaiin sendiri ... tapi ternyata gue bener-bener nggak bisa sembunyiin apapun dari lo ...."

Tara takut gue marah? Gue tambah bingung, tapi prioritas gue sekarang adalah bikin Tara berhenti menangis. Tangan gue refleks mengambil tisu. "Cerita aja. Gue janji enggak marah."

Tara mengangguk. "Lo inget waktu kita bahas permen kemarin?"

"Inget. Lo bilang suka permen jeli jeruk kan? Makanya gue beliin banyak kemarin sekalian belanja bulanan."

"Justru itu masalahnya!" Tara menangis lagi. "Gue itu paling nggak suka permen jeli jeruk, bahkan kalau baunya terlalu tajam gue bisa mual. Tapi lo kayaknya salah denger ...."

Gue cuma bisa melongo.

"Gue berterimakasih banget lo mikirin gue waktu belanja kemarin, tapi sekarang gue bingung permen sebanyak ini harus diapain .... Nggak bisa gue bawa ke kantor juga karena nanti habisnya kecepetan, gue takut lo curiga soalnya lo kan observant banget .... Maaf ya ...."

Aduh, sebenernya ini konyol banget ... tapi memang gue salah sih. Akhirnya permen jeruk yang udah gue siapkan untuk Tara gue makan sendiri. "Gue yang minta maaf, Ra. Kalau gue jadi lo, gue juga akan mikir hal yang sama. Ini gue habisin aja permennya, lo nggak usah khawatir."

"Beneran? Lo bahkan nggak suka makanan manis."

Waktu Tara bilang begitu, pas banget gue baru mengernyit gara-gara kemanisan. "Bener sih. Ya udah, besok bawa aja semua ke kantor. Nanti gue ganti Yupi stroberi, deh."

"Nah, kalau yang itu gue suka!"

"Tapi ada syaratnya."

"Apa tuh?"

"Minggu depan temenin gue periksa ke dokter THT ya."

Tara tertawa, lalu mengecup pipi gue. "Mau ke mana aja gue temenin, Sayang. Asal nggak beli permen jeli jeruk aja."

[zoupdumplings]

Give yourself kindness when things are a mess! Whether it's physically in your space, or more abstractly in your life, we all need time to sort things out and get the right processes in place.

Chibird store | Positive pin club | Instagram

[zoupdumplings]

Have you ever felt deja vu? Like you know something has happened to you before, but you can't quite put a finger on it.

It's happening to me right now. This beautiful lady is standing in front of me right now, ordering her lunch, and I feel like I've met her before. But the thing is, this is a small neighborhood restaurant. I know all my regulars, and she's definitely not one of them. But why does she seem so familiar?

"One shrimp fried rice, please," she orders. "Extra scallions."

I type down her order. Wait. Shrimp fried rice with extra scallions? I'd recognize that order anywhere.

My high school crush used to ask if we really have a shrimp cooking up fried rice in our kitchen. I said I made those fried rice, but she just laughed. "Then you're the shrimp!" After that she'd always order shrimp fried rice as a joke. The extra scallions? It's actually her favorite vegetable.

My heart skips a beat. I look up to meet her eyes.

"Are you perhaps—"

"Oh, it's you!" she exclaims. Then her face turns red. "Oh who am I kidding? It's not like I don't know that this is your family's restaurant."

I smile. She's grown into a gorgeous woman, but deep inside she's still the cute, awkward girl I adore. "What brings you back here? Got errands to do in the area?"

"Oh, I'm actually moving back here! Turns out the big city hustle is not for me. I'm opening a flower shop near our school."

"Oh, that's great!" It is, really. Now she lives just 5 minutes away instead of 5 hours. "Isn't that what you've always wanted?"

"Yeah ...." Her cheeks turn red once more. "The grand opening is in a week .... If you're not too busy ...."

"I'm never too busy for you, silly. I'll be there." I will even stay until you close up the shop, if you'll have me. "By the way, your lunch is on the house. I'll throw in your favorite lemon soda. Consider it a welcome gift."

"Oh, thanks! Does this mean I can keep coming here for free lunch?"

"Not if you keep calling me a shrimp."

"Aww. We'll see, I guess."

We lock eyes for a few seconds. It's super short, and not to boost my ego, but I believe there's a glimmer of adoration and hope in her eyes.

We'll see, indeed.

[zoupdumplings]

If nothing else, as a historian every time I get scared at the state of the world I have to remind myself that "uninteresting times" is a myth.

The world has always been in the throes of chaos and violence and fear, just in different ways and to different degrees. The anxieties of the past are no less real than our own, and we can learn from them. Normality and peace are fleeting, but we can always strive to increase those moments. We have to keep hoping and working for a better future. It's all we have. We may not succeed, but if we don't try, what are we living for?