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[zoyaridzel-blog]

sunisamai‌:

She can’t tear her eyes away from the ceiling. Can’t meet Zoya’s eyes, even if she knows every inch of her skin. Perhaps this is the problem - she can imagine the look in her eyes, can imagine what she’ll see in the parting of lips she kissed, can imagine the tighteness of a body in not-pleasure. Sunisa wants it to stay imagination, and so cannot tear her eyes away from tracing lines and threads, cannot bear to see imagination become reality. 

(Doesn’t know what to do if it might be worse than imagined)

Zoya’s gaze feels like burning on her skin, and she can feel it cross the length of her as Zoya speaks. Must be nice, she says, and Sunisa’s heart accepts rejects it. Belief, a thing that she had long since lost. Why did you serve, and words jam up in her throat, a pressure to reveal why she serves now, a pressure she can’t let because she doesn’t know the answer.

“Must be nice -” She repeats, muttered, the desperate need to say something causes the words to escape her. She only hopes that Zoya can’t hear the longing in it, can’t hear a reflection of the way that she said it - heartsick and dreaming.

The gaze cools, shifts focus, and her muscles slowly release as Zoya answers her question. Answers unsatisfactorily, but everything in this is hidden and shuttered, the beginning steps of a dance that neither are sure they want to join. Someone would have to bow first, would have to answer with more than trailing sentences and hidden words. But for all the time they had seen each other, it was merely glimpses in a passing world, and neither wanted to be pinned down.

But there, a tear in the steel wall built between them, a slowing down to meet, a bow and a step to unheard music. Zoya replies, in more detail, and Sunisa is left even more uncertain of what her own actions should be.

Probably killed by military forces - and a sucker punch hits her gut, her muscles lock and she refuses to move, refuses to say anything as Zoya trails off. Thoughts race and her hand clenches, digging crescent moons into her palms, the world dancing with white spots as she refuses to breathe.

Killed - military - parents - never knew - killed - killed - killed

It feels like her ribs crack and she can’t breathe, so she swings her legs over the side of the bed and sits up, stands up, freezes, steps forwards, turns toward Zoya, freezes.

“I’m sorry for your loss,” slips out from her mouth, as she looks over Zoya, as she remembers the scars that cross her back, as she remembers the blood that has washed her hands.

She can barely hear the question as it’s asked, but she tries for a reassuring smile. Feels it twist and drop with the pounding in her head. She finds herself stepping forwards instead, a hand outstretched, then hesitating. (These hands have taken so many lives, have taken so many parents, so many children. She can’t touch what she’s sacrificed.)

Her hand drops to her side and she averts her gaze. “I’m sorry,” she whispers again.

Crescents bloom on Sunisa’s palms, and for a second, Zoya finds herself curled on the floor of her first apartment, scabs piled thick under her nails and three years younger. Here and in a bedroom choked by the reek of mildewed rice, wounds reopened at her back, surrounded by sake bottles. Here and back in the apartment and slashed by jeers at a whipping post. Buried by ash in her village, scorned in fire. Here, and pressed to walls so thin an urchin’s breath could dissolve them, mouth fixated on “sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so so sorry, I’m so sorry,” until the phrase sheds all meaning, molts into a blackbird in her mouth. She wrenches her hand from the flames and brushes Sunisa’s. The world unforms, undoes, refocuses. The Sapphire. Away from danger. Here she is. Here they are.

“Sunisa—” Zoya mutters, but the other has already stood. Always a breath past connection, a footstep out of reach. To want. To fight. Such fruitless and tiresome endeavors on the body, with no hard gains and causes too slim to pursue. Why get up if the soldier leaves? What reason is there to chase after her? Better for Sunisa to pull out now than let shadows mar their tomfoolery, than risk a stint without armor, than admit mortality. 

“Right, fuck off, then,” Zoya says, just as Sunisa says “I’m sorry for your loss.” The phrase is customary. Disciplined and polite. Perhaps this is what soldiers are required to say, or maybe Sunisa just pities her. Still, there’s a tightness in the other’s jaw that seems almost real, a tremor to her breath that wounds her. All this show for a pair of potential insurgents — scum under the toe of the Court’s boot. All this pain for a criminal she barely knows. Zoya shifts her gaze to the other’s hands and re-contextualizes the half-moons embedded in them — guilt, not anger. A stupid, too-soft creature after all.

An odd sensation unfurls through the smugger’s chest. Beetroot soup in the dead of winter, warm, spreading through the ice of her veins and reddening her cheeks. “So godsdamned noble,” she murmurs, sliding herself off the bed, sheets crinkling as she meets the floor, her hand raised to tuck Sunisa’s hair behind her ear. A drop of blood falls from the other’s palm, and Zoya looks down towards it. Hesitates. She takes the hand gently, turns it over, not quite sure what to do with it. But she holds it delicately as a baby bird in hers, because she’s been here too. 

“I used to think it would help, you know,” Zoya says. “Hating myself for what I was forced to do. Replaying every terrible thing I had to do to survive so I could define myself by it.” She searches for Sunisa’s gaze but it’s fixed elsewhere, unable to rise. Saturn and her village. The tens of girls who’d died to her cowardice in his fire. “I think it’s right to mourn every person you’ve ki— hurt. Necessary, even, to reflect. But the logic of inflicting pain on yourself because you’ve caused pain is a flawed one. It's not an atonement or repentance, it doesn’t help anyone. Besides, if everything else is out to hurt you, why add one more?” She smiles, a crooked thing, before settling into impassivity again. “For what it’s worth, what might have happened to my parents isn’t your fault. None of this is. You can’t blame a game piece for the hand that plays it, yeah? And that’s all we are. Pieces. Little things to be toyed with by fates and gods. Bodies. Gentle casualties of war.”

[zoyaridzel-blog]

sunisamai‌:

Silence echoed as Sunisa made her way upstairs, her arms gradually turning to lead and then numb as she forced her breathing to stay calm. Zoya was clutching tight to her shirt, a tremor hidden in her voice at the threat, and Sunisa knew that she couldn’t let go. There was a level of trust with this interaction, between virtual strangers, a comfort bred from warmth and familiarity, and Sunisa couldn’t break that here.

So she cradled tight as she ascended the stairs, ignored the blood that was staining her hands. They both breathed out as she set Zoya down on the plush bed, as she stepped back and tried to will strength back into her arms. She breathed in, then looked at the spot on the comforter and sat down with relief.

She shucked off her outer layer and lay back, staring at the gossamer canopy, waited for them to slip into their easy routine that could last in any place any time.

But that wasn’t the case this time, and Sunisa propped herself onto an elbow as Zoya asked.

Asked and she didn’t know the answer.

“I-” She started, before the words dried in her throat. Why did she want to know? Why break their routine? Why -

But she was curious as well. She knew pieces of Zoya’s history, knew the edges of the scars on her back, knew the sound of her and the place of her, knew the edges of the woman infront of her and did not know what coloured the remains.

So she replied, softly. 

“No, my parents weren’t soliders. I joined -” Her voice trailed off and perhaps this was why Sunisa had never torn the wall of vulnerability, because to learn more about Zoya was to allow Zoya to learn more about her, and she didn’t want the other to know about the scars on her soul as well.

But she lies back down and speaks to the ceiling. “I joined because I thought there was something worth protecting. My mother was the one who taught me how to carve.” She lets out a breath and wonders how well she wants to be known, how much she can allow herself to be known.

She tries for levity this time, probably fails. “But why, why do you ask?”

Two bodies, inches apart. Zoya could reach out, trace the curve of Sunisa’s shoulders, pull her down by her shirt collar and close their distance with chapped lips. Graceless; indelicate as any of her other human interactions, but close enough to hear the current of the other’s bloodstream. The pace of her. Swimming. Here, the rhythm of Sunisa’s heartbeat. The clang of steel against steel in breath’s stead. For eyes, a stallion’s instead of a young woman’s, always in half-memory of some distant battlefield. Bodies. Always, another body. A vulture in circle of corpses, burying her dead. 

They’d done this before. Her and Sunisa, often enough that it had almost become expectation. Bruising. Primitive. Carnal as viscera and bone. It wasn’t tender, what they had; more an act of survival between animals, ever since they’d fucked on the floor of a shelter in subzero Kova; since adrenaline was all that’d kept them from freezing into carcasses all those years ago. Two bodies, splinters clefting their backs. Victim to the elements. Barely alive. She couldn’t help but wonder, sometimes: what would’ve happened if they’d been alone? If either had been too proud? If they hadn’t held each other? She flicked her gaze to Sunisa, warm and safe on her hotel bed, and almost exhaled a sigh of relief. Too attached, her heart chided. So the blighted organ was still there. Protect yourself, little wolf. Protect, protect.

Defenseless. 

Fuck. 

“Must be nice,” Zoya murmured, “to hold something close enough to believe it’s worth fighting for. To clutch a flame of your own and one passed down by someone who loves you.” She glanced towards the other, but Sunisa’s gaze was fixed on the ceiling, far enough that Zoya could run her own over the tightness in the soldier’s eyes, her clutched jaw, her sucked-thin lips. Yet, there was a smoothness to her expressions, a brightness that swam beneath her skin. A glow even the Moon Thief couldn’t steal, couldn’t imitate. A shield of energy that proved Sunisa was loved.

But why, why do you ask? The words cut even though she understood their intentions. “I was drunk.” “I was bored.” “I was curious.” All easy answers and all half-true, but there was an...integrity to their share of information now. A sort of honor code. Fuck if she knew. Zoya swallowed, turning her cheek towards the nightstand and away from the other. Tried to muster up courage. Instead, managed, “I don’t know.”

In all her years, Zoya had never heard of a story where the hero and the villain ended up happily together. The soldier and the smuggler. The criminal and the criminal-catcher. So why ask questions? Why try to close any gaps in her knowledge, to pretend they were close, to pretend they could ever be close? Because for now, Sunisa didn’t know. She swallowed, crossing her arms over her chest. “I guess I...just wondered. Never had much parental influence in my life, never knew them, actually. We never met. I don’t know where they went, probably killed by military forces like most of my village before for insurgen-” she caught herself, tucked her gaze away. Swallowed. “Sorry. Not much fun to talk about on a night off. Are you tired yet?”

[zoyaridzel-blog]

✧

send me a ✧ and i’ll bold all that apply to your muse.

✧ I would kill you. ✧ I would physically hurt you. ✧ I would attack you unprovoked. ✧ I would manipulate you. ✧ I dislike you. ✧ You annoy me. ✧ You scare me. ✧ You intimidate me. ✧ I hope I intimidate you. ✧ I pity you. ✧ You disgust me. ✧ I hate you. ✧ I’m indifferent toward you. ✧ I’d like to get to know you better. ✧   I’d like to spend more time with you. ✧ I’d like to be friends with you. ✧  I’m unsure what to think of you. ✧ I’m unsure how I feel about you. ✧ You are my friend. ✧ You are my best friend. ✧ You are my mentor. ✧ I look up to you. ✧ I respect you. ✧ You are my hero. ✧ You inspire me. ✧ You are my enemy. ✧ You make me happy. ✧ I want to protect you. ✧ I would fight by your side. ✧ I consider you an equal. ✧ I think you are beneath me. ✧ I think you are above me. ✧ I would lie for you. ✧ I would lie to you. ✧ I would sleep with you. ✧ I would sleep by your side. ✧ I would hug you. ✧ I would kiss you. ✧ You are family to me. ✧ I would die for you. ✧ I would kill for you. ✧ I would trust you with my life. ✧ I would trust you with my most precious belonging. ✧ I would trust you with a secret. ✧ I would trust you with my biggest / darkest secret. ✧ I love you (platonically). ✧ I love you (romantically).

[zoyaridzel-blog]

✧ !

send me a ✧ and i’ll bold all that apply to your muse.

✧ I would kill you. ✧ I would physically hurt you. ✧ I would attack you unprovoked. ✧ I would manipulate you. ✧ I dislike you. ✧ You annoy me. ✧ You scare me. ✧ You intimidate me. ✧ I hope I intimidate you. ✧ I pity you. ✧ You disgust me. ✧ I hate you. ✧ I’m indifferent toward you. ✧ I’d like to get to know you better. ✧   I’d like to spend more time with you. ✧ I’d like to be friends with you. ✧  I’m unsure what to think of you. ✧ I’m unsure how I feel about you. ✧ You are my friend. ✧ You are my best friend. ✧ You are my mentor. ✧ I look up to you. ✧ I respect you. ✧ You are my hero. ✧ You inspire me. ✧ You are my enemy. ✧ You make me happy. ✧ I want to protect you. ✧ I would fight by your side. ✧ I consider you an equal. ✧ I think you are beneath me. ✧ I think you are above me. ✧ I would lie for you. ✧ I would lie to you. ✧ I would sleep with you. ✧ I would sleep by your side. ✧ I would hug you. ✧ I would kiss you. ✧ You are family to me. ✧ I would die for you. ✧ I would kill for you. ✧ I would trust you with my life. ✧ I would trust you with my most precious belonging. ✧ I would trust you with a secret. ✧ I would trust you with my biggest / darkest secret. ✧ I love you (platonically). ✧ I love you (romantically).

[zoyaridzel-blog]

✧

send me a ✧ and i’ll bold all that apply to your muse.

✧ I would kill you. ✧ I would physically hurt you. ✧ I would attack you unprovoked. ✧ I would manipulate you. ✧ I dislike you. ✧ You annoy me. ✧ You scare me. ✧ You intimidate me. ✧ I hope I intimidate you. ✧ I pity you. ✧ You disgust me. ✧ I hate you. ✧ I’m indifferent toward you. ✧ I’d like to get to know you better. ✧   I’d like to spend more time with you. ✧ I’d like to be friends with you. ✧  I’m unsure what to think of you. ✧ I’m unsure how I feel about you. ✧ You are my friend. ✧ You are my best friend. ✧ You are my mentor. ✧ I look up to you. ✧ I respect you. ✧ You are my hero. ✧ You inspire me. ✧ You are my enemy. ✧ You make me happy. ✧ I want to protect you. ✧ I would fight by your side. ✧ I consider you an equal. ✧ I think you are beneath me. ✧ I think you are above me. ✧ I would lie for you. ✧ I would lie to you. ✧ I would sleep with you. ✧ I would sleep by your side. ✧ I would hug you. ✧ I would kiss you. ✧ You are family to me. ✧ I would die for you. ✧ I would kill for you. ✧ I would trust you with my life. ✧ I would trust you with my most precious belonging. ✧ I would trust you with a secret. ✧ I would trust you with my biggest / darkest secret. ✧ I love you (platonically). ✧ I love you (romantically).

[zoyaridzel-blog]

✧

send me a ✧ and i’ll bold all that apply to your muse.

✧ I would kill you. ✧ I would physically hurt you. ✧ I would attack you unprovoked. ✧ I would manipulate you. ✧ I dislike you. ✧ You annoy me. ✧ You scare me. ✧ You intimidate me. ✧ I hope I intimidate you. ✧ I pity you. ✧ You disgust me. ✧ I hate you. ✧ I’m indifferent toward you. ✧ I’d like to get to know you better. ✧ I’d like to spend more time with you. ✧ I’d like to be friends with you. ✧ I’m unsure what to think of you. ✧ I’m unsure how I feel about you. ✧ You are my friend. ✧ You are my best friend. ✧ You are my mentor. ✧ I look up to you. ✧ I respect you. ✧ You are my hero. ✧ You inspire me. ✧ You are my enemy. ✧ You make me happy. ✧ I want to protect you. ✧ I would fight by your side. ✧ I consider you an equal. ✧ I think you are beneath me. ✧ I think you are above me. ✧ I would lie for you. ✧ I would lie to you. ✧ I would sleep with you. ✧ I would sleep by your side. ✧ I would hug you. ✧ I would kiss you. ✧ You are family to me. ✧ I would die for you. ✧ I would kill for you. ✧ I would trust you with my life. ✧ I would trust you with my most precious belonging. ✧ I would trust you with a secret. ✧ I would trust you with my biggest / darkest secret. ✧ I love you (platonically). ✧ I love you (romantically).

[zoyaridzel-blog]

✧!!

send me a ✧ and i’ll bold all that apply to your muse.

✧ I would kill you. ✧ I would physically hurt you. ✧ I would attack you unprovoked. ✧ I would manipulate you. ✧ I dislike you. ✧ You annoy me. ✧ You scare me. ✧ You intimidate me. ✧ I hope I intimidate you. ✧ I pity you. ✧ You disgust me. ✧ I hate you. ✧ I’m indifferent toward you. ✧ I’d like to get to know you better. ✧ I’d like to spend more time with you. ✧ I’d like to be friends with you. ✧ I’m unsure what to think of you. ✧ I’m unsure how I feel about you. ✧ You are my friend. ✧ You are my best friend. ✧ You are my mentor. ✧ I look up to you. ✧ I respect you. ✧ You are my hero. ✧ You inspire me. ✧ You are my enemy. ✧ You make me happy. ✧ I want to protect you. ✧ I would fight by your side. ✧ I consider you an equal. ✧ I think you are beneath me. ✧ I think you are above me. ✧ I would lie for you. ✧ I would lie to you. ✧ I would sleep with you. ✧ I would sleep by your side. ✧ I would hug you. ✧ I would kiss you. ✧ You are family to me. ✧ I would die for you. ✧ I would kill for you. ✧ I would trust you with my life. ✧ I would trust you with my most precious belonging. ✧ I would trust you with a secret. ✧ I would trust you with my biggest / darkest secret. ✧ I love you (platonically). ✧ I love you (romantically).

[zoyaridzel-blog]

✧

send me a ✧ and i’ll bold all that apply to your muse.

✧ I would kill you. ✧ I would physically hurt you. ✧ I would attack you unprovoked. ✧ I would manipulate you. ✧ I dislike you. ✧ You annoy me. ✧ You scare me. ✧ You intimidate me. ✧ I hope I intimidate you. ✧ I pity you. ✧ You disgust me. ✧ I hate you. ✧ I’m indifferent toward you. ✧ I’d like to get to know you better. ✧ I’d like to spend more time with you. ✧ I’d like to be friends with you. ✧ I’m unsure what to think of you. ✧ I’m unsure how I feel about you. ✧ You are my friend. ✧ You are my best friend. ✧ You are my mentor. ✧ I look up to you. ✧ I respect you. ✧ You are my hero. ✧ You inspire me. ✧ You are my enemy. ✧ You make me happy. ✧ I want to protect you. ✧ I would fight by your side. ✧ I consider you an equal. ✧ I think you are beneath me. ✧ I think you are above me. ✧ I would lie for you. ✧ I would lie to you. ✧ I would sleep with you. ✧ I would sleep by your side. ✧ I would hug you. ✧ I would kiss you. ✧ You are family to me. ✧ I would die for you. ✧ I would kill for you. ✧ I would trust you with my life. ✧ I would trust you with my most precious belonging. ✧ I would trust you with a secret. ✧ I would trust you with my biggest / darkest secret. ✧ I love you (platonically). ✧ I love you (romantically).

[zoyaridzel-blog]

✧!!!!

send me a ✧ and i’ll bold all that apply to your muse.

✧ I would kill you. ✧ I would physically hurt you. ✧ I would attack you unprovoked. ✧ I would manipulate you. ✧ I dislike you. ✧ You annoy me. ✧ You scare me. ✧ You intimidate me. ✧ I hope I intimidate you. ✧ I pity you. ✧ You disgust me. ✧ I hate you. ✧ I’m indifferent toward you. ✧ I’d like to get to know you better. ✧ I’d like to spend more time with you. ✧ I’d like to be friends with you. ✧ I’m unsure what to think of you. ✧ I’m unsure how I feel about you. ✧ You are my friend. ✧ You are my best friend. ✧ You are my mentor. ✧ I look up to you. ✧ I respect you. ✧ You are my hero. ✧ You inspire me. ✧ You are my enemy. ✧ You make me happy. ✧ I want to protect you. ✧ I would fight by your side. ✧ I consider you an equal. ✧ I think you are beneath me. ✧ I think you are above me. ✧ I would lie for you. ✧ I would lie to you. ✧ I would sleep with you. ✧ I would sleep by your side. ✧ I would hug you. ✧ I would kiss you. ✧ You are family to me. ✧ I would die for you. ✧ I would kill for you. ✧ I would trust you with my life. ✧ I would trust you with my most precious belonging. ✧ I would trust you with a secret. ✧ I would trust you with my biggest / darkest secret. ✧ I love you (platonically). ✧ I love you (romantically).

[zoyaridzel-blog]

✧

send me a ✧ and i’ll bold all that apply to your muse.

✧ I would kill you. ✧ I would physically hurt you. ✧ I would attack you unprovoked. ✧ I would manipulate you. ✧ I dislike you. ✧ You annoy me. ✧ You scare me. ✧ You intimidate me. ✧ I hope I intimidate you. ✧ I pity you. ✧ You disgust me. ✧ I hate you. ✧ I’m indifferent toward you. ✧ I’d like to get to know you better. ✧   I’d like to spend more time with you. ✧ I’d like to be friends with you. ✧  I’m unsure what to think of you. ✧ I’m unsure how I feel about you. ✧ You are my friend. ✧ You are my best friend. ✧ You are my mentor. ✧ I look up to you. ✧ I respect you. ✧ You are my hero. ✧ You inspire me. ✧ You are my enemy. ✧ You make me happy. ✧ I want to protect you. ✧ I would fight by your side. ✧ I consider you an equal. ✧ I think you are beneath me. ✧ I think you are above me. ✧ I would lie for you. ✧ I would lie to you. ✧ I would sleep with you. ✧ I would sleep by your side. ✧ I would hug you. ✧ I would kiss you. ✧ You are family to me. ✧ I would die for you. ✧ I would kill for you. ✧ I would trust you with my life. ✧ I would trust you with my most precious belonging. ✧ I would trust you with a secret. ✧ I would trust you with my biggest / darkest secret. ✧ I love you (platonically). ✧ I love you (romantically).

[zoyaridzel-blog]

✧

send me a ✧ and i’ll bold all that apply to your muse.

✧ I would kill you. ✧ I would physically hurt you. ✧ I would attack you unprovoked. ✧ I would manipulate you. ✧ I dislike you. ✧ You annoy me. ✧ You scare me. ✧ You intimidate me. ✧ I hope I intimidate you. ✧ I pity you. ✧ You disgust me. ✧ I hate you. ✧ I’m indifferent toward you. ✧ I’d like to get to know you better. ✧   I’d like to spend more time with you. ✧ I’d like to be friends with you. ✧  I’m unsure what to think of you. ✧ I’m unsure how I feel about you. ✧ You are my friend. ✧ You are my best friend. ✧ You are my mentor. ✧ I look up to you. ✧ I respect you. ✧ You are my hero. ✧ You inspire me. ✧ You are my enemy. ✧ You make me happy. ✧ I want to protect you. ✧ I would fight by your side. ✧ I consider you an equal. ✧ I think you are beneath me. ✧ I think you are above me. ✧ I would lie for you. ✧ I would lie to you. ✧ I would sleep with you. ✧ I would sleep by your side. ✧ I would hug you. ✧ I would kiss you. ✧ You are family to me. ✧ I would die for you. ✧ I would kill for you. ✧ I would trust you with my life. ✧ I would trust you with my most precious belonging. ✧ I would trust you with a secret. ✧ I would trust you with my biggest / darkest secret. ✧ I love you (platonically). ✧ I love you (romantically).

[zoyaridzel-blog]

✧

send me a ✧ and i’ll bold all that apply to your muse.

✧ I would kill you. ✧ I would physically hurt you. ✧ I would attack you unprovoked. ✧ I would manipulate you. ✧ I dislike you. ✧ You annoy me. ✧ You scare me. ✧ You intimidate me. ✧ I hope I intimidate you. ✧ I pity you. ✧ You disgust me. ✧ I hate you. ✧ I’m indifferent toward you. ✧ I’d like to get to know you better. ✧   I’d like to spend more time with you. ✧ I’d like to be friends with you. ✧  I’m unsure what to think of you. ✧ I’m unsure how I feel about you. ✧ You are my friend. ✧ You are my best friend. ✧ You are my mentor. ✧ I look up to you. ✧ I respect you. ✧ You are my hero. ✧ You inspire me. ✧ You are my enemy. ✧ You make me happy. ✧ I want to protect you. ✧ I would fight by your side. ✧ I consider you an equal. ✧ I think you are beneath me. ✧ I think you are above me. ✧ I would lie for you. ✧ I would lie to you. ✧ I would sleep with you. ✧ I would sleep by your side. ✧ I would hug you. ✧ I would kiss you. ✧ You are family to me. ✧ I would die for you. ✧ I would kill for you. ✧ I would trust you with my life. ✧ I would trust you with my most precious belonging. ✧ I would trust you with a secret. ✧ I would trust you with my biggest / darkest secret. ✧ I love you (platonically). ✧ I love you (romantically).

[zoyaridzel-blog]

sunisamai‌:

There was a new scar, the scab only just peeling away, a small line on the edge of her palm reaching backwards. She shrugged, remembering a thorn bush that caught at her hand as she went walking. It was often the random, the small wounds that left the longest impressions, their scars leaving strong white lines. Across her body she could remember other aches, but so many had faded away already, leaving her with nothing but the painful memory.

But this wasn’t the time for that kind of reminiscing. not when there was other entertainment for the evening. Not when there was warm conversation, the two of them catching up with the words they allowed to share with each other. Sunisa described the scar, hinted at her work, remembered the strangest places they’d met. 

She drank, only small amounts though she had a decent tolerance, not letting go of Zoya’s hand throughout. “What if I want to use my really nice, strong, solid arms to carry you upstairs?” A mischievous grin darted its way across her face,  and she pulled Zoya up into her arms, and asked the bartender to deliver the rest of the drink to her room.

“You ready to go to bed, my lady?” She asked, the grin not leaving her face, before she walked out and up the stairs, into whatever room Zoya said was hers.

Zoya’s eyes widened as the soldier swept the ground out from under her, nails embedded tight as mousetraps against Sunisa’s shirt. Upward, the two ascended. Higher and higher until Zoya could no longer differentiate the thud of footsteps against floorboards from the guillotined thunder of her own heart. “If you drop me, I’ll die, and my blood will stain your hands forever,” the smuggler warned, her voice a rasp against the creak of imperium-issued boots. She tucked her face into Sunisa’s shoulder and caught a whiff of chamomile from under her collarbone, a plum-like note she couldn’t distinguish. A pang of salt, and ah, this one, she recognized — sourced from a sweat bead on the other’s neck. Face still nuzzled against the comfort of Sunisa’s shirt, she kept her eyes shut to how many flights they'd scaled. One. Four. Six. Strange; how she ought to feel weightless in such an interaction; ignorant to how, if she spilled so much as a word that compromised the criminal aspect of her identity, the other could shatter her body like rime under a ship’s hull — snap her tendons — dispatch her bones to the mercy of a dark sea. And the tensions, always the tensions between them: fear and force, want and wane. She shut her eyes again. No. Tonight, she didn’t want to know. 

"This room’s mine,” Zoya said, after the two arrived at the fifth door seven flights up from the lobby. An exhalation of pent-up breath released itself as Sunisa set her down on the bed, queen-sized comforter still smoothed over its base. It was the little luxuries like these that made the smuggling worthwhile — a mug of warm milk and honey, a feather duvet — ritual objects that allowed her to preserve some semblance of humanity. That she held close to her. That kept her alive.

“Sunisa?” Zoya murmured, her hand running the space next to her in invitation. It had been almost five years since they’d first met, and Zoya still couldn’t say what Sunisa’s favorite drink was, the texture of her favorite fabric, what kind of weather brought her closest to childhood. She'd memorized the taste of the woman’s body, tens of her terrors and scars, but knew only a handful of small things. Yet, these were the most dangerous: facts that would shade and contour their relationship into reality. She shouldn’t, couldn’t know. Still. “I was wondering,” Zoya began offhandedly, “how’d you get into the whole soldiering business? Were your parents soldiers too, or...? What do they do?”

[zoyaridzel-blog]

☾ AESTHETIC: ZOYA RIDZEL, CHAPTER 1, EPISODES 1-2 || TIMELINE

“And the hand that you reach out is empty, as mine is. You have nothing. You possess nothing. You own nothing. You are free. All you have is what you are, and what you give.” ― Ursula K. Le Guin, The Dispossessed

[zoyaridzel-blog]

satxrns‌:

Saturn had waited - draped over the cheap thin mattress in the designated room, a book in hand yet eyes away from the page. Zoya’s request had surprised him; warmed him like liquor yet left a bitter flavor in his mouth. It sat heavy in his belly, the world’s gravity finally coming to an apex. Zoya’s entrance startled him; dropping his reading on the bed, silver eyes darting towards the door. “It’s no issue,” he swallowed, ‘you’re a friend’ sitting on the tip of his tongue. 

The world’s axis had titled, it seemed - falling apart at the seems. 

Nodding at Zoya’s words, Saturn listened to an omen - a prediction of something terrible on the horizon. “I cannot say I know everything, but I believe you,” he answered at last, trust lingering upon his ear, twisting it’s way into soul. “There is a part undeniably true, Magnus. For I saw him with my own eyes, delivering news of utmost importance to Selene.” Jasper, it seemed, had no qualms about spreading the secret Saturn had kept locked in his throat - despite everything, Saturn could trust Zoya. Yet, who else had he shared such sensitive information with? The unknown drove him mad. 

“What is it you wish to do then, with all of this?” Saturn asked, sending her a vague gesture towards the heavens. “Everybody, Marius, Jasper,” even himself, yet he let that thought die before it could make it into the air, “Has some sort of agenda. All I can say is something is about to happen.” That feeling had haunted him, sat as a stone in his stomach since coronation night. “If you need anything, I’ll give what I can.”  

A trail of breath exorcized itself from her like a paperweight — almost gasping — freeing her lungs, letting her inhale for the first time in days. To be heard, seen, believed in what plagued her... It was rare. Rarer still for a criminal ex-street-youth. But Saturn had always believed her, believed in her, seen something other than a split-lipped urchin begging for death in Kova’s wastelands, her hand outstretched in a fist, shivering away the last of her pride for moldy bread husks. How he’d uncurled her fingers like petals all those years ago and pressed her hand to his rose-red cheek. How, for the first time since her mother had shoved her out of the womb and discarded of her like a rat carcass, she’d felt warm. 

“You don’t think I’ve lost it, then?” Zoya murmured, pulling a hangnail from her thumb. Red pooled from the wound and formed a ladybug. She played with the droplet for a second, letting it crawl in a thin line across her finger, extending it into a ravine before licking it away. Here, alive, tasting the salt of her own body. Refusing to flinch from it. Letting it sting. Zoya’s gaze flickered upward, meeting her friend’s. If he’d seen the words fall from Selene’s lips, then there was firsthand evidence of the naming, and Saturn had always been able hear a moth stir from miles away. Raise his finger to his lips and she’d stiffen. Even now. All those men she’d bitten off fingers from to protect him, the girls she’d kept from calling him an abomination with pulled hair and scratch marks to the cheek... The pair fought for each other when life necessitated it. Despite the wounds drawing a fissure between them, that wouldn’t change.

She leaned forward, tapping her finger once against her temple as she stewed a plan. If something terrible was coming — if they needed to escape this city and hide like snow hares in another wasteland, an army bunker...then so be it. She only needed the audacity to know. “I think we’re going to have to use Magnus’ name as leverage,” she replied, after a while, her hand running the length her lips. “Use what we have and go straight to to the source, like back in Kova when we’d force out resources through threats of exposure. Who robbed who, who’d destroyed someone’s camp and then lied about it... Same schtick, except we’re going after a bigger target. A god. So I’m going to need a damn good disguise if I’m to live through it.”

[zoyaridzel-blog]

And if I breathe you / Will it kill me / Will you have me / Or watch me fall / If I had fix you / Will you hate me / Would you fuck this / And let us fall

[zoyaridzel-blog]

angelusbellum‌:

A human. 

A thousand years of rule, and he still can’t shake the curiosity that has haunted him since the beginning: what would a human taste like? He can almost smell the funeral pyres, the burning flesh of thousands who perished in the War, and a dozen wars after. Rot, terror, and above all: desolation. It was still strange to him, that these transient creatures so resembled the angels who watched over them, that their minds could build empires – but their bodies succumbed to the most inconsequential of things: time, scythes, heartbreak. 

But then again, that was the difference between the dust; and the gods. 

And here is another. She looks like she would barely sate his appetite, if he were to grasp her by her thin neck and sink his teeth into the meager flesh of her bones. Ilo peers down at the misshapen alms that the girl extends to him, a pitiful comparison to the feasts he has grown to expect in his name. Chocolate? Or dung from some god-forsaken pigpen? It was impossible to tell, when it came to street urchins like this. Still, he catches it in the palm of his hand with an agile grace, and appraises the girl with half-hooded eyes; casual. 

“Meager offering for a god,” he coos. “I would expect more from the girl who would face me before the sun does.” His arrogance is paramount. His legacy is streaked with infamy, his name slathered in blood – but still, is it not undeniable? To meet Ilo was to meet a certain death; and survive it. For some, the adrenaline in itself was sufficient. Come again and again. Beg at his feet. Throw yourself into the void of his ambition. And what is his ambition? To destroy.

“Shipwrecks are a bore.” He looks towards the ports of Paol, visible in the distance. Sleepily, boats drift from shore, and further still are the great ships; anchored at sea, their strongholds full of unimaginable treasure. “Death by drowning,” he muses - “is a shame.” 

His eye catches on the movement of her hand, a nervous tick; but too quick, too practiced. Nothing escapes him, this god of stratagem. He hums, his mouth turning up into a wicked smile; one that has burned cities, razed villages. 

“What’s in your pocket, little girl?” 

She watches the celestial’s lips curl, his hand held far away from him, as if appraising a booger from a leprosy-ridden goat. Disappointment. Right, she can be that — sham him with another well-carved mask — a snot-nosed, sniveling ex-urchin, offering her last coin to a lion-eyed, omnipotent god. “Well,” she says, “better get used to being let down by ‘the girl who'd face you before the sun does.’ I was such a let-down that when I was born, my parents took one look at me and immediately died.” She turns her head, lips an unmoving line, twitching upward only once before settling. All things considered, it's as good a theory as any of the others — lacking proof but therefore dually without counterargument, a myth, a fable — an unlit pyre. 

“Suit yourself,” Zoya responds, eyebrow arcing at Ilo’s untouched coin. She pulls another sweet from her pocket and signals down towards the rocks behind her. “That beach shack a couple miles from here, you know, the one with a line people wait in for days — I weaseled in and could only afford four of these on special sale. Based on the supply-and-demand evidence, it’s definitely inedible.” She shrugs, peeling back the foil from her chocolate, swallowing its misshapen body before crumpling its wrapper with with a metallic crinkle. Gods, yes. Earthy and rich, its flesh carries the aroma of dried fruit — roasted nuts — finished by a hint of malted milk that lingers through the caramel crunch of its downfall. Totally, ten-times-over worth waiting for. "You’re right — this is definitely the worst thing any being could consume,” she feints, extending her hand towards him with a forced grimace. “I’m afraid I’ll have to recall it from you and eat it myself in repentance.” 

Her gaze keeps locked on his at his next words, empty and unwavering. Drowning. Ilo. A shame. From him, the sentiment sees counterintuitive — the god of carnage holding remorse for an unjust death — and yet...what was he doing here? Traveling a sea town like this, scattering flocks of villagers — without anyone — alone? If she were a good mortal, a pang would curl through her ribcage at this point, but her heart is absent, leaving her cold. “What’s in your pocket, little girl?” He asks, and she pulls a net of chocolates from her coat, tossing it upward before catching it, never missing a beat. “Well, seems you’ve found out and foiled the amount of sweets I had on my person. An awful transgression. Truly a threat to your great celestial empire.”