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Hoda Rostami

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normalize taking breaks then extending the breaks, carving out peace and silence and using precious time for only the most necessary things

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With the right people, boundaries aren’t hard

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Casa Padilla 1990 @arqhugogonzalez

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bell hooks, All About Love

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ANIS MOJGANI x ALEXANDER HARDING

‘For Those Who Can Still Ride In An Airplane For The First Time’, spoken word, uploaded on Youtube on 20 Apr. 2009;

Visible Light series (2010), photography

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Actions are more of a reflection of someone’s character than their words

You can’t believe people’s words. Their actions are more reflective of their state of being. For example someone can understand racism and say that they are not racist — but in action they are actually racist. They are being racist when they said they are not. In other words, actions mean more than > words.

Another example is user behaviour can be different in usability testing than what they say in user interviews. It can completely conflict.

So next time you’re vetting someone as a viable partner, judge their actions as a reflection of them and not their words.

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I’ve been seeing Karima for exactly a year now and only now do I see the impactful work we’ve been doing. One year of being on this healing journey.

I remember when I first started seeing her, it was because post break up I was confused about my relationship with Latif. I didn’t have the language or narrative to describe what I went through for 1.5 years. But now I do.

After a year of therapy (half way through of which I rekindled my relationship with him for four months) I realized:

Latif was abusive. Abuse is when someone is controlling, when there is an unequal power dynamic and they use it to their advantage. It was at first really hard to wrap my head around that it was abusive. That he was abusive and that I was subject to it. Only after the break up did it become clear that I was in an abusive relationship.

I couldn’t see that he was abusive while I was in the relationship because I was playing into my own wounds and my dynamic with my parents. As children we rely on our parents for survival and make sense of their abuse in some form or another literally because we want to survive and belong. Latif was abusive but I have a tendency to over empathize and betray my own needs and minimize the poor treatment and abuse so that I can feel like I belong and am loved.

I realized my wound is that I feel unloved. My parents never made me feel loved. And it’s probably generational and they probably have the same wound. Now I know that anytime this wound flares up a lot it’s probably real. The person is doing something to make me feel unloved whether on purpose or not.

It’s not enough to be with someone who has good intentions but doesn’t take responsibility for their behaviour. I need someone who acts in line with their values and takes responsibility for their actions. I need someone who is already self aware and can already meet me there. I want someone who can take true responsibility for their actions. I want a true man.

Abuse is abuse. Latif’s childhood trauma does not justify or excuse the pain he causes people. Latif chose to inflict pain. He is responsible for it and his trauma does not excuse it. He is responsible for his actions. But he could never meet bar. I doesnt seem like he wants to either. He doesn’t understand what it means to be caring and generous. He has a hard time empathizing and doesn’t understand the value of empathy. He just had deep loyalty without empathy? People who love power and benefit from it don’t change the dynamics because it benefits them.

Latif has low esteem paired with a huge ego. A lethal combo. That’s why he is the way that he is and it makes so much sense. His ego will protect him and not allow him to reflect and take responsibility for his horrible mistreatment. It will shatter his sense of self if he sees it.

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NTS:

Disappoint everyone before abandoning yourself

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I am starting to see my painful relationship with Latif as an important part of my personal growth my spiritual growth. It’s almost like I had to go through that hardship and constant self betray in the name of love to be where I am today. To be headed in the direction that I am heading towards.

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I’d find Latif in every life time

Once this life comes to an end, I know that I’d find him in the next life. I’d find him again and again, in every life time. 

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It it possible to be so in love with someone you feel a whole new purpose in life. a direction you couldnt have imagined. a type of love you couldn’t have imagined. i love him and i want to give him everything in life and experience everything in life with him. I want to experience all of him and love him in ways he needs me to love him. I want to love him in ways that allows him to become who he wants to be

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Toronto. April 2019.

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Loes van Iperen

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April 2019.

I met Latif at the beginning of this month. He wears vulnerability on his sleeve.

He makes me feel loved.

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salt

Did you know that there’s a science to writing poetry? Poets like Shakespear didn’t write from the heart, every word and verse was calculated to fit a rhythm and meter. Nayyirah Waheed’s poems challenge the standard and rigid forms of english poetry. She writes that english is limited in its ability to describe the human condition ( so many other languages do a better job). You can see it in the way she manipulates the english language into a vehicle of expression that isn’t natural in english.

I first read Salt in 2014. It was a starting point in my journey of self discovery as a young woman. I found comfort and pieces of my self in her work. I thought of you and book marked the passages that might resonate. On the cover is Aleena’s Doritos covered hand print.

Across cultures and regions, salt is used a cleansing and healing element. 

// text //

It does seem like you're going through things. I don’t think you’re ready to make room for someone in your life right now. It’s unkind of you to give me the impression that you are.  No hard feelings on my end. Sure we can be friends and i’ll occasionally see you at work. 

I hope 2019 is what you need it to be 🌹

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leo: a case study

Leo Thinks: 

work work. ex. wtf is this. too much work. deadlines. work work. i must win. 

Leo Feels

heart broken. angry at himself, at his ex, at his family, at work. bitter. exhausted. sleep deprived. emotionally unavailable. sad. 

Theory/conclusion: 

Aside from the possibility that he’s still heart broken and processing the recent end of his long term relationship - he’s in a strange time in his life. It probably feels like he’s swimming against multiple tides from all directions. Coming from no financial support, probably with no emotional support either and high expectations at home, he’s had to be a highly self driven, disciplined, and type A (tunnel vision)  to make it this far and achieve what he has. probably feels like he’s missing out on life because he did 6 years of school and now straight to working 10 hours a day. he spends most of his time at work (stressed) working with people a decade or more older than him - with nothing in common. He’s bitter because of work, his obligations to his family, and (maybe) having to work twice has hard as his peers. He doesn't feel fulfilled, feels like something is missing. he’s banking too much on delayed gratification - not realizing that it’s a risk in itself. He’s frustrated because it feels like he’s fighting on all fronts. He’s at the onset of his career, probably doesn't feel grounded in anything but the hustle/drive to keep going. Eventually he’ll burn out. he’s really hard on himself.  He’s in a defining moment in his life/career and he’s not satisfied for some reason and doesn’t know how to process his emotions or anything that's not work. he’s running from something. family and financial immobility maybe, because i understand that. In short, he is going through a lot that has nothing to do with me. he actually cant make room for someone in his life right now because he’s simultaneously fighting and processing. he probably hasn’t known gentleness. no he has, i felt it. how would he know it otherwise. i wonder who taught him kindness. i think he yearns for kindness and gentleness. but doesn’t know how to get there.

Needs Time. and good friends.