aggressivebutterfles92-blog

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I’m a grown up

So tomorrow is the big day I go it alone and move into a cute little terrace on my Jack Jones.

I’m 26, I’ve lived away from home since I was 18. But never alone. It’s scary, daunting, and exciting.

I want to do this. I feel I have so much to prove.

For years I have been babied. Sometimes unintentionally. However, I feel my short, clumsy chubby- cheeked self gets modi-coddled and judged on living…

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Swipe life

Obviously, I have had that conversation with myself. The “you do you gurl” conversation. And yeh, realistically now is the time to work on myself, find myself (sans trip around the world to stroke monkeys and eat magic mushrooms.)

Therefore, this hun is not actively seeking a relationship. But I guess I’m that believer in letting everything happen for a reason. What happens happens. I’ll go with…

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I’m back bitches.

I neglected writing again. However, I have managed to keep a house plant alive for 2 weeks so, that’s consumed a lot of my time.

Firstly, let’s hit this off by saying, I think I’m okay hun. I won’t say I’ve been “living my best like”, which is all the rage these days. But I’ve been living A life (some of it blackout drunk).

Anxiety has been pestering me, that bitch constantly wants my attention,…

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The fear of being disliked.

The fear of being disliked.

I know I’ve neglected writing these posts for a while, the way I neglect all house plants I have ever owned. However, I’m sure you’ll be glad to know I’ve been pretty busy. Went away on a caravan holiday (the one I got custody of, it also appeared the rest of my family got custody too because they all came.) I got sunburnt, I laughed, I got overwhelmed by so many people in one space I did one of…

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Blooming into the new (old) me

I know I’m not 100%. I know that those anxiety bouts get the better of me sometimes. Over analysing and I still remain BFF’s. I know I’ll have to manage this all my life. 9 years with it feels like a lifetime, like watching anything with Piers Morgan on. But somethings happened. Through these blogs. I’ve really got to know a lot more about myself and who I am. And how I haven’t been that person…

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Why I became a nurse, and tried to hide my mental health.

Nursing wasn’t my first career choice. Well, I had expressed a wish to be a “nurth” when I was about 3. (My grandad kept a diary every day for years and these sort of things were in it, that and the cricket scores). Unfortunately, when applying for universities at the tender age of 17, my school never highlighted nursing as an option. It didn’t seem something that was possible. It was more of a…

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Insomnia - and other sleep beefs

Insomnia – and other sleep beefs

This isn’t a post about the bangin’ tune by Faithless. There are no glow sticks or amphetamines involved here. (I don’t know what goes on at places that would play that song, can you tell?). In fact, it’s a new phenomenon to me. Anyone who knows me, will know, I LOVE SLEEP. It’s great. It’s warm in bed, it’s cosy, I starfish. In fact I tend to sleep with my arms up in the air like I’m celebrating…

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Dear Friends

I’m sorry I lied to you. Im sorry I put on a front and never really said how bad it was at the time. I’m sorry I pushed you away. I cut myself off, I hurt you. I spent so much time trying to maintain a ‘not going anywhere’ relationship, that I neglected you. And myself. You’d think I’d learn (I learn the most ridiculous facts why can’t I learn my own bloody patterns!) But I didn’t and I’ve been…

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Inadequacy

When Googled, inadequate is defined as: Lacking the quality or quantity required; insufficient for a purpose. (Of a person) Unable to deal with a situation or with life. This is an on and off friend of mine. At the height of anxious and depressed periods, we’re best pals. We spend nights in together, snacking, watching films. We go out together, hit the Town up. Me and my ol’ pal inadequacy. But…

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I wasn’t happy.

Hindsight is a great thing. And if I learnt anything from my nurse training, so is the power of reflection (Gibbs knows what I mean). Reflection is the process of analysing your own behaviours, decisions, mistakes and questioning why they may have happened. And most importantly, how you can learn from a positive or negative experience going forward in your life. I’ve reflected on a lot of things…

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It’s time to talk about self-harm.

I know. No one really wants to broach it. Or hear about it, and definitely don’t want to see it. But it happens. Everyday, all over the world. People are using self harm as a coping mechanism. According to the Royal College of Psychiatrists, 1 in 10 people self harm. This can be through cutting, taking tablets, burning, piercing, or even swallowing objects. My chosen method has always been…

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Abandonment Part 2.

Just what you need on a Saturday night eh! So now we’ve got the curtain call on my last piece of the abandonment pie. I’m going to tell you about another one. Let me tell you now, I am absolutely TERRIFIED about writing and publishing this one. I feel I also may need to hide it from some people (but you can’t hide on the internet! Shit!) My Mother and Father divorced when I was 14. As divorces…

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1 step forward, 2 steps back.

Motivation is extremely difficult when your lucky enough to have depression. It can easily, by seen by those not in the know as laziness. Please don’t mistake the two. With laziness, which we’ve all felt. People don’t WANT to do anything. Often with depression, you DO want to do something. You want to get out and about, you want to have positive experiences, be productive. And the annoying thing…

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The finale. AKA what went down.

So here’s the curtain call on 6 years. Feel free to throw flowers on my metaphorical stage as I take my bow. As you know, the last 8 months have involved daily anxiety, regular panic attacks, frequent days of low mood and self doubt. Little did I know it was that pesky sertraline! My family noticed (apparently there were discussions about it). And my at the time partner, was aware. When I drank,…

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Side 2 of side 1. When we entered shit creak without a paddle.

We got back together. You know that yeh? It took some time for me to trust him again. Feeling on a knifes edge that any minute he could drop me again. He reassured me, we lived different lives now. I was still doing my nurse training (half way through, which is the worst time where you really want to throw anything to do with reflective writing off a cliff). He had organised to go travelling for…

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There are 2 sides to every story. I have 2 sides just for 1: Side 1.

I’ve made reference to the fact that I’m, along with all my other fun mental health issues, going through a break-up. It’s common in these situations to say “There are two sides to every story.” Which, yes there is, and it’s time now I shared my side. It’s intertwined with a deterioration in my mental health, family input, and the bitterness of arguing over who gets custody of the caravan holiday…

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Bloomin’ well did it didn’t I!

Not only did I go to my Dad’s, he persuaded me to see if I could get back some comedy tickets I had got the ex for Christmas, which he binned. And I did. I rallied up a fellow comedy friend and off we went. I was terrified like, bricking it. Being out of the house that long! every part of me was saying “don’t go!”. But I did it. And my god was it the best distraction. If only for an hour and a…