anonymousfatthoughts

[anonymousfatthoughts]

A big update:

First, I don’t use tumblr much anymore because I’m pissed off about the way they’re managing content. I literally only use tumblr now as a way to vent when I’m mad and I can’t seem to get my thoughts out any other way.

I have been working with a therapist for a year. I have been working with a personal trainer, but not truly giving it my all, for 5ish months. I’ve been working with a nutritionist for 3 weeks. I am at the highest weight I’ve ever been at and I am freaking out!!!!

I cant seem to figure out this food thing. Why can’t I seem to figure it out?! I have all these road blocks in my head for what my day should be like and how I can make eating work during my day. My wife made a healthy millet dish and I literally am just not eating it because I don’t know what it tastes like.

What the fuck. Why can’t I figure it out? I can FEEL that my body is hungry, but my brain is fighting that feeling by turning my nose up. I had breakfast ready for me AT WORK TODAY but I got coffee and a breakfast sandwich instead. I can’t seem to make breakfast work. I can’t make lunch work. By dinner I’m exhausted and exasperated about food so I just eat whatever is easy. I’m over it.

I have nutrition today and I just feel like I’m going to fall completely apart. Just melt right into the center of the earth and sleep forever. That sounds like a welcome action, tbh...

I was also going to go to the gym today but I overslept like an asshole.

Fuck it. Whatever. I’m frustrated as hell.

[anonymousfatthoughts]

[anonymousfatthoughts]

My Conspiracy Theory

[anonymousfatthoughts]

I went to the nutritionist for the first time yesterday.

I am having all kinds of feelings about it.

We discussed her philosophy of intuitive eating (which I would eventually like to get to) and the ways that can be beneficial for healing disordered eating behaviors.

We talked a lot about my background with food and the trauma that has gone with it.

We talked about the fact that I haven’t been formally diagnosed with an eating disorder because I’ve always been a fat woman.

She also mentioned that she can’t tell me how to lose weight and that the best case scenario is that intuitive eating just naturally helps me lose weight.

She also mentioned that she prefers working on accepting myself as I am rather than working toward changing myself.

We talked about the “what if’s” of not trying to lose weight anymore.

Who am I if I’m not trying to lose weight?

Can I ever see myself as a permanently fat person?

Would I lose weight if I ate intuitively and *that* would be my solution?

I feel like the only thing it would change is the way I feel about food, but it wouldn’t change the way I interact with it.

I’m conflicted.

I will see another nutritionist on Friday to see what she is like, but the nutritionist I saw yesterday knows the one I’m going to see and says her process is virtually the same.

What the fuck am I supposed to do?

I don’t even know what to think anymore.

[anonymousfatthoughts]

Friendly reminder to not punish yourself for creating. 

[anonymousfatthoughts]

I have been planted underneath the dirt and I am creating my roots

As they reach beneath the surface I continue to stretch my arms to find the light

What, to you, may look like lack of change is the beginning of restructure below the surface

Without a strong system of roots to ground me, my growth will not be maintained

I am a new leaf, but there will be many more

I will continue to grow, to wilt, and to reach for light

[anonymousfatthoughts]

It’s 6:13 AM and I’m done with my workout.

5 mins bike at level 7 (1.39 mi)

15 soldier walks (x2)

15 butt kicks (x2)

10 piriformis walks (x2)

3 inchworms (modified)

30 shoulder mobility exercises

2 sets 15 TRX push-ups

2 sets 5 lbs floor flys (15 reps then second 10 reps)

2 sets TRX rows

2 sets 15 40 lbs lat pull down

2 sets 15 30 lbs pallof press

2 sets 15 20 lbs - 10 lbs squat —> overhead press

2 sets 15 glute bridges

Stretching

Sauna

Death. Lol.

[anonymousfatthoughts]

5:45 AM gym session.

5 minute bike ride, level 7-8, 1.4 miles

10-15 standing leg kicks each leg (x2)

10-15 pirouette walks each leg (x2)

2 inchworms

5 lunch & twist each leg

15 lavender kettlebell butt touch squats (x2)

10-15 step ups with 12.5 lbs (x2)

10 TRX reverse lunges each leg (x2)

10 TRX push-ups (x2)

10 TRX rows (x2)

15 blue banded pull downs (x2)

10 glute bridges (x2)

8-10 circles of leg circles each leg each direction

Stretched after

Total time: 45 minutes

Takeaways:

- first, I kicked ass today. Best workout since before vacation. Go me.

- I didn’t go through my whole workout and need to address that with my trainer. She is giving me a little too much at once and now I’m getting overwhelmed.

- I chugged a protein shake after working out and it made me full and I didn’t hate it

- I need to get to the gym earlier if I am going to workout, go home, shower, and do hair and makeup before work at 8 AM. Or on Tuesdays I need to not worry about my hair.

- Getting up early was not too hard.

- I need to prep my lunch the night before.

- I am a strong, badass, independent woman.

[anonymousfatthoughts]

Express yourself however you feel comfortable.

[anonymousfatthoughts]

[anonymousfatthoughts]

It’s not annoying, you’re not too needy. Your feelings matter. 

[anonymousfatthoughts]

Fell a little off track. Planning ahead is really, really important. I have to make an effort to wake up on time. How does one do everything they want to do in the span of just one day while also getting enough sleep?? I feel fatigued at constant productivity and right now I just want to take a bathhhhh. Gunna go take a bath and think about stuff.

[anonymousfatthoughts]

I am back from a vacation and a hiatus from keeping too much track of food.

While I was gone on a long road trip across 3-4 states I did not get fast food ONCE and that feels like a huge accomplishment.

As I got home I started to reflect and I know that my choices were not always the “healthiest thing” on the menu, however it was healthier for me to just trust myself and order what I wanted to eat.

Now my goals are to reduce the amount of food I eat outside of the house. I also am hoping to avoid fast food for at least another 2 weeks and will set new goals at that time as far as that is concerned. Small, obtainable goals are going to work for me. That two weeks will be on October 7th, so I can evaluate my progress then. My hope is that I can only eat food either from the grocery store or home (which includes my co-op’s salad, soup, and/or hot bar) for the next 4 days (until Saturday, September 30th). Once I meet that goal, I will again reevaluate and see where I want to be.

My fiancée is losing weight steadily and people are noticing. On one hand I am happy for her and on the other hand I want to see those results in myself, so I am going to have to work to see those results. Even if it comes easily for her it is not coming as easily for me so I have work to do.

My mental health is stable, but I am tired. I am ready for the weekend to be here and to be able to relax at home once again. I’m happy to be working again, excited for upcoming changes, and looking forward to meeting attainable goals.

[anonymousfatthoughts]

I am yawning all over this bitch today.

I’m tired and sore from cardio yesterday and that feels like a damned joke.

I’m plugged up and wanting to eat healthy but I also want a red bull because I am SO TIRED

I’m just afraid it will make me anxious without the energy boost, lol.

Going on vacation at the end of the week and taking the opportunity to reset my eating habits and my self care habits... we’ll see how that goes ❤️

[anonymousfatthoughts]

I’ve been silent and staying away from this blog mostly because I’ve been going through a hard time with all kinds of shit.

I have a million thoughts running through my head and sorting through them feels impossible. I feel incredibly vulnerable talking about the things that I experience, especially in front of people in my life, and that is a process I’m starting right now.

I want to feel accountable to myself and adding a layer of accountability through talking to others about my struggles and my hopes and dreams.

Ugh. I don’t know.

[anonymousfatthoughts]

I am tired of searching for answers when the answer has been right in front of my face forever and I just... can’t seem to get myself to do what I know I need to do

I am tired of feeling like this is a process versus just being able to live my normal life and feel like I can make healthy decisions like any other person

I’m going to the gym like I said I would and I’m eating like an asshole which is just putting me at maintenance rather than getting me where I want to go

I have to change. Fuck.

[anonymousfatthoughts]

Haven’t updated in a minute, so here I am!

I started a new mental health med that makes me feel motion sick all day, but hopefully that subsides after some time. I already feel a little less riding anxiety but I’m not sure where that comes from. Luckily it isn’t making me a giant zombie, but I don’t know if it’s positively impacting me yet.

One positive is that it is drastically decreasing my binge urges which is very helpful. When I feel nauseous I can’t overeat, and this might help me kind of start over a little bit.

That being said, I’m also still being healthy as possible. I’ve been trying to get as many veggies in as I can stand on top of not binging on junk. Yesterday I did well- I had one small treat and that was it. Today I’m going to see if I can go without a sugary treat. It’s making me pretty tired but I can push through.

The gym was rough yesterday. I worked out with my trainer who pushed me just an inch past my limit which ended up with me puking in my hands right outside of the locker room. Little embarrassing- that’s an understatement.

Anyways, I’m gunna keep pushing and keep trying.