anxious-reblogger

[anxious-reblogger]

Theys, gays and girls! Happy Pride to all! I’m working on a few other pieces, shouldn’t take me as long as this one did <3

[anxious-reblogger]

Mumbo: Y'know, Grian, I've always wondered something — why are your eyes purple?

Grian, panicking: I have Alexandria’s Genesis.

[anxious-reblogger]

thinking about how when you experience a lot of shame in your formative years (indirectly, directly, as abuse or just as an extant part of your environment) it becomes really difficult to be perceived by other people in general. the mere concept of someone watching me do anything, whether it's a totally normal activity or something unfamiliar of embarrassing, whether I'm working in an excel spreadsheet or being horny on main, it just makes my skin crawl and my brain turn to static because I cannot convince myself that it's okay to be seen and experienced. because to exist is to be ashamed and embarrassed of myself, whether I'm failing at something or not, because my instinctive reaction to anyone commenting on ANYTHING I'm doing is to crawl into a hole and die. it's such a bizarre and dehumanizing feeling to just not be able to exist without constantly thinking about how you are being Perceived. ceaseless watcher give me a god damn break.

[anxious-reblogger]

SCOTT SMAJOR APPRECIATION WEEK - DAY 6: Free day

guys… my mizu5 looks a lil different……

just a silly thing for me to experiment with brushes and such! ngl it looks wonky but i don’t feel like fixing it

i don’t really draw in grayscale…

here’s the og in case you’re not familiar

@ju5tanarti5t

[anxious-reblogger]

Sometimes I see people pose the question of whether Scott gives to others because he cares about them, or out of selfish desire, because it in some way benefits him to do so- and a lot of times this is posed with this implication that he's being manipulative, lying, or using people. But I think this is a false dichotomy and I find it a bit ludicrous.

Scott Smajor is kind, he's generous, he's fun and he's giving and he loves his friends so much. He cares, genuinely and deeply about people, he doesn't give up on them, he makes them feel special because they are special to him and he wants nothing but joy for them.

Scott Smajor is also a person who desperately wants control over his life, and in many ways, being diplomatic and giving helps him achieve that, which I'm certain is an underlying motivator, especially given his past experiences with immense loss and lack of control.

This is not bad. This is not immoral. This is not evidence he's in any way 'lying' or 'manipulating' when he claims to give out of love.

It's very human to want to act in a way that will give you personal agency and minimize the likelihood that you'll be hurt. Having personal desires doesn't mean you're dishonest or evil, and it's not a 'lie' or 'manipulative' to do good and generous things without being 'pure enough' while you're doing them.

It rubs me the wrong way when people view any evidence of Scott having motivations that aren't completely purely 'selfless' as a betrayal or moral fault, a sign of inherent corruption and deception, instead of just human nature.

Ironically, I think this- the concept of purity- is one of the things Scott himself struggles with immensely.

One 'rule' of Scott's character for me is that he will typically not allow himself to do something if he cannot justify it as being 'correct' (i think Scott sees 'correct' as anything that contributes positively to peace, safety, cleanliness, or moral standing of himself and his group). Scott will, in many cases, actively withhold his own desires, even if they're broadly non-harmful, and will actively do things he doesn't seem to want to do because they are 'correct' to do.

Scott, in many ways, finds stability and safety in repression, in fixating on purity of thought, action, and motivation, as if he feels it's necessary to avoid bad things happening to himself or his loved ones.

But that's not true. When people say Scott is 'selfish'- with the implication that he's manipulative- for having non-selfless motivators, that's wrong, and when Scott himself believes he's obligated to meet a standard of moral purity, that's wrong too.

The thing I think Scott actually needs to learn, the main 'flaw' I think he has in many ways, is that 'purity' doesn't exist, and that being a human being with human desires and motivations is good. It's okay to want things, it's okay to desire things for reasons that aren't 'selfless', it isn't deceptive, or manipulative, or wrong, you aren't a bad person, nor will the world end, if you fail to please someone, or if you want to keep something for yourself, or if you have desires that are just about you and nobody else.

Being a good person who loves the people around you and having 'selfish' personal desires are not mutually exclusive.

(half of this is actual character analysis and half of it is me working through my ocd through scott smajor. i have not slept in like twenty eight hours sorry for the current posting quality.)

[anxious-reblogger]

Having an abusive parent is kinda funny in retrospect like mommy why do you have beef with me im 4 i love you

[anxious-reblogger]

At first I said "Tommyinnit is the flower husbands' long lost lovechild" as a JOKE.

But guys.

I don't think It's a joke anymore.

[anxious-reblogger]

As a flower ranchers shipper the amount of mental contortionism some ranchers shippers use to explain why Scott is the spawn of satan or whatever is hilarious.

Like, I get toxic fh, that's cool and interesting as a concept and could be used in interesting ways. But it feels like making it a cool dynamic that makes sense is never the point is it? It's just to feel superior about yourself and your ship.

This of course has the unintended effect of making multishippers fandom experience worse because they have to decide wether to ignore a lot of very interesting au's or be forced to have another of your favorite ships insulted over and over like a punch to the face. But hey, at least your ship is now morally superior! Congrats! That achieved absolutely nothing worthwhile.

[anxious-reblogger]

A fun overview of The Fishing IncidentTM!

Things caught while fishing (Started pt 85 )

/14/ A fish on the smaller side, but a pretty good first attempt!

/20/ Small chest with 10 gold, a clock, a glowing book(unknown enchantment), and a health potion

/16/ Another fish

/19/ A book that smells of fire (fire aspect, flame, or fire protection if we’re going mc enchantments is my guess)

/15/ A medium size fish and a concerned looking Gem

/18/ A book that is cold to touch (frost walker?)

/15/ A fish with progressively higher difficulty challenge

/16, 17, 20/ Enough fish to feed a small army and a horrified yet impressed look from Gem

/18/ A swordfish longer than [Scar’s] arm

/19/ Shinier book like the one Gem wanted earlier [This?] one shining more than the others (void magic? That was the first book we caught, but that was before the Fishing Incident. I’m not sure if author meant “this one” or “the one” when referring to “more than the others.” This was back in pt 58),

/19 HOW?/ Nothing to say and an accepted fate

/9/ A snapped string of a fishing rod and an end to this fishing madness

The Numbers (may be slightly off, number of votes each choice had was obtained via a tumblr poll grabber and may be inaccurate)

93.8% | 6.2% 121 votes to *keep fishing*; 8 votes to *stop*; 129 total votes

83.1% | 16.9% 118 vote 118 voted to *keep fishing*; 24 votes to *stop*; 142 total votes

80.6% | 19.4% 79 votes to *keep fishing*; 19 votes to *stop*; 98 total votes

80.3% | 19.7% 57 votes to *keep fishing*; 14 votes to *stop*; 71 total votes

72.6% | 27.4% 53 votes to … *keep fishing*; 20 votes to STOP; 73

77.2% | 22.8% 61 votes to . . . *keep fishing*; 18 votes to please stop; 79 total votes

70.9% | 29.1% 56 votes to . . . I’m legally obligated to give you the choice to keep fishing; 23 votes to Click STOP for free going foward in the story and not being stuck here forever; 79 total votes

79.8% | 20.2% 87 votes to NO NO NO NO *keep fishing*; 22 votes to PLEASE *stop*; 109 total votes

77.6% | 22.4% 118 votes to . . . *keep fishing*; 34 votes to *I’m begging, please stop*; 152 total votes*

74.5% | 25.5% 73 votes to *fish*; 25 votes to *fishn’t*; 98 total votes

55.8% | 14.7% | 3.2% | 2.1% | 6.3% | 4.2% | 8.4% | 5.3% 54 votes to *fish me*; 15 votes to *fish me not*; 3 votes to *fish me*; 2 votes to *fish me not*; 6 votes to *fish me*; 4 votes to *fish me not*; 8 votes to *fish me*; 5 votes to *fish me not*; 95 votes total; 71 total *fish me* (73.7%); 24 total *fish me not* (26.3%)

Mercy of a god p96

...

...

*THANK THE GODS*

*Finally!*

*The string of the fishing rod snaps sending you back into the ground, your head spins*

Gem: Well, That's what happens when you fish without taking breaks.

Scar: E-eh.

Gem: Well, that was fun to watch at least.

Scar: . . . Thanks.

Prev Next First

[anxious-reblogger]

[anxious-reblogger]

There needs to be more talk about the way autistic people can respond to pain differently.

I get sick, I injure myself, I feel pain, and I do not like it. But you can't see that by just looking at me a lot of the time. I almost never cry or make any sort of pain vocalizations. When I am sick I almost never "act sick", I will act as I normally do, only I sleep sooner and wear a mask/wash hands often when around people.

This is true even for severe pain and illnesses that I gather would have most people bedridden and moaning, such as rib fractures and influenza. Both of which I have just walked around with, "as if nothing was wrong", as put by my roommate.

This is the main reason for my medical neglect as a child. It never "looked like" I was in enough pain to be taken seriously. And if I attempted to perform pain, it looked like I was doing a terrible job at faking.

I have had to walk over a mile home with a dislocated kneecap because adults did not believe I was injured. I still have issues with that knee to this day. A doctor never even saw it because my parents didn't even want to see it, and didn't believe me, because I wasn't crying.

This is not the only case of this happening, it was such a common theme during my childhood that I stopped going to my parents when I was hurt or ill. I started going to my teachers instead, which caused CPS to be called. Nothing came of it, other than my parents getting angry with me for "lying about them", so I stopped going to my teachers for help too. And I learned to ignore every injury and illness I got until I moved out.

I was unable to express when I needed help, so I never got it.

[anxious-reblogger]

served my duty as an autistic artist and made a bunch of autism creature reaction images

[anxious-reblogger]

I've talked before about how Scott sacrifices for others out of love, and because he doesn't want to lose them. Which is true.

But I also think there's another aspect that isn't discussed often. That being the fact that Scott is often pressured into giving.

Scott's teammates often expect him to protect and provide for them, to listen to them, to forgive them, to support and back them no matter what. There are multiple occasions, especially in early seasons, where Scott is overtly hesitant to do something, and is pressed by his team to do it anyway. Not intentionally, usually, but just because..Scott is always on top of things, so people expect him to be there to help.

People act like it's a surprise, that Scott is so ready to die, again and again, for other people. But it's really not. Of course he devalues his own life, everyone expects him to. Scott's always okay, always there to help, always a team player. He makes truly astounding compromises and forgives blatant disloyalty like it's nothing. He gives away his own life like it's nothing.

And then some fans read him as being "selfish" and pushing his self sacrifice onto his teammates, as if he's so giving as a power play or something, as if it isn't very much learned behavior.

[anxious-reblogger]

My sign of love is giving up my life to you, as much as you need from it - I'll give

[anxious-reblogger]

i’m so glad earth only has one moon, if there were more i’d have to pick a favorite and that sounds too emotionally taxing to even fathom

[anxious-reblogger]

Omg me actually saying something in the body of a post and not the tags? Wow! That doesn’t happen often! But it’s happening here cause I have a lot to say and 50 tags is not enough.

First, I will freely admit to being biased as he is my comfort creator and his character my comfort character. I don’t say this with the intent of manipulating but just being forthright.

Second, earlier this year, I got slapped with a realization while working through my trauma that in turn made me understand c!Scott. Let me clarify that I am in no way trying to convince you about anything or imply anything with cc!Scott, I am strictly talking about c!Scott.

Anyways. Turns out, my abandonment issues runs deeper and influences me more than I thought.

I really don’t understand why some people are so insistent on Scott being manipulative and him sacrificing himself being some kind of power play. To me, it only seems like those people want a villain and Scott is just too easy to villainify. Like OP said, there arent rules about winning a second time, so what would the point of Scott manipulating his teammates to “win through them”? He’s shown to be a powerful ally and a good team player.

In fact, it’s arguable that he’s too good. Here I argue that Scott isn’t good for himself. I argue that he’s good because he cares about his teammates and wants to protect them and help them prepare and just be good enough and show that he’s worth keeping around. You see, this is where abandonment issues can come into play.

Know that I only speak from my own experiences. When you have abandonment issues, you desperately want to show that you’re good enough, that you can still give, that you’re worth keeping around, that you can be useful, you’d give your all just to get the people you love keep you around. You’d give your all until you have nothing left and then still try and give more because if you can’t give anything, if you aren’t useful, than why would anyone want to be around you?

You feel like you can’t trust people to like you for you and that you always have to give something in return, which can also show in more “transactional” relationships. Don’t ask for things, but give all of yourself. So long as you don’t try their patience, so long as you don’t outlive your usefulness, they’re more likely to keep you around.

If giving your all means giving your life? You’d do it in a heartbeat. From my experience, that’s just how it is. Whatever it is they want, or you think they want, you’ll give. And it’s so damn confusing when they say that you don’t have to give anything. You can’t believe it. You can’t believe in something like that. It feels like betrayal in a way. It can feel like trying to let you down gently only so they can walk away from you without hard feelings. It feels dangerous and like a trap and you can feel even more desperate to give something, anything, just say that you like me still, and I’ll be okay.

And for him being petty, yeah, he can definitely be petty and hold a grudge, BUT I argue that part of why he is so is because it feels “safe” in through “transactional lens” that abandonment issues can come with. If someone has wronged him, it feels safer to wrong them back. HOWEVER, if it is his ally, like with Gem in Secret Life or Martyn in Limited Life, Scott spins it on himself somehow. He spins Gem attacking him during the boogiepocalypss as tasks just making people do crazy things and he spins Martyn literally stabbing him in the back as not having it any other way as him being okay with it.

And even if you were to argued that Scott is sacrificing himself to save himself the grief of losing his teammates is selfish, I can’t agree that it is wholly selfish. With his deaths, he still gives his teammates some kind of advantage or boost, he still gives even in his own death.

When he’s alive, he’s so ready to give and provide to his teammates, be it food, potions, resources, whatever, he’s always so ready to take initiative in order to give and show he’s useful and when the end nears and he and his teammates only have so much time left, he gives them his life because he’s almost outlived his use in that game and he’d rather it go to them as a final act of love and belief in them.

Oh my, that was long. And maybe a lil heavy on the trauma talking. But you get my point. I think. It’s fine if you disagree with me, I only ask you don’t call me a bad person or anything like that because of my opinion.

Most of us can agree that Scott helps and sacrifices for his partners out of love, right?

I occasionally see takes that makes Scott's self sacrifice and generosity toward his teammates into some kind of malicious power-play in which he's somehow living through them to win in his own way and trying to rob everyone else of a fair playing field or their own agency.

Which I think is a really odd way of looking at things.

I mean first of all there's no rule against winning twice. If Scott was trying to make some power play to stack up victories, he could just win a second time. Why would he need pseudo-victories through his allies dressed up as wanting what's best for them when he could just as easily turn on them to win himself? What is the purpose of a roundabout victory-through-proxy when there's no real rule against just actually getting a real victory again?

And beyond that, it just doesn't really have a basis in Scott's perspective at all. I haven't watched every pov from every season, admittedly, so I can't claim to know whether he comes across this way in other pov's. But I have watched all of Scott's pov's, and it's very apparent that his self sacrifice and fixation on helping his allies is out of love.

Scott has always been deeply invested in his allies living, in seeing them safe and happy. For the first few seasons when he did outlive them, he was crushed, and every time he sacrifices himself to see them live on its with a lot of kindness. It's never, "They're going to win for me!", it's always "You deserve this more" or "Sometimes you (meaning scott) just have to take one for the band".

Never do I get the impression from Scott that he views people as tools for a proxy win or to make a statement or for a power play. It's just not present in his perspective.

At worst you can argue that Scott choosing to die first specifically to avoid grief is selfish in a way (which i dont necessarily agree with, but its a debate more grounded in reality, at least), but I just don't see the interpretations of extreme malice or manipulation in his sacrifices. They're acts of love, in one way or another.

[anxious-reblogger]

There are two types of Autism, Baking vs Cooking

The difference between baking and cooking, is that you have to follow the EXACT recipe for one, and the other, you can experiment with the different flavors and techniques.

The Rule following Autistic LOVES baking, and takes joy in following the recipe word for word.

The experimenting Autistic loves figuring out the different flavors and figuring out which profiles go together best.