arocharacteradvice

[arocharacteradvice]

hi i just found com/post/611807427248242688/ and while i plan to be very open about every label and all that, i was planning on a similar situation, ship-wise. a lithromantic romance repulsed character is in a qpr with an aroallo character. being aplatonic (and aroace) i found out while writing, that i don't really have a grasp on the difference between a romantic relationship and a sexual qpr. could you enlighten me? ^^

Hi,

So, from an outside perspective, qprs can look identical to romantic relationships, because they’re defined not by what actions and relationship staples they’re made up of, but by how the people in the relationship want to see it. Qprs are fundamentally pick and mix platonic relationships, so if queerplatonic partners enjoy ‘romantic’ things like kissing, holding hands, living together, those things can be a part of their relationship. Likewise if they don’t enjoy that kind of thing, the relationship may look more like a traditional friendship. 

This also extends to sexual activities, which are not tied to romance, and many people aro or not enjoy in a platonic context. Since it’s a societal norm to experience both sexual and romantic attraction and to experience them together, many people will imply that a typical romantic relationship is pretty much synonymous with ‘friends plus sex’, so I get why someone might struggle to differentiate between a traditional romantic relationship and a platonic one incorporating sex, but queerplatonic partners having sex doesn’t change the nature of a qpr. It’s just one of many activities that can be part of one.

Basically, qprs are whatever the people involved want them to be, so whether we’re comparing them to friendships, romantic relationships, friends with benefits and etc., there is no identifying mark to differentiate them. The way your characters’ relationship is specified will just be how the characters choose to label it!

I hope that helps.

- Mod Kaladin

[arocharacteradvice]

Bird Voidsona :)

‘cupids hate them’

[arocharacteradvice]

Hello, I am writing a character that is asexual and aromantic but has a child. The situation is one of her students (it's in college and hes in his mid 20s while shes in her late 30s) wants to start a relationship with her and states he will be a great step father. What will be her thought process and emotions during this situation?

I mean first thought from any decent human being is going to be ‘yikes’ because you shouldn’t date your student? You don’t have to be aro to see someone you have a position of power over as off limits and not someone you could be attracted to.

I’m going to assume you sent this ask in good faith and weren’t trying to imply that dating your student would be ethical, but I can only really answer this by addressing the rest of your ask independent of the student/teacher context. ie. I’ll talk about how an aro ace person might feel being asked out by someone in a general setting.

First off, not every aromantic feels the same way. Some are actually open to relationships (providing there is good communication and the partner respects their aromanticism), some would feel indifferent, maybe a little akward, and some would feel distressed and uncomfortable. I can’t tell you more specifically how your character would react with what information I have, so it’s probably a good idea for you to do your own pondering on how she feels about romance past her lack of attraction.

As for the child, if someone said something like that to me I would probably assume they were trying to use the argument that they would be a good step father as a way to get me to date them, and I’d probably feel annoyed and a little condescended. A single parent, especially an aro tired of the assumption they need a partner, might also feel like this was a judgement on the child not currently having a father. Can’t speak for everyone but it feels skeevy and I reckon most people would be at least a bit dubious of it.

- Mod Kaladin

[arocharacteradvice]

Hi! I'm an aroace writer, who's basically any-attraction-repulsed. Still I want to write alloaro and demiro characters. The thing is. No aro person can properly explain romantic attraction and that one answer I got so far was "When i did fall in love (being a demiA person) there was some spark to my attraction. Nothing more." And HOW should I write that? Is the difference from romance to platonic, queerplatonic and alterous attraction really just some "spark"? Sounds fake but ok. :p

Hi!

First off, sorry for the late response. 

Sadly attraction is not really something that can be described, and you’re unlikely to get an answer past ‘You Just Know’. However the literary world is full of metaphors for that kind of thing that you can use or be inspired by. People won’t be reading a book expecting a perfect, realistic, step by step description of attraction, they’ll just need either the bare fact that a character has a crush on another character, or depending on tone a flowery description of that. 

The other thing that helps is that, as I think most aros know from personal experience, there can be little outward difference between how someone shows romantic feelings and how they show platonic ones. It’s also true that people tend to lean towards interpreting close relationships as romantic which is shitty, but sort of helpful here because it means you really don’t have to put much work into portraying something as romantic for people to read it that way.

My practical advice is to write a romantic relationship, and romantic attraction, just like you would any relationship and desire for closeness, just specify if needed that character A has a ‘crush’ on character B and wants to date them, or that characters A and B are girlfriends or etc. 

Good luck!

- Mod Kaladin

[arocharacteradvice]

Is having one character confess romantic feelings for an aromantic character, then having said aromantic character explain that they're aro a good way to have an aromantic character come out?

That sounds like a really great way, it’s a reason many aros explain they’re aro in real like, just like how a gay man being flirted with by a woman is likely to take that moment to explain he’s into guys. It’s pretty much how I’m having an aro character in my own wip come out! As long as you don’t make it into some weird scene about the first character feeling sad and rejected, and are sympathetic to both people in the situation, this should be good.

- Mod Kaladin

[arocharacteradvice]

Whoops

Welp, okay there was an attempt made at updating this more! The world kinda went to shit - god its been literally 23 days how is march 5th a year ago - and as usual I can't speak for the other mods, but I kinda ended up swamped with the whole.... pandemic thing.

As far as I am aware all 3 of us mods are safe and healthy, though! Which is a win! Hopefully I'll be able to update a bit more, finish up my writing greyro characters tip post, and answer some asks in the near future!

Stay safe, stay healthy, and write when you have the energy!

[arocharacteradvice]

ALSO UPDATE

WE HAVE 390 FOLLOWERS!!! That's a fucking lot! Mod Atem here wanting to thank each and every one of you for following us, and for sticking by in our temporary absence!! It means so much and I'm so glad we have been able to provide this resource for so many writers!!

[arocharacteradvice]

After those there's actually about 3 asks in a row asking about writing grey/demiro characters, so I'm going to draft a post about tips I may have on that instead kf answering 3 asks in a row on it!

[arocharacteradvice]

I have a character who's aro-spec ace. (where he lies in the spectrum is uncertain to me, I've thought about lithro since he's also romance- repulsed) He's in a qpr and the trope is found family. How can I portray a qpr without alloromantic readers getting the wrong idea? I can't straight up say his orientation because I'm closeted myself and live in a country where if you're not straight it's a bad situation, so I don't want any backlash.(Aka I'm too afraid to, for reasons,I'm aro myself btw.)

First off I want to say I'm sorry to hear that you're in a situation like that. Being closeted is not a fun experience, and less so when serious backlash can come from it.

Next off I'm glad to say this is a topic I can for sure help on! Simply put: you can have the character state that the relationship they have with their QPP is not romantic! If someone teases they're dating, your character could easily laugh it off awkwardly and say that they're very, very close friends, but they're not romantically together. They don't have to state that they're aromantic, or even that they feel however which way about their QPP! That's one of the plus sides to writing things more subtley, I find at least. Having a character push off romance, moan about it, or just say they think it's overrated is one way I've made aro characters textually canon myself.

I hope this is some sort of help, and good luck to you 💚. I hope things get better!

[arocharacteradvice]

(1/2) I'm an aro questioning aplatonic writer and want to incorporate aplatonic characters in my work, but the problem I keep running into is that I don't know what good aplatonic rep would look like (or if there even is a unifying aplatonic experience). I've seen aplatonic people define aplatonic as everything; 'doesn't want a qpr', 'doesn't experience (queer)platonic attraction', 'doesn't get squishes', 'doesn't form platonic bonds/friendships at all', etc. etc.

(2/2) since it seems like 'aplatonic' as a label can mean a lot of different things to a lot of different people and there doesn't really seem to be a unifying experience, it's hard for me to figure out what kind of portrayal of an aplatonic character would resonate with aplatonic people, or what things to avoid writing. (on a personal level, it's also making questioning VERY difficult.) do you have any tips on how to write an aplatonic character in a way that won't alienate aplatonic people?

Well, this one is a bit tricky. I think the big thing here is deciding which definition you want your aplatonic character to fit! It's intentionally vague specifically because of the variety of experiences aplatonic people have, similar to why QPR has such a vague description, as with alterous attraction.

I use aplatonic personally to say I'm not interested in QPRs. So, for me, an aplatonic character who I would be able to see myself in would be a character who doesn't want a QPR.

For others however, that may mean they don't feel platonic attraction/the desire to make friends with particular people. So their representation would be different than mine.

To write an aplatonic character that can be... I guess aided by direct do/don't suggestions here, you have to make a choice as to what aplatonic means to your character. Using any of the definitions for it is okay! Just be sure you know what definition you're using, and ask people who have that definition as well for specifics as to what they may want to see!

[arocharacteradvice]

I have an oc who is gnc nonbinary (so not particularly androgynous) and alloaro. they’re v flirtatious/affectionate with everyone and has participated in sex work in the past. is this a stereotype/would there be any major pitfalls in writing a character like this?

Okay this is a fun one as a gnc nonbinary alloaro who's done sex work. I love this. That's the rep I'm talking about

Big things I'd say are good to be careful about:

- Sex work is work. It's separate from private and personal life. Keep it so. It may be taboo as well to some people, but don't frame it as such in the story as it reinforces the stigma.

- Try to keep it clear that the alloaro person isn't flirty because they're alloaro but rather that it's a separate trait and the two things just so happen to both be traits they have.

- If you're a binary person (trans or cis) be careful of framing being nonbinary as exotic or as a "sexy third gender" or such. Also, their agab may or may not come up since they are a sex worker, but it ideally won't be a... big thing. As in it won't be a plot thing.

- Finally, be sure that this character isn't just a sexy, flirty sex worker alloaro no romo just sex person or whatever. That may seem obvious but you would be shocked at how that shit can accidentally become your character's entire personality. Remember work vs personal life should be separate especially as a sex worker.

If there's anything else, feel free to DM me about it on my personal blog!

[arocharacteradvice]

Oh my god, Mod Atem popping in here to say WHOOPS we have a major backlog of asks in the inbox right now! Us mods have been INCREDIBLY busy with our personal lives lately, and haven't had a chance to really get on top of the questions! I'm probably going to answer a few of the Qs in the inbox that are a bit easier for me to do, but we probably won't be very consistent for a bit still unfortunately! Stay tuned for more updates from us!!

[arocharacteradvice]

i know this is kind of the opposite of this blog's purpose, but, aro to aro, do you have any tips on writing alloromantic characters?

Hi!

So, first off, my advice is to stop wherever you feel uncomfortable or weird, whether that’s writing an in depth romantic arc, or just writing romance at all. 

That said, I do have a couple of tips.

1. Treat romantic relationships like any other! Obviously the characters will have romantic feelings for each other, but try not to overthink the differences between how two people who are dating would show they care for each other as opposed to people who aren’t, especially since society really equates love and romance so readers are unlikely not to get ~romance vibes~ from any characters who are written as loving each other. 

This is a curse a lot of the time, but a blessing in this context. Basically, don’t think ‘what would make this scene more romantic’, but ‘what would be nice/sweet/caring’. It will probably create romantic dynamics that feel very fresh to alloromatic readers too.

2. Don’t worry that your alloromantic characters are ‘too aro’ in their thinking. You’re allowed to write characters that would accept you, even if that feels selfish, or single characters if you don’t want to write a romance. Just because someone Can date or be amatonormative doesn’t mean that have to.

I’m not saying never to write an arophobic character or an alloro who sees things very differently to how aros would, just that alloromantics aren’t some monolith any more than aros are, so it’s fine to write the kind of character you’d like to rather than thinking ‘oh they’re alloromantic, they’d never think to comfort my aro character like that’ and then upsetting yourself by writing a character you don’t actually agree with for the sake of ‘accuracy’.

Good luck!

- Mod Kaladin

[arocharacteradvice]

I'm demiromantic and recently wrote a sci-fi novel with an aro main character. I partially based his experiences off of my own, but I'm worried that it's not clear enough that he's aromantic. He's gay aromantic and has had a number of romantic/sexual relationships, but values his platonic bond with his best friend more. He realizes he's aromanitc during the book as he's in a romantic/sexual relationship, but there's a mismatch between his and his partner's (who's allo) feelings. (1/2)

(2/2) He's social and physically affectionate, so he thinks of romantic relationships as friendships with sex where you're allowed to be more affectionate. It's the difference between his and his partners feelings that makes him realize that isn't how it is for everyone. It hurts their relationship. His partner and others accuses him of being cold and he faces arophobia, but later he gets an apology and people around him validate him as loving and aro. Are there pitfalls I should be aware of?

Oh, this is another one of the two-part ask about the aromantic main character in my sci-fi novel from the demiromantic writer! I was hoping to make this a series and have him end up with the partner I mentioned in the last ask at the end, but with the understanding that he's aromantic and while he does care about his partner its not in a romantic way. They go into it openly knowing their feelings are mismatched. Do you think it's okay or still amatonormative to have him end in a monogamous qpr?

Hi!

So, first off, I really love that the character eventually gets an apology from his friends. I’m sure lots of us on the aro spectrum will find that very satisfying to read, myself included!

I also think your story has potential to be a really interesting portrayal of an aro piecing together how he’s different to others, as if I’ve understood properly it’s not a lack of feeling but a difference that makes him notice his aromanticism, and that’s another thing I’d love to read because we’re in desperate need of coming out stories and media that examines how aros question seeing as we’re realising a lack rather than a differing attraction. As you’re someone on the arospec who does experience attraction, I imagine pulling from your own experiences will be very useful in this case, though you can of course always ask aromantics to compare and contrast experiences if you need to.

As for making it clear your character is aromantic: I’ve written a post about this topic here, but the tl;dr is that you can just use the word. Explaining what this means for the character in the text is always good, but don’t feel like there’s anything stopping you from hitting your readers over the head with the specifics of what your character is and isn’t. 

It’s difficult to think of specific pitfalls with what you’ve described. That doesn’t mean your writing has no awkward phrasing or dodgy implications, because I haven’t read it, but it seems like you’re covering bases by doing things like actively presenting arophobic characters as wrong and needing to grow. If you’re asexual, I would recommend following a few allosexual aros and maybe asking for further specific advice about writing a gay aro’s experience of a romantic/sexual experience, but that’s about it.

Whether or not it’s amatonormative to have an aro end up in a monogamous qpr is really about the specifics (again) of that situation. It’s far from inherently arophobic, as it’s the reality for lots of aros, but I agree that it’s something to be handled with care.

 The biggest things that stick out for me are that a) the aro character is intended to end up with a previous partner who was arophobic to them in the past, and b) that you describe the two as having mismatched feelings. The first thing here means that you’re going to have to put a lot of work into showing how the alloromantic partner has grown and made it up to the aro, because otherwise as a reader I would struggle to feel convinced that the relationship would be healthy for the aro, and would likely have my romance repulsion triggered.

This isn’t to say it *is* unhealthy to write a relationship like this, just that I’m on high alert for situations that might trigger an aro character’s repulsion, especially as they are the character I’m likely to identify with, and I imagine that’s the same for a lot of romance repulsed people. If you decide you do want to write this relationship, I think you just need to sit down and go over the eventual relationship dynamic you’ve written like it’s a contract, and look for ‘loopholes’ that might lead to a reader not being convinced the aro is safe. And then fix them. 

The second thing just concerns me because you can take ‘mismatched’ to mean they have different or unequal feelings towards their relationship. I think you may just have meant they have different base feelings about each other (romantic/platonic), and if so that’s fine and obviously fairly standard, but if not you may need to tweak a few things to make sure both characters are going into this relationship with the same intentions and ideas about what they want it to be.

Really, what I think you need to do is consider *why* you want the characters to end up together, because reasoning and intent are I think very important aspects of what makes something amatonormative. Does the idea of either character ending the series single make you feel sad or guilty? Do you feel that their relationship is just how your story would be expected to end? Do you not actually know why you want to write it? If yes to any of these, it might be amatonormative. Hopefully you figure out what’s best for you and your story.

Best wishes,

- Mod Kaladin

[arocharacteradvice]

are there any particular bad tropes/stereotypes that should be kept in mind when making a character aro/arospec?

ific Hi! 

I actually answered a virtually identical ask here, if that helps. Feel free to ask more specific questions as needed though.

- Mod Kaladin

[arocharacteradvice]

Aro writer here. My current gen fic has two villain protagonists, and the story is about them being best friends while doing crime. They're both reformed in the end, and their friendship plays a part in their reformation. I’m worried that this uses the arophobic "love or one's ability to love makes people good and not evil" trope (even though it’s not romantic love). I feel stuck. How can I redeem a villain whose arc heavily involves platonic love without being arophobic?

Hi,

I think the main problem with the trope you’ve described, at least in my eyes, is equating a villain caring about one person (often for selfish reasons and without respecting them) with them caring about other people in general and having had development. So, avoiding equating the two, and showing explicit evidence of the latter even if your focus is on the former, is the best way around playing into any kind of arophobia. 

Essentially, the friendship can be what prompts the characters to do nice things, like rescuing each other or offering gestures of affection, but it can’t be where the redemption ends. It should be the gateway into starting to think about other peoples’ feelings and the consequences of each of the villains’ own actions.

I’d also recommend showing how the friendship ends up a respectful one, where both parties respect and make actual sacrifices for each other, even if it starts off with them simply using each other or collaborating on some kind of villainy. It’s important to present the effort they make to be genuinely good to each other, rather than just the fact that they enjoy each other’s company and have ‘feelings’, as the reason they can be considered redeemed.

I’d especially love to see the two characters guiding each other on matters outside their relationship that would aid in their redemption, for instance one persuading the other to do the right thing even if it inconveniences them. This would help present the friendship as the reason they are able to grow as people rather than as evidence that they have grown. 

Good luck!

- Mod Kaladin

[arocharacteradvice]

if youre wondering about having an alloaro character using sex as a weapon of some sort just don't. It's alloarophobic, and has a strong potential to be misogynistic. Risky trope to begin with, flat out a bad idea in the context of aro characters.