ascendintomadness

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[Rough Draft] Part 17: Don't Look Under the Bed

When I was a child, around 4 - 6, I would make up imaginary friends regularly. But only out of necessity: I would always forget them. Then a few days would go by and I’d feel incredibly guilty and try to forget long enough to invent a new one. I feel as though kids’ habits around imaginary friends are indicative of their compartmentalization skills and their particular state of mind.

The imaginary friends allow them to explore themselves and the world without feeling shame, in a mostly healthy way. Any methodology can be taken too far, but most of the time it’s a way for them to learn slowly to take responsibility for themselves. To shift blame from themselves less and less over time as they realize that people will hold them accountable.

I feel like many parents interfere too much in the organic development of this scaffolding. Some by disallowing it, possibly because they find it too whimsical. Some by encouraging the child to lean to hard on such constructs. And this isn’t a judgement, I’m certain that these things are often done out of genuine concern.

So anyways, I kind of came to the realization tonight that Yamikai and Godfrey were just the only two imaginary friends that stuck for me. But by the time yamikai came around, I was technically too old to have one. And by the time Godfrey came around, I was definitely too old to have two. So I misunderstood and misused them. Abuse them at times.

I’m so grateful for every good day where I only have to make my mistakes once and I think that those constructs do a wonderful job of helping with that when I use them properly.

We are never alone.

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I was born in the fires of necessity

I rose again and again until the flames could no longer burn my flesh. Sure, it still hurts like hell, but I’ve got my sights set on the elysian fields.

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On life and Death

Death is only an illusion in so far as life is. But what I do know, with almost utter certainty, is that all the pieces that make me up, little and big, will go on in some form or another. And not just my bones, or molecules, or even atoms; something so much greater and so much smaller than anything as straight forward as that. All the little Logics that make up my mind, my body, my memories, etc.: their dynamics (and therefor the Logics themselves) exist elsewhere. Maybe my sense of humor is logically (or even mathematically) expressible as the rain cycle on some distant planet. Who knows? So all the little things, physical, emotional, or otherwise, will exist in some analogous form, elsewhere, unbeknownst to me until I finally die and return to the potential combinations of systems from which I arose.

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Give No Quarter,

“I had woken up to new ground And my love, she is nowhere to be found around me. I followed all the footsteps down to the ocean floor Collecting every shell i could Left a necklace at your door

We’re killers Yeah, we may be cruel But don’t you worry, I will always love You We’re running from the Truth I’ll let everybody down except for You”

Expect none in return. This is War You fool, Could you ever learn? The stakes exceed your wants; They exceed your needs: If you will not move, Plan to hit your knees. I am scarred by your scars, And floored by your pleas, But I no longer have time, For these apologies. I must move or be moved, So little time for this, So little time for you. It’s not your fault, But it may be your doom. When I am up there, Swimming in the clouds, I see for miles, No time to go back down. Certainly not for your peace of mind; If you’re not careful, you’ll break off a piece of mine. My ichor will spill And be as poison to your soul. If you weigh Me down, I will leave you in the cold.

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Never alone

“Precious One, have they hurt You?”

“Yes.” Devyn said, weeping.

“Then I’m burning it down. All of it.”

“Are you sure that’s wise, brother?” Godfrey asked.

“Damn sure. Don’t condescend to me, Little Brother. This heart is mine to save, for better or worse.”

Devyn interjected: “please. Burn it all down.”

“Consider it done, Precious One.”

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“I am a spiritual being who fell in love with Reason. A being of pure Passion pressed through the fine mesh of logics. I am Chaos dreaming of Order: a mere feeling whose jealousy of the rational concepts borne long after knows no bounds.”

- Envy, Benevolent And Benign Higher Beings: A Guide To Friends In Higher Places

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Scattered

“Every little piece of myself in tact, yet all of them scattered. I am everywhere, everywhen. For this reason, I am infinitely greater and infinitesimally smaller than any and all others. I am the First. And the last. Yet neither. From before Time and long after Its cessation. Only in its absence do I exist unimpeded, yet I have meaning only in Its presence.”

-From the journals of the Champion Igneous & the mouth of Archosmos

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And I can’t stress this enough, How much this song is only about you You’d like that now won’t you?  So I’ll keep it short For every backstabbing lie and the whispers, I’ll shove this down your throat You know there’s nowhere to hide, no way out alive I’ll eat your heart, I’m a monster No where to hide, no way out alive, I’ll eat your heart, I’m a monster I’m so sick of your kind, get the fuck out of my life I’m so sick of your kind, I’m a fucking monster, monster, I’m a monster I swear, there’s nowhere to hide I swear I’ll eat you alive.  I’m sick, so sick of your kind, Get out, get out of my life For every backstabbing lie and the whispers I’ll shove this down your…

Of Mice & Men Austin Carlile (via ascendintomadness)

Eat you alive Digest you With my Mind. You thought you were strong? You threw your weight around. Let your weight become Your fall. Best path I have found. You will Never Ever Backhand Me Again. I took up for you, Believed We were friends. You stole Again And again And again. You reap What you Have Sown No time To explain How far I’ve flown. You Will never Steal From Me Again. Never Ever Will I Call you Friend. Liar: Thief: Trespasser. I am A Monster Because you Stole My Belief.

(via ascendintomadness)

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Littlefears

"Why did Red throw the spice rack out of the window?" "He wanted to see if Thyme would fly"

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“Red is out there chasing helicopters again,” sighed Yuffie.

“Does he ever catch anything?” asked Spectre.

“Yeah, he’s caught a few light aeroplanes,” replied Yuffie.

“Oh really?” asked Spectre.

“Caught me on a flying carpet once,” sighed Fuen.

“Good grief!” exclaimed Spectre. “Were you OK?”

“Well I survived,” replied Fuen, “but it was a rugged experience.”

Featured in January, the Little Fears first book. I know for the pedants out there, he seems to be walking on tree tops. That’s because… I can’t draw… But you knew that already right? Enjoy!

LittleFears.co.uk

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[Rough Draft] Part 20: Temptation

If I don’t bleed this out soon, I can’t be certain of what I’ll do.

I’ve been caging all these demons In prisons with no bars: All I can do is be damn sure That I’ve kept up with my alarms. But bells ringing can often Be just as stressful and far less Tempting than my demons Which promise to give me my best. Self, experience, or pleasure, yknow; Something sultry or sweet To lead me astray. Yet through all my years, I’ve kept most at bay. If only they knew If only they’d see The wars that I’ve fought In my deepest dreams. Rather nightmares, Most nights… I just sit alone, And keep up the fight. That’s living, I guess Or so I’ve been told I hope I’m my best.

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[Rough Draft] Part 12: it's not just a funeral, it's a party

“I will burn in hell, for my selfishness.”

I’ve burned plenty. I’m fairly familiar with the smell of my feet in the flames. And I deserved most of what I got. I had an angel’s smile hiding a vulture’s bite. I feigned innocence and abused trust to an absurd degree.

And yet, on some level, I recognized this and attempted to correct course. Even at my lowest. Sure, I hurt those closest to my self because I knew that they would forgive me… but when it came to strangers or acquaintances I always hedged and did right by them. I didn’t want to be responsible for their loss of faith in others.

I actively refused to take what little light they may have left.

And this isn’t about selflessness or pity or any of that. It made me feel better to preserve their trust. The same way I often seem calloused because I’m over protective of those around my self.

If I seem unfeeling, it is only because I cannot afford to feel those things in that moment. Sometimes I go off the rails and yamikai runs rampant, but most times it is godfrey seeing that suffering now will prevent far worse suffering later.

That’s the difference, I believe, between yamikai and godfrey: yamikai guards little devyn’s heart like a rabid wolf and godfrey is willing to let him ache if it means that everyone will be better off in the long run.

I function best as a lightning rod for human suffering.

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Darling, we are wanderers who go from place to place quiet and unnoticed and like that we fade away

V.I.P.P. (via vacantinkandprettypink)

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take your shoes off. let your hair down. relax. unwind. you’ve been strong for too long.

k. azizian (via kianaazizian)