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[beaten-retrying]

The bite mark that William gave me on my left shoulder area.

May 5th, 2014, the day of the bite. This injury was excruciating. William held me, face down on the floor in our living room, and bit me with as much force as he could. I screamed and nobody heard.

May 6th, 2014, the next day at work. I stayed in a bathroom stall at work for longer than my 15 minute break, crying and panicking about what to do. I was terrified to go home that day.

[beaten-retrying]

His elitist behaviour did not stop at women, it extended to anyone around him. He deemed everyone as lesser than him. Misogyny, homophobia, racism, nothing was out of bounds. You don't just slip up and accidentally type out the entire n-word.

[beaten-retrying]

The Narcissist's Prayer

“That didn’t happen. And if it did, it wasn’t that bad. And if it was, that’s not a big deal. And if it is, that’s not my fault. And if it was, I didn’t mean it. And if I did, you deserved it.”

[beaten-retrying]

Forgiveness

A very common misconception about abuse is that you need to forgive your abuser in order to move on. People say that it clears your mind, it allows you to move forward, it puts the negativity behind you, and frees you from resentment. Often, these people have never suffered from PTSD and can't recognize that it's still happening for victims. Present tense. We relive all of it, over and over again, through flashbacks and nightmares. We are not able to process the past experience as a past experience.

One thing I have learned though, is to forgive myself.

Thinking errors or cognitive distortions are something people with PTSD suffer from. We conclude what others are thinking about us, blow things out of proportion, assign labels to ourselves, and most notably, use "should" statements when reviewing our past.

I used to think about all the things I should have done differently. I should have never given him my number, I should have left him 2 weeks into our relationship when I realized I wasn't attracted to him, I should have left him after he cheated on me the first time, I should have never moved in with him... These didn't feel like obvious opportunities because I didn't know my life was going to be in danger. It's only obvious now.

Your healing is not dependent on forgiving someone who abused you. In fact, that's some toxic positivity bullshit. This is placing responsibility on the victim instead of the abuser themselves. This is gaslighting at its finest. Forgiveness is meant for mistakes.

Instead, we need to focus on forgiving ourselves for what we "should have done differently". That thinking is where our healing either falls apart or succeeds. We need to recognize that we did absolutely everything we could with the information we had at the time. We need to trust that we did the right thing for ourselves with what was available. We also need to recognize that humans do strange things to survive like "putting up with it" or "staying too long". We are alive today because of the decisions we made.

We need to forgive ourselves for any shame we may feel by being a victim. We are not in the wrong. We did not deserve it. We did not make a stupid decision to be with an abuser. We are not broken because of it. We are not responsible.

Forgiveness is a gift that is ours to give and giving it to ourselves instead of our abuser is still forgiveness. For some, forgiving your abuser gives them a free pass which does not hold them responsible and feels like we're enabling them to keep abusing others. That is how I feel and this is a valid feeling.

Instead, I have freed myself with my forgiveness. A weight has been lifted from me and I am at peace with what I've done to survive. I am comfortable in being a survivor of domestic violence. I know this does not reflect poorly on me. I never deserved what he did, I am not the monster. It's understandable to have PTSD after years of trauma, I am not broken. I did everything I could with what I had available. I'm doing wonderfully, despite my challenges with mental health due to this.

No William, I'll never forgive you. I want you to live with that. You don't get closure.

[beaten-retrying]

Victoria

I used to worry about her. I learned about her when William told me he was seeing someone, in response to me threatening to go to the police about his abuse. He brought her up in our conversation in order to hurt me and play the victim by saying how he was worried I'd sabotage his relationship. Completely turning it around on me to avoid the fact that he's a woman abuser.

We had no friends in common. In fact, he was very good at ensuring I had no friends at all. It was impossible for me to know about his life other than what he told me, so he used her as a tool to get me to look like the bad guy and to guilt me. He was not keeping tabs on me because of something I could never know, he was keeping tabs on me because he is an abusive man. He then shared other lies like a Master's program and a better relationship with his family that was remarkably never there before me or in the 5 years we knew each other.

The number 1 reason why I went to the police about the abuse is because I was terrified he was going to do it to someone else. According to my PTSD therapist, this is incredibly common because people with PTSD still believe they deserved it and have a hard time being compassionate to themselves. Instead, we find other motives like protecting others. I couldn't live with myself if he killed her and I did nothing to stop it.

I wrote my Victim Impact Statement with her in mind. I peppered some red flag behaviour in describing the abuse that I knew he was still doing. I saw him do this behaviour when he was cheating on me with strangers, so there was no doubt in my mind he'd do it with someone he was in a new relationship with. My statement was not just about the impact on me, but as a warning to her.

I shared:

Rape on the first date - he is very sexually forward despite no consent. She knows this by now.

Cutting out my friends and pushing me away from my family - to share that this is something to watch out for.

Working together, going to school together, living together - always being accounted for, no room to breathe.

Cheating - which he has undoubtedly done since meeting her.

Refusing to talk about our relationship problems to fix them and move forward - his common phrase was "the men in my family don't talk about emotions", which is a very scary statement. Talking about relationship problems is logical and required to succeed.

STDs - because I have no doubt he told her that I gave that to him. I did not. I'm willing to share my medical records.

Being angry at night, constantly blocking me, and texting back in the morning because he was horny - a very common abuse tactic he performed. Very frequently. Forceful sexting because he'd go to the point below if I didn't play along.

Being accused of “ruining his day” - another common one when I didn't do exactly like his impossibly high standards wanted.

He told his friend Charlie that I hit him, to play the victim and lie to get sympathy - I had hoped this one would make the biggest statement because I know he was doing it now with her. There was no way in any possible situation was he telling the full truth about what he did to me.

Sharing my nudes - self explanatory. Many women have had this fear and it came true for me while actively dating.

Bringing up Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn - he once used this book/movie as an example for why I "might not actually be crazy" after calling me crazy for years for being upset that he never wanted to fix things, but only complain.

The “Why do you want me to live in constant fear?” mention - another comment on his manipulation and telling people he was the victim.

Commenting that "I recorded everything, I took photos of everything, I wrote down everything that he did to me." because there is little doubt in my mind that he told her I made it all up. He used gaslighting very frequently.

After my statement was completed, William was allowed to speak to me directly for the last time. I clearly recall him saying, "Everything that Ms. [redacted] said is true. I am remorseful for my actions...." and I stopped listening because he has never said he is sorry and he clearly wasn't going to today. He already pled guilty so there was no reason not to but he didn't do it because he knew it was what I wanted and needed to hear, and we've established that he's abusive.

My sister who was sitting at the back of the room with my family shared that Victoria covered her mouth in shock at one point. I had hoped so hard that this would get her to realize he's not who he says he is. I hoped this was the moment she knew she couldn't be safe with him. This is as good as it gets for trying to help someone who might also be abused.

After she broke the terms of his condition by contacting me online a few months after his conviction, my worry actually increased. Was she reaching out indirectly by liking and unliking my content? Is something wrong? Was this actually William harassing me with her account? Is he policing her social media like he did with me? I didn't know and I was worried for her. Sometimes I feared that she wanted him to get arrested because she knew this was against his conditions. When she finally deleted her Instagram account completely, I knew it was because he forced her to. He forced me to delete all my social media as well. I told the police "I just want to be left alone" when they looked into it, instead of going to court when they offered that option. I wish I fought it and he got more consequences.

But... as time has gone by... she never left. She continues to stand by him. She... doesn't care. Why am I worried about a woman who doesn't care and continues to stand beside a convicted woman abuser? Literally, she was there in court, she saw me speak about the atrocities I endured while right next to him, holding his hand. I really doubt at this point that she is in an abusive relationship with him. It's possible she could be convinced that I deserved it all, or maybe she is able to live without compassion for others.

I should not worry about someone who doesn't even acknowledge me. I don't worry about her anymore. A weight has been lifted from me and I feel like I did my duty to all future victims.

I've attached the receipts from our final conversation. He is manipulative, playing the victim, completely ignoring how I feel, emotionally abusive, and lying. Do not be fooled by the seemingly nice comments, just a few weeks prior he said "I'm going to have to take drastic measures to take care of it myself that I don't want to" because I wasn't getting his name off our lease fast enough (his responsibility) because I was terrified and non-functional after I left him.

It's a game to him. He doesn't deserve to have his number blurred out, but I did it anyway.

[beaten-retrying]

Second Police Report

The following is saved on my computer, which was used as a guide to hand write my statement to the police in 2018 after his conviction. There may be grammatical changes or additional information provided in the police copy, but this is my official statement:

This is a follow up to Case 16-36126, where William Evans-Bourgeault has pled guilty to 8 counts of assault against me. He is to refrain from communicating with me in any way, either directly or indirectly, by any physical, electronic, or other means.

I believe William and his partner have been trying to contact me, and are harassing me through Instagram.

In February and April of 2018, a woman liked some of my pictures on Instagram and when I clicked the notification on my phone, there was no like on the image it brought me to. This is consistent with liking and then unliking an image. A like sends a notification to your phone and when you unlike something, that notification does not go away.

The images that were liked were from several years ago, which is unusual. The only way to find very old images is to scroll through someone’s Instagram profile. I felt uncomfortable and creeped out with this, as someone I did not know was going through my feed and liking old content. I monitored my phone notifications closely as I had started to recognize the name.

The next time it happened, on April 18th she liked and unliked a picture once more, and I took a screenshot of the notification. She liked a pictured of me from 2015. Searching her username lead me to her profile. Her profile is private and her face is covered in her image, so I was unsure who this was. I became paranoid as this felt like deliberate actions to harass me and make me feel uneasy.

Around March 2018, I disabled phone notifications for likes so I would not see her name. This did not stop my paranoia, and I would regularly check her Instagram account from a web browser because these actions made me feel unsafe. It felt like someone was taunting me.

The same woman visited my second Instagram account that I use to post pictures of my cat, and I saw that she viewed my Instagram story posted on April 21st. There is no link from my main account to my cat’s account. I tried following her from my cat’s account to hopefully reveal who this is, and I was blocked immediately. I was then blocked on all my Instagram accounts.

Two weeks ago, I went back to her profile on a web browser and I saw that her image had changed. I now recognize her as the woman who was in court with William (who his lawyer described as his partner). I do not know her name, but I do recognize her face from that day. I traced this “Victoria M” username back to a Facebook account, and her name is Victoria [redacted].

She has my main Facebook account blocked. I confirmed this as my work test Facebook account can still see her profile. I did not know her name before this event, so how does she know me to block me? This is a stranger to me and our only tie is William.

I have been feeling unsafe, creeped out, and extremely uncomfortable since this person has been liking my images. I do not know if it is Victoria or William using her profile, but it has been making me feel very overwhelmed. I have been regularly checking out her account to see if she changes and this is giving me severe anxiety.

On Tuesday, September 11th, I called William’s probation officer Carey [redacted] (spelling may be incorrect) explaining that I felt unsafe and that I believe he has been harassing me on Instagram. She told me to contact the police and provided me the number for the non-emergency line as she is unable to investigate these online claims.

On Friday, September 14th, I noticed that Victoria’s Instagram account has been either deactivated or she has changed her username. As well, William’s Facebook page has been deactivated.

I have included a USB with screenshots, and URLs to all of the relevant profiles and posts.

[redacted urls]

[beaten-retrying]

First Police Report

The following is saved on my computer, which was used as a guide to hand write my statement to the police in 2016. There may be grammatical changes or additional information provided in the police copy, but this is my official statement:

William and I met online in February of 2011. We exchanged phone numbers and met in person for the first time at Tunney’s Pasture bus station on March 5th, 2011 where we had our first date at Won Ton House on Wellington St. We became a couple on March 7th, 2011. On December 1st 2013, we moved in together at [redacted] Apt. 102. He moved out of our apartment on August 9th, 2015 due to me breaking up with him on June 27th, 2015. Throughout March 2014 to August 2014 he had physically assaulted me on multiple occasions in out apartment on [redacted]. We dated for 4.5 years.

The majority of the abuse surrounded his acts of infidelity. On January 15th of 2014, he had left his computer unlocked and I found that he had been cheating on me with multiple women, and had done so throughout 2013, and throughout our relationship. I took photos on my phone of his conversations on Skype with the women and confronted him with the information. Since then, he had become violent with me. He never showed any remorse, and I wanted to know why he done these things to me. He blamed me for his cheating, stating that I made him do it. 

March 9th, 2014 at 3:00AM. William started a verbal argument with me. He started by telling me I was not desirable, that the thought of being intimate with me repulses him, and that nobody in my life liked me. It resulted in him starting a bath for me, giving me an Advil with a paper cup full of water (his reasoning is that my veins would be more pronounced), and a razor blade. He pushed me into the bathtub and told me to kill myself. I proceeded to harm myself for him. He stopped me, and I confronted him afterwards, phone hidden, recording our conversation. 

March 20th 2014 at 10:30PM. He started acting violent with me. I hid underneath our bed with my phone, recording the altercation. He dragged me out from underneath the bed against my wishes. He threatened to pull me out by my hair and “rip it all out of my head”. He started to hit my head and my face with his fists. I began to cry and he pulled me out from under the bed by my leg, then pulled my hair back threatening me, he then began strangling me. He saw that my phone was with me and grabbed my phone, stopping the video. He began to punch and kick my spine, grabbing my face and throwing my head against the bedroom door, breaking it and leaving an indention of the doorknob on the wall. 

At 11:47PM. My webcam is running as I go to see William in our bedroom. I take his phone and walk back into the living room and place his phone on my desk. I have a video of him pulling my hair backwards and me falling to the ground. He then proceeds to stomp on me and kick me in the spine with his feet. I have photos of my neck, spine, wrist, and arm injuries. As well as hair that fell out of my head when he pulled it. 

March 29th, 2014 at 3:00AM. He pulled my hair back and hit me in the face with his fists. I had multiple head injuries, in a video I state I have three “goose eggs” on my head. I was thrown to the ground in our living room and I was kicked in the ribs multiple times. I began to have a panic attack, needing my asthma puffer to be able to breathe. I received a bloody nose from him hitting me in the face. I have photos of my face injuries as well as the hair he pulled out.

April 9th, 2014 at 1AM. He confronted me about the broken door, blaming me for breaking it. It broke on March 20th when he slammed my head against it. When I told him he broke the door he asks, “do you want to fucking go again?” I have this recorded. It cuts out with me screaming. He then hits me with his fists, he strangles me in attempt to make me pass out, and he bent my glasses in the process. I start recording again, confronting him about the abuse I have received over the last few months. He states that, “I have never hit a single woman in my entire life before you”.

May 5th, 2014 at 3:20PM. He bites me forcefully. I have my screams and him biting me recorded on camera. A short while later, I start recording the altercation again. This video starts off with him throwing my glasses and him stating “oh my god, you’re bleeding, you’re bleeding.” I tell him that, “of course I’m bleeding, you keep hitting me”. He asks me, “do you deserve that or not”, and I shake my head and say “no”. He then proceeds to hit me multiple times in the spine with his fist. He yells, “do you deserve that or not?” and I scream “no” and he proceeds to choke me against our leather couch. He calls me names, spits of me, chokes me, and slaps me in the face. He states “you’re lucky I don’t kill you”. He kicks me repetitively in the spine while I am on the ground. I have photos of my injuries. They include two black eyes, a large bruise on my forehead, a red neck, a red chest, bruises across my left cheekbone, bruises on my left ear, bruising and redness on my spine, red marks on my arm, and bruising and blood in my mouth.

May 13th, 2014 at 12:00PM. I confronted William on video about speaking to his mother about moving out of our apartment. I unplugged out wi-fi modem because he was not paying attention to me and I wanted to speak. He throws me to the ground. Off camera, I walk back to him and he proceeded to hit me in the jaw multiple times. I have photos of these injuries.

June 10th, 2014 at 12:00AM. William proceeded to hit me multiple times in the face with his fists. I receive a bloody nose, bruising on the left side of my nose, kick makes on my leg, and bruising down the left side of my jaw to my neck.

July 19th, 2014 at 10:24PM. After an argument about William leaving our lease, he decides to bite my back as hard as he can. I have this argument recorded for my records as we were discussing what we were doing with our possessions as well as what to do with our lease once he moves out. I have photos of the bite mark on my left shoulder blade. 

August 23rd, 2014, at night. William confronted me in the kitchen of our apartment and held a knife to my throat, threatening to kill me. 

[beaten-retrying]

First Time

I met William on Tumblr in April 2011. I tagged some posts about school and life with our city's name. He found me through that tag, struck up a conversation in my DMs, and gave me his number. I was hesitant at first because while he was funny, I didn't know him and I was not attracted to him. I'm not trying to be rude, I am only being honest about a very important aspect of the relationship.

Throughout that month, I was very blunt about the fact that I have never been on a date, never kissed, and never even held hands with a man. I was 18, almost 19, and a little slower than my friend group when it came to dating. I really wanted to wait until I found someone special to me because I was a very shy person. I had no intention of dating.

During our texting, he did try to get sexual with me a few times, but I kept that mostly at bay. He forced me to sext with him on a few occasions, saying he was "close" and to "say something dirty". I was very clear with William during that month that I absolutely wanted to wait for anything sexual. He promised me that when the time comes, and when I was completely ready, and if he was the one, he would make it a safe and loving experience for me. I wholeheartedly believed him. There was no reason to lie to me.

In mid-March when we met in person, I wrote a note and kept it in my room stating where I was and if I don't come back home, I'm with this guy and here's his number. I have no idea what compelled me to do this, but I don't think I felt completely safe. When we met in person for dinner, the attraction did not come, I felt no connection, and it was terribly awkward. I could not relax around him. I used to blame my shyness for this, but I've come to learn that this uneasiness was a glaring sign to get away from him. However, I can't change the past and I knew I did the best I could with what I knew at the time.

It was a very rainy day and he invited me over to his house to warm up after dinner. Every part of me screamed no, but I said yes because I did not want to be rude and I did not want him to think I was a bitch. My socks were completely soaked, so maybe I could call my dad for a ride home while they dried off. We couldn't stay at the restaurant anyway.

When we got there, we sat on the couch in his living room. As we sat in uncomfortable silence, he turned my head to kiss me and I was so shocked that I pulled away. He asked if I wanted to kiss and I said "no, I'm not ready" - so he started to kiss my neck instead. I was in angry shock but I smiled so I wouldn't hurt his feelings. He eventually moved back to my mouth and I reluctantly kissed him back. I still didn't feel ready to kiss him but I did not want to be rude. I always had a hard time telling people no. He opened and closed his mouth at strange intervals like it was breathing through his mouth. It was not a good first kiss.

He started to move his hands around my body and I asked him not to. I didn't want to be touched. I was getting too warm and I felt uncomfortable. I remember asking if we could maybe take a break - because I found it hard to say a direct no. He put his hands back on my body and I felt helpless because he did not listen to me saying no, again. He moved his hands down my pants and I screamed "NO" at him and tried to move away. He only stopped for a moment. He kept kissing me and eventually put his hands back down my pants. So I stopped trying to say no, I stopped trying to say anything, as he was not going to listen to me no matter what I did.

He was over a foot taller than me and at least 80lbs heavier. I felt so small. I felt like I'd get hurt if I tried to fight him. He asked if I wanted to do this and I mumbled "yeah" because there was no fucking point. It would have happened regardless and he only asked to make himself feel better about what he was doing to me. I gave into the helplessness and let him do what he needed to do. I felt lifeless, miles away. I can't tell how long it lasted but I felt pain, fear, and detached from myself the whole time. He did nothing for my pleasure, it was all for him, he just went in right away. I just wanted it to end. I pretended to like it and smile at him so that he would not hurt me. The thought of this now makes me sick but I was afraid of what he would do if I fought.

When we were done, I tried to be positive and kind as I was horrified of what he would do if I was anything else. I was angry at myself for letting this happen - which I now realize is not something I could have ever controlled. He walked me to the bus stop, holding my hand as we zig-zagged through the puddles outside. He seemed like he felt he didn't do anything wrong, or maybe he was pretending it was okay so I wouldn't realize it wasn't. When I got on the bus, I cried all the way home. I could not comprehend what just happened to me.

For years, he would use this as ammo in his emotional abuse because he knew I was insecure and upset about this event. He called me a whore for sleeping with someone on the first date -completely oblivious to the fact that he was there too. Abuse isn't built on reality - abusers twist your insecurities until you believe you're worthless. I pretended it was funny because if I didn't, the insults about it would get worse. I had tried talking to him about how I never wanted that. It was very serious to me and I informed him that this was not what we agreed upon for my first experience. But he would always tell me things like "well, why did you let it happen then?"

In 2021, in a therapy session for PTSD, I learned that I was raped. This was rape. As I told my therapist about our first date, she told me this was nonconsensual. There was clear boundaries set beforehand about not wanting to have sex until I was ready. I was clear during the event that I did not want to be touched. And I was still clear after when I tried talking to him about how that was not what we discussed. At no point was it wanted. I was in a place where there was no getting out. I was trapped and I played submissive in order to survive. Sometimes we do strange things to get out alive.

This was only day 1.

[beaten-retrying]

Don't worry, this is makeup. But every injury that you see was real at one point, and these are not even half of them.

I am a survivor of domestic violence. The kind of abuse that I endured thrives on silence, and I refuse to be silent for any longer. On Monday, we concluded our two year journey with the court and my abuser pled guilty to eight counts of assault.

My abuser's name is William. We were in a relationship for four and a half years. He was someone who was supposed to make me feel loved and safe. Instead, he used that vulnerability against me and he destroyed me as a person.

This necklace, the matching blue earrings and a ring were given to me to keep me quiet. Even in court where he had the opportunity to speak to me for the last time, he still could not give me the apology that I have been waiting for.

But I am finally free. I will never regret what I went through with him because it made me stronger, it made me closer with my family, and it led me towards meeting the man that I want to spend my life with. I will never let him bring me down again.

[beaten-retrying]

Remake! I took the original photo version of this in 2010 to bring awareness to "Violence Against Women". At the time, I did not know that this would directly impact me in 2011 when I met my abuser, William.

A few weeks ago, William's mother sent me a friend request on Facebook, so I decided to remake this photo. There's no escaping this, even years into my healing. I'm reminded of it constantly. From his mother Pauline trying to add me on Facebook, to his partner Victoria liking my photos on Instagram. I have a life sentence of being a domestic abuse survivor. Antagonized. Intimidated.

The abuse didn't start with violence. For years, William broke me down & made me dependent on him. He made me cut off my friends, ruined my relationship with my family, got me a job at his workplace so I'd be near him, changed schools so we'd share the same campus. So we moved in together in late 2013 after I had nothing left. It only took until early 2014 for him to start beating me.

This is the reality. Abuse is a slow burn & then it's a horrific explosion. Rinse, repeat. He made me believe that I deserved everything & that I was crazy for not seeing that. Years later, after re-learning how to be a functioning person, I'll never be 100% okay again. Especially not with his loved ones doing this to me. But I've accepted this because I'm not the one who should be ashamed.

If my vulnerability brings awareness to this horrific issue, it will be worth it. Survivors are dealing with indescribable pain. I may seem strong, then I get a friend request on Facebook & I'm suddenly 22, hiding under the bed, while William drags me out to choke me. How can we accept that people do this to their loved ones? How can we accept that his loved ones are still trying to terrorize me?

Stop the violence. Be kind to each other. Normalize knowing the red flags of abuse. Support each other, even from afar. Call out assholes. Check in on your loved ones. Partner violence rates have increased because of the pandemic. We need to talk about this more. Survivors should not be embarrassed. People like William and his loved ones should be.

[beaten-retrying]

Victim Impact Statement

The sort of abuse that I endured while being involved with William thrives on silence. When given the opportunity to speak out about the impact this has had on my life, I was on board immediately. A lot of the points I will mention are embarrassing, sad, and will make people question why I endured this. Instead of judging me, please take a look at the individual who put me in this situation. I refuse to be silent about him for any longer.

The abuse did not start with the violence. Long before he started to hit me, he was abusing me. He slowly turned up the emotional toxicity in our relationship until I had nowhere to go and he could get away with physically hurting me. His emotional abuse and manipulation was so severe that I honestly felt like I deserved to be beaten. I never thought something like this could happen to me. I was 18 years old when we met and I hadn't even held hands with man, let alone been in a relationship with one. I had no real point of reference for what a healthy relationship looked like. I was not prepared for what was to come, and I feel like that was his exact intention. I was an easy target with very low self-esteem and naivety.

On our very first date he coaxed me into doing physical things that I did not want to do. I felt like I had to make something out of our now physical relationship, and so I stuck around due to the guilt. This is where the control started. I felt trapped with him. Moving forward in the relationship, any friends that I had outside of him, he made me drop. He pointed out things about my family that he didn't not like, and he made me distance myself from them. He helped me get a job at his workplace, but would not let me speak to the other workers or have friends. He then transferred to my university and took classes with me. He had me completely isolated, under his watch.

During the time that he was physically abusing me, I had just moved in with him with a one year lease. I was in my final year of university, and I was working part time at a Walmart to pay the bills. There was no way I could have gotten away without impacting my life in a negative way. I did not have anywhere else to live, I could not drop out in my final year of school, and I had no money from my job to be able to afford another home or a hotel room to stay. It was the ideal environment for his abuse to thrive.

When he had started getting involved with other women, he called me crazy for being upset. He could not understand how this could hurt me. He did not care that this hurt me. He refused to talk about it with me and instead, lashed out at me verbally and then physically. He brought sexually transmitted diseases to our relationship from these women, and put my health at risk. When I brought any of this up, he blocked me on all social media, blocked my number, and then texted me the next day because he was horny. I was an object to him. I was something he was playing with. If anything was wrong, I was accused of nagging him, not letting something go, or “ruining his day”.

He used to tell his friends how horrible I was to him. One day, I defended myself against one of his physical attacks and he reached out to his friend on Facebook Messenger and told him I hit him. His friend was appalled that I would do such a thing. William did not care about the impact he made on me, he cared about how he looked in other people’s eyes. He twisted everything to be my fault, which isolated me even more from the people who could help me. He even shared my private nude photos at a party without my consent, to “show me off”. He could not see what he was doing to me, or he chose to ignore it. My feelings certainly did not matter.

Despite everything, I did not want to lose him. I had nobody else in my life. I tried to be the ideal girlfriend to him. Like the quote from the book Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn, “Cool Girls never get angry; they only smile in a chagrined, loving manner and let their men do whatever they want. Go ahead, shit on me, I don’t mind, I’m the Cool Girl.” It had gotten so bad that when he told me that the thought of being physically intimate with me disgusted him, my immediate thought was, “how I could improve myself?”. I would do anything for his admiration, as he made me believe that nobody else could tolerate someone like me. Over the year that he was hurting me, I grew as a person and I became stronger. I graduated university that June and I got my first full-time office job that October. I made new friends, I started to stand up for myself, and coincidentally this is when he stopped hitting me. It was almost like it was not fun anymore when I had a backbone and I could stand up for myself. I told a coworker about what I had endured and he told me that I needed to get out as soon as possible. This is the first time I recognized that what I was going through was wrong, and I am very happy that I listened.

When I eventually left William, I remember crying to my new boyfriend, saying that I had lost my best friend and how hard it was on me to deal with that loss. This is how deep his claws dug in. I was upset that the man who used to beat me senseless was not in my life anymore. It truly felt like Stockholm Syndrome. In order to survive and cope, I convinced myself that there was some good in my life and in my relationship with William, although there absolutely was not. I made good memories in my head so that the bad parts did not seem so horrible.

When I told William I was going to the police regarding the abuse, the first thing he said to me was, “Why do you want me to live in constant fear?” This kind of response is not from a man who has remorse for his actions. He could not recognize that I was living in constant fear myself. What about the fear I had every day when I came home from work or school and I was worried he would hit me? What about the fear I felt when he was kicking my spine or repeatedly punching my face? How could someone be so selfish?

He then told me about all of the great things currently happening in his life and how I will ruin that for him. This is not a man who cares about the consequences of his actions. He fully intended to walk away like it never happened, and to carry on with his life because he beat me into silence. My friends and family have pointed out to me that it is very unlike me to not stand my ground and fight back. Well, this is me fighting back. Instead of hitting him and stooping to his level, I recorded everything, I took photos of everything, I wrote down everything that he did to me.

The point of my statement is to tell the story of his abuse, and his lack of empathy. William did more than hit me, he broke me down completely as a person. This is not a man who messed up once or twice. This is not a man who was under the influence. This is a man who knew exactly what he was doing, and he did it again and again without remorse. I remember telling him while he was beating me that I would rather that he hit me than put me through any more emotional abuse. This statement is still true to this day. He may be charged for assault, but there is a lot more to this than the physical abuse.

I hope he gets the help he needs.

[beaten-retrying]

D.A.R.V.O.

This is a common defense tactic with sexual assault and domestic violence called "deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender".

The strategy turns the tables on the alleged victim, shifting the conversation away from "did the accused commit abuse" to "is the alleged victim believable".

William did this by:

Telling his friends on Facebook Messenger that I hit him, when he was frequently hitting me.

Telling work colleagues that I cheated on him, when it was very clear between us that we were just roommates. I was talking to someone who helped me leave William.

Partaking in self-harming behaviour after he was arrested to gain sympathy from those around him in order to make it look like I was the monster.

Telling me lies about his recent accomplishments when I told him I was going to the police, in order to try to guilt me for rightfully going to the police.

Threatening to tell my new romantic interest about our conversations post-breakup, where I was only being friend to William in order to avoid being murdered.

Using the excuse of "I don't remember anything" when he was arrested for 8 counts of assault, uttering threats, and assault with a weapon because that made him look like a victim.

Justifying his abuse by saying I made him do it or that I deserved it.

And these are just the ones I know about.

[beaten-retrying]

Common signs of abusive behavior in a partner include:

Telling you that you never do anything right.

Showing extreme jealousy of your friends or time spent away from them.

Preventing or discouraging you from spending time with friends, family members, or peers.

Insulting, demeaning, or shaming you, especially in front of other people.

Preventing you from making your own decisions, including about working or attending school.

Controlling finances in the household without discussion, including taking your money or refusing to provide money for necessary expenses.

Pressuring you to have sex or perform sexual acts you’re not comfortable with.

Pressuring you to use drugs or alcohol.

Intimidating you through threatening looks or actions.

Insulting your parenting or threatening to harm or take away your children or pets.

Intimidating you with weapons like guns, knives, bats, or mace.

Destroying your belongings or your home.

Even one or two of these behaviors in a relationship is a red flag that abuse may be present. Remember: no one deserves to experience abuse of any kind—for any reason. Source.