bilitiesarendless-blog

[bilitiesarendless-blog]

Her eyes opened and she found herself sat outside of her cousin’s apartment. Gripping her father’s phone as she watched the texts continue to pour in. A cigarette clutched between her index and middle finger and pain pulsing through her veins she could only hear her father’s frustrated and angry voice running through her head. And no matter how hard she tried to tune it out, it only got louder. Angrier. Louder than he originally sounded and it was burning her flesh, causing her to feel this deepest sense of pain she never felt before. Regret. disappointment. She wasn’t the perfect child, that was abundantly clear.

The scars that lined the front and back of her arm, the scars that lined her legs, stomach, sides... All the scars, all the self inflicted injuries from a girl screaming out for help were enough to make her nothing more than a useless disgrace. To prove that she was doing something wrong, and she wasn’t the perfect daughter she was meant to be. Lux was a broken, terrible human being who had nothing going for her. She dropped out of high school because the anxiety fueled her depression, making it harder and harder to even get out of the bed let alone face other humans who did nothing but burn her.

Burn her with glances, burn her with secrets. Burn her with lies, lies, lies. No one cared for her, after all, it was the end of the year... She could remember her mother’s voice when she begged her to let her drop out. How defeated, and frustrated she sounded. How disappointed. Another night of binge marking couldn’t even suppress the pain of that burn. But she got what she always wanted, never truly seeing herself finish high school, getting that degree... She thought she was meant to die at seventeen, and here she was at twenty living on what felt like borrowed time.

Plenty of attempts lined up in her past she felt there was something stronger forcing her to live this life of letdown after letdown. That she was meant to be there, despite her desperate desire to be gone. It was so unapparent and it left Lux to question what it was God was really about. She could remember her mother telling her about God, and how he loved you as long as you believed in him. That he puts you on a path with plenty of choices, and it’s your job to make them. But what if he sits you in front of a life of isolation and bliss, or a life of socialization and pain? She wanted nothing more than to be normal. To stop scaring her parents with her isolation... But it seemed to be there was only so much she could do.

She could remember the night she attempted. How she scammed the pills of F, and stole at least twenty of her mother’s anti-anxiety pills. 

It was a cold winter night, and Lux had been sitting in the car with F taking an uncomfortable ride to her house. “D’you think Kenzie is gonna be okay.” Lux piped up, turning her gaze to F who was very focused on the road ahead. “Yeah, you know how she can get sometimes. She wouldn’t kill herself, though. I think her mom was just being over-dramatic. You know how those korean parents can get. You wanna threaten suicide? Then I’mma take you somewhere you can’t fucking do that.” F mocked, nailing Kenzie’s mother to a T. But still, Lux’s anxiety burned through her veins and the pain of all her heartbreak made it worse. “D’you think they’re gonna keep her there? You know, for a while? I mean... I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’m definitely not gonna sleep.” “You want some of my meds? I got plenty from my hospital trip. I haven’t taken any. Here, lets go to my place I’ll give you two. But heads up, it makes this weird... Tingling sense, like ants crawling up your body. I like it, but just a heads up.” F smiled, and Lux flashed a meek one back. “Yeah, that’d be awesome.”

Sitting infront of her computer she looked at the screen and studied the feed. Thousands of people, writing together. Bouncing off ideas and showcasing their strong friendships to the public. Their strong selfesteem. Their strength in general. Something that Lux just didn’t feel like she had anymore. Sat in her small, winecellar of a room her lips pursed to the side. Not even three days prior did she lose two dogs to a train accident, and now she nearly lost her best friend? Lux wasn’t sure how to hold on. So in a shaky hand she typed one final post for her few friends online. A message explaining that if she didn’t get online to delete the post, then she was in fact dead, and she wanted the others to know she was finally at peace. All the while taking pill, after pill with a gag and choke. Her body knowing what it was doing, rejecting the idea of death despite it being the one single thing her, and her heart desired.

What did she have to live for? She was a waste of space, something she had been told enough in her life. Being told to take the Christmas lights and wrap them around her neck and dangle there beside the tree-- The perfect present for the family. Being told that her parents thought she was fucking insane, and a complete defect. That she was doing everyone a favor by just ending it all, because after all, what was she going to do? These words were burned into her skin, deeper and grosser than any self inflicted scar. The burns reopening on her heart every time she went to lay her head on the pillow. 

Nineteen... Twenty. She counted before turning her gaze to the two solid horsepills F had slid her earlier. Lips pusing once more as her stomach turned. The anti-anxiety pills already settling in and digesting into her system as she looked at them. This’ll do it. She thought, We have to do this, this is all you’ve ever wanted. A strange voice whispered into her ear. The demons, her demons, growing large from mere shadows into actual functioning creatures had taunted her in her waking life. Constantly telling her to do it. Reminding her daily of the inconvenience she is to so many people. 

twenty one, twenty two. sleep. Sound, and like a baby Lux finally fell asleep to the soft lull of her television and the medication breaking down in her body. A sleep so hard, she wasn’t sure she’d wake up and all she saw was darkness. There was no light, no welcome home. Now warmth surrounding her, just her bed, her blanket, and this strange sense of tingling beginning in her toes. It wasn’t until she heard the ringtone she set specifically for Kenzie did Lux realize it was beginning to work. Did she realize she was in fact... Going to die. And lazily she picked up the phone, looking at the message she sent and feeling regret for everything she had attempted.

I’m coming home! Haha, no hospital can keep me locked away!

A loud gasp left her, as now being awake she could feel her body begin to shut down. Lux could feel the pins and needles creep further and further up her body. Her world becoming a blur, her entire body vibrating and pulsing. She was tripping, tripping balls and she knew her death was near. Her will to die was outweighed by her body’s will to live, or possibly something else as she pushed herself off that shitty little twin mattress and sloppily climbed the steps. “Tony--” She weazed. “Tony I have to go to the hospital.” Lux pleaded as her gaze flashed around the room.

She didn’t realize the night she decided to kill herself, was also the night her brother decided to have his girlfriend, and her two friends visiting. Her anxiety only strengthened as the man rushed toward her. “What? What’s wrong with you?”

“I-- Took some pills. I’m, I want to kill myself. I tried to kill myself.” 

The world around her began to spin and Lux wasn’t even sure what was up. Where up was, and how to reach that point. Her stomach flipping and brows knitting together in frustration she tried to fixate on any point but, there were no points. “M’gonna puke.” She whispered, Tony’s girlfriend wrapping her arm around Lux’s waist and bringing her out to the porch, she could hear her brother rush up the steps to their parents room. 

Lux’s memory begins to give at this point, the next thing she sees is a little somewhat dissolved pill on her black sweater, bubbling due to her siliva. “Bad pill, you’re making me feel like this. But I got you.” Lux whispered to the pill, not realizing Michelle had been standing there the whole time just watching her. 

Next thing she remembered was sitting in the kitchen, a strong pain pulsing in her arm where her father had shoved her. His voice booming as he questioned what she took, how much she took.

“Mom’s anti-anxiety pills... Like, twenty but I threw a bunch up outside so that’s good right?” She tried, the medication obviously putting her in a trance where nothing had any real meaning.

The man only grew angrier as Tony wrapped his arm around her, and carried her to the car. Lux could remember how strong the nausea was. How desperate her body was to puke and the car swerving between cars. Michelle speeding at the sound of light and Tony threatening her to slow down and be careful, instructing Lux to puke out the window while she looked through her phone for something-- What? Lux wasn’t sure.

“What’s your pass-code. Kenzie keeps blowing you up. Do you want me to text back?” “1-0-2-4, tell her i’m okay. Oh, and text F too. I’m okay.” “Yeah I’m gonna tell them something alright.”

She’s sitting in the waiting room, eyeballing the man who was taking her in. His attitude cold and frustrated as a doped up, vomiting Lux sat across from him.

“You know, you’re kind of a dick.” Lux murmured. “I tried to kill myself and you’re gonna give me an attitude right now? What if I DIE.” She cursed to the man who simply rolled his eyes. It was obvious now, that Lux wasn’t going to die. After all, they weren’t rushing her to any sort of room.

She opens her eyes and she’s laying on a bed, dressed in a cloth gown and an IV in her arm. The high of the anti-anxiety pills now settling in much stronger as she felt, well, on top of the world. She felt euphoric laying there in that dimly lit room. But over anything else, she felt tired. She could remember the sound of doctors walking around her room, and a feeling of someone holding her arm with an icy hand. But that’s about all before she’s awoken by a nurse and instructed to get up.

Lux complies with the other’s orders, a meek smile on her features as she stood and shivered from the room’s icy floor. 

“I gotta tell you, doc. You’ve got some awesome stuff here. I mean, have you felt this gown. It’s actual cloth. It’s not paper like the usual doctor. I’m proud.” She whispered, though, she had no idea. She had never worn a gown in a hospital but she assumed they were all paper, because that’s what her doped up mind imagined. A soft laugh left the other’s lips as she nodded in response. “Yes, we’re very high-tec. But okay. Alexandria we’re--” “It’s just Lux, please.” “Alright, Lux-- We’re going to take you to the hospital’s ICU. They want to just watch you for a day or so.” “Okay... What time is it?” Lux questioned, a wide smile pressed on her features as the EMT wheeled her to the ambulance.  “It’s four-thirty in the morning.” “What?!” Lux asked as she laid down on the gourney. “What are you doing up at this hour?” “My job, Lux. We’re bringing you to the hospital now.” “Oh man,” Lux smiled, shaking her head slowly. “I think it’s nap time. How long is this ride?” “About thirty minutes.” “Okay, I want you to lay down over there and take a nap with me, okay? It’s so late, you’ve earned it I’m sure.” She mused, her eyes fluttering shut as her demand was met with laughter. She assumed that was the woman agreeing, so Lux floated off to sleep.

The next time she was awake she was in a small white room with half-a-curtain and a black screened television up in the left corner. Lux was, for the first time really, sober. Though the anti-anxiety medication still had her in a haze she shifted her weight but didn’t move from the bed. Paralyzed with fear. Where even was she? The curtain moving only slightly due to a nurse passing her room she saw ICU written in large black letters on the nurses station wall. It was all becoming much clearer now, she was in the intensive care unit. Forced to stay here against her will.

Dressed still in the white gound she leaned back and just stared at the black television. She felt like it was hours before a nurse finally came in.

“Oh, good morning. You’ve been asleep for a while.” “I have? How long have I been here?” “Just a day, now. Do you know where you are?” “Yeah.” Lux responded, guiltily as she held her arm up and heard the chatter of solemn voices in the room beside her. It sounded like multiple people, just speaking in Spanish. It was a family, she was sure of it. But where was her own? “Are my parents here?” She questioned with a furrowed brow. “No, but you can call them the phone’s right there in the hall.” The woman pointed before finishing up with her vitals. Lux flashed her a thankful smile before crawling out of the bed and slumping out of the room. Putting the phone to her ear, she dailed her father’s number and sucked her lesser lip between her teeth unsure of what, or if he’d even answer.

“Hello?” A husky, strained voice answered. “Hey, dad. It’s Lux..” “How’re you?” “I’m okay, is mom there?” “Yeah, she’s right here.” She could hear the phone be passed off, her guilt only amplifying at the sound of her father’s strain. “Hey sweetheart.” Her mother whispered, and immediately, tears streamed down her features. “Hey mom.. I’m sorry, I really am.” Lux whispered with a furrowed brow, brushing away the tears. “You scared us... A lot, Lux. You’ve made it hard for us to trust you.” “Can you guys just come here? I need to see you.” A silence weighed heavy on the conversation before she heard a faint sigh coming from the other end. “..No, because... You almost left us. And we want you to know how it’d feel if you left us. We’d feel alone.”

It felt like the most ass-backward thing in the world. Lux wasn’t even sure if her mother really knew how alone she had felt for the past eighteen years. How desperate for attention and love she was. How broken she truly felt every single day. But rather than fighting, she gave a stifled nod and soft sigh  in response before whispering a sorrowful goodbye and hanging up the phone.

Crawling back into the hospital bed, Lux laid there for three days with no television and barely eating. Just listening to the families around her. Listening to what sounded like a girl around her age talking to her mother on one side. The sound of a loud family on the other. The only comfort she had.

She’d close her eyes and imagine it was her sitting next to her mom.

“Do you need anything sweetie?” “No, mom. I’m okay, just cold.” “Lets get a few more blankets. There are so many empty rooms-- I don’t know why they had to put us so close to the nurses station.” “I know, but we’re next to the bathroom.” “Yeah, very true. Let me go find you some blankets. Want anything from the food court?” “No, they brought me lunch earlier I’m full mom.” “I love you, sweetie.” “love you too.”

That’s all Lux really wanted. All she wanted was to feel really, genuinely taken care of. Like she wasn’t doing it all on her own all the time. Like she wasn’t the pack mule. But that was never the case. She was constantly being taught lessons without doing the mischievous thing worth punishing. 

It wasn’t long, okay, three days until a doctor finally came in to see the petite. Sitting down on the bed beside her with a meek smile.

“Okay, well... Your parents thought that it was best you come and stay in the hospital for a bit. Just to get you regulated, have you talk to a doctor, and be sure you’re really okay. We just have a few questions first-- One, Do you know a Kenzie?” Lux’s eyes lit up as she quickly nodded. Maybe, just maybe she’d actually have some company. Maybe someone really did come to try and see her. “Okay, and...” “Is she here?” “No, but she did try to come visit you. Anyway, do you have any allergies to anything?” Her heart breaking there in her very hands, she felt herself cringe knowing that her friends tried to come see her but still, her parents refused. Closing her eyes she shook her head no, listening to the doctor’s string of rambles before he was finally finished with his questioning.

“You’ll be leaving tomorrow around twelve.” He noted as he pushed the curtain back. “Do you... Want that television on? I can ask a nurse to get you a remote.” But with most things, Lux just shrugged it off. After all, the doctor stepping out of his way to get her a remote would be her inconveniencing him. So alone she sat, just listening to the families around her grow stronger, and build the bond... While her’s remained broken, and separated by a great deal of distance. 

[bilitiesarendless-blog]

Someone, somewhere must have been looking out for her that night. Maybe God decided that she had enough torture because when she woke up it was to the sound of the door opening and closing, the man finally leaving and not touching her once while she slept. Shifting her weight to lay on her back once more she was awake, the shit alarm clock the motel offered flashing a bright 6:45 in neon lights. She didn’t even know when she was suppose to be out of the motel. Didn’t know what she was suppose to do. So she just laid there, the memories of the night before burning through her mind.

They burned into her so deeply she could feel her entire body tense up. The sound of F and Mark grinding and making out on the bed beside her. The eerie silence of the bathroom when the man finally turned off the television. The feeling of utter depression when she realized that F wasn’t going to come and save her from his clutches. She laid there, replaying the moments through her head over and over again and fought back the tears. What a stupid reason to cry, she thought. At least you weren’t home alone in your room, talking to those people online.

BUT GOD, how that was all she wanted. Her entire body vibrating despite the room being so hot beads of sweat slowly trailed down the side of her face. It felt like years before she finally heard the familiar sound of her phone vibrating. A vibrate pattern F had programmed in her phone so she’d always know. It mirrored a heart skipping a beat, and it actually forced the trembling to stop. Sliding her finger across the screen she accepted the call. “Yeah.” She whispered, though there was really no reason. She was alone now.

“Wake yo lazy ass up, Mark and I are coming over. Apparently we have to be out of here by nine.” Lux’s gaze turned to the clock which was now flashing an angry 7:45 at her.  “Nine? It’s fucking eight-- how are we getting home?” “We’ll figure it out, I think Mark has a ride.”

Shortly after that, Lux’s gaze was met with the woman who hurt her so deeply. The two sloppily walking into the disgusting room. 

“Okaaay, well. Mark’s phone died last night so, you’re gonna have to call your mom or your cousin to come and get us.” F began, as if it were all common knowledge when not even five minutes prior she told Lux she had a ride set up.

“Wait, my cousin? She’s all the way out, like thirty minutes away, you want me to call her and force her to come get us? She’s... Gonna kill me, man. But I don’t know, it’s better than calling my parents they’re definitely still asleep.” Lux nodded, pursing her lips to the side as each word only made her hate herself more. Her throat pulsing with this seering pain. The sickness now in full control. “I really don’t want to text her, though. Can you?” Lux asked with a nervous smile, only to be greeted with F’s disapproving look.

“Listen, she’s your cousin. Handle it.”

The petite felt her entire body go cold as she looked to the phone. If I text her a lot, maybe she’ll realize-- She’ll be able to tell. I need her. And thus, Lux began. Sending her cousin text, after text, after text. Her card being the card they put down for this very room, and if they were still there at nine it’d be another day charged and her entire paycheck gone. Lux didn’t have enough money for this, she had enough to go to new york and back-- Not to rent a motel room. Feeling like this was hopeless after seventy five textmessages in twenty minutes, she looked to the others who were gazing lustfully into eachothers eyes. All wrapped up in eachother, as if the room hadn’t been a hundred and ten degrees.

“She’s not answering.” Lux murmured, lifting a brow. “I’m just... Gonna call my mom. I’ll be back.” She whispered escaping the room’s lustful grasp and breathing a fresh breath of january air. It was a new year, it was going to be a good year. There was no where to go but up. She was sick, and standing outside of a motel room. It could only get better, right?

The phone rang once, twice, three times before the sound of her father’s groggy voice picked up.

“Hello?”  “Hey, I need you to come get me, please.” “Where are you? What time is it?” “It’s eight-- I’m at this motel. It’s across from Chuckies? Near the highway?” “God, I just- I haven’t even opened my eyes yet, I thought you had a ride.” “I did too, I don’t know.” Lux trembled, closing her eyes. “There’s one more thing.” “What?” “F’s friend... He needs a ride home too.” “Where does he live?” “...I’m not entirely sure. I think it’s Enfield?” “Enfield?! That’s an hour away. No way. We’re coming to pick you up and that’s all.” “Dad, what about-” “I don’t care. They have to figure it out, because I’m not doing it.” “Dad don’t-” “I’m coming now, get ready.”  Click.

Panic ran through Lux’s veins, along with this soft sense of relief. Her entire body desperate for the feeling of her own bed. Desperate for a shower and a few motrin to calm the raging sickness. She just felt reluctance walking back into the motel room, knowing she had her own answers but none for the others who were now standing in front of a table examining a little cylinder.

“What are you guys looking at?” Lux asked with a puzzled look. “Oh my god, Lux. That guy left his grinder and all his weed here. That’s fucking awesome, right? Here, you keep it. I know how much you love your pot.” F smiled, as if she were doing Lux a favor. Rather, she was giving the man another excuse to see her, something she never wanted. “No we should just, leave it here. I really don’t want it.” “Do you know what kind of grinder this is? This is like, a sixty dollar grinder.” The guilt in Lux’s veins grew stronger, now. “We are totally keeping it. And, if he texts you I’ll just say we never got it. We’ll be fine.” “..Alright, sure.” Lux agreed though she felt more insulted than gifted. Still a meek smile tugging at the corner of her lips.  “Oh so your parents, are they coming to get us?” “Uh... Not so much us as much me. They really don’t want to drive two hours out of the way for Mark, no matter how... Pretty he is.” She whispered in a raspy tone, her lips pursing to the side in order to stop herself from breaking down right there. The guilt so overwhelming and fear so strong her body began to vibrate. She was only greeted with frustration. “What about your cousin? God, this is so fucking stupid. We shouldn’t have done anything for New Years.” “Well, I wanted to go to New York-- I even had it all planned out. We would have had rides.” “But no one else wanted to go to New York. I mean seriously who actually likes going there on New Years?” “That’s... You were stoked to go meet Mitchy- You told me so.” Lux frowned, her head cocking to the side as frustration began to flair up. Mark escaping the awkward conversation by vanishing into the bathroom. “Hey--” Lux whispered and tugged on F’s sleeve to grasp her attention. “The dude knocked on the wall three times. It was a false alarm because he didn’t try anything but... You didn’t come.” “Oh my god, I totally heard that too! I thought it was a false alarm and I knocked back. But, you didn’t hear it. Then, Mark and I fucked in the shower. It was amazing.” F played off, her gaze turning to the ash tray that sat beside the shitty motel bed. “You thought it was a false alarm?” “Yeah! I thought you were testing me. It was only like ten minutes after I left.” “I can get raped in ten minutes.” “Listen! You said it was a false alarm anyway. It’s like. I knew that you were fine. If it were a serious issue I would have come.”

For some reason, Lux wasn’t so sure as she looked to her friend if she’d actually come to help. But rather than fighting it, she flashed her a weary smile and looked to the floor.

“Here, take my phone. Keep texting my cousin she’ll answer eventually. She’ll come to get you I’m sorry, I tried with my parents. My dad was going to do it until he heard how far it’d be. How long, you know? Plus, I’m really not feeling good. Just bring my phone home with you, I’m really sorry again.” Lux pleaded, only to be greeted with a half-assed smile and a cock of the head.

“Yeah, okay-- Totally. Awesome. I’ll see you later.” F chirped before rushing toward the bathroom, welcoming Mark with a wide hug. “We got Lux’s phone, her cousin is gonna come. Gotta give her gas money but I’llt ake care of that.” 

All the while F looked like the hero, Lux continued to straighten up the mess of a motel room so the maid didn’t have to do absolutely everything. Putting all of the bottles back in the box, straightening the bed and attempting to erse the smell of marijuana she was finally ready just as her phone went off, her parents warning her they were close.

“Okay, well. My ride’s here.”

“Bye.” “I’m sorry, again. But Kayti is com-” “Bye. I’ll see you later.” F snapped, putting the bags on her back and carrying lux’s phone close to her chest. The slender woman standing basically on the man she spent the last twenty-four hours grinding on. A man that seemed to mean much more to her than Lux ever could. The pain, and realization of their friendship going down hill burning into her memory. Into her heart.

[bilitiesarendless-blog]

Not much longer did Lux start to feel the desperation for any sort of human contact start pulsing through her veins. So pulling out her phone in a pot fueled haze she began texting, and everyone she shot a message to said they were busy, too busy to save her. too busy for her. A fact that would come to be her life for years to come. Her only salvation a man, who had attempted to rape the petite only months prior. A man who she considered to be her best friend, now wanted to come and occupy the time just so long as she swore she’d fuck him.

Lux was so desperate to have someone else there, listening to the sound of jean on jean rubbing. She was desperate for anyone to look at her, or even nod in her direction. She agreed to his request, a nervous knot forming in the pit of her stomach as she knew what was to come. Through the night the man came, and F’s friends came as well but no one stayed. The six of them cramped in that shitty Hotel room, F and her boytoy downing drink after drink, and F’s intoxication getting to a point where she knew it wasn’t okay. The woman could barely stand on her own but demanded someone brought her across the street to get something to eat. As if, Lux’s warning that a minor intoxicated in public was some sort of fairytale. As if, Lux had no validation.

The two slipped out into the night leaving Lux to have awkward chitchat with F’s friends, and the man who made her stomach turn and skin crawl. A man who was there for one thing and it was obvious by the look in his eyes. It wasn’t long until the two came back from their adventure, no food-- Just laughter. As if it were the best time. As if, F was having a better time with a man she just met oppose to Lux. Something that burned her, and broke her heart.  Shortly after that F’s friends decided that they had another party to get to and escaped the Motel’s clutches. Leaving just F, Lux, F’s boytoy and the man who shall not be named. As the clock struck eleven Lux felt her body shut down and a sickness F had trailed into the woman’s house had taken over. The feeling of regret, and pain now pulsing through her as the man’s hand found it’s way to the small of her back.

Fingers dragging up and down her side in a way to suggest it was going down, she looked to F and dragged her away from her heavy make-out session. Pulling her into the bathroom, Lux looked to the heavily intoxicated woman with fearful eyes.

“I’m scared, F. Can you and your guy leave now so I can pretend like I’m sleeping.” “Oh, whaaat? Why are you scared?” “Do you know who that is? Did you forget?” “Forget what? Oh-- OH! The time he tried to fuck you? Listen, it’s okay! Just bang on the wall three times if he tries to rape you, it’s totally okay. I’ll come over and kick his ass, promise.”

Anyone with any shred of self respect would have turned on their heels and left, but Lux had faith in her friendship, and wanted to be there for her. So after agreeing that she’d leave before the ball dropped, Lux made her way back out to the edge of the bed of uncomfort, the man’s hands finding their way to her back once more teasingly running against her. Teasingly warning her of the night that was to come, as if it were something she was looking forward to. As if she were so lucky to have a man such as him to touch her. For a split second she turned to him. 

Hungry brown eyes were locked on her. His tangled mess of public hair seemingly glued to his face hung from his parted lips, showcasing a lustful smirk. He looked so proud. So proud of his overweight, slightly stumpy, small-teethed mess he was working with. Lux wondered how it felt to be that confident. To be able to walk out of the house in a pair of two-year-old nikes and a shirt with fifty un-namable stains. She wondered if he knew how he looked in her eyes. Like a monster, preparing to devower it’s pray.

The clock struck 11:50 and Lux’s anxiety spiked, F and her boyfriend still draped across the bed preparing to fuck. The man’s hand finding it’s way further and further up her shirt, her body pulling away in instinctive response and his hand gripping into her flesh, forcing her closer. “Please, stop.” She whispered in response, but that was only met with laughter.

The man was once a friend, and even worse, he was a friend of her ex boyfriend from highschool. He was convinced that she was into rape scenarios. being forced against her will because that’s what her dimwitted boyfriend told the man all those years ago. But here she was, on the cusp of twenty and my how she had changed. Her gaze turned to him and a low growl left her as she gripped his wrist with all the strength she could muster and forced him away. “Stop.” She demanded now, narrowing her gaze only to be caught off guard by F screaming.

TEN, NINE, EIGHT, SEVEN,

Lux’s eyes darting from the television to the man nervously who was sitting up, preparing for the kiss he expected from her. 

SIX, FIVE, FOUR, THREE,

Her anxiety reaching a point where her fingertips grew numb, and her eyes were wide and bewildered.

TWO...

Her body perfectly still, hanging off the bed. Heart and mind agreeing on the concept of just running, running all the way home and locking herself in her grandmother’s room where she’d stay until she could feel safe again.

ONE.

The man leaning in closer, tugging on her hip to look at him. The sound of F and her boytoy sucking face to her left. It was hell, possibly the worst version of hell. It was her hell and she wondered what she had done to deserve so much pain and suffering. How many lives she fucked up in the past to deserve this.

Quickly standing from her bed, Lux began to organize the room in a total loss of control. Her fidgeting hands grabbing each and every liquor bottle before she escaped to the bathroom with her bowl and pot. The only solace she had now that she was so desperately alone. Packing the bowl, she heard a faint rapping on the door. Wide eyes lifted to study the locked door handle and F’s muffled voice came from the other side.

“Kaaaay, well-- Mark and I are gonna head to our motel room. See you in the morning! Don’t forget!”

Don’t forget meaning if you begin to get raped, knock on the wall three times. What a sound idea, but it soothed her. To an extent, it made her feel better knowing she had someone waiting for her on the other side. Someone who would come to her rescue, if she was in fact in need of rescuing.

And soon, she heard the motel door open, and shut taking the string of giggles and husky moaning with it. Lux trembled in the bathroom, gripping the pipe tightly in her hands she tried to get higher and higher but the sickness was being sure to squash that. Her head pulsing and throat burning as if she swallowed a cup of broken glass and nails. She was miserable, and she felt as though there was no hope.

A knocking broke her concentration, and his voice came from the other side.

“You alright in there? Need anything?” The man questioned in the nicest tone he could muster. “I’m fine, I’ll be out in a minute.” “You smokin’ in there without me?” “What? No. I’m using the bathroom.” She played, flushing the toilet she was curled up next to, quickly wrapping the bowl and weed into a long cylinder and shoving it into the bottom of her bra. Flicking on the sink she stood before the mirror now, studying the shell of the woman who stared back at her. Red eyes, pale face. She was a mess. A piece of her didn’t even recognize the face in the mirror for a solid five minutes. She tried, but she couldn’t get past the look of pure fear that consumed her. She could hear the television turn off, along with the man crawling into the bed she was once sat in. 

Taking in a long, heavy breath she finally gave in. Turning off the sink she made her way for the door, not even bothering to fix herself in any way, shape, or form. Her hair a tussled mess from her awkward shifting on the bed. Her hazy, glassed over eyes surrounded by a thick layer of mussed up mascara and eyeliner. Her lipstick somewhat worn off and smeared. Sweatshirt hanging off her body along with a pair of jeans a size or two too big hanging off her hips. Lux was a fucking mess, and prayed the man would want nothing to do with her. Prayed, that she’d completely turn him off with her loud sniffles and purely grotesque look.

But alas, Lux was wrong.

“You’re not sleeping over here?” He questioned, watching as Lux pulled back the covers that were still warm from the friction Mark and F’s body created. “No, I’m really not feeling well. F’s been sick all week and crashing at my place since her mom kicked her out.” “Her mom kicked her out?-- Why?” “Well, guess her sister was having a party and Mark and her went up to her room. Dry hump central, and F’s mom walked in and saw the whole thing. She called me to tell me She needed a place to stay and I just said yeah.” “That’s what I love about you, Lux.” “Love?” She scoffed, nervously as she gazed at the motel ceiling.  “Yeah, you’re great. Anyone needs anything and you’re there for them. I mean, you let that one kid crash in your room for what a week? Because he refused to go home?” “He was living outside. I couldn’t just let that happen.” “That’s what I mean, you’re not like the other girls. I heard that dude stole from everyone. But still you let him live in your house? That’s insane. That’s what I love about you. You’re an amazing girl, now why don’t you come over here and cuddle? Really can’t fall asleep without someone in my arms.” “I’m really not feeling well. I think I’ll stay over here, I don’t want to get you sick.” “C’mon, we’ll just cuddle. Promise I won’t do anything.” “Please, can I just-- Go to sleep?” She questioned, her gaze flashing over to him. He had one hand raised and slowly rubbing up and down the wall she was meant to use if she felt her life was in danger. Her eyes widened slightly as she watched the man begin to knock on it’s surface.

“You’re basically the best person I’ve ever met, you know that Lux?”

KNOCK ONE.

“Don’t really think I know anyone like you.”

KNOCK TWO.

“I think you’re the first girl i’ve ever really loved. And I know I use to tease you a lot and talk a lot of shit but... I mean it.”

KNOCK THREE.

Lux’s entire body froze as she stared at the door now, but saw no knight in shining armor come to retrieve her from his clutches. He rang the alarm, but they looked to be broken. A strange and horrible sense of pain and anxiety ran through her veins as she shifted to lay on her side, back to the man. “I’m really not feeling well, I’m going to sleep.” She pressed, and the man complied. Finally admitting defeat as she closed her eyes tight, and prayed when she woke he’d be gone.

[bilitiesarendless-blog]

SHE DIDN’T CARE- She didn’t care about anything her sister or her husband had to say about what she was doing. And that feeling, of inconveniencing them actually brought her some sense of peace. It calmed her enough that she felt she was finally able to go do her laundry, which she had been waiting to do for well over a week now. Her mother’s voice in the back of her head reminding her that she had to get it done before they were forced out. That it was something she should do this weekend while she has the time. The only problem being, every single time she went down to do it something was wrong. The first being, Alexis put in a load so large it caused the washer to overflow and spill out all over the floor, nearly causing a fire if not for Lux unplugging the machine before real damage had been done.

She didn’t try and get mad at that situation, rather finding it to be something that was out of her control. Something she couldn’t change no matter how much she wanted to--... Then, on Saturday she went down to try and get it done only to find the machine sitting in the middle of the basement, unattached from everything. Still, nothing she could do. Her sister and brother had to move out of the basement that night despite it being the single place Lux wanted to live all thoughout her time in that house. Her father must have forgotten to put it back. Something she couldn’t get mad about. He was working so much, so hard, she couldn’t hold that against him.

And after complaining, he hooked it back up without another reminder, and turning on her sister’s load in order for it to get clean and not stink. She thought maybe they’d get their laundry done that night considering their clothes had been in there for over a week now. She thought she’d be in the clear now that it had been over a week and a half of them doing their laundry, and fucking up the process. She thought they’d have the respect for her to leave the basement unattended since they abandoned it in such a rush. But as she approached the machine she heard the faint buzzing and that rage that was silenced by the sound of explosive music erupted in her and there was no sense of control anymore.

Ripping open the lid of the machine she came face to face with a machine still full of laundry and in the middle of a spin cycle. She didn’t even take the time to try and figure out who’s laundry it was, because she knew. Alexis didn’t finish her load the night before because she was busy setting up a toddler bed for her one year old. Something they thought would be the right step despite the fact... God, her mind was racing a million times a minute as she felt herself grow numb and tremble. A loud, angry scoff left her as she began to stomp up the stairs, slamming each and every door as she went.

“Can’t fucking sleep, can’t do my laundry-- Can’t do ANYTHING.” She shouted, before slamming her door and once more locking it. Her computer flashing orange and blue she was reminded she had people. She had other human beings she could vent to despite the great distance between them, she had others who genuinely cared for her. So opening the app she read over their conversations, a feeling of guilt washing through her veins as she typed out.

Got woken up yesterday by my sister and her husband screaming at the kids and them screaming back. Woke up today to a baby screaming bloody murder.  I’m going to go fucking insane.

The message being sent into the group chat without another thought, that is, until her friend responded back with a short ‘that sucks’ validating that her reaction was over the top.

Something snapped within Lux now, her entire body freezing as she sat there looking at the lack of concern. A great deal of guilt pulsing through her veins as she felt there was no hope anywhere. Her darkest demon crawling up her spine and digging itself deep into her brain. The depression, wiggling it’s way in despite her constant demand for it to go. Reminding her, No one cares. No one will ever care. She was trapped, and her rage was mixing with the demon, turning itself into a massive monster of self loathing.

A monster of pure hate.

Gasping quietly Lux felt herself give into the demon. Her rage erupting into the chat as she lost her fucking mind. Ranting off about how she wasn’t able to do the laundry seemed like such a weak reason to be so angry, but there was so much more to the story that she was afraid to talk about. Her fear that she’d be greeted with what she was greeted with when she found out that the dogs would have to be put down.

Any time Lux spoke out when she was being mistreated, she was always greeted with this strange sense of no one cares. When a friend committed suicide in highschool, she was greeted with all of her closest companions leaving her side and telling her, We don’t care because it’s the end of the year. We sort of just want to have fun.

We sort of just want to have fun.

The words burning into her memory for her entire life, dictating what she was to share and what she wasn’t. Controlling her in a way that the girl who spoke them would never know. Lux was convinced from that moment on that all she was meant to do was to bring joy to others, and lift them up when they’re down. An act she does, praying that when she is in the darkest and deepest valley of self loathing she’d have someone tossing her a line.

But every time she found herself in the cold dark, she’d be alone.

She couldn’t remember the last time she felt like she was by someone’s side, climbing up the mountain. She couldn’t remember the last time she felt like she wasn’t so alone, so trapped in these four walls. So lost in her own mind. She can remember the last time she attempted suicide, the last time she cried so hard she threw up to have no one come and try to rescue her. The last time she had her heart smashed by a friend and every other time she was completely and totally alone. The fear, of that feeling fueling her to avoid all socializing outside of her own personal bubble.

It has been two long years since Lux allowed herself out of this bubble, two miserable years where she sat in silence, complying with other’s orders and following their demands. You see, two years ago she had the best friend she always dreamed of having. A friend who was there for her any time of day she needed it. A friend who would come over, and watch movies for hours on end just because she needed the company. A friend who didn’t judge her, but that too turned to absolute shit.

She was standing in her cousins house, cleaning with her mother was a part-time job they both assumed when Lux’s mother lost her business which had been running under her sole supervision for twenty years. A job that did nothing but burden her mother and lead her to her own demons. A job she was happy to be out of, despite how useless it made her feel now. Knowledge Lux knew, because she was her therapist. It wasn’t that Lux didn’t enjoy listening to her mother’s woes and pains, it was just-- When it came to Lux, she wasn’t greeted with the same compassion and understanding. Her frustrations branching off her siblings mistreatment and her mother’s problems being much larger... It was immensely hard for Lux to really have her mother understand, especially when she was held to such a higher standard than her siblings.

The sound of her father’s phone going off over, and over, and over only brought him more and more frustration. Her life-long friend now spamming her father’s phone in order to get in touch with her. Lux can remember his voice and how nasty it sounded as he warned her to make her friend stop texting him. So she did, or she tried. Regretting not bringing her own phone despite her current scuffle with her friend. The friend texting her over and over to pick up the phone, she finally calls.

“What do you want?” She spat as she heard the other answer. “What are you doing? I’ve been texting you forever.” “I’m cleaning, i told you I was gonna be busy tonight.” “Oh, right- Anyway, I want to go hang out with a few of My friends and I want you to come.” “I really don’t want to do that- You go ahead, I’m gonna go home and sleep.” “GOD, all you do is sleep!” “I’m tired.” She lied, truthfully she wanted to get on her computer and write on her online blog. “You’re seriously so boring. You’re not sleeping, I’ll pick you up.” “No, F seriously I just want to sleep. I don’t want to go out with you and your friends because all that happens is I sit there and stare at you and them talking all night.” “Alright, then you owe me.” “Fine, can you just please stop texting my dad’s phone though, he’s getting mad.” “Whatever.” Click.

That was the beginning of the end for that friendship. Really, anyone could have seen it coming from miles away. Everyone but Lux, that is.  It could have been the countless times F brought Lux to parties, forcing her against her own will to socialize with her friends or maybe it was New Years Eve, where all Lux wanted was to go to New York City with a few friends and see her best friend since she was little. A friend she met online, and turned into a sister basically until of course an old venmous friend snatched her away. Until they lost touch, and all they had was facebook to update each other on what was happening. It always hurt lux to remember how they’d talk on their cordless phones from 10PM, then wake up in the morning for school still on the phone. Both forgetting to hang up through the night.

But what hurt more, was the way F completely dismissed the idea because a boy she was fucking wanted to get a motel. A motel in order for them to fuck and that was all. Lux knew, she knew that the boy didn’t really like her friend. Didn’t want her, but F was convinced he was the one. So, despite not wanting to she did it. She blew off her New Years plans as more and more people dipped from the idea and she followed through with F’s plans. They went to a motel, where Lux paid for half of the adventure only to sit on a bed and smoke pot in the bathroom while F and her boytoy made out on the bed across from her. The small television playing some sort of spanish channel, and the remote under their dry-humping bodies.

[bilitiesarendless-blog]

The sound of a child screaming on the top of his lungs woke the petite with vibrant hair in a whirlwind of rage. The night before being a hazy memory after trying to self medicate with benadryl and cannabis. Trying just about everything in order to finally get that rest she was so desperate for. Lux’s entire body vibrating with rage as she reached for a dead cellphone, and an increasingly violent headache. “Someone take care of that fucking thing.” She seethed, the words venomous as they left her lips. But no one answered her silent demand, the child’s rage only growing louder and louder despite how loud she began to scream in response.

Nothing was going to put her back to sleep now. Nothing. The woman throwing her blankets, phone, and pillows away in a fit of rage she finally mustered up the strength to get out of bed where she simply stood in the middle of her dimly lit, and messy beyond compare room. The faint sound of a child ripping his vocal chords apart in order to grasp his parents attention. Desperate for attention, a feeling she knew far too well from years and years of being placed on the back burner.

This was the beginning of a terrible day. Lux gathered herself just enough to throw on a jacket that hadn’t been washed in weeks and a pair of boots with deep red hair dye splashed across the top. She can remember the day it happened. Wearing her boots while she saturating the dying locks in a deep shade of purple-red hair dye.The dye that was only four-fifty compared to the leading brand ranking up to 15.99 a box. A number that left her and her mother to cringe.

With a slam of the door and heavy foot Lux mad her way out the front door clutching the wallet her father bought her for Christmas. A fond memory, despite the wallet’s hideous appearance she carried it. Carrying a piece of him any time she ventured on her own. The petite didn’t realize how cold it was as the harsh wind brushed across her features. Her hair half-in a pony tail, half out. Her eyes watering from the harsh change in temperature. She could barely breathe against the harsh winds, but the trip was short thankfully.

Walking into the liquor store that waited for her at the end of the street she passed a stranger who looked at her as if she were homeless. A mother and her child trotting in behind, and a man standing behind the counter with a solemn face. Alex had seen him multiple times now in her life. Almost every time she walked her sister’s kids to the bus stop she’d see him lingering about in the fresh air, waiting for his customers. She couldn’t imagine a life like that, of pure solitude or alcoholics just desperate for their next drop of liquor.

Grabbing a redbull, yellow gatorade and a tiny bit of courage and strength to subdue her constant anger the woman placed her items on the counter and released a heavy breath. “Pack of Marb Menthols, and a number eighteen.” What a life, she thought, furrowing her brow as she opened the wallet, sloppily retrieving the twenty dollar bill she tossed in before walking out the door. She’d never actually keep her money in a wallet. It was hidden, in an old box that use to hold her allergy medication. Secure in the draw of her computer desk that was passed down to her from her grandmother.

A desk that she hated, more than anything.

Wishing the man a gentle Have a good one as she escaped it’s warm embrace she headed back down the street. Holding the items tight to her chest she saw as a neighbor was heading out to leave. Shame washing through her veins as she imagined how she looked to them. Dressed in a pair of hippy sweats, an old gray sweater that didn’t match and her hair greasy from not taking a shower the night prior. To top it off, her other neighbor’s black husky spotted her. 

“Noo, shh baby shh-” She cooed to the now louder than life pup barking at her. “Shh, shhh.” She continued one finger pressed to her lips as she crossed the street, ignoring the driver. It has gotten to a point where she’d rather speak to a dog than another human being. Who even was she anymore? Once upon a dream, Lux was venturing out past her bed time to meet up with friends and travel the streets in the dead of night. Now? Her phone didn’t even ring unless it was an email, or her online friends.

Are those even my friends, she wondered boots slamming on the wooden steps her father built to turn this run down house into her mother’s dream home. A home, which they were losing in a matter of weeks. Shoving open the large black door Lux caught a glimpse of her sister heading into the bathroom. A low growl omitting from her without her permission but masked by the sound of the door slamming behind her. The brisk walk through the chilly March air didn’t help at all with this anger. It seemed like nothing was going to.

Stomping her way up the steps, her father’s angry voice ringing through her ears as she pushed the door shut behind her and locked it-- as if that lock would keep her sister and her husband out of her face. It was only a matter of time before one of them was calling her over for a cigarette break or a bowl pack. That’s all she was anymore. A buffer to their marriage, as if they couldn’t do things together, it had to involve Lux as well.

Now, there were moments where Lux was humbled by the idea. That people actually needed her in some way, shape or form. But those moments were always buried by some stupid thing that pushed her too far. Maybe she forgot what was real, being trapped in the house twenty four seven, barely ever seeing the light of day. Hidden in her room or stuck in the living room watching her sister’s children for hours upon hours. Her pay? A thank you and a hundred dollars.

Opening her laptop and turning it on, the first move was to check if anyone replied. If anyone wrote back to her over the night of her restless sleeping. Maybe there was a thread, or two, where she wasn’t the one playing the dominant muse. Where, for once, she was being taken care of and someone thought of her. But alas, she was greeted with just more bad news.

Opening a new tab she brought up you tube, and immediately turned on g-eazy. Turning her computer up to full blast along with the television attached to it she didn’t care. The way she saw it, is if they can be as loud as they want to, so can she. Despite her ears and anxiety begging her to turn it down she suffered through. Truth be told, being an inconvenience to anyone-- Even the people who disrespected her or shit on her dreams, shook the woman to her core. Her anger getting the best of her as it turned it up louder, and louder until she was sure the entire house could shake with its bass.

[bilitiesarendless-blog]

Twins: Alexis and Alexandria, Lex and Lux.

mother, father: Denise and Jonah

Older brother: Anthony, Tony.

Last name: Malcolm.

Lex’s significant other has a baby already: Zoey

Lex’s baby: Jay

pov: lux/alex

pick up plot: alex having a mental breakdown.

face claims:

LUX: chloe norgaard

ALEX: imbribtw

TONY: diego barrueco

F:  Stephanie Bertram Rose