bithewhat

[bithewhat]

WTF SPN

Just want to punch a hole through the wall, through the roof, through the universe and through the SPN Writer’s desk- because WTFFFF??? HOW DO WE COPE WITH THIS AGONISING PAIN AND CONFUSED HAPPINESS. CASTIEL AND DEAN DESERVED BETTER. CASTIEL DESERVED BETTER. DEAN DESERVED BETTER. THEY DESERVED THEIR MOMENT. HOW COULD YOU FUCKING STRIP THEM BOTH OFF OF THEIR MOMENT. I HAVEN’T FOLLOWED THE SHOW IN YEARS, GRANTED- BUT AS SOMEONE WHO HAS BEEN OBSESSED WITH SUPERNATURAL AND CASTIEL AND DESTIEL THIS IS THE WEIRDEST MOMENT OF MY FUCKING LIFE BECAUSE I AM SO FUCKING FULL OF HAPPINESS AND TEARS BUT EQUALLY SO SO ANGRY. Both of the characters had a development curve of more than 10 years over the course of good 10 seasons- and you’re telling me you couldn’t spare even 10 fucking decent minutes where Castiel and Dean could have their moment, where Destiel could breathe, where both Castiel and Dean knew and cherished and just knew AND COULD ACTUALLY FUCKING SAY IT WHERE DEAN COULD PROCESS IT AND SAY IT AND JUST BE THERE IN LOVE. SPN NEVER STRUGGLED WITH PORTRAYING HETEROSEXUAL RELATIONSHIPS AND DESOLVING THOSE ROMANTIC/SEXUAL TENSION SO WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO THIS.

 FUCKING HATE THIS NONSENSE THAT CASTIEL AND DEAN WERE BOTH ROBBED OF THEIR LOVE AND THEIR MOMENT BECAUSE OF THE NECESSITY TO CLAIM A CHARACTER AS FURIOUSLY MACHO HETERO. IDK WHOSE DECISION WAS THIS, BUT FUCK YOU. CASTIEL AND DEAN DESERVED A LOT MORE THAN THIS. NEITHER CASTIEL DESERVED TO BE SUCKED INTO A MEGA HELL AND DIE JUST AFTER ADMITTING HIS LOVE NOR DEAN DESERVED THIS CONFUSION, THIS SHOCK, THIS PARALYSING REALISATION. FUCK YA’LL

[bithewhat]

Poem 1: A room of one’s own

I live in a square. With so many lives contained, As though a palimpsest Of all seen, unseen, felt, and left. In the silence The gnawing knowledge bares its teeth, I can hear its hunger. It loudly chews on lives. 

They look at me, My mind grapples with them.

I wish I could know all of you.

Without fear But the fear remains And I cannot see.

Please don't speak with the darkness Please don't shine for me to know I glow larger, speak louder, live livelier, Just to not know Just to not hear.

You scare me. maybe for the knowledge you will imprint. I cannot erase.

You scare me, I don't want to know

As the pandemic grows stronger, lives get more repressed, and the shadow self grows louder, I went back to poetry to capture the confusion and loneliness the 9 months have been. After so long in isolation, sharing square fts of a home with my parents, life seems an exhausting performance of my ‘self’ in greys. There is no space of exploration, for hobbies, for sexuality, for taking leaps, but in the square fts of a home, there are attempts to make every inch count with hope, to bounce back after every fall. 

[bithewhat]

Reclaimed Memory: 1. The woman in the bar

This is not a very decently written story. I am a writer and I can string a decent sentence or two, but I want to write this exactly how I recalled it, reacognised it, and reclaimed it. 

This is one of my memories which I reclaimed after coming out as bisexual. I want to remember this moment forever, this is when I felt the most. 

So after coming out as Bisexual, the world went on, but my mind went in a frenzy and recalled every indication it could find from my former life. One of the memories it bought back and reclaimed was of a beautiful woman that I saw in a bar. This was when my friend and I went out late night drinking. We both were heading out for a out-of- the city trip the next day and wanted to pull an all-nighter of drinking. We decide to go to this rather dingy, popular bar in some quite tucked away space of Mumbai and just enjoy cheap booze, cheap smokes, and head out to the nearest beach. Well, we head out for the night and enter this bar and everything is cloaked in the worst lighting possible, there were barely any specks of light remaining for a person to see clearly. There’s loud 90s music playing, there’s smoke trails escaping from every occupied niche, and everyone is high or drunk. It is basically an escapist’s oasis.

My friend and I grab the farthest seat possible and order our drinks and food and we are speaking of how stressful life has been for us- because we are two disillusioned 23 years old here. I light my cigarette and in a room full of blurry lights, blaring music, and outlined people I see this most beautiful woman I have ever seen in my life. She sat diagonal from where I was and I could not stop looking at her. She wore the prettiest black top and a long flowing red skirt with her legs crossed at knees, hair down and dark eyeliner around her eyes. She had the prettiest eyes I have ever seen, they wouldn’t avert but they just looked at you, so powerful- she made me feel the same. She was just smoking and drinking there with her friends, but everything she did or not did seemed just effortless.The way she placed her chin on her palm, how she laughed, how she stayed silent just listening- all of it, it was worth capturing. For good 20 minutes of my life I couldn’t stop looking at her- I considered approaching her, but what would I even say? I didn’t have anything to offer. I just couldn’t.

 I think she noticed me looking at her (well, of course, I wasn’t exactly being inconspicuous), so I looked away, however the impression she left on me was huge. I still remember how in the room full of shadows she was the one thing I could see clearly, I can still remember the warm shade of her skin, how it felt when she smiled, how it felt to just be in her orbit. And then I remember dismissing this. I remember how I dismissed this as a drunk infatuation, and I remember taking a deep breath to forget. I remember finishing my cigarette, my drink, and heading out with my friend, into the blinding streetlight. Trying to walk to the nearest beach.  

My brain replayed this memory again yesterday along with few others. This bought the same old feelings back. Time slowed down a bit, my heart raced, and I still couldn’t step out of the moment of that night. This bought back the feeling of how she was just the most beautiful to me and how she left an imprint in me, further bringing in the disappointment.There’s a sense of regret connected with this story, a sense of ‘I’ll never know, because I didn’t know” and to be honest, there’s nobody to be blamed but the timing. 

[bithewhat]

The ‘biness’ spectrum: Few days out of the closet

3-4 days ago I didn’t even realize I was in a closet, I had no inkling of it. The suddenly within the span of 24 hours not only there was a closet surrounding me, at the same time I stepped out of it, with all my fears. To be honest, within these few days I have just tip-toed near the door because it is terrifying. I hold on to the door as though that’s my only hope through all the confusion and understanding. This definitely is not true and not healthy- I cannot un-bi, I cannot deny a part which has existed for long inside of me. 

Now, a part of coming out which I didn’t realise was- reclaiming personal memories. The moment I realised I was bisexual, my mind went back to all those moments when I developed a crush on women and mistook it for only infatuations (or a phase). My mind took my back to all those childhood indications/teen ‘infatuations’/ and adult ignorance which surrounded my sexuality. Thinking of those and knowing them has been increasingly overwhelming- not only because of the feelings they arouse, but the denial I underwent and suffocated under heteronormativity- which was only broken by a global fucking pandemic. It took a global pandemic to make me recognize and recognize my bisexuality.

These days have been eventful, because now when I look at women, my relationship with them is much better than it used to be. There’s no underlying frustration, jealousy, or dismissiveness. I  can now see a woman, and I can actually experience what I want to and enjoy the feeling. It is so freeing and real. My biness becomes real with each interaction between me and my body & me and others. But, after living as a heterosexual  for good 23 years of my life, this isn’t easy.

The thing that I have been struggling with excessively for over 2 days is validity of my ‘biness’. There’s this prolonged anxiety regarding how do I ‘show’ my ‘biness’, ‘perform’ my ‘biness’ because the pre-hetero part of me constantly looks for legitimacy (which isn’t required). I don’t fear the legitimacy which the outside world will demand from me. I am not afraid of the validity which a variety of different people expect me to provide them. However, this internal tangle between my previous and my ‘new’ self is debilitating. Surrounding myself with people from the community, talking about it with them and my loved ones has helped me immensely. Even researching and knowing bisexuality better has helped me articulate my anxieties & fears. 

Finally accepting my identity helped me realise that it is only 20% of the battle won. The rest 60% for me, is a battle with my former self, and the remaining I am sure will be stolen by the world. This battle with the ‘self’ is consuming and exhausting. There is no spectrum in terms of biness, I am not more/less attracted to a man/woman & I don’t want to feel obligated to find everyone attractive just because I am bisexual. This understanding and this grip is something difficult to get, especially after recognizing my orientation after so long. This toxic self-negating of valid experience, both previous & current, is exhausting. I don’t know why this conflict exists, but I know I have to fight it to be my true self.

After watching countless YouTube videos, cribbing with almost 4-5 people, and internally screaming- I believe, my bisexuality doesn’t need to be the only thing that defines me. Sure it is an important part of me, but not an all-compassing part of me. Like other parts of my identity, even bisexuality will be normalised, and it will get easier, where I will be able to form my opinions, my knowledge, and my own sense of it- adding further meaning to my experiences. The world wouldn’t be confusing and new to navigate, but spaces will be reclaimed by me. All it needs is a little time, which is a huge thing to demand from an impatient person like myself, but oh well. 

I eagerly look forward to this- a step towards a life where I have nothing remaining to ‘prove’ my former self and completely divorce my bisexuality from it- setting myself free.

[bithewhat]

Looking closer

I have been on a self-exploring journey for a while now. When I thought about self-exploring, I assumed that the facets of life that it includes are generally; Self (of-course), body, mind, soul, fears, rage, etc. All the concepts, ideas, and the concrete. I never assumed or rather realised that a dimension of self-awakening is even sexuality. In my head I knew my sexuality; heterosexuality with a bit of an edge. What was the edge? My attraction to women. Since a kid I have been attracted or infatuated with female bodies. (This is something I recognised and realised today). As a kid, I would be fascinated by female bodies and their beauty, and the imagined feel of it. Women to me were/are extremely beautiful. I loved the closeness I felt/feel with them, I love the similarities or rather familiarity of our bodies, and of our experiences. Most importantly, I found/find women attractive and powerful. Women intimidated me but at the same time, I was in awe and I think even smitten. 

So, this fascination with women- I assumed to be an edge in my sexuality. Where I primarily assumed I am into guys and I just wanted to be with girls purely at a sexual level. I wanted to explore what it is like to be with a woman-for the experience of it & understand what it felt like. I always assumed myself to be bi-curious, than bisexual. Although even being bi-curious felt like it fit me slightly- it never truly encompassed what I felt towards both the sexes/genders.

The narrative I could for, especially about knowing how I want to articulate my interest in being with women primarily occurred within 2 spaces; 1) With the men I was romantically involved with, and 2) With the men I hooked up with. So naturally, my fascination/interest in women was not just perceived by others but even by me as an ‘edge’ where I am ‘experimental’. None of those things are bad things, I’d say- but somewhere I think it did alter my perception towards my self, my idea of my own sexuality quite a bit. It altered it to an extent where I couldn’t distinguish whether I was someone who wanted to just have sex with the same-sex or wanted something deeper/wanted to explore something deeper. 

This has been 5 years of my life. 5 years of my life constantly telling my boyfriends/hook-ups that I wanted a space from them where I could explore my sexuality and be with a woman, as that is something I want to definitely do. However, when I used the space and I could finally talk to a woman- I chickened out. I didn’t know how to begin, where’s the middle, and what do I even say- when I myself did not know what am I offering someone. The anxiety, the fear, and the intimidation kicked in. It wasn’t just anymore about having sex with the same-sex, it was me trying to move away from ever acknowledging or understanding if my love/admiration for women was deeper- what if it was? how would I deal with it? how would I understand it? There were so many aspects and questions that I didn’t want to deal with.

Little did I know these dormant feelings do not remain dormant- feelings need to be expressed or they evolve to be vindictive. Through out my 5 years, as much as I was attracted to women, I tried harder not to think about it. I tried harder not to have female crushes, I tried harder not to imagine myself with a woman. Even if I was open to FMF threesomes, I never went through with it- I just didn’t want to know and kept it dormant.

5 years later, I began a ‘self-awakening’ journey today. There were so many aspects of myself that I needed to come to terms with, needed to let go, and needed to heal. It never occurred to me that one of those aspects would be sexuality. Right now I am in a relationship with one of my best friends. I am completely happy with him. Recently we were exploring the idea of FMF and I told him (check: began with my narrative again) that I needed the space to explore FF (being able to have sex with a woman). He was open to it, and we discussed our boundaries. However, this time I did something which I didn’t do before- I said ‘I may not be Bi-curious, but idk, I am not Bi, idk what I am’ and then I thought it over. Then it hit me like like torrential rain. I may actually, perhaps, could be Bi.

I began to dissect my dreams and my fantasies first: Majority of them had me romantically involved with a woman; sex, cuddling, appreciation, possible admiration, etc. The thought of being with a woman, dating one, feeling one in my arms felt as natural as with a man. Being able to caress a woman, kiss and put my arm around her after her long day felt/feels as natural as doing it with a man. Most importantly, thinking of holding hands, sitting on a couch drunk watching shit movies, and hugging felt as comfortable with a woman as with a man. This all felt normal, this shift between 2 genders and 2 sexes. Love seeped across, around, and into the borders- eroding them.

Then I realised, recently, I had started imagining women again, this time it was deeper, more realistic- stripped from all the known festishes, all the misinformation, all the interpreted ‘hyper-sexual’ tendencies- and it felt good. It gave me the same sexual feelings and more. This was real. I of course, spiraled. I am now a 24 year old woman whose idea of her sexuality is dismantled. 

I spoke to 3 of the closest people to me who knew about my journey & tendencies, and via them I met a group of people from the community. Currently, it is all very fast, it is all very new, and it is all very scary. My fear surprisingly isn’t about coming out, my fear is more about recognising myself and wondering what would happen if I don’t. I have never been with a woman, I essentially am very very nervous about flirting with one- and even if I muster some courage to talk to one, what do I expect? I know these are ridiculous fears, but it is one half of it. The other half is- am I truly Bi? what is this? or am I just fluid? am I overthinking this? Both the nervous Bi and the probability of being a sexuality imposter is eating me. 

I am unsure how to go through this or make sense of this- but luckily, I have people around me who will help me in sense-making, and slow-down, and understand what is happening. Soon, I will begin with educating myself and may even put myself out there for understanding how dating women feels like (I don’t know, I do want to, I have been wanting for so long). Regardless, this is a terrifying space- the queer unknown.

For so long I have been an ally of the LGBTQI+. I was always at the outside/the periphery supporting them- now that I see the stripes on myself- it is a surprising experience, it is strange- like seeing a new me. I am an adult and a new born in this moment. 

All of this confusion, understanding, clarity, and spiraling led me to create this blog to help me map and understand my journey. Even perhaps meet people whom I could speak with, probably listen to their stories, idk- I think I just want to connect and stop feeling suspended. But hey, it is a good start maybe- instead of screaming into a void out of fear, I am stringing along language across an international blogging site.