bracketedmorality

[bracketedmorality]

Clarity

—noun

clearness or lucidity as to perception or understanding; freedom from indistinctness or ambiguity.

I’m different now,

compared to who I was.

Not necessarily better,

but more desire to be good.

Given the opportunity,

I don’t know maybe I still would.

Perhaps being a cunt,

is in my blood.

Perhaps circumstances made me and if it wasn’t for those,

I’d choose not to, rather than just because I could.

I’m not sad when I think back,

and here’s the reason.

I don’t think we fell in love.

We loved the feeling.

We made each other,

feel so appealing.

Provided what we needed,

spiritual and sexual healing.

I used to make you no.1,

recently I couldn’t and your response had so much meaning.

Without that top of the world position,

I wasn’t worth an evening.

I wasn’t worth any of your time,

the floor became my ceiling.

I’ll always maintain you were my karma,

my reality check, my call back to earth.

With you somehow,

I got what I deserved.

A taste of your own medicine,

is always bound to hurt.

I regretted nothing.

But, now perhaps the last kiss.

We used to connect through our souls,

that last however was just our lips.

I used to feel dizzy from a touch,

this time I’d be lying if I said I did.

I’m still grateful for the experience,

you were a pleasure to break rules with.

This isn’t the way I imagined,

or desired to live.

Regardless of my faults I’m a man,

I’d look up to if I was still a kid.

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Oops

—interjection

used to express mild dismay, chagrin, surprise, etc.,

I want to just be your friend,

I really want to believe I can.

But I know myself,

I’m a weak man.

I don’t know if I’ll ever stop,

being your biggest fan.

From that moment in the corridor,

is where this all began,

I’ve been in awe ever since;

our entire lifespan.

You shook my world,

I should have just ran.

Falling to the bottom,

was never part of the plan.

I wasn’t to know,

you were my perfect woman.

You fucking broke me!

But it’s my responsibility to try and fix.

All because I couldn’t say no,

to a kiss.

Like a moth to a flame,

I was drawn to your lips.

At the mere sight of your name,

my heart still skips.

Down memory lane,

I still take trips.

Walking through the park hand in hand,

is where I found happiness.

I could never get enough,

that was obvious.

If we’re saying friends,

is that after the first time?

Because after so long — not hugging and kissing,

would be a crime.

You expect me to behave,

if your eyes are on mine?

I’m supposed to ignore the chemistry,

with a woman so fine?

I’m kidding myself if I think I can hold back,

forever.

I used to think I had control,

my growth is realising I never.

I can’t resist the person I’ve found,

knowing there is none better.

Allowing her to walk out my life a second time,

I’m not sure I can let her.

She’s been in my head and my heart,

from almost the moment I met her.

This probably isn’t what you want to hear,

but it’s the truth I’m unpackin’.

I want to be friends with a sprinkle of oops,

that wasn’t supposed to happen.

[bracketedmorality]

Before

—conjunction

previous to the time when

Before her;

I never had to keep a desire locked so deep inside. Before her;

my answers to questions were certainly different in mind.

No. I don’t think there are a pair of lips designed,

perfectly for mine.

How could it even be possible to look at someone,

and slow down time?!

Of course no one,

can take away my shine.

I do not agree,

love is not blind.

After an eternity,

a quandary is where I find,

my current location to be,

and where one now seems to reside.

Brain loaded with information I thought needed;

maybe it was best left behind.

Considering all I want to do now,

is press rewind.

I said I know better — the outcome,

I’ve already resigned.

It doesn’t stop her from,

consuming head space.

I close my eyes at night,

and all I see is her face.

I surrendered everything,

agreed we’ll go at her pace.

Sloooooow and steady,

is supposed to win the race,

although I’m ready,

I’m currently in last place.

Nice guys finish last — I’m not eligible,

so this isn’t the case.

I fell — like it was inevitable;

as if I was running with an untied lace.

I know I can’t be the winner,

for once I’m not trying to replace.

I’m trying to do the universe justice because every kiss that isn’t shared,

(with her) in my eyes is a waste.

[bracketedmorality]

sick of writing about unrequited love

but also

i’m more sick of feeling it too

and the self inflicted abuse

pls tell me

what’s the use

but i can’t cry

or let anyone in

FUCK THAT

so i write it out

but i’m sick of this hole

in place of my heart

why can’t it let me go

this unrequited void

has swallowed me whole

// Ophydia

—

[bracketedmorality]

I am your casualty. 🤕

Translate

Happiness sat on our shelves

And expired

Before we ever had the chance

To gift it

_ _ _, we’re going to be old

Before we ever feed our souls

Again

I try not to mourn it

I know you wouldn’t want me to

(Think less of you)

And I don’t

But I am your casualty

And you are my salvation

Christ on a cracker, do you think we’d ever learn

That one cannot dance with both feet forward?

You lead, I follow

I come, you go

And so on and so forth,

Across time and

The universe

I will find you...

Bend every atom to scatter light like a beacon

It may be ultraviolet

But if you listen

You will feel it close

Morse codex, morose

I am not writing the contest of my very soul

Just to lose you...

_________________________________

Maureen Armstrong @haikkun

[bracketedmorality]

I need another dose 💉

[bracketedmorality]

Worth

—preposition

1. good or important enough to justify (what is specified)

— noun

1. excellence of character or quality as commanding esteem

2. usefulness or importance, as to the world, to a person, or for a purpose

If I ever told you that I needed you,

I lied.

I’ve made it through some of the toughest times in my life,

with no one by my side.

Although it’s true,

I’ve had some that were down to ride.

I’ve encountered individuals that were determined,

to break my stride,

those that thought I was built,

on a foundation of pride.

I’ve never sought it out, but just know you’ll lose,

if we ever collide.

Pretending to be something I’m not,

Lord knows I’ve tried.

I’ve failed and picked myself up,

I’ve broke down and cried.

I’ve bitten my tongue in many situations,

and learnt how to let things slide.

I’ve carried the world on my shoulders for years,

forgive me for being fried.

Forgive me for not thinking of others,

and being selfishness personified.

I believed what people told me,

I was let down when I relied.

I gave my all in everything,

and was ignored when I replied.

I’ve got scars all over my mental,

I use them to remind.

If you’re ever fortunate to discover,

I’m the diamond in the dirt you’ve been blessed to find.

[bracketedmorality]

Grateful

—adjective

pleasing to the mind or senses; agreeable or welcome; refreshing

I’m grateful.

She popped up,

to confirm it wasn’t fake.

Now she’s back to being elusive,

not sure how much more I can take.

She says circumstances took over,

it was a mutual heartbreak.

After years of silence,

I was on her mind of late.

As if the feeling couldn’t be diminished,

neither of us could deny fate.

After all this time,

the connection is still great,

even if the air is tense,

with heartache.

To see her smile and hear her voice,

somehow it’s been worth the wait.

She’s still perfect,

her spell I still can’t escape.

Our lives have changed,

but she thinks I can’t relate,

like I can still stroll out when I want,

like it won’t be bait.

Like she’s the only one,

that has a lot on her plate.

Maybe I carry it different,

but we have to carry similar weight.

Now we’re at a juncture;

we have an impossible decision to make.

Selfish or selfless.

Happy or hopeless.

Do we stick,

or twist and risk going bust.

I can’t hide that I now,

have an issue with trust,

at a time like this,

loquaciousness is a must.

Knowing for sure that this,

was love and not lust,

is frustrating. The timing is off,

life isn’t fair or just.

Considering an existence without her,

was enough to make my heart combust.

But if I sit and wait for her,

I’ll probably turn to dust.

I’ve fallen back into a coma,

where I sit and try figure,

all it took was her ‘hello’?

How pathetic that was my trigger.

In the time it took for her to blush,

it couldn’t happen any quicker.

The way she makes me shine,

my smile back was even bigger.

It’s not a wonder I thought I couldn’t get by,

unless I was with her.

If I’m honest for a moment,

my light grew dimmer,

without her presence in my life,

I started to wither.

She was my Prometheus;

my fire giver.

But now I’m my own moment of clarity,

I shouldn’t have to convince her!

The magnitude we have to lose,

each other we cannot choose.

I haven’t changed, I haven’t grown up,

they’re the charges of which I’m accused.

In my defence,

happiness and love is why I pursued.

Hands down I’ve never felt like this,

the reason I refused,

to let her go so easily,

when she left me confused,

about the authenticity of the experience,

after her absconding ensued.

I don’t blame her.

I love her to a depth,

even I can’t comprehend,

I survived without her but I’m scared,

this time she’ll cause damage I can’t mend.

I want her so badly,

I can’t pretend.

However, I’m fooling myself by not accepting,

this is the end.

For my own sanity I must declare,

arrivederci my friend.

[bracketedmorality]

Selfish

—adjective

devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one's own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others.

Showing up randomly, with the facade that you care. You thinking about someone other than yourself, I imagine is rare. I don’t need your pretence, I need it laid bare.

Even after everything. I show you a calmness you don’t deserve, not to my surprise, still no respect there. When I saw your name in my inbox, I thought how the fuck could she dare.

Lie after lie is what you told me, let’s be fair. Ellvie, I do wholeheartedly wish you all the best, but I’m not just here for you when your ego is in need of repair. I have no more to give you, even my last breath at one point with you, I’d share.

Fortunately for me, you’re no longer living in my head rent free, whether it was real or fake then, your behaviour now is clear to see.

If you ever find your big girl pants and grow up, and learn how to have a real conversation, then please show up, I’m looking for responsibility and accountability, I’m at peace with all my decisions, the truth won’t make me blow up.

Still, considering all that I know, whilst being aware there’s a lot that I don’t. I choose not to see you as the villain, but to be taken advantage of, I won’t.

However, I didn’t need your validation, I know who I was and who I am, I feel it from my core. I refuse to let your behaviour change my nature and I’ve said this before, I hope you’re treated like 24 carat gold forevermore.

To meet halfway and get the same level back was my only wish.

Forever the optimist.

As we both recognise there’s no chance: because you’re too selfish.

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I try to see the good in everyone.

But struggle to see the good in myself.

I know just the right words to say to people.

But can’t let them see, I need their help.

Recognise exactly what I ought to do.

But in the face of temptation, I melt.

Tell whoever will listen — you’ve got this!

But I can’t handle the cards I was dealt.

[bracketedmorality]

Finale

As this chapter in my life concludes, I can’t help but become philosophical and ponderous. Meeting Ellvie, was both the worst and best experience of my life so far. Worst because sadly, I don’t think I’ll obtain anything quite like the connection we had. Physically, mentally, emotionally. The more I think about it, I met my soul mate. I tried to explain to her once; I love to travel and once I was given the privilege of a free upgrade to first class. It was unreal! I’ll never stop travelling but no other journey will ever live up to that one as long as I live unless I become a millionaire. I will always love those around me, I will always live to the fullest, but nothing will live up to what I experienced with her. This is why the best experience is the worst. I have that everlasting comparison. Please don’t misconstrue this, I’m not comparing people, I’m comparing how it feels. Feeling free and happy compared to trapped and content or carefree to responsibility laden.

When she decided to disappear, she saved me from myself. I’d have never been able to walk away from something like this.

It was the best because life found a new meaning. I felt transformed. It was a new experience that was refreshing and exciting. I was shown what potential, love had: that type of deep; over powering, intoxicating love. I’ve known love, I’ve been loved. Just not like this. I’m disappointed in myself for letting things get as far as they did, but as I did, I’m grateful of the growth and lessons that have ensued as a result. It really fucking hurt like hell mind you.

I won’t forget Ellvie. I can’t regret Ellvie either. I just have to say goodbye to Ellvie.

Chapter closed.

We loved it — John Legend feat. Seal 🎧

[bracketedmorality]

Lost

—Adjective

3. having gone astray or missed the way; bewildered as to place, direction, etc.

9. distracted; distraught; desperate; hopeless.

Heartbroken,

maybe ego bruised,

I never thought I’d be so naive,

to be used.

The fact I was ready to leave,

has left me confused.

Imagine having your world ruined,

and not being able to tell the closest to you because their trust you abused.

Although they know something is a miss;

your usual demeanour — removed.

Your usual cheerful exterior — consumed.

I’ve fallen off track, I’m lost,

will steady progress in life resume?

Doubts about who I am?

I’ve had a few.

Not because I cheated;

because I lack a compassionate view.

Why is it that I’m able to go behind her back the way I do?

How can I do all that fuckery,

and be classed as a good person too?

I’m a terrible person,

I know this to be true.

I have been for a long time,

my comeuppance is overdue.

The part where I struggle is,

if I don’t confess does that mean I can never be new?

I’m going to be the same old me,

so do I just continue?

I’ve always longed for the truth,

and I’ve always feared it.

If I could be honest that’d be a weight off,

what life would be like if I took my conscience and cleared it.

At the same time my world would come tumbling down,

completely decimated.

The route to an easy life is complicated,

I’m a coward who can’t tell the truth,

although I’m obligated.

I have excuses and reasoning,

but essentially I’m avoiding the consequence of the shit I created.

Monogamy,

completely underrated.

Probably not for me,

since I’ve never demonstrated,

having one girl and totally concentrated.

I want to be a good man,

I just don’t know how.

Admitting you have a problem;

step one — I guess I’m starting now.

If only my motivation was intrinsic,

rather than I was flying high and got shot down.

[bracketedmorality]

[bracketedmorality]

🤔

it really blows me that people still think that personal compatibility doesn’t matter, and the key to getting a partner is being a ‘good guy’ or ‘good girl’

you can do literally everything society tells you you should as a woman to hold a man down, and if a man doesn’t fuck with you he’ll still cheat, all while taking advantage of what you’re offering

and you can be the nicest fucking guy, and even be handsome, but if a woman is not feeling you and the chemistry is not there, nothing is going to happen

like, we really need to prioritize developing actual chemistry with people and having shit in common and not basing your decision to date people on what they ‘bring to the table’ and whether they fit this standard of what a good person is

[bracketedmorality]

Separation

—noun

1. an act or instance of separating or the state of being separated.

2. a place, line, or point of parting.

3. a gap, hole, rent, or the like.

4. something that separates or divides.

He worshipped the ground she walked on,

she was a goddess to him in fact,

he confessed his desires and sins to her,

but now it’s time to backtrack.

He said some stupid heartfelt things without care,

the problem with words is that you can’t ever retract.

He’s not sure however,

if he’d do it any different if he had the opportunity to reenact.

With all the foresight and experience,

he’d play the same role with the house packed.

Right up until,

the moment it cracked.

Cue the thunder and the rain.

His smile circling the drain.

The natural response when told to refrain,

from what had become life away from life to distance from the pain.

Somehow she still manages to distract but that’s due the fact,

her memory carries it’s own strain.

It’s like no matter what he does,

he can’t shift it — the scar will still remain.

He can close his eyes,

but the images are imprinted on his brain.

No matter what he does,

he still loses his breath at the sound of her name.

But I can’t complain.

Because he and I,

we ain’t the same.

He’s a different guy,

that’s my claim.

I don’t play with fire,

I just admire the flame.

If I did and got burnt,

I’d have myself to blame.

It’d probably be quite embarrassing,

and I don’t know if I could handle the shame.

I’m a cool guy,

that kind of slip up would drive me insane.

I’m not silly enough to allow someone under my skin,

for them to become integral like artery and vein.

He lost a part of him when she left,

never to return — she won’t let him collect.

It’s like he sold his soul,

but somehow has an un-payable debt.

He exchanged everything he had for nothing,

a deal only a fool would accept.

A deal resembling desperation,

poor fool where’s his self respect?

If that was me,

I wouldn’t even need to protect.

I’d keep my feelings to myself,

just in the physical I’d connect.

I’m not driven by pride or ego,

but it’s not my forte dealing with a wall of reject.

I’m supposed to be arrogant,

so I’m not well versed with that aspect.

If I’d have gone through what he did I’d be devastated,

sledge hammer to ant effect.

But that was him, and I am me.

Emotional separation concept.

[bracketedmorality]

I know it sounds dark/ but I wish, whoever’s got your heart/ would turn crazy and rip it apart/ that’s when I would walk by and pick up the pieces/ like excuse me beautiful, hey, do you need this/ Put it back together (again)/put a rap together (again)/ Promise you you'll never go through this ever again.

Sway — month in the summer