candid-candy-and-compassion-blog

[candid-candy-and-compassion-blog]

It’s nice to not see you again!

Those of you who know me probably know by now that I went blind in my right eye over Christmas break. What a gift, eh? I said I’d blog about the experience because I figured I’ll either A: be able to look at this later in life and remember the rough patch I went through or B: help someone else who is going through a scary time in their life, too. I decided to open back up my old Tumblr blog that I never ended up doing anything with because I’m kind of proud of the other posts and I’m not so secretly hoping people will read those, too. For those of you who don’t know me, hopefully I won’t scare you away. haha Anyway, If you’re here to read about my current predicament then buckle up buttercup, because this post is going to be long and informative. 

Backstory on my eyeballs:

WELL, I’ve had trouble with my eyes my entire life. Born with cataracts (basically a milky monster that latches onto the lens in your eye and you can see about as far as anyone who walks outside in Steven King’s “The Mist”.) You generally see old people and old dogs with the milky film over their eye... it’s unusual to see this condition in younger people. (THANKS GENETICS) Luckily I had a great Ophthalmologist as a child and had surgery in Elementary School that helped me see like a “normal person”.

I was also born nearsighted/severely myopic, meaning I can’t see anything real well unless it’s a foot away from my face and my eyes are basically egg or football shaped instead of round. (Once again, YAY genetics!) 

Since my eyes are elongated, I’ve always been at risk for retinal detachment. I’ve been limited my whole life in fear of losing my eyesight... No contact sports because a hit to my head could make me go blind. No contacts after my surgeries as a child because I might get an infection and go blind, etc. I have a lot of scar tissue from the surgeries and stretching of my eyes over the years.

How did I lose the sight in my right eye?

Mid-November I was working at a call center and realized one day that my vision was WAY worst than normal. I was seeing what appeared to be black ash constantly falling across my vision and weird tentacle-like floaters constantly stretching in and out of my vision. I left work early to and took a cab to a local Ophthalmologist because I couldn’t see good enough to feel safe driving. I found out at the appointment that I had (as I understood, this is what I was told) a vitreous hemorrhage due to a burst blood vessel behind my eye, which means that the blood had leaked into my eyes. Also, because of (or in addition to, they couldn’t say for sure) I had other fluid leaking into my eye. I was told to take it easy for a few days. Below is an example of a vitreous hemorrhage (sorry I couldn’t find a bigger picture):

Thanksgiving was a few days later so I ended up taking an entire week off of work and 90% of the problem had gone away. During that time, I ended up with the worst migraine of my life and ended up in the hospital sick as a dog. We aren’t sure if the two were related but it was scary. Luckily, It only took a few days to recover from that. Relieved, I went back to work for a while. I ended up quitting my job because the stress of everything was too much. I started the job search and went cleaning crazy on the apartment.

December came around and I still didn’t have a job but was receiving my last few paychecks from my previous jobs. On the 19th, I had an appointment with the Ophthalmologist that I had to cancel because I didn’t have the fund since I was going to be visiting family in Mississippi. On the 18th I’d noticed what I thought was some more fluid in the top right of my peripheral vision in my right eye and didn’t worry much because I figured it would go away on its own... and I thought it did. 

Around the 22nd or 23rd I noticed the whole outside peripheral vision had started disappearing (it looked like a dark fluid was slowly creeping into my vision and every now and then I’d see what looked like bright glow worms scoot across the affected area) so I called the Ophthalmologist back home in Idaho and an appointment was made for January second.

By the 24th over a third of my vision was taken over by the dark liquid.

By the 26th I had half my vision. The fluid was forming into a backwards “C” so I could at least still see looking straight forward.

By the 28th, my flight back home to Idaho, I had less than a third of my vision.

On the 29th, the day that I was supposed to ride with my boyfriend’s brother and his fiancé to meet my boyfriend and his parents, I watched my vision completely disappear into the dark liquid in a series of a few hours. Everything had a weird, almost dark green-brown tint, I could no longer read, and the only things I could make out for sure was distorted lights. The fluid looked like bubbles constantly crashing around and little firecrackers constantly flickering about my vision. 

By the 2nd, the day of my appointment, it was mostly darkness with a few lights here and there. Now I was experiencing tenderness to the touch and my eye felt real irritated. Needless to say, I was scared. But, still very hopeful.

THE APPOINTMENT *dun dun duuuuuunnnn!*

My boyfriend drove me to my appointment at 10:30 in the morning and I was feeling real hopeful. I’d done a lot of research online - which, by the way, is usually a terrible idea.... seriously... - and it seemed like everything I could possibly be faced with was curable to a certain extent. When the nurse first started checking my vision, she was surprised by my lack of sight. She literally stood in front of me with my left eye covered and waved her hand back and forth madly - which I couldn’t see - and quickly made some notes and went to get the doctor. 

When the doctor arrived, I cheerily welcomed him with a “How nice to not see you again, Doctor!” (Boyfriend’s words. He’s the funny one.) No reaction. I was a bit disappointed. He did all sorts of tests, they took pictures of my eyes, and I was given a diagnosis:

1: Possible full retinal detachment. 

2: The lens in my eye has come loose and there is possible cataract residue leftover from surgery. That may be why my eye is so tender and inflamed. 

3: The pressure in my right eye reads at a startling 5 while my lift eye is an alarming 23. Normal eye pressure ranges from 12-22. They were a little more than concerned.

I was sent to a retina specialist two hours away in Boise the same day to discuss surgery. After they received my records and did tests of their own, they came up with the same diagnosis, plus option for surgeries. 

Surgery options:

I require surgery to reattach my retina where they will inject an oil into my eye to push the retinal walls back to where they belong in hopes that it will reattach. While working on my retina, they will either stitch my loose lens into place or remove it completely, depending on what happens during surgery. Around the same time, possibly the same day, they want to use a laser in the retina of my left eye in hopes the same thing that happened in my right eye won’t happen to my left eye. That’s all I can remember for sure that the retinal specialist told me. 

As for paying for the surgeries... well... My boyfriend and I were told I couldn’t have the surgeries until I had at least half of the money. The receptionist told us we would probably be responsible for around $1500 up front but we weren’t told for sure yet. The retinal specialist office reached out to an affiliate to see if they can help get me financial assistance and we are supposed to hear back anywhere between next months to two months from now. They also sent my records to another organization in Salt Lake that can hopefully offer me financial assistance as well as do the surgeries. 

What now?

Honestly, we are overwhelmed. It’s a mad dash to find funding through local organizations, find work if possible, and reconsider going back to school this semester like I originally planned. If I don’t return to school, I’ve got to file an extension for my student loans, if I can’t work then I can’t pay for medical costs, every healthcare application is like a million pages long, and its difficult to read... BUT I will make it! I have an amazing support system and know that God is going to take care of me. I know He doesn’t put us through anything we can’t handle and i keep that in mind. There have been times in my past that I didn’t see how I would get through the hardships mentally and emotionally yet somehow I’m here! My faith, my friends and family, and my loyal pooch and ESA (Emotional Support Animal) have helped me through everything. 

Final Notes:

I started a GoFundMe page after several friends suggested doing so. I set the goal for $1500 until we know for sure how much will need to be raised. Maybe that is how you found this blog, maybe you came here from Facebook. Either way, just reading this is helpful for me because writing is therapeutic. Know that  if you are friend or family, I love you and you keep me strong. If you don’t know me, then let’s become acquainted! Don’t hesitate to reach out to me!

I need to say a huge thank you to so many people already!

To all my donors on my GoFundMe page:

R B

Ethan Richards

Courtland Pearson

Victoria Greenwood

Aimee Walters

Natalie Moseley

Kacey Croney

Anonymous A

Darian Merritt

Vu Nguyen

Karen Horsley

Cameron Moesta

Claire Hautot

You’re all an incredible blessing!

[candid-candy-and-compassion-blog]

Monsters

Like most kids, I grew up afraid of monsters. Unlike most kids, it wasn’t the monsters under my bed or in my closet that scared me. No, the monsters that truly terrified me were the ones who looked like my neighbor, the grocer, a teacher, the cop I passed by each morning, even the person who slept in the next room. Because of a few unfortunate events in my early childhood, I learned that the real monsters were humans. The scariest part was that I couldn’t tell the monsters from the good guys.

While other kids were afraid of garish creatures with fangs, horns, scales, too much fur, and maybe something that oozed or smelled horrible, I was afraid of anyone I didn’t know. Sure, a part of me believed werewolves, trolls, dragons, etc. were real, but I could spot them in a crowd. They were less scary because I didn’t see and talk to them every day. If I encountered a fairytale creature, whether good or bad, it would have been a blessing.

��I read all the books; I knew that vampires couldn’t get near crosses, that witches couldn’t go over running water, and that silver bullets killed werewolves. I knew that salt was a defense against many evil creatures and that holy water would protect me from demons. Aliens might attack, but they would first land in the desert or metro cities… at least according to the movies. That stuff was easy. The hard part was deciphering the good humans from the bad. How was I supposed to fight a monster if they were so good at blending in?

Humans don’t scare me as much today. Now that I’m an adult, I know how to defend myself so strangers aren’t as scary. I love the human race and I’m constantly moved by the amazing things we accomplish. I try my best to smile at almost everyone I pass by, with the hopes that my one smile will brighten their day. I give compliments as often as possible because I know the affect a few nice words can have on a person’s day - heck - even their week. Everyone I pass is now an imperfect human who has all the same emotions as me, who do good and bad and live with their choices.

Now the monsters are a lot smaller than before. Now the monsters are in my head. Fear, doubt, anger, terror, anxiety, and every other negative emotion that we all battle daily are now my monsters. You see, when you experience trauma, whether as a child or an adult, it changes you in ways that sometimes you just can’t explain; Add in hereditary mental health issues and BAM! You’ve got a brain juice cocktail of crazy that no alien would dare slurp on. 

From the outside, I look like anyone else. That is, until I have a melt down. Lucky for you, I’m able to hide it very well until I can get somewhere safe, away from people. While I look for a safe place, many of you will just see someone rushing to get somewhere important. Maybe I look like I’m panicked because of a test, or maybe look like I’m late for something important. You won’t see my hands trembling, hear my heart as it tries to beat out of my chest. You don’t feel the tension in all my muscles, especially my chest or see how everything gets blurry as my limbs get heavy, like I’m walking through thick pudding. You don’t feel the temperature in the room rising or hear the roar of blood rushing through my ears.

You see, the monsters are in my head. Now I am the monster, and let me tell you, it’s not fun. Some people say I’m strong, and I know somewhere deep in my brain that I am, but none of you know how weak I feel all the time.

What are your monsters like?

[candid-candy-and-compassion-blog]

Oreos and Anxiety

I know the first or second post on a blog is usually supposed to be an introduction post but I’ve never done things the “normal” way. Instead, I’m going to write about Oreos. 

Why Oreos?

My dad loves to say “take two and call me in the morning” every time he catches my brother or I reaching for the Oreos on top of the fridge. We always roll our eyes and sometimes let out a chuckle just to make him happy. Truthfully, I'm sick of hearing it. Truthfully, I also love hearing it.

Today I managed to sneak in and out of the kitchen with a handful of Oreos without my dad noticing. Halfway through my Oreo ritual he walks into the room and notices the cookies on my desk. Instead of saying his usual phrase, he stared - flabbergasted - and yelled “You ruined the cookies!” and walked right back out of the room. I still don’t know what his reason was for visiting my room.

Why did he say I ruined them?

First off, I’m not a huge fan of Oreos, but I do eat them if they’re presented to me. I have a very specific ritual for eating most junk food. I’m not OCD but I have very strong OCD tendencies. As a child, I never thought my eating habits were weird but over the years friends and family have pointed out my unusual eating habits.

How do I eat my Oreos?

Ninety-nine percent of the time I grab 5 Oreos. I don’t even know why; I just do. 

I always grab a paper towel and a glass of milk (never filled all the way up). 

Once I find a comfy place to eat the cookies, I separate the filling from the two cookie wafers and put the separated parts into stacks. 

I always dunk each individual cookie half into my milk and eat them, drink most of the milk, then slowly eat the filling.

Finally, I drink the last few sips of milk.

Why do I eat my Oreos like this?

Truthfully, I couldn’t give you one specific reason. (That would be a blog post of its own!) This process just makes me happy. After some serious thinking, I believe I am beginning to understand why I eat junk food the way I do. To start: 

1: I suffer from PTSD, Bipolar, and ADHD. 

With this comes constant anxiety and bouts of depression. I spend a lot of my day exhausted because of how much my mind races. I often feel helpless and out of control emotionally. This basically affects everything I do in one way or another.

2: Because I can.

‘Nuff said.

3: Food is one of the few things I can control. 

When I feel like I can’t control anything else in my life, I can control what and how I eat. I get a weird sense of satisfaction when I see my cookies in two separate stacks, and when I see both stacks gone. It was my choice to separate them and my choice to eat them. No one else told me how and when to do it. (Maybe I have a problem with authority? haha) 

So what’s the point of this blog? Why should you care?

I swear I have a reason for writing this (besides needing a good brain dump). The point of this post is that it’s ok to be different and to have weird little quirks. I’ve felt embarrassed by my habits multiple times because of people’s reactions; no longer will I allow myself to feel bad about something so insignificant. From now on I will laugh along with my friends because heck, it makes me happy! 

Don’t be embarrassed by who you are. Be proud of what you do. Your quirks make you unique. 

If you need that put into perspective, think of an actor and one of their most well-known roles. Let’s say... Johnny Depp as Captain Jack Sparrow. 

The role is iconic! Everyone who’s seen the movie has tried at one point or another to mimic the way that he walks and runs. That is a quirk that Depp chose for Jack Sparrow and it was a hit! What if Depp was too afraid to act too outrageously? The character of Jack wouldn’t have been nearly as entertaining to watch. His walk, facial expressions, and even the way he talked made the character who he is. Unique. 

If you accept who you are, then I guarantee you that eventually you will come to love yourself. Just think, someone you know loves you just the way you are! So eat your Oreos however makes you happy. Just allow yourself to be happy, period!

[candid-candy-and-compassion-blog]

Mental “Illness”

Mental "illness" due to traumatic events is ridiculous. It's like...

Brain: "oh no, my body experienced *insert traumatic event here* and felt this emotion and these terrible thoughts! From now on, my body must continually think these thoughts and feel these emotions!"

Brain some time after the event: "Forget normal feelings, the more extreme, the better!" *maniacally laughs*

Nervous system: "BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE! We can't be left out, so let's add nearly crippling physical side effects so that you really look and feel crazy!"

Scientists: "We have created drugs to help you crazy people! Here, get addicted and enjoy! Oh, but you may get crazier, feel even crappier, oh, and uh... die. See you next month!"

Dramatic side of society: "Derp, I feel yucky today. I OBVIOUSLY have *insert diagnosis here"

Know it-all society who has never experienced anything real traumatic: "*insert diagnosis here* isn't real. It was made up by doctors and people who are lazy and pitiful"

Me: "I just want to feel like a normal human being..."

((DISCLAIMER: I'm fine, and actually happy at the moment. I’m just annoyed wth my brain right now and having to explain what’s wrong with me every single semester. So, yeah. Sorry for the mental dump.))