carcauguss

[carcauguss]

[carcauguss]

transgenderism is such a weird phenomenon. i swear to god that i'm trans and then i sit in my chair and question if i'm only a fake. i sob over my dysphoria and then turn around and wonder if i'm a girl in disguise. imposter syndrome is so much worse than people will tell you. i am forced to hide my concerns and worries from everyone because if i express them they will tell me that "it's just a phase" and "i knew you were faking". i'm a boy, i want to be a boy, but then i see girls and think "goddammit am i making a mistake?" this is for the trans people who second guess themselves into delusion and craziness. this is for the trans people who never did anything in the past because they thought that they had to be solid in their transness to transition. transgenderism is not linear and in a world like ours of course it's going to be fucking hard. it's going to suck. but we have each other and we will make it out alive.

[carcauguss]

TW!!! gender dysphoria

i will never be a real fucking boy. i can't even see myself as a boy and it hurts me to think about. "when i remember that i'm transmasc" i can't fucking forget that i'm transmasc. it's always here, and i'm never all the way there anymore. i'm a boy but the overhead mental camera shows me my face and tells me i'm a fucking fake. my nails are too long. my mustache too short. my hair not scruffy enough. my muscles too small. i'm not fucking enough and i'm sure that this is another bough of dysphoria's fuckass tree but i'm so tired of this. i'm so damn tired. fuck, fuck, fuck, this is all wrong. i'm typing this knowing damn well that it doesn't matter. no matter what i do, i can't change anything. fuck, whatever. i just need to make it a few more years and then i'll be on testosterone. i'm going to take back his childhood. i'm going to be buried in a goddamned suit if it's the last fucking wish i have.

[carcauguss]

my stupid fucking ass might have almost just downloaded viruses while trying to get minecraft shaders wtf

god its too late for this

[carcauguss]

transgenderism is such a weird concept to explain to people. i also have no clue why i'm a freak, sorry, have a nice day and shut the fuck up about things that don't concern you????

[carcauguss]

hey fellow trans people, i'm just here to say that i am very confused. i'm transmasculine but currently struggling because i keep thinking about being a girl. i know this is probably just imposter syndrome on a higher level than usual but it feels wrong because i suppose i don't entirely hate girlhood on me???? i don't know. i'm very sleepy and might edit this later when i'm awake.

[carcauguss]

grounding

to anyone who hasn't yet been introduced to the world of grounding, i promise you it's worth it. i stepped out into the dirt and rock with bare feet today, let the earth be beneath my heel, and i now remember why i exist. be human, step into nature, find a patch of grass and walk barefoot. you won't regret it. (unless a bug bites you, but be nice to them and they'll probably spare you)

[carcauguss]

please for the love of all that is holy create art because it's human, not because its good. a trip to a small music event in my local park yesterday rekindled my joy for humanity and life itself. i sat there with one of my best friends ever and drew his face, listening to a woman sing, trying very hard to get his nose right but the sun kept moving and changing how the light sat on his face. keep making art because you enjoy the process and find it fulfilling rather than a mandatory.

[carcauguss]

me after committing transgenderism TWICE

[carcauguss]

am i going to regret reminding you this site exists. bc the crisises im going throigh rn are not giving me faith

yes, yes you are very much going to regret it. what crises, may i ask?

this site is gold, genuinely, but i also sincerely regret accidentally setting my age at 18. the sights that have graced my eyes are NOT holy and despite my recent rant i am tempted to become a good son of god now

[carcauguss]

Read Hell Followed With Us pls 🙏🙏🙏

i'll consider that one, hollow

[carcauguss]

son

just saw a post saying: i love my dad but i need to hear him say "i'm proud of you, son"

that one stung a little, damn. he calls me kiddo, which is already better than my mom calling me sweets, but jesus christ it would feel good to be called his son.

[carcauguss]

bird's eye

i thought that cutting my hair off would fix it. i thought that wearing a binder would fix it. i thought that growing my mustache would fix it. i thought that telling them all would fix it. i thought that a therapist would fix it.

so why, even though i know damn well i'm a boy, does my mental overhead camera still reflect a woman? my stupid fucking mental image of myself is of a woman and all that i can do to fix it is wait, wait, wait, wait.

i'm a guy, i swear, i swear, i swear, i swear.

but the stupid cameras, this damned reality tv show, still reflects my image back contorted and twisted. i don't recognize the woman in the mirror. she's not me anymore. am i so parasitical to wish for a new vessel, sobbing into my pillow?

i'll shoot down the damned bird that views me from the back of my mind i promise i will she's dead to me. the vessel keeps waking up again god, sedate her again fuck, why can't she just lie still and accept it? i'm not her anymore, i never fucking was. doctors, please, just another pill. please, put me down. god, please. either give me a draught of foxglove or a testosterone injection. this vessel is killing me again, oh god, please help

that stupid bird is at it again

[carcauguss]

please god don't read this one if you're heavily religious (or do, i can't stop you)

i am not religious and hardly grew up as such, but the idea of organized religion is sort of fascinating to me in an existential sense. is it not strange to anyone else how people can follow a book? looking past obvious cultural normalization of these things, it's really weird to me. the idea of a punishment or reward after death is such an inherently human concept and that is why i don't think it exists. our morals, wrong and right, are built on primal instinct and survival motive. why is killing a bug right and killing a human wrong? you could twist the narrative to say the opposite, but then you're tampering with human instinct. heaven and hell, purgatory, jesus christ and his reincarnation? they all make, under the surface level of "most people are religious", zero sense to me. i don't believe in higher power because i believe that we ARE the power. we built ourselves from ground up. what came before the start of the universe is none of my personal concern and i am very happy to stare at each blade of grass and feel glad that i exist. the eternal search for greater meaning is in itself meaningless because meaning is another skewed human concept.

to sum that all up, religion is an inherently human construct and you should live your life as humanly as possible instead of being constantly afraid of something unproveable. (also not normalizing things that are harmful to others!!! religion is still useful in some aspects because it teaches people to be kind. i'd just love for there to be no exceptions and damnation to the scapegoats and outliers)

[carcauguss]

god made grapes so that humans could make wine.

"my voice isn't right god, no, i knew this would happen! i made the mistake of speaking and now they all know every single one that i'm a fake. i'm not a real boy, am i? that's weird. i vividly remember telling god that it would make me happy to be a man. was he drunk? misclick? wrong button? that's funny. that can't be right. hey, god? why'd you do that, bud? not cool, man. i thought we were friends! compadres, even! did it all mean nothing to you?"

"no, child," god spoke, eyes crinkling as he watched me sink to my knees, "no, you are not my friend, i am afraid. you are my brethren."

"god, how can this be true?" i asked, staring at him. "i was yours, god. you molded me with your bare hands, sculpted each feature and painted on each freckle, and i'm not your friend? how can that be?"

"because, dear child," he spoke, very softly, "to admit you as my friend would be to admit you equal. i gave you the power to sculpt your own destiny, fight your own battles, choose your own body. hrt, son. is it not the most wonderful of human creation?"

"you'd leave me weaponless, misunderstood, dying by the hand of your own force, god?" i mumbled, head spinning.

"no, my son, you aren't listening," he breathed.

"I left you with a taste of divinity. To be divine is to create. Divinity is knowing that you cannot make them believe you, even if you know that you are correct. Do not let them revoke what makes you you, because in doing so you will lose what makes you holy."

[carcauguss]

boyhood

you know that feeling that you get when a song hits you just right? that feeling when every single sound goes the way you want it to without fail? you have corners, and this song just slid into it like the bouncing roku sign on old tvs did. rare moment, but you feel such an immense satisfaction that maybe you'll bop your head or crack a grin. thats how those rare moments of untainted gender euphoria feel. sprinkled throughout the frontlines of dysphoria and the minefield of existentialism, you truly truly feel like a boy.

take it, boy. you deserve to feel happy like that.

[carcauguss]

does nobody else find it peculiar how our best comes from our worst?

when we are left with nothing, rotting and gone, hardly corpses, we achieve the most incredible things. my poetry was best at my lowest. almost every artist that drops a heartbreakingly good debut album gets worse because that album was pent-up emotion and the rest after is passion. negativity is truly our most amazing and human section of emotions and i'm not entirely sure why. my depressive art is filled with so much meaning and truth and yet i've never come close since? this isn't supposed to be entirely pessimistic, merely observant.