ccnsenescere

[ccnsenescere]

off in the distance, the hollow, pained screams of his heart echo in his memory. he stands in hopes to rid himself of nervous energy but the drain of his blood into his legs has him seeing copper and smelling iron. a swallow moves through his trachea, his shoulder finds the nearest archway - abdullah's eyes the distant room in front of him while his sister's words, although comprehensible, sound muffled and far away as if she truly were under water. "and in the mean time? should we allow rebels to murder people in the name of peace? to torture and take from us, innocent in our nobility, every shred of humanity we still cling to? rebels are not peaceful, cora, you and i are examples of such a thing, scotland is an example of such a thing." the people of the reckoning were an example as well but he swallows it with a sigh. "i am starting to realize that those who would sacrifice themselves in the name of love do not think of the person they protect; if you were to die for me, i would not go a day without feeling guilty for being alive at your expense." he understood it now, why cailean angered so quickly every time he stood between a sword and them; to have someone die in his honour would be similar to him being the one to deliver the final blow. it would feel like murder. "i apologize if my thoughts sting, sister, however, they are, after-all, only thoughts. after the reckoning, and this chaos, i am merely tired of the opinion that peace can only be attained through violence."

❝  you  mistake  confusion  for  anger.  ❞  yet  there was a sting born solely out of the knowledge that he would not care what happened to her, karolina, or cailean so long as he obtained the quiet life he spoke of. a harsh realization. the brother she'd viewed as a protector was seemingly no more.   ❝ if that's the life you wish for then i truly hope you will find it. ❞   a quiet life had never called to her, rebel or not.   ❝ but it's in part due to people with a passion for rebellion, who fight for change, that such a life would one day be attainable. i cannot forget how the late king's greed poisoned scotland, and i worry that his children have positioned us for a war of succession where people will be forced to fight and die simply so someone can wear a crown. ❞   words, lacking any frusteration, were spoken as barely a whisper. in the brief silence that followed, a lump formed in her throat.   ❝ and maybe i am hurt, brother, knowing i would risk my life to keep you safe but you would let me drown. ❞

[ccnsenescere]

there were no lessons in war, abdullah thought. if there were, more monarchs and military commanders would try everything in their power to avoid it. "the rebellion has worked tirelessly for years to no avail, monarchs continue to press for answers of deaths and catastrophes that still remain answerless yet we all still believe that, whatever side we are loyal, the opposite remains incorrect. war, then, seems like the only viable option to silence our opponent." the ex-commander muses to a part of him that had also been one to suggest war for defence in lal qila. a shrug shakes his shoulders. "we have two options, 'lina." the eldest says with a worried sigh. "we either join the fight or we walk away for our own sanity. i suppose, it is whatever we can live with."

comfort evaded them and it could not be found anywhere that they looked. it was an invasive feeling of helplessness which continued to attack them from all sides. they did not wish to add to this, and yet his reminders, were reminders as well for them. once, they had thought of what could have been. the life which would not be possible to live, not anymore. how much of a purpose had those thoughts served? that it had brought them here, to this moment, which seemed unavoidable? "i don't know. everyone seems so damn determined to cause war again. it's like there's no other solution. i can't bear it, really. i can't." and this was not for a lack of trying. but to watch over the family, which was now fracturing — it felt as though history was simply repeating itself. where was the lesson? "what are we going to do now?"

[ccnsenescere]

with a shuddering start, his day began. shortly after breakfast, when the sun was merely a speckle on the floor of their shared quarters and cailean had left him at the door for a meeting that they had called with the band of rebels who had accompanied them to brazil, tremors shook his hands with such a ferocity that he had worried, for a moment, that he, much like the poor woman during the pre-tribunal, had been poisoned as well. the truth was far worse. to poison, there was antidote - to terror, there was only more of it. normally able to evade such troubling thoughts and actions with the quick grasp of his lover's hand or the gentle tuck of his head into their neck in feigned sleepiness, abdullah had decided not to attend the meeting himself, leaving him alone and vulnerable to his own thoughts. like demons in possession, it did not take long for his judgement to cloud, the dark heaviness in which cailean's smile or quiet grumpiness in the middle of the night could banish crept in. abdullah's breathing had been laboured, jaw clenched, stomach rolling, but the reassurances that cailean's presence promised had led him from his spot and down to where the meeting was said to be held. what he'd found was not the comfort he'd been searching for, instead, in the middle of the scottish common room, he'd overheard the latest scandal in the scottish court; their military commander had been arrested. in his already triggered state, such a comment had convinced him that such a thing meant cailean would hang, even as the person in question's voice echoes in a fond yet curious whisper from behind him; abdullah cannot think of anything else nor reason with the terrified part of his mind. his hands keep stuffing items into his rucksack, tattered from years of use, stained from accidentally sloshing wine onto it in laughter a couple of months prior when he and cailean had made up after a long time of being apart. "we're not goin' anywhere -" his words are quick, distant, had he been thinking straight, he might've known cailean could see the sweat pooling at his hairline and feel the terror in his aura. had he been able to meet their gazes, he might've realized that fact had truly been fiction "i...i'm leaving. for watching you hang for the pointless causes you have invested in might as well be doing the same act to me. only i..somehow, will be the one who suffers more. i would ask you to come with me, to avoid your arrest once more, however, i know it will be in vain, it seems that, regardless of intention or character, those aligned against the rebels will always lose...whether metaphorical or literal. i refuse to be apart of such nonsense...."

Who: Cailean & Abdullah (@succiducus)

Their body ached, and their heart craved but one thing, to fall asleep in Abdullah’s arms. The one place where the world quieted, allowing the worries of their mind to ease enough for sleep. With a candle in one hand, Cailean traced their fingers along the wallpaper of the pitch-dark hall leading to their chamber. Would Abdullah already be in bed? Would he wake up as they entered, sleep-tousled and grumpy for being disturbed? Or would he be waiting by the warmth of the crackling fireplace? Their heart soared at the mere thought of him, regretting not leaving the meeting sooner to spend the afternoon with him. But the rebellion needed them; Scotland needed them now more than ever.

The sound of the door opening echoed in the silence of the night, causing the commander to curse under their breath in case he was already asleep. Yet, as they opened the door, they were greeted not by the inviting, sleep-tousled Abdullah. Nor was he awaiting their arrival by the fire. He seemed to be packing. With brows knitted together, Cailean closed the door behind them, shutting out the world.

“Are we goin’ somewhere?”

[ccnsenescere]

"then so be it." abdullah says, it's sting sharp and deep, gaze unable to meet his sister's. "i have wondered, many times, how life would be if i was not tied to people who have such passion for rebellion - what would it be like to gather around a table where the topic of conversation was family, honest work, and low laying gossip rather than politics. to love another who did not throw themselves into the very flame we, at one point, were trying to extinguish, to have children who remain bright-eyed and content with them, confident their parents would never leave them - it is a glorious thought, sister. a thought not brought on by anxieties or fears. i have thought that if i have to suffer such loss to feel such happiness, it would not be in vain..." it's in that mind state that he understands just why his grief for india was far stronger than he anticipated; he had been able to live in his truth as their commander - there, he had not been a rebel, merely a man who had worked hard to get to the very position he would eventually resign from for this. "our mother would not be angry with me if i confided such things - why are you?"

there  were  countless  people  more  selfless  than she in the world, who would give up their status or riches for others, but her heart, like the mackenzies who came before her, beat for scotland. the words her brother spoke so calmly might've been voiced in a foreign tongue. spoken by another, irritation, the same that sparked whenever she thought of how the late king had tarnished their country, might've been her response, but instead it was confusion that filled brown hues.   ❝ so rather than try, you're content to become a part of the problem. ❞   tone remained level as it wavered between statement and question.   ❝ and if while you're letting the ship sink, karolina or i were to drown? or cailean? ❞

[ccnsenescere]

her energy was contagious. it pulls a softness over him that allows him to chuckle playfully. abdullah did not enjoy dancing as many other's did, he thought it was pointless, odd, yet here we was under his mother's orders, learning the ropes of such things (or, he supposed, putting up with it). "see," he grins. "while i am not always right, i am right about such comforts - for the sake of imagination, what book would you read? if you were not on a dance floor."

She smiled warmly, appreciating his courteous demeanor amidst the swirl of nobility and intrigue. "Good evening," she echoed softly, her voice carrying a hint of empathy for his sentiment. "Bed does sound inviting, especially after the spectacle tonight." As they swayed together, Leonor felt the rhythm of the music, she adored dancing and how it made her feel alive. "I find myself captivated by the dance of it all—the laughter, the music. But I must admit, I wouldn’t mind trading this revelry for a quiet night in, perhaps with a good book and a glass of wine."

[ccnsenescere]

abdullah draws a breath. there had been a time in his life where conflict and chaos excited him, he might even admit to wandering far and wide to find it and involve himself without much thought of the consequences. the reckoning changed that part of him as it had changed many things for every monarchy in attendance. the ex-commander supposed the red fort, although known to them for its red stone, would, for future generations, be coloured red by the blood that had been so carelessly spilled that night. dark eyes find his sister's knuckles at first, concern grows but he speaks to another matter, one of uncharacteristic disinterest. "perhaps you can help scotland. i, however, am of the opinion that we are all on a ship that's sinking far faster that we are prepared for. the very selfish part of me wants to let it."

the  brother  she  approached  wasn't  the  one she remembered. the image of abdullah in her mind, constructed over many years by a sister who'd always looked up to him, was a force to be reckoned with, not someone who started when approached. concern knitted her brow together. cordelia had never wanted to pry about his time away from scotland, but now she wondered if she should have despite him seemingly adjusting well to his role at court.   ❝ not if we continue down our current path. ❞   how quickly violence had erupted. subconsciously, she rested her hand on her arm where a bruise was likely forming from someone grabbing her during the chaos.   ❝ but i don't care about the rest of the world. it's scotland that we can help. ❞

[ccnsenescere]

although abdullah had never been locked inside of his own home for protection, he understood what it felt like to feel caged. perhaps, metaphorical 'stuckness' was lesser of two evils, paling in comparison to the physical detainment that the princess spoke to, however, they were not much different in premise, merely practice. a subtle, watery smile graces his features, he takes a breath, and in return, for her honesty, he gives her, his. "unless i wish to be jailed, that is, unfortunately not an option for me." abdullah's chuckle is bitter. "i resigned from my position as their commander not two days before the reckoning. of course, the remaining sharmas believe i did so on purpose, to leave them defenceless against the rebels. i...simply wished to leave for love, mostly, and for myself, not for such violence. however, in the chaos they found that i had forged documents to gain my position." a shrug lifts and flattens his shoulders. "they do not know that those documents were not as fake as they believed - after-all, they were using my true credentials and the name my biological parents gave me at birth. all that was a lie was my place of origin." a breath. "so unfortunately, as much as i wish your words to hold truth, if i ever find myself in india again, at least while the current sharma line survives, i will, perhaps, find myself in the prisons i used to guard - i am sorry that your parents made a mockery of your early life, however, it seems to me that you now are free to do as you please, i implore you to take it and run with it."

it was always a gamble if someone was going to ask her why she never left versailles or if they were just going to assume she was a pampered princess who dare not leave her shining castle. aurora smiled softly at the question, at how gently it was asked. “ i was not allowed. i . . “ she paused for a moment, wondering how detailed to get. “ — i ran away once, gone for a week on the streets of paris. “ aurora murmured, looking out at the waters as black as the night sky. the memories were happy, despite the consequences she faced after. “ i loved it, seeing the city and enjoying it as just another girl — the sweets, the dancing — but . . my parents did not. i was found, by the royal guards who took me back home and . . . “ she waved a hand towards nothing, “ versailles went from being home to a gilded cage in a matter of a night. “ the princess sighed, turning her head to look at him and give a soft smile. “ but — enough of my tale of woe, it’s boring anyway. “ she laughed.

“ india was lovely, i do not blame you at all for holding a place for it in your heart. “ she said with a nod, though she did not understand the rest of his words. “ — i am sorry, for whatever may have happened. perhaps someday you can return. “

[ccnsenescere]

when: post drop w/ @espionisms & @flcralhaze (can be a group thread or a muse of your choosing)

where: a palace corridor outside the courtroom

the trembling started prior to the violence. for awhile, abdullah had been able to pretend that all was well; his sisters were among safe courts, he and cailean were well on their way to developing something more solid; his advising the stuarts, while troublesome, had allowed him to influence their decisions for peace rather than its opposite. yet, the world they lived in would never cater to such a thought; to peace. where once he would've ran toward cailean for comfort, the sight of knuckles meeting eye amidst the struggle had made him walk in another direction. the reckoning had ruined his courage, he is reminded of it by his own thoughts and by the way startle causes him to jump when another closes in on him. "do you believe we will ever live to see this world fall into peace instead of chaos?" he asks, his sigh holding weighty emotions and dead-end thoughts. perhaps, he thought, running away might be the solution to his weariness.

[ccnsenescere]

eyes drift; longingly stare in the direction of another; love whispers a promise of meeting them again in the lantern light of their shared quarters in the scottish apartments. abdullah was hardly used to these sorts of gatherings; he was often on the sidelines with the soldiers, watching monarchs and nobles make fools of themselves; oh how times had changed, he thought. his mother would be proud of him for the courteous smile that doesn't falter when partners change. "good evening," he mirrors though he shakes his head. "i would much rather be in bed - and you?"

Leonor stood at the edge of the grand ballroom, the enchanting music of the Mysteries of Osiris Gala pulling her in with its hypnotic rhythm. The chandeliers cast a golden glow on the elegantly dressed couples who moved like a sea of swirling colors across the dance floor. She felt a yearning deep within her to join them, to become part of the living.

Summoning her courage, The Marchioness stepped forward, her feet carrying her into the midst of the dancers. At this point in the evening, partners were chosen randomly on the floor, couples exchanging with fluid ease as the music picked up slightly. She felt a thrill as her arms left one partner and found themselves with another, the change seamless and invigorating. Their presence was a welcoming surprise. "Good evening," she greeted them, her voice confident. "Are you enjoying the gala?"

[ccnsenescere]

abdullah's nod is merely sympathetic. under different circumstances, he might've felt empathy for her situation, however, as mightily as his attempts to steer clear of his home had been, he'd always wished never to have to leave it behind. the ex-commander wondered if that was simply due to scotland being home or if home truly resided in the arms of a certain commander "why is that?" he asks quietly, hoping not to overstep boundaries or offend her in any way. "i've traveled a bit." a shrug moves his shoulders. "everywhere i found myself, i felt the same sort of wonder but never did a place feel like home except for one - india holds a special place in my heart, even if it's heart no longer beats for me..."

" i know, " she said with a laugh. " it very much is boring of me , but . . . i suppose it's different when you've only known the same walls all your life. i find wonder and excitement rather easily. " aurora mused softly. france was as much of a stranger to her as the rest of the world was, and she wanted to see the beauty of it — and everywhere else.

the princess nodded her head, " close, the one to india was my first. this is my third. this last year and some months has been my first time out of versailles in . . . fourteen years. " aurora sighed. " have you been many places? where was your favorite? "

[ccnsenescere]

abdullah loses all sense of their surroundings, simply focusing on the warmth of cailean's breath and their close proximity to one another. beautiful in candlelight; illuminated by the morning sun; vibrant when no eyes were on them, in every moment, cailean rendered him speechless. the ex-commander hums, snaking arms around the other's waist to pull them closer - he feels his entire system flood with a sense of relief, safety, and most importantly, love, as their embrace continues. cailean's rough shove sends an anticipatory shiver down his spine but their voice in command on the air confuses him. his open eyes flit from cailean toward the slightly cracked door where he could see the curl of fingers on the frame of it. abdullah's sigh is long, exasperated, hinting at the frustration that was now built in his stomach. "i'll kill him." he says through gritted teeth, unserious in his threats yet partially the opposite and the look in brown hues wild and chaotic. however, cailean's worry issues a roll of eyes and a move to close the distance between them again, this time, the heat of their moment gone and replaced with underlying care.

his hand finds jaw. "we're on the same page about this," abdullah assures as context for his next sentiment. "but fraser's an old drunk, everybody in the highlands knows it. we've been close since we were young, lamb, i hate to break it to your ego, however," his voice lowers, mouth finding just below cailean's earlobe again. "half of 'em already know and say nothing, the other half, well, they can't tell a sheep's head from its -" with a look over his shoulder at the door, he presses a kiss to the commander's cheek. "we're safe, cailean. i'm safe." abdullah stresses, tugging them close. "though perhaps desire should be saved for our private quarters."

They needed to think straight. Ever since Kaiden, the damn fool, was arrested, Cailean had been walking on a tightrope, waiting for the moment eyes of suspicion would turn to them. One wrong move, and they would be thrust into the whirlwind of accusations of being involved in the Reckoning, and what would that mean for Abby? Would he be dragged into it as well? If they knew what Cailean had to witness during the Reckoning, they would never accuse them of having anything to do with it. After that night, they swore they would never do anything which might hurt Abdullah; yet here they were once again. They needed to think straight, but their mind was clouded, swimming with the undeniable need to have Abdullah even closer to them.

Their fingers curled around the soft fabric of his shirt, using it to pull him closer until his chest was against theirs. Their breath hitched in their throat when their lips brushed against Abby’s. “Desire…” Their voice trailed off, their mind on nothing but Abby’s lips, his touch, his breath brushing against their skin. They would never be able to think straight while he’s near them. All too suddenly, they were thrust back into reality when the door creaked open. Their heart broke as they instinctively pushed Abby away. They didn’t want to hide him. They wanted to tell every single soul in the damn world that they had been lucky enough to find the person who made them feel alive, but they couldn’t. Not after what happened during the Reckoning. Cailean cleared their throat when a young soldier peeked through the door, face pale. For a moment, they worried he had seen them, but they quickly realized he was merely a young soldier terrified of interrupting their private meeting. “Give us a moment, please.” While Malcolm would have hastily scolded the poor lad for interrupting them, Cailean’s voice was gentle, as if they were speaking to a friend.

They held their breath until the door closed, and only then could they breathe again. “That was far too close.” They stood still as if their feet were planted to the ground, yet every atom in their body begged them to go to Abby, to hold him, to kiss him while they still had time. “One day we’re not goin’ to be this lucky. What if that Fraser fool had caught us? He wouldnae hesitate to use it against us.”

[ccnsenescere]

{uraz kaygılaroğlu, 34, agender, he/they/she} We are so glad to see you safe, ADVISOR ABDULLAH MACKENZIE of SCOTLAND! It’s dangerous out in the world these days, but I hear that you are CALCULATIVE and DEDICATED enough to handle it. Just don’t let your RECKLESSNESS bring you down! Stay on your guard, because with your secret being at risk for exposure, you wouldn’t want everyone to find out after the reckoning your heart is no longer in the rebellion.

b a s i c s //

birth name: murat abdullah mackenzie

nickname: abby

birthday: march 31st (aries)

occupation: royal advisor to the stuarts

orientation: demi-romantic / pansexual

status: single-ish

languages: english, scottish gaelic (native). persian, hindi, japanese (fluent). german, amharic, sanskrit (conversational).

character influences: brian kinney (queer as folk), link & ganondorf (tloz), aragorn (lotr), indra (the 100), uchiha madara (naruto).

tarot card: strength

p r o l o g u e //

crooked by nature, they have always had a knack for manipulation and persuasion - nurture worsened it. selfish; power-hungry; proud; a perfect canvas for the pursuits of the family that they'd been adopted into and admittedly for their own gain. freedom granted them invisibility and they remain clutched onto that to this day. they've slipped into and out of many empires, left impacts, bought loyalties but as chaotic as they are, they're not simpleminded. they make calculative decisions and take well thought out actions for the gain of themselves and the mackenzies. prepared, intuitive, controlled - sometimes they seem outwardly unapproachable, they led their army with a strong hand, charm their way through awkward situations, and work hard regardless of their reasonings for doing so. they have two faces and only those loyal to the mackenzies know which one is real. they will stop at nothing to attain what they want.

a c t i : l a l q i l a //

The Mughal Empire had always been, to him, a means to an end. After his discharge from the Scottish military, being reassigned to a new empire to help aid the rebellion in any way that he could, he thought that settling in Delhi was temporary, that he would not grow attached to the people, sights, and sounds that surrounded him on a daily basis, however, that was far from the case. Assuming a new identity, working his way through the ranks of their military, making connections and friendships (even if surface level), and getting acquainted with a culture that his birth parents had fallen in love with after leaving Scotland wasn't supposed to leave a mark on him, but it did. The Grand Memoriam; reconnecting with Cailean and his sisters; hearing the loud accents of the Scottish court in the dining hall; followed shortly by invasions, political fights, chaos, and watching his heart face death once more pushed Abdullah from a state of clarity into one of complete and utter exhaustion. He decided to resign from his position as commander, swear fealty to Claire Stuart, and return home. The Reckoning shook him far beyond exhaustion; it cemented his love for the empire in his heart.

t i m e s k i p //

Grief was not new to Abdullah. He had been mourning Scotland and his place within it for years before The Reckoning took the rulers of the Mughal Empire from him. However, the loss struck him harder than he thought it might. Grown accustomed to serving them, to his every thought encompassing their safety and safety of their empire, suddenly being without all of it made guilt trickle into the space between his ribs. He struggled with this for the majority of their journey home, tried his best to smile when he was supposed to smile; one might say that his years of pretending came in handy when asked if he was glad to be home by fellow clansmen and their family friends. It was interesting, he supposed, how being back on the moors of Scotland didn't remove the sting of having to leave India behind. With news of it's descent into chaos reaching him, the guilt of leaving it defenceless when he did, lingered. But, somewhere between training with his mother in the halls of Castle Stuart and sliding into bed next to the youngest Fergusson, his grief disappeared and was replaced by a warmth that was often threatened by the thought of what those he cared about most were doing behind the scenes. You see, even with the new reign among them, the rebels that he had once proudly stood with were strong, perhaps, even stronger than ever, and in the land under Stuart reign, whether by one monarch or by four, rebels careless enough to get caught were hung. Once a thought that made him chuckle, the reality of losing those he cared about to something they could choose to refrain from started to make him weary.

p r e s e n t d a y //

Exhausted by his days in the military and the monotony of daily life now that he's back home, when the opportunity to put his mind to use once more approached him, he took it. From Mughal Commander to Royal Advisor, Abdullah is settling into his position comfortably while still training under his mother's guidances to become Duke after her retirement - the most prominent issue? He's starting to see each Stuart as people and not monarchs, an issue for the once rebel still lurking under the surface. For now, he's keeping up appearances for the sake of his parents and lover, however, he's come to the realization that the exhaustion from years of pretending is finally catching up with him and if he had to be honest? He simply wished to wake up to the sun illuminating red hair, the loud purr of Mor, and the smell of grass fluttering in through the open window of their bedroom. He supposed, being so close to love and it's beauty had made him soft - he could no longer stomach the rebellion and what it had the potential to take from him.

c o n n e c t i o n s //

cordelia mackenzie (sister) - to be written

karolina mackenzie (sister) - to be written

cailean fergusson (soul-mate) - they have been caught in a dance of cat and mouse for decades, unable to shed their emotional attachment to one another. they fall apart, put distance between themselves, however the universe brings them back together, often stronger than the last time their souls tangled. once on the same side of the coin, they now faced the unique challenge of being on opposites. its led to countless arguments and skirting around the topic of the scottish monarchy yet underneath all of the anger and frustration, they make moves toward one another and for each other out of love, even if they cannot admit aloud quite yet.