chronicallylavender

[chronicallylavender]

would you, could you love me if i got sick(er)?

(and i you?)

when i’d become sick

and even more sick

and kept losing parts of myself

would you accept this reality, this version of me

would you get upset with me when i could not show up healthier and less disabled

would you tell me to fight against it

would you understand the chronic nature of it

would you want me

would i need to race to walk with you

would you slow down to walk with me

would we be o.k. to never match each others pace again

would we grow frustrated, impatient with each other's lack of progress

would you look down on me

would you expect me to go over my limits

would you center your fears and leave me alone in mine

when there’d be loss to grieve everyday

when everything would change

and we’d leave each other behind

could we be far and near at the same time when we couldn’t live the same life anymore (could we ever) would we be able to still feel each other

would you wait for me when i needed a break

would you push my wheelchair and pick me up from the station

would you go with me to appointments

would i harm myself in trying to please you

and grow resentful

when i could not go with you to a fun event

when i could not join you outside

when i could not move freely with you

when conversation would become slow and i’d have troubling catching my words to deliver them from my lips

or when i could not speak at all

when i’d only manage to cook sometimes or not at all

when you’d need to get or prepare food for and bring it to me, when i’d have to be fed

when i could not shower whenever i want or ever at all

when stink started to cover me

my hair knotted and dry like my skin

when there'd be no knowing whether it will ever get better, stay the same or get worse

when looking at the past would cause pain

when i could not raise my arms to hug you

when i could not tolerate your presence for long or at all

when i'd be only half alive

when i could still laugh with you and when i couldn’t anymore

when i could still listen to you and when i couldn’t anymore

when we could look out the window together and when i'd have to live in darkness

when i'd have to let go of all my dreams and when i'd dare to dream new ones

when i’d need help to go to the toilet or could not go to one at all

in sight of a healthier me would you forget the sicker one

in sight of the sicker me would you forget the healthier one

would you, could you stay by my side

would i, could i tolerate you by my side

would you grow tired of me

would i be able to receive care from a web of people and would you be willing to be one of them

would you leave me alone because it was too much

could i communicate when i needed to take a break

would you hear it

would you expect me to figure everything out by myself

would you lie in bed with me

would i want you to lie in bed with me

would you hold my hand

would i hold yours

would you see me

would i see you

would you learn about the things i’m dealing with

would you try to understand

would caring for me make you sick

would it be too much

could i receive care guilt free

could you drop out and know that your gap will be filled by all the others

what could i do if not

could i tell you the things i need

would your presence exhaust or replenish me or would it be both at the same time

and how would it be for you

would you be able to tell me of your life and feel me share in your happiness

would it be ok for me to be sad too

could you tolerate my tears

could i yours

would i be be able to express my appreciation for you as a person

could i make you laugh

could i still show care towards you

would i overxert myself

making me even less/unable to be with you

would loving me demand too much from you without receiving enough in return

would loving me cause you too much pain

would i misdirect frustration towards you or bottle it all down and cause a rift between us

would you forget me

would i manage to be in contact and nurture our relationship

would i be able to receive your love or would i be scared

how could i protect myself from those that want to prey on me because i’m vulnerable

could i see your heart through it all

if you stopped loving me or left would i have enough love around me to hold me

would i be safe in the net of care and love you were a part of

if not would it be better not to love to begin with

if i knew i might potentially die earlier than others could i be in relationship

would it be better to stay in isolation

if you knew i might become too sick one day, unable to bear it any longer would it make everything before turn into even more pain

if i actually got out of that and something worked and i got better again would you still be there to share the joy with me

could i be honest with you

would i have to choose between care and love

would i be able to hold you (physically, emotionally…)

would you help me build a care web

would you help me get access to the things i need

would you hold me

would you stay

would you listen to and hear me

how would i love

would i guide you to your blindspots

would i enforce boundaries to protect and love myself and others and you

would i assist you in realizing you deserve rest and care

or that your value is not tied to your performance

would i remind you of those disappeared

would i tell stories would i share visions

what would be digestible for you

would you do your part to prevent this happening to someone else

would you protest for me and those like me and those unlike me because they didn’t get tp grow up before they were harmed and robbed this way

would you be willing to challenge thought patterns and beliefs

would you think of how to make spaces accessible

would you think of me and where i used to be

would you learn and adapt

would you slow down

which way would you love me

?

[chronicallylavender]

made a little catalogue of queer stuff i’ve read for no reason (also a very few didn’t make it on here)

and because it’s disability pride month and i’m disabled i put * where it features a disabled or chronically ill etc protagonist though i didn’t have energy to specify

also i have memory issues and read some of them years ago or haven’t finished them yet so there might be mistakes

also my tbr list is soooo long

anyways

list of titles under cut

some of them are not free of (anti casian) racism & i put a • there

slide2:

multiple povs: the death of vivek oji; freshwater*; girl woman other; light from uncommon stars

YA: last night at the telegraph club; die sonne so strahlend und schwarz; pet; magnus chase the complete series*

slide3

(a)historical: the seven husbands of evelyn hugo; fingersmith; clear and muddy loss of love/jwqs; golden terrace*•

indigenous: inara - light of utopia; jonny appleseed; under the udala trees;

colonialism: taiwan travelogue

slide 4

fantasy, mythology: heaven's offical blessing/tgcf•; the song of achilles; girl, serpent, thorn; the grandmaster of demonic cultivation/mdzs; raybearer (not protagonist)

science fiction, fantasy: the left hand of darkness; iron widow*•; to embers we return

slide 5 short:

1st row: sister outsider; loving safoa; the deep*; walking practice*;

2nd row: kari*; as the sun comes up*; a masc for purim*; your name engraved herein; the bruising of qilwa

slide 6, comics

1st row: puu; the essential dykes to watch out for; the magic fish; stone fruit*; my lesbian experience with loneliness*

2nd row: she loves to cook and she loves to eat; her tale of shim cheong; her mountain, her ocean; double house; i want to be a wall; the moon on a rainy night*

3rd row: the tea dragon society*; the guy she was interested in wasn't a guy at all; wash day diaries; couple of mirrors; navigating with you*, saved the public enemy by mistake

slide 7, part of tbr

1st row: metal from heaven; a master of djinn*; on earth we're briefly gorgeous; hammajang luck; when we lost our heads

2nd row: the creator's grace; she who became the sun*; the unbroken*; an unkindness of ghosts*; ballad of sword and wine*

3rd row: dd's umbrella; junker seven*; we are okay*; gideon the ninth; hani and ishus guide to fake dating

slide 8 more cnovels (baihe & danmei)

1st row: mystery: silent reading/mo du; (a)historical: purely by accident; ru zhui/matrilocal marriage; female general, eldest princess•; stars of chaos*•

2nd row contemporary: fangsi/presumptuous; if i could mail you a book; she is the protagonist; mystery, fantasy: global examination•; guardian/zhen hun

3rd row fantasy wuxia: the beauty's blade; faraway wanderers/tian ya ke; xianxia: the dragon; the scum villains self saving system•; yuwu/stains of filth

[chronicallylavender]

idk if i’m ever gonna have a/multiple carer(s) that would do the everyday stuff with me like if i actually became fully bed bound. the things i couldn’t do. because so far if someone offered to do the things i needed to have done i haven’t even been able to have them help me with everything i thought of/needed. maybe this would be different if it really was a regular thing. or maybe i’d just suffer even more ugh it’s scary

[chronicallylavender]

[chronicallylavender]

having a chronic illness that has me mostly house and bed bound and abandoned by society and most friends for me means among other things returning to my younger selfs coping mechanisms and interests (as long as i still can)

i’m isolated and lonely but that’s nothing i haven’t experience in already

so let me return to the things that bring me some moments of joy

[chronicallylavender]

🌸 From One Mother’s Heart – Please Read 🌸

My name is Saja. I’m a wife, a mother, and a woman who once believed her story would be simple. I thought my days would be filled with watching my daughter grow — from her first smile to her first steps — surrounded by the small joys of everyday life.

But life had other plans.

War has returned to our home. Again. And once again, we find ourselves living under skies that never seem to rest.

There was a moment — a fragile, breathless moment — when the bombs paused and the world seemed to remember us. It gave us hope. We thought maybe, just maybe, we could start to rebuild. But now, we are back in the dark — hiding, holding on, praying.

I’m writing this not as someone seeking pity, but as a mother who has no other choice but to speak.

Imagine holding your baby in the middle of the night, not because she cried, but because the world outside roared too loud for either of you to sleep. Imagine whispering bedtime stories not to lull her into dreams, but to keep the fear from settling into her tiny bones.

This is my life.

This is my daughter’s life.

And even now — especially now — I believe in softness. I believe in kindness. Because when everything else is taken from you, hope becomes the most valuable thing you have.

Why I’m Reaching Out Our home has been damaged. Our lives changed. But through it all, my daughter wakes up every morning with a smile. She reaches for me with trust, with love, with faith that I will keep her safe.

That’s why I keep going.

I’ve launched a campaign to ask for help — not because it’s easy, but because silence is no longer an option. I am asking for support not just for me, but for my baby, and for the quiet strength of so many mothers like me who are fighting, every single day, to hold their families together.

How You Can Help: 🤍 Help us restore parts of our home so we can live with dignity 🤍 Support women and mothers in Gaza with access to care and resources 🤍 Keep the light of hope alive for a generation born in the shadows of war

💛 If you can, please support our journey here:

If you can’t give, please consider sharing. Your voice might be the reason someone else hears ours.

From My Heart to Yours Maybe our lives are worlds apart. Maybe you’ve never lived through war. But if you’ve ever held a child and wished the world could be better for them — then you understand more than you know.

I don’t want my daughter to grow up thinking the world turned away.

Please, if you’ve read this far — thank you. Thank you for seeing us. Thank you for caring. We are still here. Still hoping. Still holding on to every kind act like it’s a lifeline.

With love and endless gratitude

[chronicallylavender]

i really didn’t understand at first that we should keep masking to protect everyone and especially the vulnerable. but with time i understand more. i started masking in public spaces again and took it off when i was with my friends. that’s not enough but it’s a start. now *if anything* people around me mask for me. but not for everyone else or even themselves. so sometimes i get this feeling like it doesn’t matter. but that’s not true of course. i’m scared for myself but i live with a lot of people and they don’t mask everywhere so i’m not very protected anyways. they care for me in a lot of life sustaining ways but I don’t see myself surviving for a long time.

i just wanna tell everyone please please mask in public spaces, please try not to keep spreading this disease if you care about anyone. educate the people around you.

[chronicallylavender]

i miss myself so much

[chronicallylavender]

everything i could even potentially dream of seems completely out of reach and impossible now

[chronicallylavender]

Turns out lonely people are all the same.

Happy Together (1997), dir. Wong Kar-Wai

[chronicallylavender]

im sooo late but here’s armenian miku!!

(bonus under the cut)

[chronicallylavender]

Hey people, most of the people asking for aid aren’t actually people. They’re scams. The same messages are copy and pasted ALL THE TIME.

Also, where are the Palestinian people going to use the money? They can’t leave and the facilities they buy food at are gone…

Those aren’t Palestinians. Those are scams.

[chronicallylavender]

you cannot talk about the homophobic murder of jonathan joss without including in the conversation that he is indigenous.

american indian men are at the 2nd highest risk of death by murder compared to all other ethnic groups. in their lifetimes, 82% of native men report having experienced domestic violence. yet the overwhelming majority of perpetrators are non-natives (88% of native men and 92% of native women who reported violence said their attacker was non-native). what’s more, tribal governments are often stymied in their attempts to bring justice against non-natives, meaning that many of these cases go unresolved.

this was an intersectional attack. the fact that he is indigenous matters, even if the motivation was homophobic, because it made him even more vulnerable and disposable in the eyes of his killer.

as always, look into MMIWP to learn more, and speak up for us. miigwetch, take care

[chronicallylavender]

[chronicallylavender]

Last year I finally had an excuse to illustrate this simple little Tumblr story by @bees-with-swords I've had bookmarked forever for class.

I hope you like it :]

Image ID under the cut

[id: a series of five watercolor and guache paintings with digital text added to each one. the paintings depict the conversation between the whale, the tuna, and the salmon from the story in the post.

the first painting shows a humpback whale swimming with a bluefin tuna as they talk, with a skeleton of a whale in a small panel above them. the skeleton is labeled to note the skull, ribcage, spine, pelvis, and other major structures. "Do you ever dream of land?" the whale asks the tuna. "No." says the tuna, "Do you?" "I have never seen it." says the whale, "but deep in my body, I remember it." "Why do you care," says the tuna, "if you will never see it?"

the second painting shows the humpback and the tuna from a different angle, the faint impression of trees surrounding them in the water. the humpback has a series of skeletons extending behind it, each showing a progressively older evolutionary ancestor and showing the change from land animal to ocean animal. it also notes the whale's own small but still present pelvis and femur bones. "There are bones in my body built to walk through the forests and the mountains." says the whale. "They will disappear." says the tuna. "One day, your body will forget the forests and the mountains."

the third painting shows a whale skeleton at the bottom of the ocean being picked at by scavengers. a small panel below the skeleton shows the salmon joining the conversation. "Maybe I don't want to forget," says the whale. "The forests were once my home." "I have seen the forests." whispers the salmon, almost to itself.

the fourth painting shows the progression of a salmon growing from egg to adulthood as it swims downstream, with panels showing the eye of the whale and the salmon looking at one another. "Tell me what you have seen," says the whale. "The forests spawned me." says the salmon. "They sent me to the ocean to grow. When I am fat with the bounty of the ocean, I will bring it home."

the fifth and final painting shows the whale, the tuna, and the salmon from below, backlit by filtering sunlight and surrounded by other silhouettes of fish. in the foreground are tiny, microscopic plants labeled "proterocladus antiquus, oldest land plant ancestor, alive one billion years ago." "Why would the forests seek the bounty of the oceans?" asks the whale. "They have bounty of their own." "You forget," says the salmon, "That the oceans were once their home."

/end id.]

(Thank you @saffronlesbian for the beautifully descriptive id)

[chronicallylavender]

[chronicallylavender]

“This world we live in... It is actually full of happiness. Everyone is too kind...People's sincerity and kindness... If this all came out clear as day everyone would just be so thankful... They would be crushed by happiness.Kindness... It is everywhere. It is everywhere in this world.”

loneliness, isolation, lack of authentic connection can make you quite clueless. like an alien attempting to be a human. how can you learn when you’re alone and there is some kind of barrier between you and others.

this can also leave you vulnerable & unprepared against manipulation.
when we take off our masks we can find true connection (and yet you might never know if there is another one underneath.)