csqpalso

[csqpalso]

June 10, 2025

Dear Diary

I am suddenly afraid of my thoughts, quite overwhelmed at the thought of writing again, of expressing again, of opening up again. And this feeling is not towards you rather towards me.

Im a caterpillar currently in the metamorphosis stage, transforming to be a butterfly, and in the process, I’m left to wonder who am I? It’s easy to name what stage this is, science has it figured. But who the heck am I? In human timelines, how long will this phase last?

Life is happening so fast Im unsure how to respond. I use my instincts, I use my logic; but how do I measure the outcome to analyse its ingredients – am I using my instincts correctly? Does my logic make sense?

Where is the love in all of this? Have I lost it? Indeed.

[csqpalso]

February 1, 2025

Alrightie. Let’s start typing. Like the good old days. Dear diary, it’s been a while again. I feel like I’ve written that sentence far too many times in the last 2-3 years. The reason? It’s because I was consistent with writing and creating and doodling and all those beautiful things in my younger years; up until university. Soon as I started working, and letting life take its course, I gave up one of the most unnoticed de-stressors of mine, writing. Another underlying reason I may not want to admit is fear of imperfection. You see, English is not my first language, neither was I good at it during my school years. I hated composing essays of given topics I was not interested in yet little did I know, all of those were exercises to unleash or strengthen one’s ability to craft something out of indifference. Alas, here I am today, sipping on a nice chai latte at 10pm in the world’s largest mall, alone and content, amazed not only by the size of this grand atrium and humans from all over the world, but also by this freedom and quiet power to choose my drink while comfortably typing on my laptop without having to worry about theft or calamities. Not long ago, I was seated in this same café, a high school student, worrying about what will be like after graduation. Next thing I knew came university applications and before I could even savour hall lectures and research papers, came CVs and interviews. And just like that, I’m now a working adult, with a full-time job and full-time responsibility of making decisions from schedules to purchases. I’m no longer bound by what an institute requires of me rather, and unfortunately, bound by what I think others require of me. The pressures an adult faces no longer comes from school grades rather unclear societal expectations. Thank God there is family. And though I must recognize that not all can agree with this statement, the circumstances I’m placed in prompts me to be grateful for my family’s unconditional love and unwavering support. My parents and brothers are still here with me in the same country, fully well, healthy and capable of working. And so it’s both empowering and humbling to witness all of this here and now. Time flies, they say, and I can resonate with that. Nevertheless, I can also resonate with savouring every second like it’s the last. On the grand scheme of things, life’s been a finger snap. On the day-by-day, it feels like being stuck in rush hour traffic. All in all, good is God all the time, and all the time, God is good. May we always keep the faith. May we always find joy and hope. And may we always be secured in His Love. At least for me, this has been the only way to be where I am now, at peace and with joy. Though I’m unhappy about abandoning my passion for writing, there’s always a place to start again. It’s February 1st and coincidentally, I felt the need to embark on this journey again. It’s freeing, satisfying and brings simply joys to the soul. January was a good start to initiate plans like joining ballet class and signing up for Arabic tutors. Now is the month to put more effort into these areas and unlocking other avenues such as pursuing professional certifications and being financially literate. Let’s go February!

[csqpalso]

January 9, 2025

Growing up is another universe, so much to explore yet somehow familiar with what seems to be insignificant. It's in this that we're confident to continue the process; a balance of knowledge and curiosity, igniting desire to awaken passion. And when it's bloomed fully, one cannot fathom its miracle. Simply out of this world, like it's another universe. That's what growing up is about.

[csqpalso]

January 8, 2025

some things never end.

i guess that's why they created

the concept of forever.

[csqpalso]

January 7, 2025

Somewhat productive, more so lacking of push. In order to achieve discipline, one must struggle with pleasure in the beginning.

Not a rule, rather an observation from someone who's not able to see satisfying results in a week.

[csqpalso]

January 2, 2025

Day two and well well, back to adjustments. Let's get these plans moving! Today, like any other day, flew by so quick!

Looking forward to another day where things will feel like they're organized better. Perhaps a bit of chaos is needed?

[csqpalso]

January 1, 2025

It was an accident until time healed what was shattered, eventually strengthening the tears from within. It no longer leaks from the heart, rather peacefully slides down the cheeks when it needs, unrestricted and fully aware of the freedom in letting go.

[csqpalso]

July 19, 2024

No way U r hot baby How I wish am there now Will devour u Softly What a body to devour Unfair it's too far Wohhhh love her Amazingly hot Was amazing to c all ur body baby

[csqpalso]

July 15, 2024

From the first interaction to the in-betweens and perhaps, to the upcoming There’s a sense of mystery, awakening the senses to indulge and submerge in the dazzling clear waters on a bright sunny day. The freshness of air, allowing the lungs to rejuvenate its gaseous exchange so effortlessly, transporting life throughout the body from the nerves, bones, muscles to the tiniest atom that make us. It’s incredible how one encounter can pump so much vibrance into existence, bringing you to a state of daydream whilst juggling reality. There’s no other way but to smile and let out a shy giggle in a very subtle way. After all, no one will ever understand the explosion of colours and melodies that’s been following you from the first interaction. And that’s fine. It’s all for you. Now go to sleep. (perhaps, continue the dream?)

[csqpalso]

June 28, 2024

Stop it Stop asking for their attention If they wanted to, they'd do everything in their time, will, ability, strength and resources to make it happen And if they didn't want, you'd only get excuses Easy and plain but the result; full of pain

[csqpalso]

June 14, 2024

Probably I was tired from work or drowsy for wine or you were simply a master We were both shy next time should be better All of the above The combination was surreal I remember smiling like an idiot in the taxi all the way till I tucked myself in bed Why smiling Happy ending 😘 Everything will be alright, right? If not alright not the end The second day I thought id get over it Even more smiles; insane I like the 2nd day too, you were nice in white Both days were nice The way one thing led to another, beautifully woven into a nice quilt of memory

[csqpalso]

June 9, 2024

Dearest self

Why have you forgotten to live so boldly that you don’t need to worry or overthink the results. What happened, has happened. There will be consequences, yes. But try not to build a story before events actually take place.

It’s all part of the process. Let go and trust.

[csqpalso]

May 30, 2024

وانا اعشقك ‎هل تعشقيني ‎العشق جميل ‎وأنت جميله ‎الحياه جميله ‎الدنيا جميله ‎العشق ليس حب ‎العشق اعجاب ‎يعشق كلير

[csqpalso]

May 14, 2024

I’ve deleted pictures and erased memories to get rid of feelings that create only confusion in the present, which of course will impact the future.

Yet somehow, when fragments come together and surprise you of everything you thought was buried deep down in the ocean, you are flooded, not only with feelings, but of intense thoughts.

Damn.

I was there. That was me. And, now? Tomorrow? How about them? How about that? What changed? What’s so significant?

This chain reaction is so very simple, almost common, and natural. That’s our bodily response to triggers of the like. Neverthless, I am still convinced, there is something quite phenomenal

And my tongue can’t seem to spell it out loud.

Damn.

[csqpalso]

March 18, 2024

Endless wave of transformation

Disconnectedness No wifi. No internet. No pings. The way it's supposed to be before man created technology; an invention we've relied to a lot, forgetting its unstable nature, even if it is at the slightest percentage. Anytime, and anywhere, without announcement, it can stop. Dead battery, electrical failure, system malfunction or even device destruction We can go on about the possibilities Yet we chose to trust the likelihood of this to occur is almost zero. We're so advanced that what can go wrong without "troubleshooting" at a distance ready for our rescue? Disconnectedness No empathy. No intuition. No humanity.

[csqpalso]

March 5, 2024

It's been a long long time since I actually did something like this; something like pausing to let my thoughts flow.

Unfortunately, it's stuck.

There's no flow.

Ooops.

[csqpalso]

December 13, 2023

I want to get married. It’s all I ever wanted since I learned how beautiful marriage was – from the wedding celebrations to the concept of sharing ups and downs of life with someone for as long as you live. Who wants to be alone right?

Alas, time has a strange way to reveal what you want and what you need. And probably a stranger way to make room for the two. Time will make you feel uncomfortable only to remind you truly what’s comfort. It will break you on many occasions so that you grow.

Time will finally announce, “it has to be” – sometimes without reasons, yet the room is made; one for what you want, and the other for what you need. In most cases, this room is separated so you just have to find the need in your wants, and the want in your needs.

Going back to my first point; I want to get married so now I’m slowing figuring out what’s the need of it.