cvtastrophee

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Sitting in the garden at night

Serene air playing with my hair.

I am silent, staring at the moon

While your eyes are fixed on me.

The moon is laughing

And so am I.

We both know a lie is on your lips.

I can’t look straight into your eyes;

I’ve seen another girl dancing there

all day, all night.

The moon wants to console me

To embrace me, as I’m about to cry.

But instead, it gathers my tears

And scatters them across the sky.

The little twinkling stars are nothing

But tears of all the lovers left behind.

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so there’s this insane rage and anger

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“I know pretty much what I like and dislike; but please, don’t ask me who I am.”

— Sylvia Plath, The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath

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healing is hard and trying to get to a point where you are no longer bothered by the past will be too. the road will be rocky and there will be days when you think going back to a situation where only pain will be felt for everyone involved is the only solution because of comfort. comfort in what you know and the predictability of everything. but over time, during that distance, things will surface and triggers will make their presence known. your nights will be filled with tears and your days filled with emptiness, but you keep going. you don't know where, but one day, it won't hurt anymore. your heart will stop constricting and your breathing turns light. it will be okay and you will grow. you will grow from the experience. you will look back and reflect, picking little details you had missed before and you will think "that's why." and that's okay. your memories will fade and the pain will cease. the light will shine brighter when you used to think your world will remain dark the moment they left. i used to think time heals was something people say but it never rang true. it was just something people say to comfort you. sometimes you will reminisce but it wouldn't hit as hard as it did the first time. you'll keep going until one day, you wake up and you see pain left the door wide open, bringing in light of a new day.

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also a poem from the new, unreleased collection. very possibly my own all-time favourite.

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“Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart.”

— Kahlil Gibran

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Sylvia Plath, aged 25, from "The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath" (dated September 15, 1958)

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L. A. Johnson, from "Birthmark"

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“I had to learn to live without you and I couldn’t make sense of it, because I left so much of me inside of you.”

— R.M. Drake

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“I’m homesick all the time … I just don’t know where home is. There’s this promise of happiness out there. I know it. I even feel it sometimes. But it’s like chasing the moon. Just when I think I have it, it disappears into the horizon.”

— Sarah Addison Allen

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Sylvia Plath, aged 25, from "The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath" (dated April 29, 1958)

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“Love isnt like it is in the books.”

— F. Scott Fitzgerald

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Sylvia Plath, aged 25, from "The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath" (dated April 29, 1958)

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Sylvia Plath, aged 25, from "The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath" (dated April 17, 1958)

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The one who was there

Love,

In my messiest, saddest, craziest hour You call me beautiful

You amplify my highs And you soften my lows

This is me My restless mind, my wandering heart, my intense longing The worlds in my head I get lost in The girl who ventures into darkness, sometimes

Dramatic, pretentious, absent But love, I try

And even when I stray When I disappear You find me And you bring me home

My heart’s been around But to you it always returns

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me? the universe protects me and it's been protecting me. i'm not worried.

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What do we tell the little ones?

"You can't always have what it is you want"

A little callous, I think, but not untrue.

But with a father who was gone,

a replacement who preferred abuse to parenting,

and a mother who more often than not, I had to mother,

not one of them told me how much "want" can feel like "need."

And how needing turns to yearning --

and how yearning means happiness, when what's wanted is near,

and awful hollow pain when it's gone --

If I was going to be so unfulfilled, anyways,

I just wish someone who was supposed to teach me, had given me the knowledge, sooner, that I would be so always full of empty despair --

V. Rue, 2025