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And This Will Go Down On Your Permanent Record......

And This Will Go Down On Your Permanent Record……

One of the biggest struggles I’ve had over the years when dealing with my anxiety is just getting other people to believe that I have anxiety. You would think that after dealing with this for at least 25 years it would get easier, but somehow it just gets harder. Way back when I was but a wee lass, I first started what I think were small panic attacks while I was in school. I had just started a…

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Recently, I had someone question my anxiety to someone else (because coming to me for questions, concerns, and clarifications is apparently taboo). They asked, “If her anxiety is so bad, how does she grocery shop?”. It wasn’t asked out of concern, as if they were worried I was going to run out of food in my apartment and starve to death in a panicked fit. No, this was asked by someone questioning…

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Currently, my life is one drawn-out panic attack after another, and to be perfectly honest I’m not handling it well at all. It seems like every time I start to calm down, something new happens that just makes me spiral further and faster into doom. Up until a few weeks ago, everything was actually starting to look up. After almost 8 years with this company, I was finally getting an almost normal…

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I don’t know if I should continue this blog, or start fresh. I’m at a point where I don’t know what this blog is about, and I don’t know what I’m about. To be honest, I don’t know I’ve moved past this blog, or if my fear of writing for certain people is just holding me back. There is at least one person who reads my posts, for whom I have to censor parts of myself. If not, I find them using what…

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I keep a stack of note paper under my register at work. I jot down ideas for TikToks, for things to write, blog topics, To Do lists. I keep a notebook next to my bed, and jot down the thoughts that wake me up in the middle of the night. I have a sketchbook solely dedicated to dumping whatever is in my brain, and jotting down shit that I need in my journey to self-betterment. But I can’t do a…

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An apology is a full fucking action. It should never be followed by “but……”, and also should never be precluded with “well that never happened….” If someone is brave enough to tell you what’s wrong, and it truly bothers them, then a real apology is needed. This means your take responisbility for your actions and words, and do not place any of the blame on them for the way they are feeling. For…

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When everything starts to go wrong in my life, I like to examine what it is that makes me do certain things, or figure out why certain things seem to happen to me. Usually, I wind up focusing on some strang, tiny, insignificant detail instead of seeming the big picture. But this weekend……… well, I think I figured something pretty significant out about myself. You see, I think I realized why I’ve…

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So of course, no matter how much I planned, things just went totally wrong all day today. First off, it was raining like mad when it was time for me to leave today. Like, I couldn’t see the road from my window at one point because it was raining so hard. I had my work backpack all packed up ahread of time, an egg salad sandwich already made for my lunch, and Bowser Kitten was guarding my work…

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My anxiety is in overdrive right now. Last night towards the end of my shift, my tooth started to hurt. I have had a few dentists work on that area of my mouth in the past, and figured it was just another broken filling. Oh, I was wrong. So very, very, VERY wrong. One of the dentists I saw eventuallyput a filling in my “molar”. Except it wasn’t in my molar. He filled my wisdom tooth. The wisdom…

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I don’t know why I bother with dating sometimes. Since we’ve been in lockduwon yet again because of the pandemic, it’s been damn near impossible to meet anyone outside of work. I learned the hard way after dating The X that when you work in a liquor store, meeting men at work may not always be the best idea. So recently, I decided to try online dating again. Of course, I got the requisit Tinder…

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Well, I guess I’m back????……….. I went out and got myself a laptop. I had some gift cards that I was given that were supposed to be used on groceries in hard times. I can exist on what I can scrounge up on sale and from the dollar store. A tin of muslces, some carrot sticks, rice crackers, maybe a grilled cheese if I’m really hungry. I’ve also been saving up points from a few programs, and have…

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I have so many ideas in my head. There is so much inside of me that I just need to get out…… and I can’t. Before I was too busy to get any writing done. Now I’m just too……. not busy? I have this weight on me, one that I’ve had for ages. Every time I think the weight is getting smaller and easier to bear, someone comes along and adds to it. It’s like every time I get ahead (at least in my own…

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Update: Welcome to my Breakdown....... Yet Again

Update: Welcome to my Breakdown……. Yet Again

Well, it’s been a hot minute since I stopped in here. Things have been……. well….. they’ve just been, let’s put it that way.

Basically, when I moved into this apartment I made a 5-year plan for myself. I would pay off my ridiculous amount of debt, save up a bunch of money, invest more in my retirement funds, and still have time to go to places and do things. Thanks to the COVIDs though, places…

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Quit Waiting for Change to Happen

Quit Waiting for Change to Happen

Even on busy days working from home, I somehow wind up with what seems like too much time on my hands. There’s always stretches of time where I can’t get anything done until a report processes, or I get more info emailed to, or some other mundane thing that gives me a good 15 minutes of radio silence. For the most part, through all of this, I had been filling those gaps with snacks YouTube Vine…

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How I Spent My Summer Vacation

How I Spent My Summer Vacation

It wasns’t exactly a vacation persay, but it’s as close to a vacation as I’ve taken in years. I actually took some time off for myself……. kinda.

OK, let’s just start at the beginning, shall we?

I have worked two jobs throughout this entire COVID situation. While one of the jobs is from home, and is a bit more relaxed in my duties, the other has been essential retail this whole time. Some…

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Do They Make Business Casual Underpants?

Do They Make Business Casual Underpants?

I’ve been working from home for one of my jobs since all of this started back in March. Actually, my first day at this job was the day the office shut down, so I’ve been working from home most of the time I’ve had this job. I still go into the office at least once a week, but the majority of work takes place in my livingroom.

This has presented me with a challenge I had to idea I needed to…

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I'm A Dumbass

I’m A Dumbass

I’ll just get right to it. I’m a dumbass.

There’s two things you need to know about me. One, is that I have a very hard time giving up on people. I totally believe that people can change if they want to, that they can acheive their dreams, that they can become whatever they see to be a better version of themselves. I don’t have it in me to just cut people out of my life because of their…