decadentstegosaurus

[decadentstegosaurus]

i just got into bed and i’m dead

i had such a tough workout that I thought I'd cry on the way home. The worst part is that I'm leaving for camp tomorrow and we're starting training right away. Idk how i will survive that after today

additionally, our days start at 6:00 a.m. and end after 10:00 p.m., de facto curfew is at 11:00 p.m. and all this time is filled with trainings with breaks only for meals

i will not survive that

[decadentstegosaurus]

i went on a bike trip with my friend yesterday wich we ended up in our fencing club. My group has practices only two days a week so today was only for advanced group. I decided to take a part in it. Since i got prescribed the heart medications i decided test them and take a part in exercise called colloquially “puking” bc it results in people feeling bad. I survived but probably only bc the coach instructed me to run slower bc i tend to be problematic in these therms haha. I started from pulse 204 per minute after the first round so i don’t blame him for being cautious. It was funny how he was like

when i said i had 189 after the next round. He wanted me to run even slower bc we were aiming to get me to 150 max. But this is a sign that my medication is working bc i would pass out probably in the first round normally. At the end i had to go home on a bike ;-; it wasn’t as hard as getting the courage to go upstairs to bed

i woke up today, everything hurts and i have to go to my practice in the evening haha ._.

but i am proud of myself for not giving up at least

my fiend wants to kill me bc i knew they will have this exercise since coach told me about his plans the day before. But she needs to understand that he would kill me even more if i told anyone especially her bc she wouldn’t go to the practice 😭

[decadentstegosaurus]

after yet again loosing consciousness durning fencing practice two days ago i went to the doctor. And finally after battling with health system i got treated without the attitude “woman so that’s just being dramatic and overly emotional”. I got prescription for medication to lower my heart rate and maybe it will bring some of functionality to my life that i never had

honestly it’s crazy how much of appointments i had to attend to get medical attention i needed. Bc i would rather to get palpitations bc of my emotions not bc i risked my hands or stood up but no mr doctor i am not getting emotional over these things. Seriously how many times i need to repeat to people things so they understand me. If i’m hurting i know i’m hurting and i know the difference between panic attack and hyperventilation like guys i know what’s going on in my head the best bc i am thinking my thoughts 😭

you cannot tell me that i had literally heart attack symptoms or i passed out multiple times bc i was hyperventilating in the middle of minor physical activity was caused by me thinking about something emotional. Then they are like “so maybe you’re moving too little and you are in poor condition” i am training at least 6 hours a week. I’ve been practicing multiple sports throughout my life

let’s think hmmm, i am practicing sports, i eat healthy, i don’t smoke i drink rarely and i had these symptoms my whole life. Yeah of course it must be my fault that i have tachycardia constantly. Like yeah, obviously i am too emotional or i should practice more bc i have 100 heartbeats per minute as my usual pulse. Not like heart problems are genetically in my family. No that’s just my fault. Tottaly

i hate health system i’m relived someone decided to help me and hopefully this treatment will bring positive results. I have a check up in two weeks so we will see but i’m happy either way since someone listened to me

[decadentstegosaurus]

i died for a bit but i’m back

i had a horrible time lately bc the baccalauréat results came back worse than i expected. I had to write an appeal for one of extended exams and one of basic level bc my teacher believed that they graded me wrong

bc of that i wasn’t accepted in any university at any major i choose. And to write an appeal i had to go back to the hometown by a plane across the country from vacations. Then go back by a train. All of that just for them to deny my appeal. I still think they graded me wrong especially with their explanation and reasoning but i’m too tired to fight with the system

i decided to go to the private university, firstly it was meant to be a law major as i intended on public one but the cybersecurity one caught my eye and i’m going to apply for that. At the end i got onto the waiting list for one of public majors but even if i get in I’ll probably stick with private cybersecurity. I’m not sure if it’s going to work out bc i only know four coding languages and not exactly on advanced level and it’s not only coding but other things but we will see. I’m doing some courses now to gain some knowledge on that aside of doing a car license. Also this major is in law department not informatics or mathematical so it could be different. I think it’s a good idea and i feel lighter with it than law one less pressure definitely and more certain job path

i cried so much, i feel exactly like i’m in the state i was before i went to therapy for depression couple years ago, i came home from vacations today and my mom noticed that i have gray hairs so adulthood is definitely not good for my mental health 😭

[decadentstegosaurus]

today a man in the fencing club wished me some things for my name day, and he told me that he sees that i am better now

i never thought that people noticed, me getting netter nor me not being fine at the beginning of me being in the club

that’s nice to hear, that someone else appreciates that i’m doing better but i wonder how people perceived me back then

also about getting better i got so many compliments on my dueling skills from more advanced people that i was genuinely shocked hod good it went today especially when it started terrible bc i can’t stand hot weather, maybe not that i stand it, well that too, but in not dealing with it very well, its weird how my body reacts sometimes bc i literally can lament about how i am boiling and next second i am shivering with goosebumps bc for some reason i’m cold out of nowhere

last couple days i forget everything and it’s annoying, but what’s more annoying is that i started stuttering, i have never experienced stutter in my life and now it appeared bothers me couple times a day and it’s so frustrating i never had this problem before

[decadentstegosaurus]

there’s p in raspberry WTFFFF

[decadentstegosaurus]

i can’t 😭

i just downloaded a daily fact widget and my pinterest board has perfect timing

[decadentstegosaurus]

i was taking a bath earlier and every couple minutes (i guess, i don’t know how long) i was jerking up as i would be asleep but i wasn’t, it’s so weird like i was lying in water with my eyes closed and the second i closed them i was immediately drifting away in thoughts like scenarios but more like dreams but still not asleep

i wider if that was daydreaming i heard about but i’m not sure, really similar to how vivid my dreams are the thought process similar to scenarios but my scenarios are more of retelling certain memories or wondering what will happen in the nearest future but not as real as this one

it was cool tho i don’t remember it in contrast to me remembering all of my dreams

i actually went to sleep afterwards and had very interesting one but i can’t explain it with words tbh

[decadentstegosaurus]

i can’t, i woke up at 3 am with my neck hurting so much that i couldn’t move it and i called my mom on the phone she didn’t pick up i was so scared i started shouting and she came massaged my back bc it was really tense wich could me the reason and put mi down on floor to sleep on something hard in the morning it was again bad and i vomited from pain after a lot of compresses gels painkillers i can move it a little bit more but still i can’t look straight forward

the worst part is that i had an amazing sunday and i want to go to the practice tomorrow and on wednesday i’m going for a sleepover at my friend’s and then another practice and the biggest one of all a party for the end of fencing season which is an awesome day

last normal party at our fencing club was for no reason and i stayed there for around 12 hours this time it will last probably almost 24 XD

[decadentstegosaurus]

very VERY specific “what’s in my bag” as a scared of living teenager

it’s a starter pack what i take with me no matter where i’m going, with this bag specifically i always go to practice so i have my fencing equipment but beside that a book, nintendo console, laptop or ipad may occur all in all most of the time i walk with around 10 kilograms on my back but everything is needed sometimes!!!

all smaller things are put in the thin wallet and secured with rubber band also emergency spare change is here and there

obviously my phone and airpods are with me all the time in the pockets

the toys are always attracting my friend’s attention the lucky car is just lucky for tournaments and exams etc i bought it and decided that it will be lucky xd however the astronaut lego figure is in a case where i will end up helping a kid or something in a stressing or boring situation idk may be useful

[decadentstegosaurus]

nvm i got third place xdd

but it was in fact awful bc i had a fight with my dad on the way to the tournament and i cried full hour drive then between duels also i ended up in groups with only men and i lost everything but trophy part was only with women so i had more chances

i’m tweakin’ definitely undeniably certainly not ready for tomorrow’s championship 😭😭😭

four saviors of apocalypse: zyrtec, sedative pills, a water bottle i should’ve thrown out but i am reusing it until it’s looking too awful and a tube of oatmeal mousse bc i don’t have time to eat chewing food between duels

i’m going to mess this up sooo bad 🥲

[decadentstegosaurus]

i’m tweakin’ definitely undeniably certainly not ready for tomorrow’s championship 😭😭😭

four saviors of apocalypse: zyrtec, sedative pills, a water bottle i should’ve thrown out but i am reusing it until it’s looking too awful and a tube of oatmeal mousse bc i don’t have time to eat chewing food between duels

i’m going to mess this up sooo bad 🥲

[decadentstegosaurus]

hii

this day was quite unproductive. I woke up earlyish and first thing i did was arguing with my friend bc instead of joining them for a beer in the bar i stayed in our fencing club and watched football match with some of other friends also from the club. At least they weren’t as black out drinking as them and director of the club took me and our friend to our houses so it was nicer

today was really lazy, i played some games, the sims 4 and “lost but found” which i discovered yesterday and it’s awesome

my package came in so i started my new journal, but i need to wait a bit to actually end my old one i just couldn’t wait to decorate it, the photos are mine also silhouette reveal i guess haha

it’s not finished but i will add more things as time go one as usual

btw putting transparent plastic envelops in the back life changing

i started doubting my strength and pain tolerance bc of that star keychain (╥_╥)

then my mom made us cotton candy and a dinner afterwards we were segregating my trash bags bc i did a general cleaning of my room. Also my sister was searching through a huge box of things i didn’t want and took most of it haha

and i think that’s it from more interesting stuff

tomorrow i will go out for a dinner with my grandma and after that as always to the club for practice, i need to take my equipment home bc i have a tournament on sunday, a little bit stressed honestly bc i cannot focus durning duels lately

we’ll see we’ll see

how was your day?

bisous à bientôt!!

Domi

[decadentstegosaurus]

our team did awesome on the championships and everyone was so happy and excited when they visited club to put away the equipment durning our practice it was so lovely 🥹

[decadentstegosaurus]

my fountain pen snapped in half out of nowhere

(;´༎ຶٹ༎ຶ`)

i’m done and this bitch fell from my hand when i was examining what happened, covered the floor with ink and my notebook before i grabbed some paper it leaked on my journal page with fencing photos

funny enough i was just thinking about this photo i saw lately

pretty ironic don’t you think?

[decadentstegosaurus]

morning with a book and toast with white cinnamon cheese 🥰

in the evening yesterday i found a chrome extension allowing me to have a additional subtitles

it’s a game changer i need to have french subtitles to understand french dubbing but english ones to learn new words also it saves me bc disney doesn’t have french subtitles alone for some reason

i decided to watch “jake et les pirates du pays imaginaire” bc it’s easier with clear basic language for kids also i liked this cartoon as a child so i can relive it without a guilt of spending time on a cartoon

i wanted to find cartoons for teaching kids french like dora, yk by introducing words and it’s not entirely french but i only found specifically french cartoons

also it’s annoying that dora need a to teach languages in different languages like she’s teaching spanish in english and english in polish and so on ._.

[decadentstegosaurus]

every year i tell everyone “nahh i don’t have allergies, poor people tho it must suck” and then i wake up with swollen roof of my mouth one eye is now even watering its crying my throat burning and then im like “i guess i got an allergy” every year its the same story xdddd

i swear i cannot accept it as it is i just go through it every year surprised on basic pills and then “geez that was tough good thing i don’t have allergies, it won’t come back” XD