defnotingotham

[defnotingotham]

BatFamily Incorrect Quotes Pt.2

Damian: What would Duke think?

Dick: Ok, that’s an interesting thought, but hear me out: what if… we ran an experiment where we spend the rest of our lives finding our what happened if we never told them.

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Jason: How did you break your leg?

Tim: Do you see those porch stairs/

Jason: Yes?

Tim: I didn’t

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Cass: fast forwards all the way through the movie

Dick: You cant just skip to the happy ending

Cass: I dont have time for their problems

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Cass: of course i have a lot of pent-up rage you fool! I’ve been the same height since i was twelve!

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the kids at Disneyland, in the teacups

Duke, Dick & Steph: spinning a little land talking

Cass, Jason & Damian: flying past them, spinning as fast as they can, screaming

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Tim: is stabbing someone immoral?

Cass, signs: not if they consent to it.

Steph: depends on why you’re stabbing

Dick: YES?!?!

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in the chip aisle at Walmart, doing a late night grocery run

Dick: minding their own business, looking for tortilla chips

Dick: finds tortilla chips

Jason to Damian: See, he knows what he’s here for, he knows what he’s doing. Be more like him. Make a decision, Damian!

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Tim: rules were made to be broken

Dick: they were made to be followed. Nothing is made to be broken.

Duke: Uh, pinatas

Steph: glow sticks

Jason: karate boards

Damian: spaghetti when you have a small pot

Tim: rules

Dick:

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Steph: HYDRATE OR DIE-DRATE

Steph: aggressively throws water bottles

Damian: uh…whats up with them

Cass, signs: they’re trying to yell mental health and wellbeing into us

Steph: I APPRECIATE ALL OF YOU

Duke, crying: its working

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Damian: :)

Duke: >:(

Damian: Turn that frown upside down

Duke: ):<

Damian: not sure what I was expecting

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Duke, in a room with Dick, Steph & Cass: its calm in here

Duke: it scares me

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Tim: in my defense, i was left unsupervised

Cass: wasn’t Duke with you

Duke: in my defense, i was also left unsupervised

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Steph: i failed my safety training course today

Duke: Why, what happened

Steph: Well, one of the questions was “In case of a fire, what steps would you take?”

Duke: And?

Steph: well apparently “FUCKING LARGE ONES” isnt an acceptable answer

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Steph: when you work at Lush and a customer comes in and bites the soap because they think it its cheese…this happens way more frequently than you think

Damian: if you stopped literally presenting soap as deli food this wouldn’t happen

Steph: who goes into a bath store and thinks something covered in glitter and cheese.

Cass: who goes to the store and just takes a bite from the cheese.

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Damian: I think its time to start fucking some shit up

Duke: Oh no

Damian: more like “Oh yes”

[defnotingotham]

jason todd who reads (mainly) classics and has read 'Little Women' more times than I've watched the movie (which has been a lot) and cries everytime at Beth's death (because like same) but because the book reminds him of his own brothers and his death

[defnotingotham]

Batfamily Incorrect Quotes Pt.1

Steph: Tim won’t wake up, what do I do? 

Damian: Did you try kicking them? 

Steph: Yes. 

Damian: I’m out of ideas.

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Duke: Damn, the power went out. 

Steph: Don’t worry, I got this. 

Steph: *stomps foot* 

Duke: What-? 

Steph: *Sketchers light up*

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Tim: You’re like an oyster. Not appealing on the outside, but your insides are worth a lot of money!

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Cass: Every time I hear someone talking about updog, I’m torn between not wanting to fall for it and wanting to help them complete their joke. 

Duke: Okay, but what is updog? 

Steph: Updog is a long sausage in a bun, often served with ketchup, mustard, onions, and/or relish. 

Damian: No, that’s a hot dog. An updog is when a new version or patch of an application is released. 

Dick: No, that's an update. You’re thinking of the fourth largest city in Sweden. 

Tim: Surely, that’s Uppsala, where’s updog is the giant spider in Harry Potter. 

Cass: That’s Aragog. Updog is a symbol conventionally used for an arbitrarily small number in analysis proofs. 

Damian: You’re thinking of epsilon. Updog is an upward-moving air current. 

Steph: No, that’s an updraft. An updog is the modern version of a henway. 

Duke: What’s a henway?? 

Cass: Oh, about five pounds.

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Jason: So what color are the walls of your room? 

Steph: My walls are white I think. 

Tim: She's lying, I’ve been to their room, it’s pale yellow. 

Steph: No, it’s white. It just looks yellow because of the ceiling light. 

Tim: Your wall looks like someone rubbed butter on them. 

Duke: Your walls look like someone threw dandelions at them. 

Cass: Your walls look like someone put post-it notes on them for 3 hours. 

Damian: Your walls look like you bought a can of yellow paint, and instead of opening it, you just sat there thinking about the possibilities. 

Tim: The color of your walls is the La Croix of yellow.

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Jason: *working in a flower shop and minding their own business* 

Duke, storming into the store and slapping $20 on the counter: HOW DO I PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVELY SAY “FUCK YOU” IN FLOWER???

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Tim: Everyone, calm down! We're grown-ups, let's deal with this like adults! 

Steph: So, we're just going to wing it and hope for the best? 

Tim: Obviously. Now, Damian , pass the shovel

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Duke: PEASANT. I REQUIRE SUSTENANCE. 

Jason: You know there are other ways to say you want McDonalds. 

Duke: FOUL PLEBEIAN. YOU DARE SPEAK AGAINST ME— 

Jason: *sigh* What do you want? 

Duke: Chicken nuggets please.

(duke learned this from damian)

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Cass: Would you take a bullet for me? 

Damian: ...yes? 

*Jason angrily burst into the room* 

Cass: *running away* Great, thanks!

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Tim: Astrology is fun because I can pretend that all of my behaviors are just a result of being a Cancer and not symptoms of mental illness. 

Steph: Being a Cancer is a mental illness. That’s not hate, it's just a fact.

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Steph: Standing next to sunflowers always makes me feel weak like ‘look at this fucking flower. This flower is taller than I am. This flower is winning and I’m losing.’ 

Duke: Wow, you are not ready to hear about trees.

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Damian, throwing their head into Tim's lap: Tell me I'm pretty! 

Tim, lovingly stroking their hair: You're pretty fucking annoying, that's what you are.

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Tim: Guys… the principal just called— 

Steph: It was Cass! 

Cass: It was Duke! 

Duke: It was Damian! 

Damian: It was me!

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Jason: I truly believe that water can solve all your problems. 

Damian: Weight loss? Drink water. 

Tim: Clear skin? Drink water. 

Cass: Want to get rid of someone? Drown them.

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Steph: You know you can die from that, right? 

Dick: *smoking a cigarette* That’s the point. 

Cass: *drinking alcohol* We’re trying to speed this up. 

Tim: *Eating raw cookie dough and nodding*

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Duke, to Dick: How do you tell someone politely you want to hit them with a brick?

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Jason: You are now one day closer to eating your next plate of nachos. 

Duke: That's the most hopeful thing I've ever heard. 

Steph: But what if I die tomorrow and never eat any nachos? 

Tim: Then tomorrow is nacho lucky day.

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Tim: GET BACK HERE YOU DUMB FUCK! 

Jason: LET ME RUN FROM THE CONSEQUENCES OF MY ACTIONS!

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*talking on the phone* 

Duke: Remember how I said that Steph and I were gonna have a calm night out for once? 

Jason: Yeah… 

Duke: Well, we’re in jail. 

Jason: *hangs up*

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Jason: Vegetable oil is made from vegetables, coconut oil is made from coconuts, so BABY OIL- 

Duke: CAN'T WE JUST HAVE A NICE FAMILY DINNER FOR ONCE?!

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Steph: Oh shoot! 

Steph: Excuse my vulgarity. 

Duke: I’ll let it slide.

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Damian: I have so much energy, I want to run a marathon or commit a crime... which should I do? 

Duke: Please don’t get arrested. 

Damian: No promises! :3 

Tim: Why not both? Get creative! 

Damian: Wonderful suggestion, thank you. 

Duke: Please don’t encourage him, Tim.

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Steph: What if we were stranded on a desert island? Who would you eat? 

Duke: Cass. 

Steph: So fast? Wh-what about me? I would eat you! 

Duke: That’s very nice, I guess. 

Steph: Why wouldn’t you eat me? I’m your best friend. 

Duke: Look, if other people are having some, I’ll try you.

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Duke: Do you see yourself as a glass half-full or glass half-empty kind of person? 

Damian: Half-full, definitely. 

Damian: Half-full and constantly rising. 

Damian: Soon the water will escape its container and consume us all.

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Duke: Why does Damian always do the laundry so loudly? 

Cass: So everyone knows that no one helps them out in the house. 

Damian, in the distance: *slams the washing machine shut*

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Jason: Nothing feels better than winning Monopoly. Not love, not sex, not free pizza, nothing! 

Steph: I’m sorry, have you tried pizza? 

Jason: Yes, and it doesn’t compare to owning half the board and watching the light die from your friend’s eyes as you take their money and feel your friendship slowly deteriorate. 

Duke: I like you.

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Jason: Are you ever going to listen to me? 

Damian: Yes. Absolutely. 

Jason: When? 

Damian: When you're right.

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Dick: Jason... 

Jason: I can tell by the tone of your voice that you are disappointed. Alas, I must further disappoint you by affirming how little I give a fuck.

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Damian: Unfortunately, due to several experiences in my youth, I cannot just 'walk up and join a circle of people talking', but it does sound lovely, thank you.

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Dick: What kinds of sounds annoy you? 

Duke: Are we talking real sounds or imaginary ones? 

Dick, now interested: Lets say imaginary. 

Duke: Spiders wearing flip flops.

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Dick: Why are you two always out during rainstorms? 

Cass: It’s so peaceful and refreshing. I love the smell of rain. 

Tim: Duke bet me I couldn’t get struck by lighting, but they’re WRONG.

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Duke: I’m not being weird. Am I being weird? 

Jason: Yes, and that’s coming from me.

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Steph: Remember that time you dared me to lick a swing set? 

Damian: No, I said "Steph, don't lick that swing set" and you said "Don't tell me what to do" and licked the swing set.

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*Dick is in the kitchen and he hears a crash from the living room* 

Dick, running into the living room: WHAT ON EARTH HAPPENED HERE?!?! 

Duke, looking at the broken TV screen and the remote on the floor: I was trying to throw the remote onto the TV stand! 

Dick: And Tim didn’t stop you?! 

Duke, pointing at a sleeping Tim: They’ve been asleep for the past three hours. 

Damian, walking in, oblivious to the situation: Hey guys- 

Damian, realizing: Wait, is the TV broken? Why?! 

Dick, pointing at Duke: They threw the remote onto the TV stand. 

Damian: Come on! That’s the 5th time this week and it’s 2 in the morning on a Tuesday! 

Tim, waking up to see the situation: *yawns* How long was I out? 

Tim, seeing the broken TV: OH GOSH NOT AGAIN! DUKE, I TOLD YOU NOT TO! 

Duke: You were asleep! And I always take a window of opportunity when I see it! 

Dick and Damian, in unison: But you broke the- 

Duke: My work here is done. If anyone asks, I was never. *dashes out of the living room*

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Damian: Come on, you need to go to bed. 

Cass: Mr. Snuffles says that I can stay up as long as I want. And that you need to die! 

Damian: … 

Damian: What the hell, Mr. Snuffles—

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Duke: Well please don’t let Tim do anything stupid… 

Cass: Stupid by my standards or yours? 

Duke: 

Duke: Stupid by my mother’s standards. 

Cass: Smart. Tim will live longer.

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Tim: Cass, keep an eye on Damian today. They're going to say something to the wrong person and get punched. 

Cass: Sure, I'd love to see Damian getting punched. 

Jason: Try again. 

Cass, sighing: I will try to stop Damian from getting punched.

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Duke: Yes, I'm adopting Cass and you cowards can't tell me no!

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Dick: I’m scared that when you become rich and famous you’ll be embarrassed by me. 

Duke: Oh Dick, I’m already embarrassed by you.

[defnotingotham]

I'm making homemade oreos today so I raise you:

Duke being the only one allowed in the kitchen for the sole reason that he is able to make homemade oreo dora cakes.

Like it all started, one early morning because he couldn't sleep, and so he's walking into the kitchen for a snack to refuel and put him to sleep, when he spots them. The 3 party size packs of oreos.

Surely, no one was gonna be using them in the next hour, so he decides to make a dessert that he used to make all the time, dora cakes.

For the next hour and a half, he spent over the stove, whisking and blending away to make these dora cakes. once he's close to finishing, he sees a screen boot up in the middle of the dark dining room and knows exactly who it is. He grabs out a dessert plate and plates a couple and brings them out to the visitor.

Enter Tim, who isn't the biggest fan of sweets (liar) and was appointed taste tester as of today by Duke.

Tim: what are these?

Duke: Homemade oreos *takes the seat next to him* I need you to test them before Alfred gets up.

Tim stares in questioning as if he's being set up or about to be poisoned.

Tim: Alright *picks up one up and takes a bite* also, dont worry about Alfred

Duke: Why not? you know how he feels about others being in the kitchen

Tim: well for one, these are really good, and two he's already in the kitchen finishing up

Duke: ok good *realization* wait-

from then on Duke is the only one who is allowed in the kitchen without Alfred and will always appoint Tim as his taste tester.

[defnotingotham]

Cass: What do you have a fear of, if you have this phobia

Cass: Trisk...ka

Cass: holy cow that's a big word

Cass: Trisk...ka

Cass: seriously look at this thing *walks over to Duke* Duke how do you say this word

Duke: Let me see that

Cass: This one right here

Duke: triskaidekaphobia

Jason: *releases breath* FEAR OF TRISCUITS

Cass: No, no, fear of the number thirteen

Duke: fear of triscuits?

Jason: its possible... they have really sharp edges

(they're just preparing for trivia night, dont mind them)

[defnotingotham]

Damian *looking panicked*: Has anyone seen Junebug

Duke: No? *looks to Cass and Jason for help*

Cass, signing: It's his spider plant

Jason, not looking up from his book: He's getting a shower, remember

Jason, flatly: You said he was looking a little dry lately.

Damian: *sigh of relief*, I can't believe I forgot that.

[defnotingotham]

in my head, Duke has like Chandler Bing level of sarcasm and it’s mainly with Steph or Tim cause it jut flows easy with those two. Like he’s loves the family with all of his heart but he’s just so done with them at the same time.