diary-of-guy

[diary-of-guy]

Been seeing people get mad at toriel for drinking and bringing a strange man into the house, and it's got me thinking.

It's not just toriel. So far arcs that have happened include

-Ralsei teaching Susie how to heal, and then undervaluing her efforts, causing her to lose confidence in her abilities.

-Susie being the number one Ralsei supporter, but also doing things that reinforce his belief that he is somehow lesser (Using him as a stepping stool, putting the controllers back to normal and in doing so cutting short the first moment of real autonomy he's ever experienced).

-Lancer throwing Susie in jail to protect her from his dad and his dad from her.

-Queen trying to protect noelle by turning her face into a robot.

-Tenna trying to make kris have fun by force.

-As clearly evidenced by the chapter 4 snowgrave continuation, kris does sincerely care about Noelle. And yet most of the stories she has of them are about kris being sort of bad to her. Playing pranks, hiding under her bed, chasing her around and scaring her. Noelle doesn't even know if Kris thinks of her as a friend. There is nothing we can do that makes Kris angrier than hurting her.

And it seems to me that this game is, at least in part, about the ways that you can hurt people you really do care about, without meaning to, without even realizing that's what you're doing. It's about people failing to be good to each other, and it's also about forgiveness in the wake of it. These characters are trying, dammit, and the narrative says that that's worth something, even if their best efforts aren't enough to stop them from fucking it up a little.

[diary-of-guy]

no shade to kris x anyone shippers but the fact that pretty much every "romantic" scene they have with others is somehow forced or otherwise made uncomfortable (the secret scene with the "real" game when game!kris tries to stab real susie and real kris pulls her back, the ralsei hugs in chapters 1 & 2, the Entire Weird Route, etc.) feels very meaningful to me.

esp. wrt deltarune's themes around questioning narrative expectations and the idea that "this happens because this is the sort of story where it will", including romance as one of the things that stories just Have which is being called into question is very resonant to me as an aroace person.

(also just to preempt the "kris blushes during these scenes" argument: you've never blushed because you were embarrassed? you've never been embarrassed to look silly in front of someone you platonically admire?)

[diary-of-guy]

.imagine if kris as aroace and we are aroace and we find this out about eachother and have a moment of solidarity then it's back to kris shoving us (the red soul we inhabit) in a cage or something. anyways

[diary-of-guy]

also, second deltarune analysis post on my personal diary tumblr lmao, i think its very very interesting (read: DEEPLY SAD) that whenever kris de-possesses themself they start eating and drinking a lot. like the pie, drinking all the hot chocolate

because it makes you realize we are NOT feeding that kid. we give them food items in the dark world but those canonically dont provide you anything in the overworld. i know all those comments about kris looking bad/in poor health are probably more in reference to how consistently they are pulling out their soul but oh my god i think they also haven't been eating consistently for the past 4 days

no matter what route you do we the players are always ABSOLUTE SUPERVILLAINS to kris

[diary-of-guy]

aroace kris can mean something very special and personal to me and also fit in perfectly with the themes of deltarune. like fuck is there anything more invoking more sheer existential dread in me than feeling forced to act out these alien expectations of intimacy and closeness that you just DON'T GET IT AT ALL. trying to say something flattering and intimate to make someone feel good, that you feel expected to say, and delivering it wrong. feeling worse about it when people start responding in kind but not being able to vocalize why. and if you don't act immensely appreciative of being the recipent of others attention, you're the strange one

anyway this is all me overthinking how i think kerdly is funny as fuck and would be a good dynamic if i wasn't deeply emotionally disturbed by the context of having absolutely no free will in romantic situations

[diary-of-guy]

happy hollidays

[diary-of-guy]

okayyyyy coming back to the ocd theory now

[diary-of-guy]

nothing happened to me i dont know why i react like this but nothing happened to me

[diary-of-guy]

im backkk

decided to get a new therapist for COMPLETELY unrelated reasons to my current self esteem issues (what i THOUGHT was going to be addressed) and now ive been sobbing for 15 minutes

[diary-of-guy]

ANYWAYS EMBARASSINGLY FOR ME i was like. happy and stable these past two weeks o(-(

me refiguring out that i need a routine to be content, every year: wow!

[diary-of-guy]

maybe this is kind of a bitchy thing to say but i wish the lithromantic tag wasnt all filled with educational content about arospec identities or general "you be you!" posts - like dont get me wrong yall are doing wonderful stuff im sure but i just wanna see some niche lithro experience content

[diary-of-guy]

Amy is lithromantic and Sonic is (canon) aro so Amy will never stop liking Sonic cause he'll never return her feelings I'm so frickin smart I have the hugest brain

Aphobes DNI obvi. Also proshippers get blocked.

[diary-of-guy]

i have to consilt the positivity diary now good night everyone

[diary-of-guy]

at least telling my internet diary makes me feel better. yall are gonna be RECEIVING some info since im going back to college tmrw and wont have therapy this week

[diary-of-guy]

yall i thoight doing this was supposed to make you feel BETTER not like shit i think ill never be emotionally available ever again

[diary-of-guy]

(is open and honest with someone for once) (other than my therapist)

okay now this time im really going to do it!

[diary-of-guy]

at least i remember today that people do make me happy. perhaps i can use this moment whenever im being stupud and edgy again!