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today’s itinerary:

dramatically turn into mist

dramatically reform from mist

cancel all plans

dramatically re-mist out the window

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mina: I’m so worried about jonathan

me, standing behind a door with a quill in my teeth and his boots on the wrong feet, trying to remember which ink smells less like blood: what a mystery

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Just tripped on the same pair of Jonathan’s shoes again.

He has not worn them in three weeks.

He has not moved them in three weeks.

He watches me trip and does nothing.

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@doctorjohnseward @sewards-phonograph @secretphonograph

@the-renfield @unwavering-devotion

hehehe

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You return to us!! Hello! How are the waters?

water is great! blood is better! and there’s soo much of it on this ship :P

I’ll talk to you later, by the way. This line is not very secure.

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While I will not be partaking in any form of “gestation” in the traditional human sense, male or otherwise (England is not the best place for this, nor I the best individual for the job), it would serve you both well to remember that functional male gestation has always been possible.

Vampires have always been a… metaphor, of sorts. It would do us well to remember our roots.

Mpreg WILL serve you greatly in england it will

Perhaps, my friend, you would do better to trouble a doctor with such questions; for unless the nature of man has changed greatly in these past four centuries, I believe you shall find his anatomy is not quite as you imagine it.

Indeed, you might even find Mr. Renfield’s own doctor most suited to hear your ideas. He is accustomed, after all, to those whose minds have wandered far from reason.

These are the places at which you may write to him, or otherwise make yourself known: @doctorjohnseward @sewards-phonograph @secretphonograph

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do you hold suspicions that quincey and arthur are fucking

I have absolutely no idea who those people are. However, if they’re anything like my roommates?

Definitely.

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have conk concush conq head pain. shovels=bad

ow

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anyone else think “it’s midnight, I have plenty of time to steal a baby, dust jonathan’s room and fix the locks” and then at 6am you’ve forgotten the baby and tripped over the letters you were meant to send out on the 19th

and only now are you discovering that at some point when you were napping there was a human in your room

just me?

I’m going to off m- a horse from a Texan cowboy. I’m going to send a bat to drink its blood.

How fast do we think the sun rises?

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But if we post his letters late, we can pretend the postal system is even more delayed than it actually is. Which means it is significantly less suspicious if his correspondents don’t hear from him for a month, because they can simply assume the horse riding across the continent carrying the letters was misplaced.

Or I’m just coping because I completely forgot about his letters for two weeks and I was really hoping nobody would have caught on.

I'm the flavor of neurodivergent where I am a stickler for timeline continuity. A particularly strong pet peeve of mine. Nothing pulls me out of the narrative faster than when the timeline isn't mathing properly.

Which brings me to today's Dracula entry. Gets me every year.

June 25th entry:

Last night one of my post-dated letters went to post, the first of that fatal series which is to blot out the very traces of my existence from the earth.

HOWEVER.... according to the May 19th entry:

I therefore pretended to fall in with his views, and asked him what dates I should put on the letters. He calculated a minute, and then said:— "The first should be June 12, the second June 19, and the third June 29." I know now the span of my life. God help me!

So, the letter Dracula had Jonathan post-date as June 12th FINALLY went out the evening of June 24th???? When Dracula wanted the last of those letters to go out on the 29th???

Mr. Bram Stoker, I expected better of you.... You couldn't just go back to the May 19th entry and edit the dates Dracula mentioned so they better fit the final timeline you created?

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Don’t be ridiculous. I didn’t steal all of Jonathan’s clothes.

And he could’ve just worn one of my capes.

I'm still not over Dracula stealing Johnny's clothes. This book is just so much goddam weirder than any film gives it credit for.

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I love gallivanting around in Jonathan’s suits, performing evil and yelling at old women.

Peak of my afterlife.

(Why do the women even bother coming after me? It’s not like I haven’t already made an example of everyone before her who’s tried. Believing that she’s special because of the power of love.

Newsflash: all the other babies had the power of love as well.)

Anyways, I had a dream after that about Jonathan. Very weird occurrence. I wonder what happened to cause it.

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It’s actually survivorship bias! All the altruistic vampires off themselves rather than drain other people for their blood. Very inconvenient.

expecting a vampire to be kind/not mean/a healthy person is so fucking funny to me. Do you go to the soup aisle and get annoyed and surprised when there’s soup there

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Funny story. I tried to hire a few werewolves a while back. A wolf turned up claiming he could turn into a human.

He couldn’t, of course. Unsure why he felt the need to lie on his job application when I was very open to having more normal wolves as well.

😅 Frankenstein’s monster would be a nice touch.

Dear people adapting Dracula,

If you really want to adapt a story that has never been adapted well like that one and don't want to follow the material, just... go so nuts with it that nobody would ever expect it to have anything to do with the source material in the first place. Bring in Frankenstein's monster. Add some werewolves.

look, just be Van Helsing.

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#of the many English words I have studied#this one is yet unknown to me

You think that’s bad. Someone said they wanted to forcefem me and I still haven’t found that word in any dictionary I own.

You have cunty fur coats? I love it when you have cunty fur coats.

Do you have some cunty sunglasses too?

Your tongue is strange to me, but I sense that it is meant as praise, however vulgar its form.

Much of what I possess I leave behind in Transylvania, for what need has the serpent of his old skin when crossing into a new world? I travel light, my friend.

But if "cunty" sunglasses are a mark of fashion in London, then I shall obtain them soon enough. One must not appear foreign in foreign lands.

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upon learning that the upcoming Dracula movie is yet another Dracula/Mina romance, here is an incomplete list of things that would be more interesting in an adaptation than a Dracula/Mina romance:

A romance between Dracula and literally any other character

An origin story for the lady vampires

A feature length adaptation of the Demeter plot (yes, I know this exists already, it deserves more adaptations)

A Dracula origin story set at the Scholomance

Mina and Jonathan going into that "unknown and terrible land" together

Dracula deciding that, rather than just murdering people, he can offer sex in exchange for blood, and chooses to go to London to do this because the locals will not be receptive. He awkwardly tries to ask Jonathan about prostitution in London and Jonathan's proper gentleman sensibilities are affronted

Dracula gets committed to Seward's asylum, somehow

Dracula gets stuck in wolf form and gets adopted by one of the protagonists

Dracula and his ladies go to Van Helsing, expert on the occult that he is, to ask for help trying to conceive

The Crew of Light try to imprison Dracula rather than destroy him, theorizing that, if they can find a way to cure him, everyone he's turned will be cured

Dracula's sexy immortal vampire harem kicking him out of his own castle because they're sick of his shit

Dracula and Van Helsing as bitter exes

The solicitor who gets sent to Dracula is now Gabriel John Utterson, hoping for a nice relaxing vacation after all the Dr. Jekyll business

Sherlock Holmes, somehow

Dracula marries Mrs. Westenra

Dracula is in the Wild West and gets attacked by vampire hunting cowboys

Dracula being so creeped out by Renfield's obsession and vows of servitude that he flees to another country (to which Renfield follows him)

Oscar Wilde fucks Dracula

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To respond to some allegations I’ve heard,

I did not in fact steal Jonathan’s clothes because I somehow messed them up while doing the laundry. The absence of his suits is purely so that he cannot leave the castle without looking completely undignified.

And that shirt was stained pink before he even came here. Honestly. The fact that one of my red ties is now slightly less red is a complete coincidence and should not be considered.