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Inner Critic Coaches

So I've been reading CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker as of late and he talks about the CPTSD Inner Critic to be like an incessant shitty coach you have to fire. He likens the correction of negative self-talk to establishing new, healthier "coaches".

As one does, I have made an animatic of myself telling this Inner Critic "no" in rage and firing them, introducing a new set of coaches.

More about my CPTSD recovery below.

In my early life, my parents have neglected and emotionally & physically abused me. As such, I've developed abandonment depression, unhealthy attachment, toxic shame, and I was conditioned to have an insistent Inner Critic that mirrored my parents' contempt and disgust with me.

I realized this in my adolescence. Grieved what I was deprived of, improved my relationship skills. But that only scratched the surface.

In reality, the trauma ran so far deep that it was affecting my very subconscious and the natural way I react and respond to the world. In my teenage arrogance, I thought I had it "all figured out ", but it's put my future, my career, my connections and relationships, my very way of functioning in jeopardy. Point blank, I was an irrational, unreasonable whirlwind of a person. It was only when every aspect of my life reached an excruciating boiling point at the same time [as a consequence of my own misbehaviors and irrational decisions] that it truly sunk in how deeply the trauma ran.

So I had to lock the fuck in. Really dig deep into this trauma and work it out. For the ones I love. For me.

But how do I even achieve this? I live in a third-world country, a pastor's daughter, Filipino. I have no easy access to professional support, nor do I have the support to find such a thing.

So I turned to the internet. To books and online communities. The Kindle my dad so unceremoniously passed down to me became a lifeline and a saving grace. The copious amounts of time I have due to being unemployed and not enrolled gave me the space to focus and intensively work through my trauma.

It's hard, I'll admit. Especially considering that I still live with the very people who wronged me. It's lonely. It's constant vigilance, unending correction, hours of reading and writing and typing to pick myself apart. I've only just started and it feels like a Sisyphean task. But I know it'll be worth it. In fact, it already is.

If anyone wants to know what books I would recommend:

I Used To Be A Miserable F*ck by John Kim. Intended towards men who were raised in toxic, hegemonic ideals of masculinity, it still applies so heavily to CPTSD victims. After all, boys tend to be neglected more than girls as children and Kim recognizes that. It taught me a lot about accountability, giving one's self grace, and growing emotionally and relationally as a person, all packaged in an easy-to-read, heartfelt, and relatable package.

Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward. Though I have not yet read the book in its entirety, its section on how to effectively deal with emotional blackmail resonates with me deeply, especially since I experience emotional blackmail regularly from living with my parents. It addresses the "fawn" reaction that victims have, and the low-self esteem and self-abandonment that it sprouts from. Forward's analysis of emotional blackmailers and their victims, and her program for recovery is effective and leaves a lasting impression.

CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker. I'm only halfway through this book, but so far this has been my saving grace. Walker thoroughly discusses the causes of CPTSD and the resulting condition, and then walks the reader through very comprehensive and organized steps towards recovery. It's easy to understand and is consequently highly accessible, even for those very early on in recovery.

The guidance of these books have been priceless. If you do end up reading them, please do so eagerly and with an open heart and mind, and follow through with the advice within them even if it feels silly or inconsequential. I promise, it helps. The journaling, the meditation, the self-examination, the internal dialogues, the exercises. If not for recovery's sake, try to at least humor the writers. You may find it helpful.

That aside though, for anyone with CPTSD who has read this far:

Recovery is worth it. The peace it will bring will be so, so sweet. If you're suffering from the shame, anxiety, and dread, I feel you. I'm with you. It's difficult to live this way and it's sickeningly tempting to escape it, however you may. But choosing to face it in the face of that fear is going the be the best, most courageous, most loving decision you can make for yourself and for your connections and relationships. I promise.

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so my hair is long again lol I did come back

genderfluid but not in a "is it a girl day or boy day today" way but in a "my soul has lived here for too long. the doorframes are chipped and the walls are sun-faded; the wood rots and the nails rust. this house was once home but today it is no longer. will I ever be back? maybe one day. but come tomorrow this place is dead to me." on a random wednesday and then chopping all my hair off way

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random thing but I noticed that "pookie" has sorta become a relationship of its own in this day and age. it could mean anyone you have a particular, special fondness for regardless of the nature of the relationship and personally I think that's a win for aroaces

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I'm 19.

I'm 19 and it still doesn't feel any different.

I'm lying down on the same bed in the same room— differently decorated now, but it doesn't feel any different.

I'm 19.

It doesn't feel any different from 17.

or 15.

or 13.

but I'm 19.

I'm an adult now right? My life is in my own hands now. I can do what I want. Be who I want.

It doesn't feel any different.

I'm 19.

Nothing is the same. Not my clothes, not my face, not my hair or my body.

It doesn't feel any different.

I'm 19.

When will it feel like it? When will it stop feeling like I was just born? When will I stop gasping at the air, sorely new to the light and the breeze?

It doesn't feel any different.

I'm 19.

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Anok Yai attends The 2024 Met Gala if you want to support this blog consider donating to:ko-fi.com/fashionrunways

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do me a solid and just reblog this saying what time it is where you are and what you’re thinking about in the tags.

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NEVER be vulnerable. FLUSH your medication down the toilet. LIE when people ask how you’re doing. SUPPRESS your feelings. ALWAYS be irritable and abrasive. MAKE SURE you push away anyone who’s close to you. CANCEL your therapy appointment.

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Ok but like. What the fuck is there to do on the internet anymore?

Idk when I was younger, you could just go and go and find exciting new websites full of whatever cool things you wanted to explore. An overabundance of ways to occupy your time online.

Now, it’s just… Social media. That’s it. Social media and news sites. And I’m tired of social media and I’m tired of the news.

Am I just like completely inept at finding new things or has the internet just fallen apart that much with the problems of SEO and web 3.0 turning everything into a same-site prison?

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*this poll was submitted to us and we simply posted it so people could vote and discuss their opinions on the matter. if you’d like for us to ask the internet a question for you, feel free to drop the poll of your choice in our inbox and we’ll post them anonymously (for more info, please check our pinned post)

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“I loved you, always.”

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happy "everyone forgets that icarus also flew" monday. i want to throw up !

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I hope everyone understands, when I say “most endangered habitat on earth”, I mean temperate grasslands.

They’re more endangered than tropical rainforests, coral reefs, the arctic tundra, all of those go-to environments that get more of the spotlight.

Where I live, maybe 25% of the prairie remains in a natural state and that number is dropping. Even these fragments are mostly missing the keystone species that maintain their health, like bison, wolves, and prairie dogs. I know this is the case for other grasslands like the pampas and steppe as well. Vast lands empty of many species that used to call them home.

If you live on temperate grasslands, hold onto them tight, because they’ve been exploited like no other land and most people don’t even know how far the devastation goes.

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"The Capitol vs District 12 in real time. Hunger Games in real time with the worlds elite obsessing over vanity, materialism, wealth and fame with total disregard to Gaza genocide" from Craving Palestine, 07/May/2024: