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The 7-11 Toastie - A Thai Institutuion

Once was the day when after 17 pints and a litre of tequila, my body would crave a sweaty chicken kebab or a fat dirty pizza oozing with heart disease. This was until I came to Thailand for the first time and discovered the wonder that is the 7-11 Cheese and Ham Toastie*.

*I admit to using the term ‘cheese’ loosely...and maybe even ham.

Much like Columbus, my life has been rejuvenated since such a discovery and my current drunken consecutive consumption record currently stands at 3.  

Today’s conversion rate brings the 7-11 cheese and ham toastie in at 54 English pence. Granted this is a slight rise from previous years but remains exceptional value considering the taste (mmmmmm E-numbers) and the fact it is cooked on site FOR you and ready to take away. Plus, like any 7-11 purchase, you get approximately 19 free carrier bags and 7 free straws which is nearly straightforward profit what with England’s introduction of the 5p carrier bag.

The 7-11 Toastie For Beginners

1. Walk for 0.4 seconds to your nearest 7-11 and head to the refrigerators. Select the ‘Ham & Cheese Sandwich’ - be careful not to mix this up with the ‘Ham & Cheese Croissant sandwich’ which is merely an impostor and not even an option when this is sold out.

2. Take it over to the counter and pay. The 7-11 person will then either just say hot? or babble something in Thai that ends in ‘Sanweech’ - nod and kah...unless of course you carry a toastie machine in your bag and want to cook it later.

The 7-11 woman making my Toastie

Now this is the difficult part. You have an awkward wait whilst it cooks in the toastie machine (seems like eternity when you are drunk and order 3).

The key is not looking at the 7-11 person too much as they will feel awkward and it adds pressure to be quicker. This results in them rushing the cooking process and taking the toastie out way too early. This strips you of the brown burnt crispy edges of the toastie and the scalds on your lips and chin from boiling ‘cheese’. Just be casual, try and look like you have actually forgotten you are waiting for something and just browse the 7-11 products, there is always something to be enjoyed. 

Maybe a watermelon guitar?

A singular boiled egg?

The large selection of ‘whitening products’? #snowgirl

A fan that is funny as well as happy

3. As you act casual, when the 7-11 person shouts something in Thai ending in ‘sandweech’, you look like you have just woken up and then visibly recall buying your toastie. This is an art you will have to perfect.

She will proceed to put your toastie in a cardboard box and then as promised, put it in the 19 carrier bags that you instantly throw away when you smash your toastie the second you get out of the door.

On this occasion, I am not drunk so have decided to take my toastie home. In this case, you garnish and serve immediately, before the ‘cheese’ and it’s 7302037 chemicals solidify upon any contact with oxygen.

Delightful

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Hostelling in Hua Hin

Before this trip, I was yet to experience hostels as I had always shared private rooms in Asia with my partner. As I was alone this time, my budget couldn’t stretch to such luxuries and I had to resort to hostels. This was a large fear of mine due to my dislike of conversations with backpackers and the whole ‘where you been, where you going, I’ve been there and going somewhere better’ scenario.

Despite some close calls, my resting bitch face allowed me to successfully avoid such scenarios and I had been quite lucky. Now I am not saying staying in hostels is the most enjoyable pursuit, but despite being woken up at 3am by snoring or people facetiming without earphones, it actually hasn’t been that bad.

 When I decided to take a short break to Hua Hin over Songkran, I was even more delighted when I had the whole dorm to myself and bagged the one bed with a plug socket next to it. #priorities

On day three, my heart dropped when somebody struggled with their keys to my dorm room. Luckily, a big overgrown human turtle in clothes emblazoned with Thai beer logos didn’t enter and instead walks a young Thai mother with her young baby. Although it had a big mouth on the little cunt and cried a lot, it was always going to be better than somebody with the ability to speak English and hum the white noise of their verbal biography down my disinterested ear. She was settled, I was settled and conversation was pleasant.

At around 8pm as I settle to watch Coronation Street, I could see Joy (her name, not the emotion) looked restless and troubled. I saw her looking around and many-a time look at me as if she was desperate to ask me something.

 Come On Joy. I thought. Just say it.

Get it out sweetheart, whatever you have to say, say. And whatever you have to ask...ask. We are all friends here.

But then I started to worry, what if she wants me to move rooms, what if she wants me to babysit her son? What if she has a problem with me or a highly contagious disease I could catch in my sleep? 

OMG. 

WHAT IF SHE WANTS MY PLUG SOCKET?!??!

I was getting anxious now. What did she want? I turned a few times, to flash her my warmest smile, let our Joy know she was in good company and whatever she needed to say, she could say or equally, whatever she needed to ask, she could ask. She knocked her head back and pulled her hair from her face, she cricked her neck and took a deep breath. 

Hair back, I thought. Deep breath? A small stretch?  Hang on a second, does she maybe want a little piece of the Ellmeister??? Does she like what she sees? Has all this room sharing got her excited and does JOY...want some Joy???

Another breath. She was ready.

‘A-cooz me Erin’ she says.

‘May it okay if I remove the ghosts from room?’

...........

Sure. Who wants ghosts in the room anyway.? As I left the room to leave Joy to it, I peered through the window to see her sat on her knees and praying and wafting her arms all around the room. She lets me back in and I, the little rat and the ghostbuster herself all sleep wonderfully and unharmed.

Oh Thailand. 

I love you. 

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The British Invasion.

It is no secret of mine that I have a large enthusiasm and passion for Thailand. I love this Country for many reasons, some I can’t even explain. Ever growing as a holiday destination, only last week it was reported that the growing figures of tourism are set to bring problems to Thailand as they just don’t have the resources to handle it.

 Like myself, it is the good food, wonderful people and beautiful climate that attract the thousands of backpackers to Bangkok Airport every year. And I know that the gorgeous Thai women with a unique pining for pale, fat and old European men also bring in the 40+ males. But what about the rest? What charms does Siam hold that successfully bring those out of this bracket in too? I decided to travel with some holiday makers to find out. 

Judith and Debra.

I met Judith and Debra at Bangkok airport. Arriving from North Manchester, they agreed to let me spend a few days with them as they holidayed in Thailand. The pair were aged between 50 and 60 and my first observation was the unapologetic openness with their bodily functions. Upon entering the taxi, Judith was extremely flatulent and complained about the gin on the plane saying it made her ‘gassy’. Their second trip together to Thailand, the pair began to recall fond memories that resulted in ferocious bouts of laughter from jokes I didn’t get. In the middle of one of their ‘jokes’ and as Debra roared with laughter, she began urgently root around her handbag. I assumed she had a sudden panic regarding the whereabouts of her passport, instead she pulled out what looked like a large white sleeping bag from a pack of ‘Tena Lady’ and began to struggle it inside her knickers. I later realised this was some kind of adult nappy and was needed to protect her from her ‘laughter leaks’. 

We reached the hotel and I was surprised to learn of their choice of location. They had chosen to stay on Rambuttri in Bangkok, which is the street adjacent to the busy, loud and infamous backpacker area of ‘Khoa San Road’ Often avoided, I enquired about the reasons for this and they instantly informed me it was the place to buy ‘cheap gear’ in the form of fake designer goods. I would later learn that if you were to combine the amount of time the pair spent shopping for things they didn’t even need, it would take up around 98.4% of their holiday, the rest they just spent drinking, shitting and watching documentaries about murderers on their IPads.

The pair were really friendly and insisted that I join them at their favourite bar in the whole of Thailand. They said the cocktails were to die for and I would really be missing out if I didn’t go. Bangkok boasts some of the most impressive bars in the World, they have sky bars that allow for beautiful skyline views and lavish drink menus in luxurious surroundings. Although not usually my thing, I didn’t want to be rude or miss out on an insight into something new. I showered, washed my hair and put on my one ‘good’ shirt I carried for formal emergencies. Just like their choice of accommodation, I was also surprised when we arrived at the bar that was actually a few bottles in the boot of a van, 7 seconds walk from the hotel room.

Their favourite bar vended 'cocktails’ in plastic cups from the window and their ‘poison’ came in the form of vodka and the same lemon juice they use to cook. I had to leave after three of these speciality cocktails when Judith was escorted to the metal chairs after breaking the plastics and later attempted to shit in the street.

The next day came and as the pair were hungover, they said they were going to their favourite restaurant tonight for some good food and I should join them. Food is probably my favourite thing about Thailand and I never turn down an offer to try a new restaurant. Thai cuisine is absolutely delicious and full of beautiful flavour combinations in the form of tasty stir fries, hearty soups and spicy curries. Something for everyone, Bangkok certainly deserved it’s award earlier this year for best street food in the World and is in no doubt, my favourite place to get my fill of Thai food.

I’d agreed to meet the ladies at 8.00pm but I was slightly late. I was pleasantly surprised to see that their favourite restaurant was a street food vendor offering hundreds of familiar and not so familiar dishes. The menu was cheap and really extensive and I was really excited to sit down, crack open a beer and order an array of dishes to share with these two hungover and hungry women. I was disappointed to learn that they had already ordered before my arrival but they did say I could of course try their dishes as I didn’t waste an opportunity of exploring this menu. I was excited of course until, their dishes of choice were delivered.

Chips and Mayonnaise. 

All washed down with 14 fags.

I tried to talk to the pair about the wonder of Thai food and what they were missing out on. They said they were yet to try Thai food and alternated nightly between chips, kebab or ‘spag bol’. After several pleas, on day 4 in Phuket, the pair agreed to try a small buffet of Thai dishes I selected. On the one condition they were allowed to order garlic bread. 

Unfortunately the delivery of food was not met fondly with Judith, whilst Debra tried to be polite, Judith went on to kick the table over, throw rice at my head and proceeded to place my bowl on the floor, lift up her dress and shit in my soup. She continued her aggression at other diners before taking the 24 pieces of garlic bread up to her room and watching a documentary about a woman who murdered her children and ate her pets.

I didn’t want to fall out with Judith again so I visited their room in the morning to apologise. I told her how  I regretted greatly asking her to try Thai food in Thailand and that everything now could be done on her terms. I tried to find Debra to do the same, but she was out buying phone cases. I did wonder why as she had already bought 84 but I now know that these were for ‘best’.

I told the ladies I would love to put everything behind us and accompany them in doing what they love to do most in Thailand. Although this was actually shopping, they told me I could accompany them on their second favourite activity seen as though all we had done since we arrived was shop. I asked them to keep it a surprise and for them to simply lead the way. Filled with mountains, museums, beaches, waterfalls, outdoor and indoor activities I was excited to see what kept these ladies returning to the Land of Smiles.

Cheap cosmetic work applied by a ladybody with a gun. Of course.

The pair had their eyebrows, lips, nipples, eyelashes and toenails tattooed on. They had their arseholes dyed, shrunk, cleaned and shaved, They had their skin scrubbed, removed, applied, dyed, cleaned, massaged and cooked. They had their nails pulled, painted, rubbed and licked. Jesus Christ, what didn’t they have done? I endured 9 hours of their moans and groans and questioned the element of enjoyment, but my search for answers strictly came to an end when Judith decided to shit in the sink whilst having her scalp reconstructed.  

The next day, the two ladies came to my room and asked if they could have their payment. I explained I never offered to pay them for their time and it was a mutual agreement for some light research. I soon found out they were in fact aware of this but had actually spent every single penny they had between them at the Ladyboy salon. I explained to them how much I wished I could help but I was on a tight budget with 2 months left and just couldn’t afford it on this occasion. Regrettably, things turned sour after this and that was the last time we spoke.

I left Judith and Debra a month ago. To this day, I often see the pair in and around Bangkok but they pretend they do not know who I am. They seem to be trying various ways to be making money to afford a flight home which I have documented below. I will forever treasure my time with these two ladies and the insight I gained into their lives. I wish them the best of luck with getting back to England and their futures. 

When they appeared to get jobs in a luggage shop.

When Debra got a job as a cleaner at a hotel

When Debra pretended to be blind and begged in Pratunam.

UPDATE 06/05/2017:

I saw them in their favourite salon last week and unfortunately, it would appear that they are dead. 

RIP Judith and Debra. Thank you for your time. X

Related

When My Mum came to Thailand (2015)

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You Know You’re In Thailand When...

You buy in absolute fascination what you can only assume to be the weirdest most fucked up dead animal novelty keyring that has ever been made....

...only to get given a fork with it.

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The  best Khao Man Gai in Bangkok.

You know what gets on my nerves along with racism, homophobia and the sound people make when they chew?

Belvita Biscuits.

WHAT AN ABSOLUTE WASTE OF EVERYBODY’S TIME.

There are 3 highlights to my day and each of these are meal times. Surprisingly, my body does not miraculously rid itself of the need of a good mix of protein, fat and a carb just because them ratty little fingers on the clock we are slaves to haven’t passed 12.  

Why on Earth would I waste a joyous meal time and some of those glorious calories I am entitled to each day on 3 shitty biscuits that probably taste like cardboard anyway. You know when I googled ‘Belvita Biscuits’ for the nutritional information, do you know what they say? I’ll tell you. 

‘At belvita, we're passionate about breakfast biscuits’ - Imagine that was your life. Being passionate about ‘breakfast biscuits’. I despair. ‘Breakfast Biscuits’ ??? I mean, it’s not even a thing. Aren’t Belvita the ONLY breakfast biscuits anyway? So you are basically passionate about yourself. I’m sorry. No.

Nutrition and ingredients aside, those 4 biscuits you get in a serving contain just under 250 calories - My God, you could have something SO much more fun than that. Plus, I also read once that these convenience breakfast foods such as ‘breakfast biscuits’, cereals and squished up weetabix in a bottle (NO), are just a modern day invention marketed at ‘busy office workers’ who are too busy to breathe let alone eat a decent meal. They are also usually filled with so much sugar to make up for the lack of fat/calories that they can advertise on the box that you may as well have had a creme egg anyway. Wasteful.

Now - this is reason #434274382774 that I love the Thai’s. They don’t fanny around with such things at breakfast and rightfully, don’t waste their precious feeding time on bird feed or wheat flakes that are glued together with syrup or animal heads. Before you all start throwing avocados and slithery bits of salmon at me, I am not denying that there are plenty of OTHER options available for breakfast in the Western World but for the sake of this blog and it’s point, I am choosing to ignore them. 

ANYWAY. Khao Man Gai ( วิธีทำข้าวมันไก่ ) is a staple Thai breakfast and a glorious dish that actually, rather boringly, simply comprises of chicken, rice, a bowl of broth, an optional (should be integral) hainanese sauce and a cucumber/coriander garnish. 

I know that this doesn’t sound much more exciting than a pack of belvita biscuits but trust me, it is heavenly. Although a very popular breakfast/lunch option amongst Thai’s and there being several cafes/food stalls selling Khao Man Gai on every soi, I am confident that I have found THE best Khao Man Gai in Bangkok. 

Nawaphon Chicken Rice - Ratchathewi District

Having tried this dish so many times, I have come to find that the key to success and the oral wonder of this dish is always, in the broth. And Jesus Christ, I don’t know what they put in theirs but it has provided me with some of the best orgasms of my life.

I am not going to pretend I am Michel Roux Jr here and give you a running commentary whilst I eat it, provide needless details about the ingredients/flavours/aromas that circulate and arouse my taste buds, I am simply telling you I have had this meal a lot and this REALLY, REALLY is the best.

- Also, they have loads of extra condiments on the table that I haven’t seen before, along with standard vegetables, herbs, soy/garlic/chilli etc, they also have little random home made sauces and chopped up ginger. AND the hainanese sauce doesn’t come in some poxy little dish that an ant could take a bath in, they have huge jars on each table that are so big, they have a bloody ladle in them  If that wasn’t enough, the staff are all really friendly, there’s free water and its still only 45 baht.

Even if you are white.

You’re welcome.

How to find it 

The nearest BTS station is Ratchathewi. Take exit 3 and walk until you reach the Ratchathewi intersection, here take a left onto Phetchaburi road and keep walking until you reach the first 7-11 (just after the Bangkok City Hotel). Turn left here onto Soi Phetchaburi 10 and Nawaphon is halfway down this soi on the left hand side.

Enjoy.

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05/04/17 - Back to School

Last Thursday I started my Thai language course at AAA College in Bangkok. Having spent a lot of time in Thailand and worked in an educational institution here myself, I genuinely, quite bluntly thought it was going to be an absolute bag of shite. I thought the whole thing would be some gateway into hours of hilarious material and ridiculous situations, however, sadly it is actually absolutely incredible. It is fun, very informative, very, very hard work and really rewarding.

With all the positivity aside, I started to become impatient about when the standard Thai weirdness was going to make an appearance. This is Thailand, they have a very...unique way of doing things...this all just seemed a bit too professional and ‘normal’ for my liking. That was until....I got my first piece of homework.

The task was to put our new found Thai vocabulary skills of ‘what is your name’ into practice.  We had to ask as many Thai people as possible their name, whilst collecting said names in an envelope. That’s fine I thought, nothing too taxing, nothing too peculiar, nothing too strange or uncomfortable. The teacher wanted us to carry round a designated envelope at all times, to present in social situations with Thai people and collect their names on paper, popping them into the envelope when the pronunciation was perfected. Again, fine. No problem. Nothing too peculiar, nothing too strange...not uncomfortable at all. Until, of course, we were each given our individual envelopes.

Obviously, there’s about as much chance of me carrying an old wellington boot filled with rats to put my names in than this but...

Okay, couple of things.

WHO CAME UP WITH THIS?

WHO WENT TO THE TROUBLE OF CUTTING THIS OUT?

WHO WENT TO THE TROUBLE OF CUTTING THIS OUT AND GLUING IT ONTO SOME PINK PAPER 

WHO WENT TO THE TROUBLE OF CUTTING THIS OUT AND GLUING IT ONTO SOME PINK PAPER AND THEN CAREFULLY INSERTING IT INTO A PLASTIC WALLET?

LOOK HOW CREASED IT IS. LOOK HOW MANY PREVIOUS STUDENTS HAVE ACTUALLY CARRIED IT AROUND, TAKEN IT OUT, ASKED PEOPLE THEIR NAMES, HOLDING IT UP?

WHY ISN’T IT JUST A WHITE ENVELOPE?

WHY CAN’T WE JUST WRITE THEIR NAMES DOWN?

WHY IS THIS HELPFUL?

WHY IS HIS HEAD SO BIG?

Jesusssss Thailand...

Apart from that...surprisingly nothing else is weird apart from the problem with global curriculum I see has not changed since I studied French in 1998. With such a widespread language, the English are guilty for being lazy when it comes to foreign languages and clearly, it would be quite helpful to know some common, useful and everyday phrases. Instead, all I take into my adult life from GCSE French is being able to express how much I enjoy playing football with my brother and that I have a ruler in my bag. Similarly, my reasons for learning Thai are I absolutely adore the Country and its people. I plan to holiday here for the rest of my life and would love to communicate to the Thai’s in their language. I would love be able to order 2 beers, stop myself getting ripped off by a taxi, tell a ladyboy she is beautiful, ask if there’s any toilet roll left or where the nearest police station is incase I need to find my Mother.

Although not quite there, my first week learning Thai has equipped me with the skills to say the following, which I am sure you will agree will be useful every single day, not just for my holidays.

-My name is Ellen

-I have 3 pencils

-My magazine is in German language

-Would you like my magazine in German language?

-I have some milk

- I do not have any fanta

-I have a red piece of wood

-Do you like tea in a glass?

-My ruler is red and my rubber is blue

-The teacher has a box

- Look at the roof

There are quite a few more but as I use the above constantly throughout the day, they are the first ones that come to mind

I bet the English embassy will be headhunting me for a job when they catch wind of my Phasathay. (That’s Thai language I’ll have you know...)

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Finding True Love in Thailand

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Me whenever a backpacker asks me to ‘hang out’

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Women who complain about childbirth

have never had mosquito bites on their knee caps.

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23/03/17 - BKK Arrival: Embracing New Experiences.

My previous holiday experiences have basically involved me clinging onto my partner’s leg, reluctant to leave her side if only for a short trip to the shop. I am a sociable person with very little desire to ever be alone and cursed with a starvation for attention, it really is a bit boring laughing at your own jokes when the punchline is created by yourself. 

‘You’ll be fine!’ they said. ‘You’ll make loads of friends!’ they said. The thing is, I don’t want to. Thank you. In the nicest way possible, I have decided to do this to take some time out after a bad year and repair the remnants of a self inflicted midlife crisis, on my own. I want to experience brand new things and finally, source some independence for myself. Well really, I am simply running away from the mess and chaos I have created. My desire to be alone does not have anything to do with the fact my idea of torture, everything evil, sorcery, hell a distasteful experience, is sat in a youth hostel with people drinking Chang, wearing hareem pants, sandals made from Cambodian tyres whilst repeating the same old stories about the golden triangle, the best pad thai in Asia or finding themselves at the full moon party. I really honestly would rather find 33 beetles, crunch them up in my mouth, spit it out, roll it into a ball, pull my eyeball out, put the beetle ball in my eye socket and then roll around in a farm littered with live grenades.

New Experience #1

So March 23rd comes and I set off for 3 months of travel alone. I am strong, I am brave and I am independent. I am of course, with my Mother who I have roped into taking a Thai holiday as ha, think I am flying alone? I do not think so. The stopover in Dubai brings sickness and anxiety through a hatred of flying and a vile lack of rest that battles with my body’s lifelong reluctance to nap or sleep in public places. I take a sleeping tablet and a glass of wine and within minutes of boarding I am passed out. I wake up and I feel groggy, I take a few minutes to work out where I actually am and look around. It is there I see it, the most beautiful and unique sight of my whole 29 years and ten months on this Earth. As I peer out of the window I see the majestic aeroplane wing, posed wonderfully upon the most admirable runway of my life. It is sat there so elegantly and so rightfully accomplished after a successful journey with no deaths or any need to replicate those ridiculous cartoons on the safety form that are smiling as they plummet to their deaths.

I did it. And for the first time in my life, I napped. And I have slept through a full flight and I have arrived at my destination with no nerve wracking in-flight panic or turbulence. No counting down hours that seem like decades or struggling with 16 trips to the toilet that involve climbing over weird and selfish bastards that have the power to simply fall sleep when they wish. Okay, I have missed out on free booze, food and a binge session of Friends, but it’s okay. Because I tell you what, cross it off the bucket list: ELLEN SLEPT ON A PLANE.

Orrrrrrr there was just a delay and we have been grounded on the runway in Dubai for 2.5 hours, we are yet to even take off and I have a whole 7 hour flight ahead of me and I am going to kill myself. And the 3 children sat behind me kicking my back. :-)

Anyway, 9 gin and tonics later, cod in rat juice tomato sauce, Monica and Chandler’s affair in London to Rachel getting off the plane, I finally arrive in Bangkok. I bid farewell to Mother who is off to the Islands and here I go. It is time. Time to finally do this. Time to be brave and embrace this crazy City alone. But first I must go and meet my friend of 9 years who I have roped into flying out to be with me for my first four days as, well, hello? Surely you can’t expect me to start this independent lady thing IMMEDIATELY. 

The excitement of friends reunited bring a two day binge of singha, sangsom, cheap cocktails, hotel room gin with 7-11 mixer and some, but VERY little food. At the time it is great, our stomachs ache from laughter and we are drunk the whole time. The third day however, things are not so great and a violent hangover is mixed a ghastly case of food poisoning. OOOh must have been that absolutely NOTHING I ate.

New Experience #2

I spend the morning either sat on the toilet, or bent over it. Either way, everything stinks. I try a 7-11 toastie as it is the mother of all cures, but I can barely keep water in or down, let alone ham made from pig arse hole. Four gruelling hours later, I feel alive and ready to rise from the pit. Charlotte however, would clearly like to punish me for every wrong doing in my life and instead of throwing me to the tigers or forcing me drink the putrid Bangkok river water, she does the worst thing possible and drags me to Siam Paragon Mall. 

A  MALL. 

I have spent a lot of time in Thailand but I am yet to visit a mall. No reason in particular except I would rather put my breasts on a barbeque. Still, as I said, my quest here is to step out of my comfort zone and embrace as many new experiences in my life as possible and surprisingly, the most unique experience of my entire existence is about to occur on the BTS train on the way to the shopping centre.

Still feeling a bit ropey, I board the train. It is rush hour and it is like a cattle market on on here and I start to think I have done something to really piss Charlotte off. I let out a sigh that is accompanied by an exhaled breath that hits the Thai lady in front of me dead on her face. It rebounds from her cheek and all I can smell is stomach bile and a dead homeless man’s balls. She fumbles around in her pockets and immediately fixes a mask normally used to be shielded from pollution onto her face. :-)

Anyway, we are nearly at our stop when I need to burp. I am hoping I am not going to vomit at the same time the burp fizzles down into my stomach and I am the owner of a little bit of gas. I think about this, the people around me and the level of damage an odour could omit. But, I clench my stomach and decide it is a small pump and is destined for minor repercussions that my physical need to release outweigh. Just a little pump. A little pumpy, that will come and go, silently with little offence to anybody. Just a little pump, that is the slow friend arriving late to my food poisoning party that will pop it’s head in, smile and leave, causing nobody any trouble. Because of course, it is just, a little, pump. 

I HAVE SHIT MYSELF.

I HAVE SHIT MYSELF ON A FUCKING TRAIN.

I AM ON A TRAIN.

AND I HAVE SHIT MYSELF.

I AM 30 YEARS OLD. I AM ON A TRAIN. AND I HAVE SHIT MYSELF.

I AM IN THAILAND. I HAVEN’T CLEANED ELEPHANTS, OR LIVED WITH A HILL TRIBE. I HAVEN’T DRANK SNAKE BLOOD, DONE A BUNGEE JUMP OR PETTED A TIGER.

BUT HERE I AM. IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NEWEST AND MOST FOREIGN EXPERIENCE OF MY LIFE.

I AM ON A TRAIN. 

AND I HAVE SHIT MYSELF.

I HAVE SHIT MYSELF ON A TRAIN. 

So, there you have it. Remember all you globe trotters, wanderlusters and those nobs who call themselves ‘Global Citizens’. New experiences are infront of you all the time, so be ready relish them and always carry a camera and some toilet paper. 

(Unique experience #3 - burying my soiled knickers in a sanitary towel bin)