equalperson

[equalperson]

staying alive is a full-time job with no benefits and no pay. I no longer have hobbies I just grind for attention to keep Myself going. I don't play games I don't work on personal projects I don't write I don't exercise I don't reach out I forget everything I used to do. I wake up and I cycle through social platforms for regulation. tumblr twitter reddit trevorspace. I try everyday in hopes that they'll tell Me I'm somebody and I'll believe them.

hours to make even one post. stilted speech, pedantic speech, hyperverbality, grandiloquence, whatever you want to call it, I have so much to say and can't get it out fast. hours of research, of typing, of rereading and rephrasing, of citing sources and adding imagery, just for a few likes at most. I hate speaking when I don't have anything to say, so I have to do this to make Myself known.

I can't stop because I'll waste if I do. skin falling off of My body, leaving nothing but blood and muscle and organs and bones. pain in every step I take, My eyes stuck open to watch for potential threats, unable to turn away from My own powerlessness. exposed teeth grinding as I search for a disguise, something to allow Myself to reintegrate and recover.

so I cycle and search and type and type and type. My talents wither; getting recognition for real work takes too long, I need immediate satisfaction. I'm blindfolded and made to choose between oxycontin and cyanide pills, thrilled for euphoria and terrified of death. whore Myself out for likes just to pull away from the impending notifications. 99+ activity 5 messages 1 inbox. I can't reply because I am in My own breed of hiding. I run up to predators just to run away, knowing that I'm fast enough to make it. I've been doing it for years, after all. I know I can make it back home. I know I can.

but then I get tired. maybe it's stress, maybe it's sleep deprivation, maybe it's malnutrition. I sleep for hours. wake up and it's time for dinner. then it's time for bed. I made one post and got no likes. back to the grind tomorrow.

but not yet. I stay awake further, guaranteeing another crash tomorrow evening. I need to keep going, or at least to think about it.

I think out My next steps and remember all the sacrifices I have to make for this life. I don't like any of these people. weak yet dangerous, incompetent yet two-faced, unlovable yet influential. I disdain them and My need to mingle with them. I never fit in, and when I do, it's only through lowering Myself to their level. but when there's no one good enough for Me, I'm left with no other options.

I become a clown for My cruel benefactors. but maybe that's not the right word. they think I'm smart. I'm their little professor, their idiot savant. they think we're friends, but we're not; I'd leave if I could and I wouldn't miss them for a second.

I just want to be alone, but I can't. I'm a social animal against My will, a panther trapped in the body of a worker bee. I can't provide for Myself, so I continue to devise plans to become the center of attention. the spotlight will rejuvenate Me, only for Me to blow it in another couple of years like I always do. every savant has their weakness, no matter how scholarly they may seem.

8:36am. I need to go to bed soon. back to the grind tomorrow.

[equalperson]

saw someone say something incredibly sanist on the forum that acts as My main source of supply (in short, that splitting is tantamount to backstabbing and abuse is "typical of BPDs") and a large portion of the most active forumgoers rally around him and realized just how untrustworthy everyone is.

these same people also took pity on Me when I vented about My PD, but y'all deem someone saying a PD makes someone evil just as--if not more--deserving of support? make up your mind.

and I get that I'm not borderline but 1), IDGAF we're in this together, and 2), I've never seen a single persotypical believe that borderline personality is evil, but not also the rest of cluster B.

so either they're seriously compartmentalizing to justify expressing these totally contradictory sentiments, pulling a "hate the sin, not the sinner" on one of us (if My past experiences with persotypicals say anything, most likely Me), or just too cowardly to ignore or confront whichever one of us they believe to be cruel (or to form an opinion in the first place).

regardless, I just hate the thought of relying solely on a community of people that I don't really trust for validation. I already have to rely on someone I don't trust for My physical needs at home, there's no way in hell I want to do that for My emotional needs, too.

it doesn't help that My ex-friends are all common users on there (including borderline abuse guy); I've seen firsthand how cruel many of these people are behind closed doors, so that just adds to the sense that those around Me are much more callous than they make themselves out to be.

so I was thinking, why just rely on this site? social media exists, other forums exist, real life exists, why not diversify? but god, it feels weird.

I've never had an issue with the idea of bouncing from person/group/platform to person/group/platform for validation. damn, I aspire to be known for multiple things, and I've already accepted that long-term relations don't work out very well for Me.

but there's such a difference between making the choice to be socially nomadic as a success hack and feeling pressured to because I feel so alienated from others that I begin to build up a sense of resentment and distrust of them as time goes on.

the other avenues I have for social success aren't anywhere near as easy as this one, honestly: I can technically draw, but I'm not good at it and it's not fun; I write, but it takes forever for Me to finish something; I can talk to people IRL, but I'm too awkward to make a strong impression most of the time.

I tried to rejoin an LGBT forum I used to use when I was younger, but just seeing the main screen after I logged in made Me feel so repulsed.

even when I used to use it, I was so out of place. I was 16, into the simpsons, and genuinely invested in politics, whereas a lot of the site consisted of middle-schoolers whose only interest in animation was via disney cartoons and who had pretty much no knowledge of queer politics beyond what they saw in the news and through instagram discourse accounts.

not to say that these kids were bad, but I did not fit in at all. I'd try talking about My own interests, only to be met with complete radio silence.

it was so weird seeing every get along among themselves like "ugh seventh grade is so rough 😭 but at least i have heartstopper ^_^ look guys it's amogus haha ඞ" while I was like. "what are the sociopolitical implications of the simpsons' portrayal of queerness."

I'd like to think that I'm more developed now than I was back then, but if the general maturity level on there hasn't increased, being on there is still gonna suck man.

I'm used to thinking I'm smarter than everyone around Me, but that's one of the few situations in which it felt less like an inherent fact of My social life and more like I was settling for something far below Myself.

and I think about all this and go, is this really all there is? just an endless cycle of trust, betrayal, detachment, and looking for something else to sustain Me?

I tell Myself that I don't care about staying in one place--and maybe I don't--but it's so hard to fully submit to the tides when I'm so dependent on others for My emotional survival.

narcissism is like a game of tug of war between detachment and hyperemotionality: grandiosity and self-loathing, self-aggrandizement and catastrophization, devaluation and idealization, optimism and desperation, smugness and jealousy.

My antisocial and avoidant tendencies try to minimize these contradictions and protect Me from further ego injury by pulling Me into states of egocentric indifference and hypervigilant withdrawal respectively, but the moment that I let My guard down too much and either of these defenses fail, I'm thrown back into confusion over which will really keep Me safe the next time around.

[equalperson]

IDRGAF about My changing interests anymore but I have been realizing just how much having a charged, wildly obsessive special interest contributed to My self-regulation skills.

I still technically retain My special interest in PDs, but that's more calm, like an intellectual fascination rather than a full-blown "yayayayayya it's the thing!" type of interest. like how allistics stereotype SpIns vs. how autistics stereotype them LMAO.

I've been much more anxious lately; I've started falling back into avoidant thought patterns, even though I was mostly over them before.

like, I shouldn't talk or post because people are sick of Me. My mom mocked something I said and spoke negatively about Me to her husband so everyone definitely sees Me as incompetent. I don't deserve to exist. etc. etc.

it takes Me hours to even try to reply to people that I'm familiar with online because I get scared of what they'll say to Me, I get scared that I'll say something wrong in turn, and DBT skills take hours to actually work as of late.

then I end up staying up late because I'm trying so hard to power through, or because I simply can't and I stay so overwhelmed that I can't sleep because shame makes Me too alert to sleep.

like I said, it's not that I'm still all that worried about My interests in a metacognitive sense, but I really do believe that having something that I'm constantly thinking about that naturally boosts My mood really did serve as a form of healthy escapism and reinforcement for the coping skills I practiced deliberately.

I still have coping skills obviously, but I don't have that extra support, so it's easier for Me to ruminate on a stressor indefinitely and harder for Me to accept or work on it afterwards.

[equalperson]

vented about PD issues on a non-PD forum and somebody replied with a similar anecdote, but continuously emphasized that he did not experience things to the same severity that I did and would "rather not advise" Me on the matter.

although I appreciated his concern, every clarification that he did not fully understand My situation reminded Me of this:

[equalperson]

BTW the past week has been absolutely dogshit. genuinely the emptiest I've ever felt; nothing has been fun, nothing has had a point, I've had very few thoughts other than just anxiously ruminating on what place blorbo from My bullshit (do people still say "blorbo?" I don't think so actually) has in My life nowadays.

but I'm coming around!! took Me a shockingly long time to start problem-solving compared to usual, but I'm working on it.

the thing is that I kept thinking about it from the perspective of identity alone. and it's like, I can't change how I process identity at the drop of a hat. "just" not making random bullshit part of who I am is easier said than done.

but now I'm trying to think about it from a label perspective. a lot of My thoughts are like "is this still a special interest?" "would the emotion I'm feeling right now count as love?" "what category would this fit into?"

TBH I love labels. I know a lot of people don't but they're so pleasant for Me. just a quick and easy way to describe an experience and define Myself as a person. in My head, I'm nothing but a cluster of labels that come together to make something multifaceted.

BUT I also have a bad habit of forming hard-and-fast yet completely fucking arbitrary rules. because autism. so I tend to create strict divides for how I approach different categories of things.

in some cases, this is helpful. for example, it's easier for Me to talk when I've made arbitrary distinctions between synonyms like "LOL"/"LMAO," "among"/"amongst," and "typically"/"usually."

but then there are cases like this where it just makes things complicated. like, all of My wallpapers need to be related to My special interest, all of My main social media accounts need to be themed after My special interest, I always need to be wearing something related to My special interest, so on and so forth.

that's fine and good most of the time, but greatly confusing and distressing when it becomes difficult for Me to draw the line between a regular, hyperfixated, and special interest in a subject.

so I'm just gonna try to wind back on that reliance. I like what I like, there's not always a clear line between things, do whatever makes Me happy, it is what it is.

not sure how well it's gonna work, but I haven't wanted to KMS today so we're off to a good start nonetheless.

[equalperson]

Hello narcissist. I love you. I know people are pissing you off but trust me you're better. Don't bother. We can go get ice cream and talk about how awesome you are.

[equalperson]

people with aspd are still unique. we are not heartless. none of us have the same exact personality. we have hobbies. we have likes and dislikes. we are still people.

[equalperson]

I can't draw so My go-to artistic avenue for venting is distorting memes beyond recognition to align with My personal issues.

[equalperson]

NGL literally everything that I do is for attention. not in the sense that I don't mean anything I say or I don't have genuine interests and morals, but that the intrapersonal elements of everything comes second to how well I can show it off to others.

there have been so many points in which I've started projects only so people would pay attention to them, and abandoned them because nobody actually did.

like, I started a blog very similar to this in the jirai kei community for more attention, and now I'm planning on deactivating it because nobody has followed in the past month or so that it's been semi-active.

I don't do things that I don't want to for attention--My #1 reason for quitting has always been an incredibly low frustration tolerance, even when tolerating said frustration would put Me in the spotlight--but I rarely ever feel deeply about things for their own sake.

for example, I want to be an activist. sure, sincere moral investment in certain causes does play a role, but when I think about what I aspire for, My thoughts always go to interviews, wikipedia articles, tens of millions of social media followers, being known as the person who destigmatized this and encouraged society to do that.

My morals are what push Me towards that over any other public pursuit and what keeps Me from backing out after minor setbacks, but if admiration didn't play a role, I would simply keep My morals to Myself.

there are really very few things I'd continue to care about if I were forbidden from using them for publicity: I'd still like My fixations and some positive sensory experiences (E.G. music, food), but that's about it.

for instance, I like writing, but I wouldn't write for its own sake. I don't even journal for its own sake. when I first started, I was actually planning on publishing My entries. and even though I don't want to do that now, I'd still like to use them as a reference for My eventual autobiographical writings.

not even My own well-being matters as much as attention does. whenever I feel physically threatened or am having an episode, I immediately start scripting out in My head how I'm gonna post about it online, how I'm gonna tell someone about it, or just some fantasy about retelling the story once I'm famous.

My thoughts are often formatted to specific audiences. something happened that I want to tell My mom about? I'm going to explain the event in My head with no swearing or details I wouldn't say to her face, and I'm gonna loop this until I get it out in one way or another.

even this post wasn't spontaneous; I've been pacing around My room thinking about posting this. I don't even know how many notes this'll get. checking My notifications is discouraging, so I don't do it.

I love going to edit My profile on desktop and seeing the triple-digit follower count and consistent activity chart, though. better than any of My other accounts are doing LMAO.

[equalperson]

I'm having so much fun with this hyperfixation, but I can't get over the feeling that it's going to end badly.

the only time I can ever recall feeling this thrilled on a regular basis was during My first narcissistic high. this isn't one of those--both because it's not ego-related and I'm not hypomanic--but it's so energizing nonetheless.

the fast music, the flashy visuals, the grandiose premise, it's all so exciting; I can only imagine that this is how it feels to be at a big, rowdy party/concert/nightclub, not that I'd actually know LMAO.

but what happens next? immediately after the aforementioned narc high ended, I remember crying on the floor that I'd "never be that happy again," hours of soul-crushing despair and ruin.

I got over it, but I still can't get so stimulated on command; I don't do drugs, I'm too hypersensitive to endure loud music and erratic visuals outside the comfort of screens and headphones, and I'm not excitable enough to feel this way about 99.9% of the cool things that I see or good things that happen to Me.

when the proverbial party is over, will I just be alone in My mind again, endlessly going through the motions until I get lucky again? washing dishes, shifting furniture, staring out a locked window as I wait for another boisterous guest to change My life for a few weeks, eventually starting the cycle all over again?

not only that, but I've been having a lot of difficulty focusing on My actual special interests. I can't get easily think about them the way that I used to, and it doesn't feel the same when I do. I have bursts of appreciation, but mostly would rather go back to My current hyperfixation.

which leads Me to wonder, what if THIS is My new special interest? I tend to have three SpIns at a time: one franchise, one character, and one miscellaneous (E.G. animals, PDs). sometimes the first two are combined into just a franchise that I happen to have a favorite character in, though. so what if this is My new franchise and character?

I know what happens will happen, but I've spent almost three years avoiding other things, because I define Myself so much by My special interests.

that's a major part of the autism/narcissism co-occurrence for Me. both My special interests and My unicity are important to Me, thus I use the former to emphasize the latter.

like, no, I don't JUST like this. I am the expert. I can infodump circles around you. I know things that nobody else does. I have things nobody else does. I love this more than you are capable of loving anything at all.

so I avoided watching other shows, playing games, anything that risked triggering a new SpIn. damn, it took Me a year of listening to needy streamer overload's OST for Me to actually buy the damn game, just because I didn't want to replace a core part of who I am.

I wanted it to last forever, and I honestly still do. but it currently feels less like I'm genuinely so passionate that I want it to last and more like I'm too committed to change My mind.

like, I wanted to build My life around My special interest: I always imagined moving out and--after having the time and money to redecorate--walking into My bedroom with the bart simpson 15' LCD TV, the homer talking alarm clock, the power plant lava lamp, so on and so forth.

but damn, what would I do if this--a two-game experience that you can get through in an hour--were My special interest? I'd have nothing cool to collect, for one.

I'd also have no one to talk about it to, since it's simply a niche combination of two """cringe""" entities (FNF + sonic.exe) that most people don't even know exists; My infodumps would be strictly locked inside My head, nowhere to vent them and nowhere to show off.

not to mention the total lack of consistent content. really, going from a 35-year-old franchise that's among the most famous of all-time to a fucking FNF mod is a downgrade in every sense.

and then in comes the schizophrenia co-occurrence, making Me feel like I'm letting the characters of My SpIn down the longer I write. like, god I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I'm not giving you the life I promised. I'm sorry for being such a bad lover. I'm so fucking sorry. you really do deserve better. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

like I know they're not real, but it's as if their spirits frown upon Me. I'm alone but I'm not and it's very frightening right now.

but to try and get back to the original point, it's just a lose-lose situation: either this is temporary and I'll go back to monotony in a few days/weeks, or this is permanent and I'll have to restructure My entire image--both that of My ideal self and what I've presented to friends and family for nearly three years.

to try to be optimistic, you can also frame it as a win-win: either this is temporary and I won't have to deal with this confusion soon, or this is permanent and I'll have something more exciting to focus on. but even that feels doubtful; it's gonna lose its novelty at some point.

or perhaps I just shouldn't think about it at all. I'm sure I'm just gonna make this post, stim to these silly little songs like I've been doing, and feel normal again. but there's still something incredibly turbulent about having so little control over what makes Me feel alive, leaving it all up to random chance forever.

[equalperson]

listening to these trying to divert the suicidal shame spiral. fuck My autistic life man.

FML I just spent two weeks working on an UTAU voicebank just to realize I fucked the entire thing up and now need to start over.

for context making an UTAU means recording various syllables in your desired language--which in My case was 136 in japanese--editing your recording down so nothing but those individual syllables remain, creating two text files and one JPEG to represent it, waiting for the synthesizer to calculate the pitch of each voice clip, then manually editing out the silence + marking the consonants and vowels in each clip in the program itself.

I did all of this except the very last part, just to realize that I didn't actually clip the initial recording properly.

I've never used an audio editing software before, and didn't realize that just highlighting and saving audio in tenacity would still save the whole clip! and I didn't bother to check throughout the process because I thought I was doing everything right!

I cannot believe I just fucked up two weeks of work. and am going to have to either do it all over again--which would be extremely unpleasant, because I've done it all before--or abandon the project entirely--which would be equally unpleasant, because I'm genuinely passionate about it.

this shit sucks man why did My working memory issues and hubris have to making Me fucking stupid.

[equalperson]

FML I just spent two weeks working on an UTAU voicebank just to realize I fucked the entire thing up and now need to start over.

for context making an UTAU means recording various syllables in your desired language--which in My case was 136 in japanese--editing your recording down so nothing but those individual syllables remain, creating two text files and one JPEG to represent it, waiting for the synthesizer to calculate the pitch of each voice clip, then manually editing out the silence + marking the consonants and vowels in each clip in the program itself.

I did all of this except the very last part, just to realize that I didn't actually clip the initial recording properly.

I've never used an audio editing software before, and didn't realize that just highlighting and saving audio in tenacity would still save the whole clip! and I didn't bother to check throughout the process because I thought I was doing everything right!

I cannot believe I just fucked up two weeks of work. and am going to have to either do it all over again--which would be extremely unpleasant, because I've done it all before--or abandon the project entirely--which would be equally unpleasant, because I'm genuinely passionate about it.

this shit sucks man why did My working memory issues and hubris have to making Me fucking stupid.

[equalperson]

while working on My other icon set, I also made a few agender/nonbinary/asexual rewrite icons. the first two are canon, while the lattermost is just My personal headcanon. free to use with or without credit.

[equalperson]

unfortunately I'm very deep into a rewrite hyperfixation so. antisocial + narcissistic rewrite icons! free to use with or without credit.

[equalperson]

BTW I've been thinking about it for like. six months. but I'm gonna go ahead and say that I have antisocial traits.

because the signs I show of antisocial personality are almost all very attenuated compared to what I hear from people with full ASPD diagnoses, but it's also enough where I look at prosocial narcissists who don't experience this stuff and just have no idea how they live LMAO.

like, I OFC don't believe diagnostic criteria is everything (especially not when the criteria is as surface-level as ASPD's) and I researched far beyond that, but for the sake of simplicity, I fit two criteria in full and the rest in some altered form:

unlawful behavior - I have a lot of thoughts along these lines, but I've actually never acted on them because I'd rather not face the social and legal consequences of doing so.

deceitfulness - I don't tell elaborate lies or lie just because, but I do tend to exaggerate and downplay things IRL (not so much online) to get out of responsibilities and make Myself look better.

impulsivity - I'm mostly rather cautious and self-restrained, but I'm also very prone to novelty-seeking. most of My impulsive decisions are in contexts that nobody else can see (E.G. staying up late), as opposed to in front of anyone.

aggression - I wouldn't call Myself an "aggressive" person--as My outbursts are very occasional--but I get angry everyday, multiple times a day, over very minor distractions. I'm more likely to hit a wall until My hand changes colors than to ever express this to others, however.

disregard for safety - I've never put anyone else in danger and I make an active effort to protect Myself from threats, but I'm very dismissive of the possibility of danger: I've heard gunshots nearby and just assumed nothing would hit Me and not cared (which nothing ever has. but still). likewise, if a friend texted Me saying that they heard gunshots near them, I'd superficially comfort them, but think to Myself "they're probably gonna make it so WGAF."

irresponsibility - one of the two that I actually fit: I completely ignored the homework I was given, don't plan on getting a GED for My incomplete education or going to college, and was literally just planning on mooching off of My family for the rest of their lives until I realized I wasn't able to cope with the toxicity for that long. nothing that doesn't stimulating Me really matters.

lack of remorse - the second of those two. I don't feel bad about any of the things I mentioned above, nor about any instances where I've done wrong by somebody. I try to avoid doing wrong because I have a strong, logic-based moral compass, but I don't have any real regrets in My life.

CD before age 15 - I've never fit the criteria for CD, but I have fit the criteria for ODD (another common precursor to antisocial personality) since My mid-teens.

like I said, I definitely don't believe it'd be fair to run around acting like I'm the most antisocial person in the world, but a lot of this is too separate from the experiences of prosocial narcissists for Me to explain it through narcissism alone.

I know a lot of narcissists play themselves up and get fed up with people easily and don't really GAF about others, but I've also seen that most of this is ego-based (E.G. narcissistic rage with little-to-no generalized irritability).

many of My impairments certainly are egocentric, but much of this comes more from a need for stimulation and disregard for commonplace morality than just "I'm acting out because I'm entitled to/I need attention/My image has been threatened."

obviously that's the case sometimes, but at many other points it's more like "I'm acting out because I don't believe [taboo behavior] is wrong/I'm bored/everything pisses Me off," which is much more in line with how I hear antisocials explaining their experiences than anything else.

[equalperson]

poll idea:

pwNPD, do you reclaim the term narcissist?

I am a pwNPD and I reclaim the term narcissist

i am a pwNPD and I do not reclaim the term narcissist

i am a pwNPD and I don’t give a shit

not a pwNPD // see results

[equalperson]

npd lesbian roxanne pride icons

like/rb if using + credit