fmlineedtorant

[fmlineedtorant]

Thanks to having multiple therapists over the years, i make a point of avoiding trash talking myself. Like I saw one post about how self- degrading can be just as harmful as a stranger saying the same things, and it stuck with me.

I try to be kind to myself when my thoughts aren't.

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I mean at age 29 I'm still heavily reliant on a stuffed animal for comfort. Which I'm aware is not something someone neurotypical would want. As an autistic I am hypervigilant to make sure I'm not inconveniencing those around me but at the same time....

I crave someone for a queer-platonic relationship just so I solve my touch-starvation.

I know that no one pays attention to this blog but I'm sorta grateful for that.

It let's me ramble at the void when I'm drunk. To be truthful I mostly use this blog to let my drunk rambling out and to complain about the people that are in my life. And occasionally about my depression and the thoughts that come with.

Like i know that alcohol is a downer but since I am not currently medicated I don't experience that low that most depressive do. Granted I am aware that alcoholism is a very real thing as the fact that both my parents have it.

I like how floaty alcohol makes me. Makes me glad that at most I drink maybe twice a month. I am. Super aware that addiction runs in my family which is why I make sure I drink somewhat responsibility when I do drink.

Typically I will ramble about characters from tv and the like when I drink. Better to be sad about fictional men while drunk than to trauma dump on an unsuspecting random.

Being drunk also makes me very aware of how touch starved I am. But I live in a touch adverse house so.... I wish that my ex-bff hadn't turned out to be a non combative person.

I want a hug so badly. I need someone to be my weighted blanket for like 11 hours. Like I know that my ex-bff was bad for me in the long run but I miss the platonic cuddles. I know for a fact that my younger brothers won't agree to cuddles and I won't force my ma who I know who is touch-adversed and has trauma for snuggles. But at age 29 I miss when someone would show me unconditional love.

At what point do parents decide that their children stop wanting comfort? My ma has been having a hard time with her work lately but I've used that to both comfort her and to help with my touch-starvation. And I feel so guilty doing so, even tho I know that humans crave connection.

Seriously I am ready to reach out to my dad who I am low contact with for physical affection.

I just.... blaaagh!!!

The hiccups I currently have aren't helping!

[fmlineedtorant]

I know that no one pays attention to this blog but I'm sorta grateful for that.

It let's me ramble at the void when I'm drunk. To be truthful I mostly use this blog to let my drunk rambling out and to complain about the people that are in my life. And occasionally about my depression and the thoughts that come with.

Like i know that alcohol is a downer but since I am not currently medicated I don't experience that low that most depressive do. Granted I am aware that alcoholism is a very real thing as the fact that both my parents have it.

I like how floaty alcohol makes me. Makes me glad that at most I drink maybe twice a month. I am. Super aware that addiction runs in my family which is why I make sure I drink somewhat responsibility when I do drink.

Typically I will ramble about characters from tv and the like when I drink. Better to be sad about fictional men while drunk than to trauma dump on an unsuspecting random.

Being drunk also makes me very aware of how touch starved I am. But I live in a touch adverse house so.... I wish that my ex-bff hadn't turned out to be a non combative person.

I want a hug so badly. I need someone to be my weighted blanket for like 11 hours. Like I know that my ex-bff was bad for me in the long run but I miss the platonic cuddles. I know for a fact that my younger brothers won't agree to cuddles and I won't force my ma who I know who is touch-adversed and has trauma for snuggles. But at age 29 I miss when someone would show me unconditional love.

At what point do parents decide that their children stop wanting comfort? My ma has been having a hard time with her work lately but I've used that to both comfort her and to help with my touch-starvation. And I feel so guilty doing so, even tho I know that humans crave connection.

Seriously I am ready to reach out to my dad who I am low contact with for physical affection.

I just.... blaaagh!!!

The hiccups I currently have aren't helping!

[fmlineedtorant]

Fiddleford McGucket is a character with depth that I wanna hug.

Like this poor man!!!!!

The first McGucket to go to college but not the first to lose his mind. Gets ridiculed about his theory about the world being a hologram so much that he seriously considered dropping out of college until Stanford came along.

He leaves his wife and child to help his old college buddy (he probably remembered that first meeting as he agreed wanting to return the favor). Fidds arrived in Gravity Falls on July 29th and then quits the project on Jan 18th. 173 days in Gravity Falls. That is how long it took. In that time he is traumatized so throughly that he created the memory gun and started his cult.

Then in the course of about 2 years completely destroyed his mind. Thus becoming Old Man McGucket.

There is so much we don't know about him and his family. We know that Tater 'Tate' McGucket at some point moved from Palo Alto,CA to Gravity Falls, OR. We know that Fiddleford was married to Emma-May McGucket née Dixon. We know he is supposed to be the first McGucket to go to college. We know that his cousin Thisleburt claimed that their grandmother was taken by ' saucer people'. Fidds has a raccoon wife. But other than this a lot of his life is left up to interpretation.

He forgot to get his wife a Christmas gift but got Ford 2 handmade gifts. Its no wonder that fiddauthor is such popular ship. He is such a complicated character. He scolds Ford for using phrases like 'What the devil' implying that he's a religious man. We know that it is most likely that Stanford went through the portal in 82ish.

So no matter your headcannon, the 80s was a time. The implications alone!

But to be a man so afraid. So terrified that forgetting via a device that was largely untested was better than facing the memories head on at the time.

We don't know for sure that Fiddleford was a cheater but the implications are there. Maybe he did have an emotional affair but the fact that his anxiety was so strong that he didn't see another option other than forgetting.

Fiddleford Hadron McGucket you are a tragedy and cautionary tale.

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Currently watching Danny motta's reaction to epic the musical and I'm just thinking of gravity falls the whole time. Like there's a billford animatic of My Goodbye that has been living in my head rent free. Which just makes me analyze billford in depth.

Like the whole relationship however you view it romantic or platonic has such multitudes. I truly believe that Bill did in some way care for Ford. He trusted Ford enough to talk about his home dimension and he honestly believed that he could get Stanford to join him. Stanford may have started as a target for building the portal butat some point Bill actually started to get attached.

Granted with how long Bill has lived he doesn't treat Ford like a person. He treats him more like a pet/prize/toy. Ford in Bill's eye is like a somewhat intelligent pet at best, but he still offers him more than we see for the other henchmaniacs. He sees himself in Ford which is why he is so upset when Ford rejects him.

Bill does not understand Ford's need to be good. Bill has given up on being good at this point because the last time he tried to share something purely just to be sharing, it went disastrously. He just wanted to share the stars.

And then there's Ford's side. He gave himself to Bill completely. He allowed Bill control because he felt that Bill understood him. They were both outcasts that wanted to prove themselves. Ford turned his back on Fiddleford, his first true friend since Stanley because he believed Bill about the portal. He worshipped Bill as a muse and as his friend. He let Bill into his mind only for Bill to betray him.

And it makes me wonder at what point did Bill realize that he had completely lost Ford? Because he gloats when Stanford first confronts him about the portal. Bill then starts on the torture to force Ford into compliance. When did Bill see that Ford had stopped looking at him with awe but with distain, horror, and rage. When he realize that there would no longer be games of chess. No more conversations about the stars. No more looks of adoration and care. When did Bill have the realization that Sixer would never look at him the same.

Bill cared for Ford in a twisted way but he did care. And no matter how you view Stanford Pines feelings for Bill there is no question in that he did care as well.

I just.....

Bill, who states that he is trillions of years old, making this mortal man into the closest thing to an intellectual equal he has. A man who he says will die of a heart attack at 92 becomes the person that Bill let's close. Stanford Pines was probably the only person Bill had let close since Elucidyia. Bill tells Ford that a monster destroyed his home dimension. Ford immediately offered to help Bill with vengeance. And in probably the most honest moment Bill has had, he tells Ford that the monster would eat him alive, knowing that he himself destroyed his home dimension. Before the confrontation that was most likely the most honest thing Bill shared.

And I wonder does Ford know how much Bill actually trusted him?! Bill showed him the remains of Elucidyia! In the Book of Bill the page about Elucidyia is heavily censored. Bill deluded himself about Elucidyias destruction, about how he liberated them. He meant to show them the stars but in doing so whiped them out. When does Ford realize that he knows more about Bill than the rest of the multiversity. When does it hit that maybe, just maybe, In his own twisted toxic way Bill did and still does trust and care about Stanford Pines.

Again I'm rambling but I can spend hours waxing poetic about the subtle details the make the Billford relationship interesting.

Woooot! Tipsy time!!!

[fmlineedtorant]

Woooot! Tipsy time!!!

[fmlineedtorant]

I just can across a video that was asking "How old would you have been is your attempt was successful?" And I just......

I think I was 14 the first time. I don't actually remember because I was disassociated for a long while there. But I know I was in the 8th grade.

The second time was later that year but I'm fairly certain I was 15 because that time I was inpatient for a month and I remember getting a tiny thing of candy corn for Halloween before being moved to a nightmare outpatient facility.

The last time I was 17. No one other than a therapist I later told knows about it. I'm still not certain if that one happened or not, if it was a nightmare or not.

Today I am 28. I lived. I survived. I may still have those thoughts but I'm still here.

Seeing that video made me stop and count. How has it been more than a decade? How did I not notice? When did I stop counting How long it been?

I may not being my best currently but I did get better.

If you're looking for a sign here is one. It may be tough now but keep fighting. Find something to live for. It doesn't have to be something big. It could be something as simple as wanting to see the stars or another sunset. Hell It could be just wanting to have your favorite food or finding a cool rock. And if you complete that, keep finding a new goal.

You can do this. It's gonna take time but it is worth it. So go splash in a puddle, make a snow angel, or go have a snack. Whatever keeps you alive. It's not silly if it keeps you going. It's not a stupid reason if it works for you.

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Like i would absolutely hug both Stanford and Fiddleford, don't get me wrong. But Stanley has my heart first and foremost. He has gone through so much that I am genuinely interested in giving him all the love he deserves.

God I'm drunk right now. But I'm now rewatching gravity falls with commentary and omg do I love grunkle stan so much.. I wanna hug him sooooo badly. That man has been through so much but also disco girl is a masterpiece for being an Abba knock off.

I mean I would absolutely also hug Stanford Pines along with Stanley but I wanna hug Stanley most. The man who just wants his family back. Everything stan has done is to get his family back .He deserves to have someone who loves Stanley and not Stanford. He needs someone to love every part of him. From the soft grunkle to the harden conman. I absolutely love this man. There is sooo much depth to the man that is Stan Pines that I am left speechless on occasion.

He is kicked out of his house at 17. He has who knows how many failed business ventures. Only then does he start to get into the shady side of things. He goes to prison multiple times(he chewed his way out of a trunk). He tries to reconnect with his twin. He accidentally pushes his twin into an interdimensional portal. He tries to regain his twin by repairing said portal. He fixes the portal only to tear a rift into reality as a consequence bring your brother home. Your brother who you haven't seen in 30 years punches you as soon as he sees you. The disappointment in the fact that you fucked things up even more trying to fix things.

I just.... He needs a hug. I want to hug him so terribly.

[fmlineedtorant]

I wanna own like a coffee shop/bookstore in Gravity Falls so badly. Like that would be the perfect way to bridge the gap between Stanley and Stanford. I just.... Both of the older Pines twins need several hugs along with therapy. Like I would absolutely dote on Stanford if given the chance but Stanley... Stanley needs the anchor that is someone loving him for who he is crimes and all.

Just the visceral need I have to only hug Stanley Pines. But also don't get me started on Fiddleford Hadron McGucket.

God I'm drunk right now. But I'm now rewatching gravity falls with commentary and omg do I love grunkle stan so much.. I wanna hug him sooooo badly. That man has been through so much but also disco girl is a masterpiece for being an Abba knock off.

I mean I would absolutely also hug Stanford Pines along with Stanley but I wanna hug Stanley most. The man who just wants his family back. Everything stan has done is to get his family back .He deserves to have someone who loves Stanley and not Stanford. He needs someone to love every part of him. From the soft grunkle to the harden conman. I absolutely love this man. There is sooo much depth to the man that is Stan Pines that I am left speechless on occasion.

He is kicked out of his house at 17. He has who knows how many failed business ventures. Only then does he start to get into the shady side of things. He goes to prison multiple times(he chewed his way out of a trunk). He tries to reconnect with his twin. He accidentally pushes his twin into an interdimensional portal. He tries to regain his twin by repairing said portal. He fixes the portal only to tear a rift into reality as a consequence bring your brother home. Your brother who you haven't seen in 30 years punches you as soon as he sees you. The disappointment in the fact that you fucked things up even more trying to fix things.

I just.... He needs a hug. I want to hug him so terribly.

[fmlineedtorant]

Oh god. I just was reminded of the fact that dipper and mabel used a magic 8 balk to decide if they would stay the summer and I just.... I NEED to hug this old man. Because it is stated that he over heard this convo between the twins. Stan Pines I swear if I were to ever get the chance to I would give the biggest and deepest hug to. He deserves all the comfort in the world.

Like don't get me wrong, I would give Stanford all the hugs he deserves and needs as well but Stanley owns my heart at this point. I don't care about his criminal records let me hug him.

God I'm drunk right now. But I'm now rewatching gravity falls with commentary and omg do I love grunkle stan so much.. I wanna hug him sooooo badly. That man has been through so much but also disco girl is a masterpiece for being an Abba knock off.

I mean I would absolutely also hug Stanford Pines along with Stanley but I wanna hug Stanley most. The man who just wants his family back. Everything stan has done is to get his family back .He deserves to have someone who loves Stanley and not Stanford. He needs someone to love every part of him. From the soft grunkle to the harden conman. I absolutely love this man. There is sooo much depth to the man that is Stan Pines that I am left speechless on occasion.

He is kicked out of his house at 17. He has who knows how many failed business ventures. Only then does he start to get into the shady side of things. He goes to prison multiple times(he chewed his way out of a trunk). He tries to reconnect with his twin. He accidentally pushes his twin into an interdimensional portal. He tries to regain his twin by repairing said portal. He fixes the portal only to tear a rift into reality as a consequence bring your brother home. Your brother who you haven't seen in 30 years punches you as soon as he sees you. The disappointment in the fact that you fucked things up even more trying to fix things.

I just.... He needs a hug. I want to hug him so terribly.

[fmlineedtorant]

God I'm drunk right now. But I'm now rewatching gravity falls with commentary and omg do I love grunkle stan so much.. I wanna hug him sooooo badly. That man has been through so much but also disco girl is a masterpiece for being an Abba knock off.

I mean I would absolutely also hug Stanford Pines along with Stanley but I wanna hug Stanley most. The man who just wants his family back. Everything stan has done is to get his family back .He deserves to have someone who loves Stanley and not Stanford. He needs someone to love every part of him. From the soft grunkle to the harden conman. I absolutely love this man. There is sooo much depth to the man that is Stan Pines that I am left speechless on occasion.

He is kicked out of his house at 17. He has who knows how many failed business ventures. Only then does he start to get into the shady side of things. He goes to prison multiple times(he chewed his way out of a trunk). He tries to reconnect with his twin. He accidentally pushes his twin into an interdimensional portal. He tries to regain his twin by repairing said portal. He fixes the portal only to tear a rift into reality as a consequence bring your brother home. Your brother who you haven't seen in 30 years punches you as soon as he sees you. The disappointment in the fact that you fucked things up even more trying to fix things.

I just.... He needs a hug. I want to hug him so terribly.

[fmlineedtorant]

I'm doing better first thing. I've been diagnosed with both adhd and autism and have started meds for the adhd. I've applied to 2 jobs that I hope I get one of. My birthday has passed by. I'm good. Things get better. Spite prevails again over my depression

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I need to say this somewhere. I'm not okay. I haven't been okay for awhile now. My depression is hitting very hard. The thing is every time I plan on saying something to my therapist I chicken out. Lord knows I don't want to burden my mama with this. There are times when my intrusive thoughts start screaming for pain and an end. I've managed on my own so far but it keeping getting harder. I haven't had a steady job since 2020. The one job that did reach out I had a major panic attack on my first day and was let go. I feel like a burden. I'm 24 and living with my mother. I am unable to see a future for myself. The only reasons my depression hasn't won is because I don't want to do that to mama and my younger siblings. But I don't see another way.

[fmlineedtorant]

....I feel worthless and stupid

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Powers been out since about 9pm on Feb 12th. Its fucking freezing. Asked my mom who is at my aunts to come get me. BUT SOMEONE DECIDED TO BREAK ONE OF HER CARS WINDOWS

FUCK

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FUCK

[fmlineedtorant]

Uh… Hey.

Look. I know I ain’t th’ smartest fella out there. But I just needed to try an’ tell youse somethin’ important since youse might need to hear it..

Life’s a pretty shit place sometimes. It’ll knock youse on youser’s ass over an’ over again. But youse gotta do me a favour out there - don’t let it beat youse to a pulp. Get back up. Show them that youse is a fighter, even when youse don’t wanna fight no more.

Sometimes a car needs a few tries to start up, yeah? Youse is like that tired engine. It ain’t easy, but youse can dewit. Show them whose boss.

‘Cause I believes in youse. You ain’t fightin’ alone, I promise.