fortunatelynoisynightmare

[fortunatelynoisynightmare]

my trauma did not make me stronger. It made me angry and scared.

[fortunatelynoisynightmare]

im too fucking complicated and messed up to be loved

[fortunatelynoisynightmare]

i can’t do it anymore. i just want to give up on everything. i have nothing left to give.

[fortunatelynoisynightmare]

nobody talks about the fact that you can have all this crazy shit in your head, and want to open up and talk about your feelings but no matter what, you just can't make out the right words and properly put your thoughts and emotions into words

[fortunatelynoisynightmare]

[fortunatelynoisynightmare]

[fortunatelynoisynightmare]

i don’t even feel human anymore

[fortunatelynoisynightmare]

I’m very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very tired.

[fortunatelynoisynightmare]

It's kind of surreal when you realize no one around feels everything as deeply as you do. No one cares as deeply either. No on understands because to them, I don't matter enough for them to even try and yet my love never wavers. Even when I'm hurt, I forgive. Even when I am left alone at my darkest moments, I am still still there when they need me. I don't need to question my worth or how much I am loved, it's obvious from their words and actions. I have done so many hard things by myself, things I shouldn't have had to do by myself and some still have the nerve to call me weak? Well that I will not answer to, you can insult me and call me crazy or whatever else but don't you dare call me weak. Another one of those days where the only goal I have is to make it to the night. I feel so alone, like I'll never make any friends and that my whole life will be chaotic and anxiety inducing forever. I wish someone wanted to help me and be here for me right now, but I don't know if I'd even want that. Everything seems so easy for everyone else I wish I knew how to handle it like they do.It's like. I know I'm a terrible, mean, bitter person so I torture myself and hate myself as a form of punishment so that everyone else knows that I'm acknowledging how bad I am but they don't need to do anything because I'm already dealing out the punishment for being evil. Just let me take care of the ostracization and humiliation for being a bad person and you don't even need to acknowledge my presence. I'm like a self curing cancer.

I don't know. 

I don't feel strongly. 

I don't feel anything. 

I am formless in my mind. 

I don't know how to feel. 

I have no gender. 

I don't care about gender. 

I am Gender Apathetic. 

And I don't know how to tell people. 

That I don't care. 

That I feel more comfortable not being anything. 

I don't want people to know me. 

I'm afraid. 

I'm afraid that they're gonna judge me. 

They're gonna tell me I'm not valid. 

I won't know how to handle it. 

I can't handle. It. 

This isn't even poetry. 

This is just me writing into the void and hoping someone talks back. 

Hoping that the words of comfort that people echo will find my ears and tell me I'm valid. 

That who I am is who I was meant to be. 

That I'm not a disappointment. 

Should I ask her? 

Should I message him? 

Who should I get advice from? 

I don't know. 

I know I feel torn apart. 

I feel empty. 

I feel numb and hollow. 

I feel apathetic. 

I just want one person to tell me that who I am is good enough. 

That I deserve to be here. 

The thing I'm most TERRIFIED about. 

Is that I'm not gender apathetic. 

What if I'm faking it for attention. 

What happens then. 

Who do I tell? 

How do I tell them? 

Simply, I don't. 

 Could not my heart and my mind have never felt so aligned. But what's causing these tears is not as kind.

With planning and practice everything was in place. But just like everything else I should have been ready to brace.

My plans have failed their falling into tiny pieces. But what’s the surprise they are always only HALF decent.

checking off the boxes Making my lists. Making sure everything is perfect. But now I’ve clenched my fists.

[fortunatelynoisynightmare]

“People are going to disappoint you, I get that… I kind of expect that, but I dont know, what if you wake up one day and realise that you’re the disappointment.”

— Peyton Sawyer