freshb8

[freshb8]

So, today marks one year of me going to college.Let me tell you, this has been possibly the roughest ride I have ever been on.

I started off as a Naive, extremely hopeful and somewhat delusional 18 year old guy. I mean hey, for someone who has spent majority of their life indoors everything is rose-tinted. I thought I was gonna study, party hard, fall in love and lead a generally happy life!

But little did I know what lay ahead in store for me. Im an above average student, and college work did seem like a piece of cake. I had good roommates and I felt like okay maybe college isn't half as bad considering I heard other people's nightmare stories.

Me and my girlfriend and that time had moved to the same city to study, and oh to be in love in a new city. Although we lived a few hours apart, I thought everything was going generally well.

Now this is where things went fucking downhill... Within 15 days of starting my classes, I got dumped, I fell horribly sick, I could not write my mid-terms and fell into a sort of a depressive void.

There was nothing I could think about but her, and suddenly my roommates decided they hated me and things got even more horrible. That led to me being further depressed because of people kind of taunting me and I nearly lost 5 kgs, even though I was a already a pretty skinny guy.

I started to look like a skeleton, immersed in my own music. On the outside youd think I was normal, just another guy..but I couldnt show my hurt for men laugh when you do.

No one knew I was sad, just absorb it in all day with pretty much 0 outlets. Staying in the dorms became a nightmare... But I stood strong. I didnt break.

So I was alone, heartbroken,sick and sad and was getting uglier by the day. Extreme acne break out, maybe it was the water, Idk or whatever it was. I was feeling ugly due to a part of my receded hairline( Id shaved my head)

Thats when He took me on a road trip. Which was the point where my life started taking a full 180...

He told me things I would have never imagined. Up until then, I believed in love...and what not. God I feel so stupid now.

I was a top-tier simp and insecure guy. Very much needing reassurance of a girl and stuff. Then that day he told me to buy a jar of protein and to get my ass to the gym and if I didnt hed kill me.

Oh those days, sneaking down to the village taking the bus, chugging the protein in the woods..just me, the gym pump and my headphones.

They ask me why I always keep my headphones on, I wont ever say this but it was them who saved my life when I thought nothing was worthwhile and I ought to kill myself.

I recovered, within a month I recovered so much..it was almost a miracle. Then started the journey of rebuilding myself...

On my 19th Birthday I got hammered and drunk-dialled my ex. I dont know if that was any good but talking to her made my burning rage calm. It finally gave me the closure I needed. Funny story, she was drunk too.

Then I started focusing more on friends and going out and what not..everything to replace the void she left in me. I bought a new motorcycle! I basically gained back the weight I lost and put on a few more.

Then I moved out of the hostel... Got my own room with new friends! Went on more trips but still I was sad within. Ive always been sad.That feeling of speeding back home at 3 am after watching a movie.. damn.

Then came march, until then I was kind of fixated on lifting those weights.

Then my sister got married, I was happy as fuck. Then struck the pandemic!!! And 3 months were a blur. I went back there. And one day I had an epiphany... I somehow found out that I suffer from ADHD.

That was a huge chunk to process considering that affected me all my life and was the root of all my problems.

But now I know what I want, I have support. I have people who try to understand. But most important. I understand myself now!

Im not saying im always a cheerful ball of sunshine but im definitely more happy

[freshb8]

I existentially identify as a void

[freshb8]

Billy Butcher is one of the best morally grey characters ive witnessed. But hes kinda inspirational because he doesnt stop at anything to get what he wants. His undying love for Becca.

[freshb8]

Gotta get up, the light is flickering. Wisps of your essence leaving you. You're sad, Crumbled; broken down. Why won't anyone hear me? Please save me. Wake up. No one's coming to save you. As harsh as it may sound, your demons are the least of someone else's concern. Yes, they will say I'm here for you If you need something let me know, why don't you try yoga? The hurt is near Invisible to them. You've been kind enough, soldier. They've walked all over you. Leaving you liked shattered glass. Think of yourself first because this world has always been the kind of place that'll take you down with itself. You're anxious, you're depressed you're stressed. But all I can say is...fight. Wage a war. You won't lose. Whatever it takes. There'll be moments when you're down... Feel like dying. Because no one cares. But don't. Why do you want to die because someone else doesn't care. I care. You care about yourself. You'll find people who care. This trench is deep. But you'll get out. And when you do, I want to see you raising the victory flag. I'm not portraying this as something glorious. You'll be miserable. You'll be broken. You'll be wounded. Some permanent. But you'll win. You'll come out. You'll be strong. The flame rages on. Burn everything that ever came in the way of you finding peace. You look down it'll be all worth it perhaps.

[freshb8]

I feel like I'm in sort of a void. You know a place where I'm kind of inaccessible to myself. I can see what's going on but I have no control over my own very actions. It's like I've formed a separate wall between me and all humans. I fear hurt. Cliché. But I do fear it. It's crazy how one person's actions can mess up your life. It wasn't really her actions it was my immaturity I wasn't ready yet. But pain is the way to grow it's been an year since you met her and look at you know all wise wise. But like a soda without fizz. Bovine. Why am I bovine. The only things that move me are negative emotions which is why I flock to them. i can feel the rage mobilizing me energizing me these feelings last. The sadness is fuel. I mocked someone earlier but now I understand. Sadness is fuel. It pushes me to do things not certainly good ones. But yes, it does. Jealousy,envy,spite,anger,sadness. They push me. They're running me. I've changed. My moral base has contracted. As much as I want to not give a fuck and be a brainless twat. Here i am. This is me. I'll have to accept it.

[freshb8]

I feel weary. I'm tired. Give me a reason to live, to go out in this world again.

What fuels you? What makes you get up everyday and go? The hope for a future? for a better life? I'm not saying I'm above social construct. I'm human, and I naturally yearn for validation but

what am I struggling for? Who am I proving myself to? This hypocritical state of human nature bugs me. Do things for yourself to prove your worth to others. Chasing that forever running rainbow treasure: happiness. It doesn't exist. life is like a wave. You won't feel you're up unless you go down. I don't understand our existence. I'm not searching for a higher purpose. I'm just questioning our existence. what's the point of survival, if we're all doomed to eternity anyway? I'm not saying I don't want to live... I'm infused with survival instinct as much as any other person. But life is certainly very eccentric and this game does not come with instructions.

[freshb8]

Sadness

When I'm alone, I'm frozen in the moments just between you and me; everything else is still.

Babe, I know alcohol is poison,but there are things inside of me that I need to kill.

#poetry

#sadhours

[freshb8]

Ties

Tears streak down your face, they said someone who tries can never lose . Fighting that crumbling battle, you slowly feel all that hope draining away, the flame extinguishing, like someone pulled the plug on you. "Where did I go wrong, why are you leaving me?" You think, dumbstruck and furious. But the response is just as cold as any. sometimes, winning someone back may not be the best thing that could happen to you. That feeling of being scared of loneliness, that is what drags you back each time there, yet you come home with a heavy heart. Eventually they move away, you're thankful you did not hold on, Now they're just fragments,of the sad,sad days gone.

[freshb8]

Mirage

A man walked down an empty road,

trying to choose a path.

He always wanted to be powerful,

being the best man there ever had been.

Valiant and grand,the luxuries allured him like a mermaid on the rocks.

But fate is an unpredictable entity.

He got what he wanted, but not what he needed.

"Why am I not happy?" the man asked himself.

"Where did I go wrong?" he thought..

All the thoughts poured down upon him like a barrage,

only to realize that his pursuit of eternal joy, was just a mirage.

[freshb8]

Drunk

I wake up,head spinning, eyes reluctant to open. My phone buzzed; Then it suddenly dawned upon me, what I'd done last night. Saw a text."We're done;It's over,don't ever call me." I looked out of the window, towards the sunset; Only the vodka in front of me,could sense my regret.

[freshb8]

Secrets

You bury your face in a pillow, trying not to break down; Trying to get control, of the blizzard of emotions overwhelming you. You think,"should I tell anyone?" but decide against it, because some things aren't meant to be said; they are kept just between you and your bed.

[freshb8]

Conflict

Every thought that comes, is eating you alive...

Every second you lose,is wasted precious time...

What makes you think you’re strong...

What makes you think you’re tough...

Hold up,swallow your pride...

‘Cause you’re breaking;on the inside.

[freshb8]

Adrift

I used to hold on to the memory; The two of us, laughing like there was no tomorrow. Wanting nothing but each other. But as time passed, I saw us drifting apart. I tried; believe me I tried. But sometimes holding on is tough. All I'm saying is, it didn't have to end like this. Although I hate to admit it, sometimes in my sleep it is you who I miss.

#poetry

[freshb8]

Dark Water

There was a pond, oddly dark yet alluring. 

I walk up to it, and try to see my own reflection.

But I see something entirely wild. 

I stammer,"w-w-who are you? and what might you be?"

It said," I'm you; but remorseless and free."

[freshb8]

Memories

Walking up on the old pier, she gently stroked my hand. I said," Hey, remember how we used to sit here?" to which she didn't respond; but kept gazing at me, her face radiant with joy. The sun was setting, the sky was a brilliant color. After sitting for a while,I threw a ball, and said ,"fetch!" a merry figure ran towards the horizon, paws sinking in the wet sand.

[freshb8]

Storm

I sit here alone, the twilight sun pours through the room, darkness seeps in, trying to consume me over. I battle my own self , struggling to be sane. Pangs of hunger, tinges of loneliness; so many people around , yet I feel alone, is life meant to be this way, or am I a misfit? so much work, so less will, I check my social media, bombarded with pictures of "happy" people. Maybe one day things will be better, maybe one day I'll stop thinking I'm ugly. Maybe one day everything will be alright. But these are maybes bigger than my will to survive. No I'm not going to kill myself, but all I see is a bleak future, I know I'm destroyed, I know I'm broken, I know I'm shattered, but..... I do not care. I'm going come back at you all like a storm you have never seen before, destroying everything that comes in my quest to be happy.

[freshb8]

I lent you my heart 'cause I thought you felt it, but you cannot have fire if the candle's melted.

Maroon 5