furiousgoldfish - Tumblr blog

[furiousgoldfish]

[furiousgoldfish]

A common struggle of cptsd is having what we think are 'exaggerated reactions', or 'overreactions' to things; we believe that we should be able to stay calm, collected, peaceful, pleasant and well behaved in any situations. Our common responses of intense anxiety, anger, panic, shock, pain and grief, at situations that other people are able to respond to with minimal emotion, are a source of shame for us. We feel like we don't have it under control enough, we feel like a failure for not being able to stay collected, for having these big embarassing spill of emotions that sometimes stop us from functioning completely.

It feels like it's us who is wrong, if other people are able to have 'rational' and 'appropriate' responses to things, and we don't, it has to be an 'us' problem.

But then we sometimes see people reacting in an unsual or intense way to various things, and we think nothing of it, right? If someone responds with intense laughter or tears or panic at something that might not seem that big of a deal, we don't immediately think it's innapropriate or shameful. We consider that everyone is different, and reacts to things differently. And maybe that person had something happen to them that would cause a reaction like this, maybe they have a specific reason for how they react. And in most cases, we find it normal to accept their reaction and comfort them if necessary.

Sometimes we'll even rationalize or tolerate actually harmful reactions, like people reacting with rage or violence to issues that don't require that kind of response. We take their aggression as just a great intensity of wanting something to go their way, and we dare not criticize or shame it, we understand in that case, that people can't help wanting something, and that it's natural for them to fight for it.

So why is it so shameful and mortifying for us to have reactions of panic and pain, which essentially, are not harming anyone? Because we've been shamed for reacting in any way that inconveniences anyone, and we're used to comparing ourselves to what we believe are 'normal' people, and judging ourselves harshly if we come out short.

I don't think I've felt ashamed or mortified for any reaction I had to anything, until I was getting shamed and punished for it. People in general, don't question their reaction because they have no reason to, they trust their own judgment and their own emotions, if they naturally react badly to something, it's a bad thing, and thats that. But we are often punished and made to question our own reactions, often to cover up the abuse we reacted to. We were made to develop a deep sense of shame for having a bad reaction to abuse, so that another person might abuse us all they wanted, and we would only be able to look down, feel bad, and blame ourselves.

I want to argue that our reactions are appropriate and rational, considering what happened to us. Let's take a simple example: if a dog bites a person, and that person becomes infected, or very ill, or close to death as a consequence of it, this person will naturally become scared of dogs, right? And nobody will judge them or consider their bad reaction to dogs innapropriate. If something almost kills you, you will react badly do it. It's an appropriate reaction considering what had happened.

In that same way, if we suffered continual abuse, that constantly reminded us that we're worthless, incapable of anything, unable to live on our own, cannot be loved, cannot be redeemed, intrinsically evil, and this abuse brought on struggles with anxiety, depression, cptsd, suicidal feelings, it cost us years of our life that we spent in pain and shame, then yes, everything that reminds us of that abuse, everything that causes an emotional flashback or that same feeling of shame, will have an extreme reaction! It would be unnatural if it didn't.

And today's world is filled with disapproval, judgment, shaming, and even vitriol that is used to control others. Even gaslighting is starting to become common. Every dirty look, change of tone in someone's voice, burst of anger, pointing out our flaws, lashing out on us, showing less than perfect satisfaction, all of that is likely to be triggering to a person who's been trough abuse. We would not have been sensitive to it, if it hadn't almost killed us. Our reactions are appropriate, considering what had happened to us.

Even if the rest of the world is hell bent on judging you for having extreme reactions, you don't have to judge yourself. You know that your reactions are there because of what happened to you, because you need to be protected from this. You're not over-reacting, you're reacting in the only way anyone in your circumstances would. If people fail to see or understand the circumstance, that's their problem. You are not here to carry the shame of the world's ignorance.

[furiousgoldfish]

They made the decision to abuse you. None of it is your fault. It doesn’t matter what you did. There is nothing you could have done to deserve it. It’s their fault. Not yours. I promise.

[furiousgoldfish]

It doesn't matter if they only lift a hand on you once. You still knew they were capable of it from that day on. You knew they could do it again anytime, and with this knowledge, you knew you had to go out of their way to please them, obey them, make sure they never get angry or upset, only to protect yourself from possible violence. It set you up for a life of fear, for the potential that you live in a violent place and your actions alone could change it from temporary peace to violent assault.

Even if they only threatened violence, they were telling you they were capable and willing! They were telling you 'Do as I say, or I will assault you'. You had to face the possibility that you live with people who would cause you pain to force you into actions against your will. You were forced to live in anticipation of violence, change your behaviour to actively try to prevent or avoid it. You had to make it your responsibility to prevent being assaulted in your own home. You had to live wondering when and if they were going to do it, or do it again. Since the moment they did it or threatened it, you were not safe. You lived with people you knew wanted to hurt you.

[furiousgoldfish]

I'm not sure if I'm going to publish this, because the story is traumatic, and even though I found a resolution, it could still cause pain to read this. Trigger is animal death, emotional abuse, and death and grieving in general. If this is something you can't think about, please skip this post.

I need to preface the story with a bit of a background.

As a kid, I lived in a rural area, surrounded by animals, and sometimes I would pick a favourite, and this animal would die. I'm not sure if my parents were killing these specific animals on purpose because they noticed I was spending time with them, but the animal that I would be close to, would die first every time, or be mysteriously lost. One time, one small baby animal got sick, and I was going insane trying to nurse it to health. Made a little blanket nest where I kept it, constantly tried to clean and feed it and keep it warm, and after a few days I just found it dead.

I couldn't handle it. I had bonded with the small animal, I thought I was not going to be alone anymore because this tiny creature was going to be my friend and we'll be going trough life together, and we're going to have each other, and now it was dead, and I deeply felt it was my fault. Because I didn't know how to nurse it back to health, nobody helped me, nobody else cared, and I thought I was cursed and that I kill any animal I come into contact with.

I didn't have a way to process or grieve this, so I dissociated and tried to erase the entire thing from my memory. I pretended it didn't happen. I couldn't be aware of it because it was too much. I already had so much trauma repressed, I couldn't handle anymore. So I acted like everything was fine and distracted myself with whatever, and you know what happened? My parents noticed that my animal was dead, and that I was acting fine. And they came after me. They made fun of me for 'seemingly being obsessed with the animal and clearly I don't even care anymore now it's dead'. I remember freezing in shock and horror when I heard this. They came after me to guilt me for not caring anymore for the dead baby animal. When it was, to me, very clear that it's something I'm not allowed to think about, because it was impossible to deal with. And their words worked. I felt even more guilty for acting like I didn't care. I felt frozen both in shock and shame for my behaviour, even though I would have done everything to keep the animal alive, to stop this from happening.

After that, I never got close to an animal again. Any animal closeness would trigger me back to this event, forcing me to remember my dead friend and how after spending the day in shock and deep dissociation I was told I didn't care. I didn't want any more animals to die because of me. I stopped eating animals. I did everything in my power to protect and keep animals safe. Including never getting close to one because my presence would surely kill them.

This was just the backstory, so you understand where I'm coming from when the next thing happened. And I also want to say, despite how rocky and painful this situation was, I think I handled it okay.

*

It was a normal day, I was going to work. I was biking next to a highway, when I noticed something that chilled me to the bone. There was a baby kitten, in the highway, trying to survive among the cars. I stopped in shock and horror, and the next event took only seconds to transpire. The kitten managed to get to the edge of the highway, close to where I was, and the thoughts in my head were 'I need to get it away from here, quickly! I need to put it somewhere safe!' but I realized if I advanced I might scare it, so I stood frozen in place to not pose a threat, but it was already too late. I had no time to do anything. The kitten looked up. Noticed me. Got terrified. Ran into traffic. Was dead in a second.

I didn't even have time to cry out.

I walked away frozen in shock. I kept muttering to myself 'I would have saved it. I was going to save it.' all the way to work. I kept repeating the event over and over, trying to figure out what I could have done. But there was nothing. Even if I had turned away and tried to remove myself from there, it would have been too late. The kitten would have noticed me anyway, and ran back into traffic anyway. The only way that kitten might have been saved, was if I wasn't there at all. If I didn't exist that day, on that highway, then they might be still alive. But I couldn't have known that. I didn't know me going to work that day would end in someone's death. If I had, I wouldn't have gone to work. I would have gone a different way. I couldn't have known.

The thoughts of 'world would have been better if you weren't alive' kept spiraling in my head, I tried to dissociate and forget this happened, like I tried when I was a kid, but it didn't work, I kept having flashbacks, I kept seeing the death play over and over in my head. That kitten looked rugged and abandoned. It looked neglected. It was all alone in a highway. There was no other cat or kitten nearby. And I knew how that felt. I could imagine myself so easily being abandoned, neglected, and left in a highway to die. And my role in that kitten's life was the one that caused the death. I couldn't forgive myself. Even if I didn't do anything on purpose, I was there, and the kitten died, and then I walked away dissociated and shocked, and there was nothing I could do anymore. It was too late.

I managed to do my job in this triggered and dissociated state, and by the time I was done with work, I had started to calm down and think about what I could actually do about this. Because I cared about this a lot, and all I did was walk away; not out of malice, but out of shock and despair. It felt wrong. And I understood what I needed to do to make this better. I had to go to the place of death, and say I'm sorry. I needed to act humane about this. And when you cause someone's death, even accidentally, you express regreat and grief, you say sorry.

I took off from work, and the second I realized what I was about to do, I burst into tears. I was sobbing and repeating 'I'm sorry, I'm so sorry' in my head the entire way. When I got there, the remains of the animal were still in the same place, even though completely unrecognizable. I stood by the edge of the highway and cried. I said how sorry I was, how I didn't mean to scare it. How I wished I could take it back, turn back time and make sure this didn't happen. How the kitten did not deserve this. I stood there crying and holding a hand over my heart, even though it looked insane. I cried all the way back home, shaking. And when I got back home, I was able to breathe again. And I felt slightly better.

I realized that this was my first, normal expression of grief and regret. It came delayed, because I was dissociated and flashbacking most of the day, but when I realized I just needed to deal with the situation in a humane way, that helped me feel human again. If you cast harm it's normal to express regret and grief, instead of dissociating and drowning in shame and suicidal thoughts. I still ended up crying later that day, but it wasn't a trumatic type of grief, it was just normal grief. It helped me feel normal.

The next day, I had to go past the same place, and the remains of the kitten were still there, and I couldn't help looking at them, feeling guilty again. I didn't know how to deal with that either, do I try to not look? Do I try to forget, because I couldn't do anything else but apologize, and I had already done that?

It took me a few days to figure it out. And then as I was thinking about it one day, it clicked. I needed to collect the remains and bury them. I was the only person who saw what happened, and who cared. I was tortured by the idea of cars disturbing the remains of that poor animal, I kept imagining it happening to my dead body, and it was harrowing.

So I grabbed a bag, went back to the highway, scooped what remained of the dead kitten in a bag. I promised I was taking it to a better place where it won't be awful like this. I was almost comforted by the fact that the remains didn't try to run away this time. We could go together to a safe place this time.

I picked a place next to a tree, with some stumps that I felt a cat would love to train their claws on. I felt it was going to rain soon, and I expressed the hope that the rain feels nice on the little animal bones. I forgot to bring a tool so I dug with my fingers. I covered the body with dirt, sat there for several minutes, speaking out my heart about everything, apologized again, and left it to the rain.

I'm not being tormented about it anymore. I know the kitten is in a good place now. Soft soil and rain are a good place to be. I guess this is what I had wanted to do from the start. Bring it to a safe location. Make sure it's not being chased by cars anymore. I managed to do it.

I think the only reason why I could figure it out, is that nobody was judging me, coming after me to attack me or guilt me, or tell me what to do or how I should be handling this. I was imagining the entire time, that if someone knew, they would either tell me how I could have avoided this, or that I'm stupid for being so emotional about this, and it would have ruined me. But this had no humans involved. It was just me, a dead animal, and I was given space and time to stop dissociating, to figure out what is the correct thing to do, and then do it.

I've started to think about whether I could resolve other things by the same method. What is a humane thing to do? I couldn't go back and bury my childhood pets, or tell them that I'm so sorry they died and I did nothing to stop it. I couldn't do anything about what my parents did to me either, the only consequence I could inflict on them was leaving, and I did that. So maybe it only works when you're free to do as you wish, and there are no consequences for any action, and you just pick to do something humane.

I learned that circumstances of someone's death matter very much, and what you do afterwards can change how you feel about life, and living. Ignoring a death and acting like nothing happened is one of the worst ways to go about it, but as a kid sometimes you have no other option, sometimes it's the only thing you can do. Because you're not given the safety to mourn. You're not free to express grief or regret.

This was the first death I mourned. I handled every other death, animal or human, by dissociating and feeling numb and helpless. I wish someone taught me how to mourn, and why humans have rituals like burying and grieving. Or even, if someone gave me space where I could mourn, where there are no consequences to what I do, and I could just spend some days figuring out what I'm feeling and what to do about it. Where I could figure out my own rituals to make the world feel a bit more humane.

Expressing grief, gentleness, affection and love to a dead body feels very humane. It makes death not so horrible, because after all, they're just safe in this soil, their bones are enjoying the rain, and they know you loved them and you wanted them to be safe forever. They know you handled their bones gently and wanted them to feel at peace. You got to tell them. You got to show them. Loved in death means something to the living.

[furiousgoldfish]

How to spot a smear campaign:

Victims’s “crimes” will be enlarged, and even if they’re small missteps, they will be treated as if only the worst person on the planet would do such a thing

Accusations against the victim will always be a reach, aka, they did ‘this little thing’ but it actually means they’re a racist/murderer/genocide supporter/fascist/have blood on their hands, even when the person’s actions never conformed to those crimes

All and any actions of the victims will be misenterpreted in the worst possible way, anything the person does will be taken as an offense and intentions will be read as hostile and manipulative, regardless of how clear they are

All victim’s actions will be taken out of context; ie, victim said something cruel to someone, but they take out the context of the victim being abused, threatened, tortured, forced into defense mode and finally attacking out of desperation to defend themselves and get free

The victim will commonly get provoked into giving a bad reaction, (anyone gets defensive if they’re accused of the crimes they never did, or simply triggering insults until they snap), and the reaction will become the new 'proof’ that the victim is in fact, evil and guilty

A lot of pressure will be put on you to react 'correctly’ to the smear campaign; if you don’t accept to demonize this person at once, you’re getting scrutinized, shamed for your lack of morality, told that you support all these horrid things and that you are just as despicable

You will notice a trend of people ganging together based on their demonization of the victim; they will set a standard where you’re accepted and welcome if only you also will demonize and hate this person, and if you don’t, you’re blocked, cast out, and accused of causing harm

It will feel very easy to accept to demonize this person, and going against it will feel risky, like going against the grain, doubting the word of the many and risking being demonized yourself.

The smear campaign continues all the way until the victim is chased out of the community and denied a voice, even if the victim commits no further crimes, awful things will be said about them, their past 'misdeeds’ continually brought up, until the victim is commonly believed to be worthless, and becomes completely isolated, scared of society and alone

There will be no limit to what is considered okay to do to the victim of a smear campaign; even if the victim is accused of minor bad behaviour, it will become okay to threaten, insult, shout slurs, trigger, provoke, humiliate, manipulate, and repeat any kind of abusive behaviour to the victim, all because 'they’re bad so they deserve it’.

People leading the smear campaign will switch between being 'extremely grossed out and enraged’ to showing absolute joy and satisfaction when they find a new reason to demonize and smear the victim. People truly horrified of someone’s actions do not get a leap of joy when a new disaster happens, they’re not beside themselves to abuse the perpetrator all over again.

It will never, ever be acceptable to show any mercy to the victim. Forgiveness is out of the question, trying to understand them is out of the question. Even reading or listening to what this person is saying will be banned and forbidden, unless it’s for humiliating purposes. They will be shown as absolutely irredeemable, and associating yourself with them as evil and unforgivable. You will be instructed to block or unfollow or report the person based on what you’re told, without any significant proof.

Do not fall for smear campaigns. If a large amount of people all agree that a person is the worst, but their story is exaggerated, out of context, sounds fictional, and doesn’t show any proof, and the people switch from being enraged to eager, doubt it. Participating in a smear campaign will help the abusers isolate and abuse someone, and you do not want to be a part of it. They will also smear anyone who stands up to their abuse, so you’re helping the abusers to create a place where pointing out abuse gets you cast out of the community.

[furiousgoldfish]

'hurt people hurt people' you're saying that once someone's been hurt, all they know how to do is hurt others? Anyone who has been abused is now bound to become an abuser no matter what, because they've gotten hurt? People who are hurt are now brainless hurting machines and can't be expected to do anything else but hurt others?

If any of this was true the victims of abuse would be out there destroying the rest of humanity. Instead we are often exploited, used, retraumatized, stuck in toxic friendships/relationships, all while putting our best efforts into being kind and understanding.

Hurt people hurt people is bullshit. You can get hurt and harm nobody in response. It's what we've been doing for all of our lives. There is nobody too stupid to grasp the concept of not hurting others due to personal suffering. Hurt people hurt people is abusers excuse mantra. Most of us find zero reward in casting harm towards others.

[furiousgoldfish]

Does anyone else feel like the society is structured in a way that has people forced to obediently and submissively endure harassment and abuse from their bosses and people in authority, but they're allowed to take out their frustration on anyone who is powerless to inflict consequences on them? Like their own employees, service workers, their spouse, family, children. There's no consequences for hurting the powerless and loads of consequences for standing up to authority, even if you're standing up to them for a good reason. It's almost like things were designed to be this way.

Shouldn't it be the opposite though? We should focus on standing up to people in authority, because they're likely to abuse authority they have, so there should be no consequences for challenging this authority, it needs to be challenged. We should have severe consequences for hurting those who can't fight back, because they need that protection the most.

[furiousgoldfish]

They need to invent parents that don't cause the cptsd

[furiousgoldfish]

[furiousgoldfish]

me, being born to parents incapable of love: ah but this just means I will do the impossible! I will be a perfect child! I will do so good and try so hard they'll see it and then decide to love me! This can happen!

me, sometime later, with cptsd: and perhaps,,, I will not do the impossible,,, also help--

[furiousgoldfish]

"the world isn't kind" ok??? Much more importantly are you?????

[furiousgoldfish]

'I had it worse' is a not a true reason to do anything to anyone. The real reason is 'I enjoy doing this to you, and I have an excuse to get away with it.'

[furiousgoldfish]

The rationalization of 'I had it worse' doesn't make sense.  If something bad happened to you, are you now allowed to do a version of that bad thing to someone else, and you're right to do it? In that case anyone in the world who's been trough something bad, would have the ultimate right to inflict that same, or similar thing to anyone else living on earth, yet they don't. Because they understand it's illegal and there would be consequences.

Instead, they do it to people in their family, their friends, their children, people who can't fight back, people who can't inflict consequences on them. Again, if something horrible happened to you, why would you wish a version of that on your family? If something traumatized you, why would you need it to traumatize your loved ones? If anything your focus should be on protecting the ones you love from ever being touched by it.

'I had it worse' told to someone you've just hurt, means that instead of this person being allowed to call you out, to get angry at you, to protest, to speak out their pain and their feelings about it, they now have to cease all that, in order to feel sorry for you. While they're being hurt by you, they're required to give you empathy, to think about how you were feeling however long ago when you were hurt.

But if that's what you wanted, you could have sat them down and said 'hey this thing happened to me a while ago, here's how it felt', that would have had the same effect! It would communicate your past pain and have them empathize, but this is not the goal you want. You're not seeking empathy, you're not seeking for someone to 'understand how you felt back then', you want to see them in pain. You want to see them hurt and then you want them to never be allowed to call it out, to protest or speak their mind. You want them hurt, and you want them silent. You like that more. You specifically picked out a person who wouldn't be able to fight back, and would instead get trapped in feeling bad for you, because most people in your life would not tolerate this, they would do it back to you instantly. You picked someone powerless to hurt and then shut them down by forcing them to feel bad for you instead.

You didn't do it because 'you had it worse'. You did it because you enjoy hurting them. You did it for your own sadistic desires. There was never any need to do it to anyone, except you wanted to, and found a way to get away with it. You wanted more people on earth to suffer and you made sure it happened by your hand.

[furiousgoldfish]

Does anyone else feel like the society is structured in a way that has people forced to obediently and submissively endure harassment and abuse from their bosses and people in authority, but they're allowed to take out their frustration on anyone who is powerless to inflict consequences on them? Like their own employees, service workers, their spouse, family, children. There's no consequences for hurting the powerless and loads of consequences for standing up to authority, even if you're standing up to them for a good reason. It's almost like things were designed to be this way.

Shouldn't it be the opposite though? We should focus on standing up to people in authority, because they're likely to abuse authority they have, so there should be no consequences for challenging this authority, it needs to be challenged. We should have severe consequences for hurting those who can't fight back, because they need that protection the most.

[furiousgoldfish]

They need to invent parents that don't cause the cptsd

[furiousgoldfish]

One thing that helped me to stop seeking for approval of others, was realizing how people utilize approval for their own benefit.

There isn't an all-approved system of who gets the approval, and who doesn't, according to all humanity; people are selective with their approval, and a lot of people will give you approval only and specifically if your actions benefit them personally. For instance, your neighbour will approve if you do chores for them, if you spend your time taking care of their needs, if you give them emotional support, and never ask for anything. Because that's their agenda, right, having others do things for them, in return for, well, possibly nothing. Most people will be approving if you're directly benefiting them, and disapprove if you do anything that inconveniences them, or clashes with their beliefs or traditions.

Some of conservative people save their approval only for those who fit the narrow definition of how they believe people should be; and there's not any space for diversity. You can't be openly mentally ill, or homosexual, or nonconforming to traditional roles of what people should be and do. Sometimes you also have to be a certain race and nationality, or even a certain gender to be approved of; it's not something you have any control over, not something you can do to deserve to be good enough in their eyes. And if you don't happen to fall into the small group of people who check those boxes, you better put your head down and shut up about anything you think or feel, because these people don't believe you should have a voice. So there's no sense in seeking their approval, they should be categorized as enemies. But sometimes these people are your parents, so you're naturally inclined to want their approval despite it being both bad for you, and unreachable.

Then there's also rigorously religious people, who save their approval only for the agenda of the religion; you can have the approval if you're following their religion in the way they feel is 'correct', or if you're willing to convert. Anything else, you're disapproved of, you're sorted into the box of 'sinners'. Sometimes these people are in a religious cult, and want you to join. Sometimes their judgment comes from what they've been taught by leaders who only had their own benefit in mind.

Predators will have endless approval for you, as long as you're willing to be violated by them whenever they feel like they can get away with it. Especially devastating for children who don't yet realize they're being violated at all, and who'll do anything for a bit of that approval.

I've met people who approved of me for the things I least liked about myself, and had the least control of; my politeness, my eagerness to fawn and please them, my fear of disappointing them, my silence when I wasn't feeling okay. I would be disapproved as soon as I tried to breach out; if I spoke out my feelings, disapproval, if I attempted to prioritize my own needs, disapproval. It's an easy way to control a person who is sensitive to rejection and perceives disapproval as rejection. It means causing pain to someone when they don't do as you wish.

And the thing is when you're abused and starved for approval, sometimes you're ready to fit other people's agenda just to get a little glimpse of it. You're ready to please people endlessly, maybe to join a religion or a political group, you're ready to believe their ideals, tolerate a predator or an abuser, because then they'll smile at you, tell you that you're doing good, praise you, make you feel like you belong for a second. Sometimes we're not even aware we're doing so much for just so little, and we're not aware that the ideals we're following are not in our benefit, are not something we should support at all. That we'll come out on the other side traumatized, with them not being affected at all, or caring about the mountains of effort and sacrifice we put into that relationship.

One thing that is almost never approved in society is being open about things people don't want to think about, or talk about. What happens in abusive families, what is done to children who are left alone with sadistic, manipulative adults who believe they have the right to hurt and control any child they had, how often are children exposed to pedophiles or even sexually abused by their own family members, what are the consequences of that for the child, what difficulties they face later in life. There's nothing bad in discussing this; in fact, having it out in the open gives people a chance to condemn child abuse, to turn against child abusers and predators, to predict where future abuse could occur and prevent it, to help children be more safe. But it's uncomfortable to accept the problem of abuse in their own community, so people will disapprove anyone even attempting it.

The system of approval is not universal, you'll have people approve and disapprove different things on you regardless of what you do and how you do it, but if you think about why they're doing it, it becomes clear what their agenda and intentions are. They're trying to build a world where they want to live in, (or keep up an illusion of it) and sometimes, it's not a world that you want to live in. These are not people who know how it is to be you, or how much it takes to live your life. They don't know or understand what you've been trough, they're looking at you only in the manner of how they could shape you to be what they want. Their approval is not for your own benefit. It's for theirs.

So you can do it to them too. You can decide what is good and what isn't, because you have an understanding of your own life, better than anyone else has, and you can see what in the world you want, and what your own agenda is. You can disapprove of people who try to stand in your way, or who would keep you in pain and silence just to have their illusions untouched. You can tell them you have no interest in helping their agenda because it only furthers the amount of suffering on earth.

And if they act like your opinion doesn't have a value, or you 'haven't lived long enough to have a correct opinion', then they'll never hold you on equal ground. Notice they never come up with that stuff when your opinion is the same as theirs, only when it differs, then you're not smart enough to speak. It's senseless to argue with people who look down on you for speaking out, without ever engaging with your argument, without being willing to see things from your perspective for even a second, especially after you've indulged with theirs. Them looking down on you doesn't mean you're wrong. It means they're not willing to hear you out.

Once you establish your own values and morals that you want to pursue, you can live your life according to them, and then you can approve of yourself. If you know what traits are important to you, and you have them, and you live according to them, you can evaluate yourself, and figure that you're okay. Other people can disagree, but without a significant insight in your life, your goals and your struggles, their opinions hold no weight. It's likely their disapproval comes from you not fitting perfectly into their agenda, rather than you failing at anything personally. You can decide you're good enough. Your evaluation is more important than theirs.