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How to tell a deaf dog it's time for a walk.

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Via ninninninsillusts

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Emily: Hey Hotch, do you want a tarot card reading?

Hotch: No

Hotch: Also, these are Pokémon cards

Emily, placing down a card: You got a magikarp

Hotch:

Emily: It means I deserve a raise

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4.20

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does the BAU smoke

(like. let’s pretend the FBI doesn’t drug test all its employees. haha)

Emily - she smokes, duh. She coughs a lot, though. Like a lot. Like every hit, is-she-about-to-pass-out cough. JJ told her to mix it with lavender, but that somehow made her cough more?? Water doesn’t help, just gotta let her cough it out. Somewhat useless, preparation-wise, but can ramble for hours about different kinds of glassware, papers, and torches. Which “I love you, but that doesn’t help us actually smoke it” says Penelope. Stares a lot after smoking a lot. “Prentiss, you okay?” gets heard a lot when this happens. She’s always okay, just can’t really move her eyes. 

Derek - he smokes, but really only at parties or other social events. Rolls the most beautiful Js you’ve ever seen. He once rolled one in the shape of the jet, to everyone’s amazement. Always forgets his grinder. Like every time. It’s barely been used. Makes jokes about his head being so smooth that you could roll a joint on it. JJ has. Tries to do tricks, but he fails miserably. He’s so good-natured about it though that no one makes fun of him. He and Emily are the “we’re going on a walk *smirk* ” in the middle of dinner duo. 

JJ - smokes if someone else is smoking, but only a little. She doesn’t love feeling out of control. Just kind of likes an elevated state of mind. If she ever smokes a little too much she just holds Emily’s arm really tight until it passes. Eats copious amounts of ice cream. Gives everyone little forehead kisses cause she loves them. Can also roll gorgeous, crisp Js. Always puts lavender or rose petals in her bowls. Somehow is always offered first hit. Is a fucking god at tricks. Like, how does she do that? She’s defying the laws of physics?? Emily can’t take her eyes off her when JJ’s smoking. 

Spencer - has smoked a few times, didn’t love it. Barely moved all night most times he did, and once drew a gorgeous and super detailed blueprint for an upgraded BAU office that he has no memory of coming up with. Someone gave a copy of the blueprint to Hotch, who got it framed. He’s always mesmerized by how bongs look when they’re being used, sober or not. The more intricate, the better. Once he smoked a sativa and talked for eighty-four minutes without stopping (they timed him). He fell asleep on Derek immediately afterward (who played with his hair for the rest of the night, obviously). 

Hotch - no. Hates the smell, but will not let any BAU members smoke weed that he hasn’t tested. “If you’re not getting it from a dispensary, you have to test it. I don’t care how badly you want to smoke right now.” Prepares them food and force-feeds them water when they smoke. Actually really enjoys playing stupid games with the team after they smoke. Literally prays they won’t get called on a case during a smoke sesh because these idiots can’t stop giggling and playing with Spencer’s hair. 

Penelope - definitely smokes. Always leaves lipstick on the blunt and everyone affectionately teases her for it. Really likes glassware (has a collection), always tells Morgan to be extra careful with it because he’ll “break it with your big strong hands.” Puts ice in the bong so no one coughs (Emily still does, but only a little). Checks in with everyone every half hour and asks them if they need anything and if they’re doing okay. If anyone looks freaked out, she sits next to them and holds their hand or hugs them until they feel better. Breath mint queen. 

Rossi - doesn’t smoke, but somehow knows everything there is to know about different strains of weed. The rest of the team tries to buy/find strains that he’s never heard of. To date, he has still heard of and knows about every one they’ve brought to him. He says it’s fun to know them all, like wine tasting. It’s pretty useful, actually. He’s always spot-on with his predictions about each strain’s effects. Will always make the stoned team homemade pasta if they ask. 

Elle - smokes and could easily out-smoke everyone in the BAU. One of those people who’s alarmingly functional when they’re blazed. Like she could pass a sobriety test and give a lecture. Very proud of her “joint-arette” invention which is just a joint rolled around a cigarette. The most efficient roller you’ve ever encountered. They might not be gorgeous, but they’re more than functional and she can crank them out like a factory. Favorite way to smoke is via blunt (not a team favorite, bc Emily. but it’s ok cause Elle will have one all for herself.) Has literally never coughed while smoking ever.  

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Emily: I think I'm in love with JJ.

Hotch: Congratulations, you're officially the last one to know.

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criminal minds headcanons

derek

-is a player bc it helps him move on from what happened when he was a kid but if someone even HESIATES he immediately stops

-goes to defense classes with garcia so she’s not embarrassed

-the headphones he always wears? classical music all day long bitches

-sends part of his paycheck to ellie spicer’s mom (she doesn’t know but he’s happy to do it)

-fiercely protective of hotch bc he’ll be damned if he lets jack grow up with a father (or if he loses a dad again but we don’t talk abt it)

-he takes a personal day on the day matt spicer died to spend the day with ellie (who’s hanks favorite cousin)

-after emily’s “death” he gets a tattoo of a crown on his ribs (bc he called her princess)

-goes to a different team members house monthly to fix something wrong with their house

-after he retires he teaches self defense class

-makes weekly bets with emily on who can get in more trouble with hotch for the week

hotch

-a god at mario kart

-goes to a widow support group right after hayley died (dave told him it still counted and that it would help)(dave was right)

-he has garcia makes jack’s bday cake every year bc jack wants a homemade one but he cant bake for shit

-he tries harder not to be self sacrificial bc emily pointed out if he wants reid to stop doing it he has to first (he asked what’s gonna get her to stop and he got slapped upside the head)

-jack goes to a white lies party when he’s in high school and his shirt says “i have a good relationship with my mother” that leads hotch to go on an hour lecture and threaten a therapist and emily slides him a 20 for making him go on his longest lecture yet (sorry if this is offensive my friend made a shirt like this for a party she went to and ik people use humor to cope and everyone is different!)

-has to take away the aux cord after emily kicks derek in the balls for pausing her taylor swift

-is the teams emergency contact

-only has social media to stalk jack and the team (little does he know that they all have spams he doesn’t follow)

reid

-has the messiest handwriting in the world

-often cant sleep because he feels his mind is too active and has trouble slowing it down

-tried to destroy emily’s headstone bc she said she wanted to be cremated but only broke his toe bc stone is hard

-sleeps with a night light

-lactose intolerant but is obsessed w dairy

-cant pronounce shit because he reads most of the words he learns so he always mispronounces stuff

-worst gift wrapper in the world

emily

-she goes to a pro-choice protest every year

-gets yelled at weekly by hotch for eating raw cookie dough

-she becomes a foster parent after she retires

-the most talented artist on the team if they don’t have a sketch artist available and are in a rush, emily’s there to save the day

-emily loses at least $10 every case to the “i fucking hate men” tip jar

-has a tattoo of wheels up in cursive

-on nye the team is on agreement that after her 3rd glass of champagne they all secretly switch her to kids champagne

-every time she has to flirt with an unsub she makes the boys buy her a round of drinks

-somehow is never the designated driver on team night out

-has the splits and will randomly do it in the office

jj

-she drags spencer to a women’s march in dc multiple times over the years (AS FRIENDS)

-multiple times shes turned in a report to hotch and its henry’s drawings

-when she and will are fighting she mocks his accent

-blasts taylor swift all day long

-had a meltdown when she was pregnant with henry when she thought he was going to be a virgo man

-goes on runs with derek weekly

-accidently confused hotch’s number one dad mug with her number one mom mug and she never lived it down

-always called in to settle an argument between the “kids” of the office

-makes a killer margaritia 

garcia

-she has plants named after everyone who’s ever been on the bau team

-she stress knits (everyone on the team has at least 3 blankets from her and they’re the softest shit in the world (besides the bau team))

-takes sergio whenever emily is on overnight cases (it’s part of their custody agreement)

-decorates everyone’s office on their birthdays

-has gotten everyone in the bau into astrology

-she’s the person who started the party in the usa scene from pitch perfect reenactment

-has no social media whatsoever

-secretly puts fake plants in hotch’s office to liven up the place (its not a secret but hotch likes it)

-makes the best christmas cookies

rossi

-is tiktok famous for reading karen tweets in a monotone voice

-after particularly hard cases members of the team will go to his house to play with Mudgie

-his name in emily’s phone is papa pasta

-made the team get a life360 circle and stalks them religiously

-actually has to take cooking lessons for anything other than italian

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The BAU being a found family headcanons

Hotch helped JJ learn how to dance for her wedding (after all, he’d already gone through the whole ‘how do I not step on my partner’s feet’ at his own wedding) and they spent hours between cases and during days off slowly going over the steps of both a classic slow dance and a waltz — just in case Will tries to get fancy

Emily routinely collects all the bau kids (Henry and Jack are best friends because duh) and takes them on picnics to give JJ and Hotch a break for the day. At least once each outing, one of the little boys does something to nearly get physically maimed and Emily wonders why none of her friends could have had children who liked to play with dolls instead of climbing — and almost falling out of — trees.

Spencer needs something to do with his hands when he gets anxious and the girls find out quickly that doing hair is a good distraction for an overwhelmed and jittery Spencer. They spend a lot of time sitting in a line, usually on the jet or in hotel rooms, braiding each other’s hair in silence to give Spencer some time to calm down

Garcia and Spencer (who doesn’t know how he got roped into doing this) occasionally cheer up the team after a tough case by singing off key to Disney songs that Spencer always seems to mess up the lyrics to and Emily joins in without fail when they start singing “Kiss the Girl”, making it her life’s mission to make JJ blush as much as physically possible

Derek has the coffee orders of every single one of his teammates’ memorized and has probably spent a fortune on coffee throughout the years, knowing it’ll be better for the entire team if they don’t have a caffeine deprived Spencer and Emily on their hands (it helps that getting coffee gives him an excuse to leave the police station every once and a while and get fresh air)

Emily somehow manages to always forget her shampoo at home and absolutely loathes the smell of all hotel soaps (which you would think would make her want to remember to bring her own but nooooo). She has to borrow some from her teammates every time and comes back from trips smelling like Rossi’s Old Spice or JJ’s vanilla hair wash — although JJ eventually buys the brand of shampoo Emily uses and keeps it in her own to-go bag

Spencer bruises easily (because we all know he has at least 7 different vitamin deficiencies) and the team constantly fusses over the amount of bruises he always has. It takes them over a year to realize that half the bruises are from the team patting him on the back or punching his shoulder lightly (Hotch feels guilty for months after he squeezes Spencer’s shoulder a little too tightly and a hand-shaped bruise forms in the exact spot a day later)

Rossi’s packs extra food in his lunch when they’re just going into the office and not on a case. So much food that he coincidently has enough to share with both Emily and Spencer who only ever seem to consume coffee, stale chips, and the occasional applesauce pouch that are supposed to be for children

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Emily: Love is weakness. It’s an evolutionary mistake

Morgan: You’re literally making a valentine's day card for JJ right now

Emily, pointing a glue gun at him: You’re on thin fucking ice, Derek

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*everyone is standing around the broken coffee maker*

Hotch: So. Who broke it? I'm not mad, I just wanna know.

Everyone: ...

JJ: ... I did. I broke it.

Hotch: No. No you didn't. Morgan?

Morgan: Don't look at me. Look at Emily.

Emily: What?! I didn't break it.

Morgan: Huh, that's weird. How'd you even know it was broken?

Emily: Because it's sitting right in front of us and it's broken.

Morgan: Suspicious.

Emily: No, it's not!

Spencer: If it matters, probably not, but Garcia was the last one to use it.

Garcia: Liar! I don't even drink that crap!

Spencer: Oh really? Then what were you doing by the coffee cart earlier?

Garcia: I use the wooden stirrers to push back my cuticles. Everyone knows that, Reid!

JJ: Okay let's not fight. I broke it. Let me pay for it, Hotch.

Hotch: No, who broke it!

Everyone:...

Spencer: Hotch... Morgan's been awfully quiet.

Morgan: rEALLY?

*everyone starts arguing*

Hotch, being interviewed: I broke it. I burned my hand so I punched it.

Hotch: I predict 10 minutes from now they'll be at each other's throats with war paint on their faces and a pig head on a stick.

Hotch: ...

Hotch: Good, it was getting a little chummy around here.

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Jennifer Jareau in 3x01 Doubt

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You all asked for it so here’s part 3 (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧ The snake juice one is coming pls bear with me 

Part 1

Part 2 Unfinished bonuses bc this post was freaking cursed and I’m too tired to complete these:

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Emily Prentiss and Spencer Reid in 2x18 “Jones”

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Prentiss: JJ and I are getting-

Garcia: MARRIED?!?

JJ: How did you know?

Garcia: Sit. I’ve been planning for years

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Emily: FUCK the government

Hotch: *sigh* we ARE the government, Prentiss

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some of my favourite emily prentiss outfits