gooseoftheapocalypse

[gooseoftheapocalypse]

The unthinkable has happened.

The local hunters witnessed a werewolf biting wolf packs in the forest, and the village folk are fearing for their lives.

Under a night of the full moon, your shepherd dog barks and suddenly runs off into the trees.

Against your better judgement, you pick up your rifle and go to get them back. You know that it could very well be the last night for both of you.

And when you find your dog... you can't believe your eyes.

A group of naked people are huddling around them, petting them and cooing affection.

[gooseoftheapocalypse]

"Roleplay? Why are you wasting your life imagining fictional characters all the time?"

Excuse me, but are you saying you prefer a degenerate? Would you rather have me ignore your boundaries and social norms to be happy??

No? Then get the fuck out of my wonderland.

[gooseoftheapocalypse]

My workplace has disposable utensils in the lunch room. However, everyone has already used all the forks and spoons, so there's just a bunch of wooden knifes cluttering the drawer.

I have been using a pair of wooden knives like chopsticks for weeks now, and it works better than everything I've used before.

My ancestors and peers glare at me like I'm some eldritch horror.

[gooseoftheapocalypse]

With enough time, even tombstones are swallowed by the earth.

What if sinkholes happen because ancient buildings - castles, shops, and homes - had sunk so far down, they finally collapsed from all the earth above them?

It's already a hole no one wants; who would dig deeper to find out for sure?

[gooseoftheapocalypse]

"Why are you eating cereal out of a shot glass?"

I want to feel like a child pretending to be an adult, leave me be.

[gooseoftheapocalypse]

When you think of sails on a ship, you think of big cloth nets to catch the wind, right?

Look at the photo. Those are not sails. Those are WINGS. Like on an airplane! Therefore it is not a sailing vessel; it is a WINGED vessel.

Why put wings on a ship? Oh, cause Oceanbird got results saying it cut fuel emissions by 90%.

90%.

Whoever made this headline needs to be fired. It makes me SO GODDAMN ANGRY.

Something like "Oceanbird makes Winged Ship for Hyper Fuel Efficiency" would actually have been ACCURATE.

But no. You had to make Oceanbird a laughing stock on the internet.

[gooseoftheapocalypse]

What if there are time travelers, but all they ever do is publish or post someone else's idea before they did? Imagine the internet being that petty.

I mean, it is.

[gooseoftheapocalypse]

Sometimes, you want to scream. Just scream.

But only times you can scream without people asking if you're okay are when you're skydiving, or doing some other death-defying stunt.

What I'm trying to say is that I don't go to theme parks for the rides.

I go to let my inner idiot out.

[gooseoftheapocalypse]

I'm a grudger:

If you're nice to me, I'm nice back.

If you're an asshole, I'm will make you feel like shit.

Oh, my feelings! They could have been hurt if yours were worth anything.

What's the matter, parasite? Haven't leeched enough happiness today?

Why don't you go do stuff that would make others think you're a good person?

[gooseoftheapocalypse]

"The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows."

Well, I am the sunshine and rainbows,

AND YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO DEAL WITH ME BEING HERE.

Have a god darn cookie.

[gooseoftheapocalypse]

Are you doing things because you want to be normal? Or because you want to avoid disappointment?

Is it still normal to have a mortgage?

Is it normal to be out of the nest at 18?

Is it normal to get a job because of a degree you got?

Where the fuck did this shit even start.

[gooseoftheapocalypse]

People are wrong. You should play god.

Hello, inner demons. You only exist because I've allowed it.

And I've created you a personal hell to rot in.

[gooseoftheapocalypse]

Does anyone else get those weird flashes of white when they try to sleep?

The lights are out, I've blocked out the windows, and my PC and phone are off. Am I hallucinating?

I'M TIRED. STOP FLASHBANGING ME, BRAIN!!

[gooseoftheapocalypse]

Swings my scythe around

"Ugh, so unrealistic. You know how impractical that is, right??"

Unhinges my scythe

"Oh--"

Unhinges your neck, "GET OFF THE TRILLIUMS ASSHOLE"

[gooseoftheapocalypse]

Sometimes I wonder if people have different pain tolerances in general, or if it's completely relative to how close the pain is to your face.

One day, I stubbed my toe, got my ankle rammed by a grocery cart, and fell on my ass on the iced sidewalk. I cussed, got up, and moved along.

Another day, I got a rotten wisdom tooth. All I could do was hunch over the bathroom sink, and stare into the mirror as the white noise consumed my brain. Lived on Tylenol and Advil.

[gooseoftheapocalypse]

You wake up with a hangover, hearing muffled chatter coming from somewhere. You look around, seeing satin drapes, silk cushions and curved walls.

Across from you, there's a pair of legs just sittin' there. Some long wispy thing is coming out from where the torso is, and goes into a weird hole near the ceiling.

[gooseoftheapocalypse]

Was waiting on a coffee when an old man approached a guy wearing a pink shirt. He complained that he shouldn't be wearing "girly colours".

This dude turned to look at the geezer, and said, "If you're afraid of wearing pink, then you're a fucking coward. You're WEAK." Then he turned back.

The old man looked like he'd been stabbed.