handreitten

[handreitten]

praise report.

11 july 2023 | 00:19

19 hours back here at home and i am in absolute awe. got off the bus and i walked to our house, and all i can think of is every cry and every pain point, because this past week, my heart was breaking again for my family and their salvation (after three years of losing it).

in this season of expansion, i picture being in a valley with Abba where there is a lot of uncertainty, decision-making, and next-step questioning. when i got home from europe and even when i was there (which i really prefer to tell about in person along with many other stories kaya i wont go into much detail with it in writing hehe), there was just one struggle after another. one stumbling block after another. one wall after another. my boards. my condo. my days leading to graduation. future plans. staying in qc. provision of and from family. my healing. just a list of things to figure out, to wrestle with Abba.

throughout the past week, all i wanted were answers, kasi sa totoo lang ang hirap gumalaw. i wasn't just unrested from everything that happened, i was also beginning to transition. and during the prayer and fasting, He was bringing to life forgotton prayers and buried hopes, which eventually entailed overwhelming weight. one of them was my family.

iba rin strategy ni Abba. every thing i was wrestling with in this time of transition was connected to my family. i don't think it was also an accident that for each of the prayer meetings, i was being led back to having the heart to hope again for my family's salvation. there wasn't a day the past week that i did not cry in frustration and confusion while holding Abba's hand—i felt like a child more than anything.

so when i got home and i was facing our gate, the anxiety crept in again, and i was holding back tears. and then today, God did something different.

in the past week, i was trying to see how God was moving through it all. syempre i was desperate to get some answers because i knew i needed to move because i was already freezing, kasi now i am being led back to my family and dealing things with them (including hard conversations and being upfront). i had problems and i was fixated at Abba giving me the solutions.

and how He moved today was this—

He was changing my heart. i've been learning all sorts of things recently:

that i cannot trust Abba and be in control at the same time.

that i can take captive of my thoughts in obedience to Abba.

that i can only control my response.

that i can trust Abba for His character.

that there is grace in waiting.

that i can only know and do so much.

in all honesty and heart, this is my breakthrough—Him activating my sole prayer for a change of heart. i know for sure that i am not the best family member to my family members. there was a lot of trauma, and i am now getting the healing i have always needed. pero i always had the anxiety lang na when i go back to my family, all the healing would be undone.

today i remembered isaiah 43:13. that my healing is His promise and His promise is sealed forever. that my healing is His work and nothing can undo what He has done. and to add to that, there was just overflowing grace to be patient, kind, and loving towards my family. even when they haven't changed. even when the household salvation is still going to come to pass.

there were countless opportunities today to see them the way they (still) are but my eyes saw them differently. it was more than just Abba teaching me that i cannot change them. it was Abba telling me 'anak, even when nothing changes and you will continue to see them as they are and you are still healing, you can love them and move forward because I have loved you. and you are so full of My love.' :') i need only Him.

He was letting my eyes see the way He sees them. when He revived my heart for my family and our salvation, He was also promising to change my heart accordingly. and it is healing. more than that, i am being set free. :')

He was meeting me right where i needed to be met, even when it meant that my questions are not yet fully answers and my problems are not yet fully solved. it was not a matter of consequence. it was a matter of heart.

and He was activating that prayer. and i am being set free :') from the pressure of latin honors with my family (because when they mentioned it today, it was not aching as much), from them trusting me with my decisions, from just the worries i have about loving them as i heal.

but even so, should He destroy my plans as He sees fit, should He redirect my desires, and should He not tell me exactly what the next step is, i can fix my eyes on Him, trust Him, and need not know all. in the cave. in the valley. in the oceans. in the mountains. :')

coming back home and serving my family has never felt this good, wow, huhu. here's to more! :')