heheiamnotevenhere

[heheiamnotevenhere]

I wish to turn back the clock, I leave too much for tomorrow, the possibility of an ending never crossed my mind mortal brain really. I wish to redo, undo and rewind. I wishfully delude myself into a hope for tomorrow but the buried reality echoes again, “ there is no tomorrow, it’s gone, no one returns from the dead”.

[heheiamnotevenhere]

A jovial evening frozen,

My mother quivers as she wishes me home,

Frozen, my perception of time,

As I sit in the cab, waiting to arrive home.

Frozen the weather and the faces of my dearest,

As the agony of not being home burns my soul.

Hot, the tears that flow through my eyes,

Warm, the hands that hold these frozen fists of mine.

Frozen at sight, for the light of my life lay lifeless on the ground,

But I slip to those left behind.

Frozen the body that once emitted warm light,

Closed those eyes that once shone like cappuccino in broad daylight.

Empty my hands as they take you away,

Serene your face as you sleep away.

[heheiamnotevenhere]

If i leave, right now, at this moment Will the flame die with me? Or will it rekindle within you? Will the castle crumble to dust? Or would we be reborn from the ashes? If I severe this tie right here Will the strings bruise you too Or will i pine in agony all alone? If i undo this bond right now Will you hold the loose end and redo it Or leave it there forever, indifferent? If I let you down slowly Will you accept the love we harbour Or still deem it unworthy of sail? Will we board the ship together Or will i stay forever still? If i leave you, right now, at this moment Will it mark the end of my elegies? And the beginning of amourous verses?

~ Ananya♡

[heheiamnotevenhere]

Impermanence is the undeniable truth, I have learnt that flowers die, people leave, time passes, friendships end, lovers part and life ends.

But I have realised that walking down this street with you, talking about nonsensical things, sharing these longing glances filled with the emotions we ourselves are yet strangers to, under the crescent moon beams, on these busy roads, while holding your hand and clinging to your body supplies infinte joy to my forlorn soul, everything is at peace, at rest just like home, but then we bid goodbye and it all comes to a hault.

Though in theory it ends their but something is left behind, what lingers, is the warmth you left, which goes on and becomes an imprint on my body and soul which makes it crave for more of you, the comfort, the warmth, the love? I want to keep you all to myself, but practically I have none of you, but I also do have most of you, we are in a beautiful mess, aren't we?

And endlessly pondering on this takes me back to the fact which I am fully aware of, the impermanence of "us", the impossibility of "us", and the imperfectness of "us", all of which is true, but i also believe in the magic of "us", the beauty of "us" and the potential of "us". So ending my train of thoughts, I concluded that blooming in this orchard of life alongside you for a while until we wither is something to not miss out on, so i will stay here, close, for as long as time permits and you choose this, and you choose me<3

[heheiamnotevenhere]

I made you my temple, my mural, my sky Now I'm begging for footnotes in the story of your life.

- Taylor Swift (tolerate it)

[heheiamnotevenhere]

Moving out is excruciating it is gut-wrenching and anxiety inducing I feel wide awake while im half asleep awful thoughts haunt me leaving the comforting embrace and walking away feels agonizing "you have to leave in order to grow" and so I'll leave but the ache will stay the heart will be sore each muscle in my body will throb the longing for homely comfort will linger as I will plaster a smile to wave my loved ones a bitter-sweet goodbye "until next time"

- Ananya

[heheiamnotevenhere]

I hide from myself Indulging in trivial things no the likes don't matter but I divert to those things I comfort myself with falsity relying more on fantasy the real world scares me racing, crashing and hurting all creepily haunt me this bubble I built is protective But the hide won't last long as reality seeks my soul but I still hide from myself everyday and moment waiting to be found - Ananya

[heheiamnotevenhere]

When I look in the mirror I see an ugly imposter horrid hair and features a pretentious monster heavens cannot fix the look its simply unlovable eyes cry for admiration as no one adores this creation wish I was like them with face that radiates light and eyes that mortify pride but I am nothing impressive just an ugly imposter

[heheiamnotevenhere]

“When you’re depressed, you grasp on to anything that can get you through the day. That’s what depression is, not sadness or tears. It’s the overwhelming sense of numbness and the desire for anything that can help you make it from one day to the next.”

— Unknown

[heheiamnotevenhere]

Are butterflies you feel really love?

Sometimes when I am all alone I wonder and I am taken aback to the thought that has never stopped haunting me "Was it really love?".

Was it really love when I saw you in that white scarf with your hair messy from the wind, the wind that touched us both but left you looking like a piece of art, was it really love when you defended me and took a seat next to me ignoring them all, was it really love when you said I looked pretty and no one compared, was it love or just indifference when you walked past me in the corridors not even glancing at me for once. You said it was "love" and I believed, I kept believing you and all those pretty lies that you spewed, I trusted it all. That time you said you loved me and I felt alive but I returned to the grave as the next day you said it was a mistake, "a mistake".

So now I still sit and wonder, though its all over and I have grown numb and out of feelings.

Was it love?

or Was I in love?

[heheiamnotevenhere]

I don't want to fall again, but resisting this feels impossible, every thought, every word, every visual just carries me back to YOU. I know we can never be something, I acknowledge this reality everyday, but I fail and this failure leads back to the thought of you. I am unknown to feelings of love hence i am incapable of distinguishing , if what i feel at this moment is love or not. While I am unsure of my feelings I am certain about yours cause i know for sure you feel nothing.The thought of me never crosses your mind and I never board the train of your thoughts, all your actions are acts of kindness and courteousy which protects you from hurting someone. Hence I want to stop myself from romantising you and everything that makes you this person I adore, I want to look at your eyes and not feel captivated, I want to stare at you and not feel speechless everytime you smile, I want to run away from your magnetic field, but Dear God, how incapable I have become of all this. So as my last resort, I'll bury these thoughts after I pen it down cause reality can't be turned as I cannot change minds but in my mind you are forever mine and I am the reason you smile.

[heheiamnotevenhere]

The time ticks while I contemplate over how blind I am every speech of optimism makes my skin crawl self hatred goes all time high everything is my fault to contemplate and contemplation is my only destiny - Ananya

[heheiamnotevenhere]

These evenings in this silent dark room this lonliness engulfing my body and soul its tragically comforting and weirdy beautiful I break into tears and spiral about my failures as this darkness takes over and creates a haze so I cannot see I am in an actual maze the head feels heavy and the heart does too I lose myself and the sense of existence too keeping the lights off till the night falls refusing to acknowlegde all that is falling apart I seek an escape in this room this comfort in hiding from oneself swallows me as I wonder will i ever step out or forever stay? engulfed with these feelings dark and despaired                -Ananya

[heheiamnotevenhere]

The sky is pouring and my mind takes this cue now everything seems boring monotone and blue reading, writing, scrolling nothing enough to glue my mind wanders strolling to a place utopian and new

~Ananya

[heheiamnotevenhere]

With hope I spend my days In hope I pine in vain

-Ananya

[heheiamnotevenhere]

I try okay? I am always trying, cause people are hard to please while avoiding being a people pleaser, friendships are hard to win while hiding behind as the loser, Understanding someone is complex while all your emotions lie bundled up in complexity, Empathising with someone is difficult cause pondering upon my own feelings results in shortness of breathe, Being a friend is hard while trying to befriend the person in the mirror without criticising every aspect of her, but I am trying okay? I try but no luck. -Ananya

[heheiamnotevenhere]

Vivid verbs to use instead

Instead of say:

Ask, enquire, reply, answer, state, hiss, whisper, mumble, mutter, comment, bark, assert, shout, yell, holler, roar, rage, argue, implore, plead, exclaim, gasp, drawl, giggle, whimper, snort, growl, scream, sing, stammer

Instead of run:

Sprint, dart, bolt, canter, gallop, trot, zoom, hurry, speed, jog, saunter, scamper, hurtle, rush, scramble, spring, swing, swoop, dive, careen

Instead of walk:

Stroll, hike, promenade, saunter, march, amble, stride, tread, pace, toddle, totter, stagger, perambulate

Instead of look:

Observe, glance, stare, examine, peek, study, notice, see, glare

Instead of go:

Leave, depart, shift, take off, move on, quit, exit, take a hike, travel, drive, proceed, progress, run, walk away

Instead of eat:

Pick at, nibble, munch, chew, gobble, devour, consume, demolish, gulp, swallow, scarf, wolf

Instead of hold:

Grip, clench, grasp, seize, reach, embrace, clamp, clench, clasp, grab

Instead of give:

Provide, offer, present, hand over, deliver, contribute, furnish, donate, bequeath, pass over, pass to, extend, assign, allow, lend, bestow, grant, award, confer

Instead of let:

Allow, permit, authorise, agree to, consent to, accede to, give permission for

Instead of put:

Place, set, lay, position, settle, leave, situate, locate, plant, deposit, plonk, plunk

Instead of pull:

Yank, heave, haul, draw, cart, lug, hump, drag, tow, jerk, attract, pluck, wrench

Instead of move:

Progress, transfer, shift, topple, change, redeploy, refocus, relocate, prod, nudge, induce, cause, budge, stir, lead, encourage, propose, induce, slink, scamper, careen, zip, ram, drift, droop, heave, edge, stalk, tiptoe, creep, crawl, plod, waddle, drag, stagger

Sensory verbs / quiet:

Sigh, murmur, rustle, hum, patter, clink, tinkle, chime, whir, swish, snap, twitter, hiss, crackle, peep, bleat, buzz

Sensory verbs / noisy:

Crash, thunder, clap, stomp, beat, squawk, shout, yell, explode, smash, detonate, boom, echo, bark, bawl, clash, smash, jangle, thump, grate, screech, bang, thud, blare

Instead of tell:

Order, command, instruct, dictate, require, insist, warn, caution, decree, mandate, charge, direct, dominate, lead, rule

Instead of like:

Love, adore, yearn, treasure, worship, prefer, idolise, cherish, admire, enjoy, be fond of, be keen on, be partial to, fancy, care for, appreciate, hold dear

Instead of want:

Desire, crave, covet, yearn for, aspire to, envy, fancy, require, wish for, hanker after, need, lack, miss, aim for, choose

Instead of cover:

Bury, wrap, conceal, mask, veil, hide, cloak, shroud envelope, obscure, blanket, curtain

Instead of throw:

Toss, lob, chuck, heave, fling, pitch, shy, hurl, propel, bowl, cast, drop, project

Instead of surprise:

Confuse, puzzle, bewilder, baffle, bamboozle, disconcert, flummox, perplex