hell-is-a-place-on-earth-au

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[Zalgo is picking the girls up from their babysitters - the Goggle Squad. He's picked up Lazari, and is cradling her in his arms]

Zalgo: Usually it’s their babysitters that end up this tuckered out. Never seen it happen the other way around. That must’ve been quite a feat. [Laughs] You guys should babysit the girls all the time.

Doby: Huh?

Zalgo: Anyway, I better get these two home. See ya, boys.

Lazari: No… No, no, no, no, no.

Zalgo, cooing: yes-!

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Jason, playing KISS in his workshop: you kids don't know what good music is.

Eloise: Yes we do!

Lazari: Daddy said, "it's anything that Papa Jason doesn't like".

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Fake text between Jalgo. Also, Jason uses an android, BC I say so

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He's rotting my brain (affectionate)

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Haha, Jason go brr. He actually came out really nice, ngl.

He's, like, a dilf or something.

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He's a material gworl.

Sometimes, you just gotta draw the demon of chaos as a human. And that's okay.

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Zalgo: That looks great, El!

Eloise: Mm, I can't draw tickling very perfect.

Lazari: Yeah, it looks more like he's throwing you.

Eloise: Ooh, I can draw throwing!

Lazari: Ooh, you can draw No Ticket!

[FLASHBACK

ZALGO READING A STORYBOOK]

Zalgo: And he built his house out of straw. Hm, bad move, pig.

Jason: Ticket.

Lazari: Oh, yes. Here you go.

Jason: P-chuck. Ticket.

Zalgo: Oh, yes, of course. Oh, what did I do with it? It's here somewhere.

Jason: Ticket!

Zalgo: Oh, here it is!

Jason: P-chuck. Quicker next time.

Jason: Ticket.

Eloise: Oh, uh, I don't have one.

ELOISE SHRIEKS

JASON GRUNTS

LAZARI AND ELOISE GIGGLE

Jason: No ticket.

[END FLASHBACK]

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Zalgo is the kinda parent that would drop his kids off to school late after an appointment with a happy meal.

Also, he gets Starbucks regularly, and carries Beelzebub (chihuahua) around in a purse.

He's a material girl.

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Eloise: But why do we have to sleep? Why can't we just stay awake all night?

Zalgo: 'cause That's the way the world is.

Eloise: Well, I'm going to make it so that's not how the world is.

Zalgo: That might be tricky ~ People like to sleep!~

Eloise: Well I'll take everyone's bed to the dump!

Zalgo: Eh.. They'll probably just sleep on the couch.

Eloise: Well I'll take the couches to the dump too!

Zalgo: Woah.. Sounds like a big job. You need a full-night sleep for that.

Eloise: Yeah, I will. Night!

[Eloise begins to go to bed. Then, she realises what just happened]

Eloise: Hey, wait! NO!

[Jason groans]

Jason: Come on. I'll read you a story.

Zalgo: You know she can't help it.

[From exhaustion, Jason rubs his eyes]

Jason: I know... Can you help me?

Zalgo: oh yeah, I've got an idea!

Jason: Wait, is it a bad idea ?

Zalgo, puppeteers a unicorn puppet: Budge up, budge up! Watch the horn ! What are we reading?~

Jason: Well it's a story-

Puppet interrupting Jason: YAWN ! Here, read this! it's got a unicorn in it.

Jason: I'm not reading that.

Puppet: Fine. I'll read it.

[Zalgo opens the book with one hand and has the puppet read it]

Puppet: "Onc up on a tim.." ah I wish I could read!

[Eloise giggles]

Jason: Corny. Eloise is finding it a little hard to get to sleep, So we're actually trying to calm things down a bit.

Corny the puppet: Well it's gonna be hard with Me around!

Corny: I ain't goin' Nowhere, Toots!

[Eloise giggles again while Jason starts to get angry]

Jason: My Name. is Jason!

Corny: Ahaahh, I'm sorry, Vason!

Jason: Jason!

Corny: Mason, Yeah that's what I said!

Jason: OUT!

Eloise: Oh papa, Please, can Corny stay?

Jason: Eloise, he's the most annoying unicorn in the world.

Corny, apprearing behind the couch: Guilty!

Eloise: But I can turn him into a nice unicorse. I promise I can. Right, Corny?

Corny: Nah!

Eloise: Don't listen to him. Please, can he stay?

Jason: Fine... But we're reading this book, Not yours.

Corny, whispering in frustration: You'll live to regret that!

[Jason groans]

Jason: Eloise?

Eloise: Oh, I know! Corny? What's you favourite food?

[Corny gets cery close to Eloise's face]

Corny, whispering: Children....

Eloise: Oh...?

Corny: Just kidding. I like chicken bucket.

Eloise: Oh, great ! Look, here's some Chicken bucket.

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An episode where Tim shows up as a special guest star, and Lazari spends the entire time interrogating him.

She asks Tim to follow her, and he does. He doesn't expect to be knocked out by a massive hammer that she can pick up surprisingly easily.

When he wakes up, the room is dark. He can only see a little plastic table before himself. He can't move his hands or his legs. He is trapped!

Then it zooms out to reveal Lazari's very girly bedroom, where Tim is tied up to a little girl chair with skipping ropes and Lazari is pressing a hairbrush to his neck.

"Tell us what you know, punk!"

"What do you mean?"

"The DiCaprio Diamond, you no good hoodlum!" She practically growls at him. "It was stolen from Princess Consuela Kitty-Litter's collar last night!"

To emphasise her point, she brings the demonic-looking stuffed cat to the table and sets it down. On its collar is a pattern that is missing a diamond, or a fake one, in the middle.

"I wasn't here yesterday!"

Lazari looks into the shadows, like a noir detective. "The perfect alibi..."

"No, it is a very regular explanation."

She then turns to him and says "I don't like your tone..."

At that, Tim prepares to be yeeted into a basketball hoop by God as he knows he isnt headed to heaven.

She gets ready to perform an FBI interrogation technique that she once saw, and rubs her hands in malice. She is going to enjoy this...

Then comes Will, who groans and says "what did we tell you about watching police and FBI procedurals, Laz?"

"To not copy anything I saw in them..."

She shuffles her feet awkwardly and unties Tim. While still suspicious of him, she no longer holds him hostage in her bedroom - the bathroom usually makes for an easier clean, anyway.

I love it when Lazari is evil. Oh and I love her giant hammer just BONK

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An episode of "Hell Is A Place On Earth" that serves as a parody of The Wizard of Oz. Eloise is Dorothy, Will is the Tinman, Dorothy the neighbour's husband is the Scarecrow, Lazari is the lion, and Beelzebub is Toto. Also, Dorothy (the rival parent) is the wicked witch. Zalgo is Glinda, and Jason is the wizard of Oz. It is essentially just the Wizard of Oz, only with the characters swapped.

Neighbour wants a brain. Will wants a heart so he can simp for this really cute himbo. Lazari wants to be brave enough to eat the sun. Eloise and Beelzebub just want to go home.

Will wanting a heart for his himbo bf...I love that. ALSO GLINDA ZALGO IS SO FUNNY MF COMES DOWN IN A BUBBLE HDKSKDHE

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An episode where Will and his Himbo boyfriend are babysitting the girls, and it is just chaos. Lazari somehow gets possessed by a ghost and t-poses around the house, Beelzebub ends up stuck in a tree with a tiny lampshade on his head, and the Antichrist duck is levitating upside down.

It then cuts to Jason and Zalgo having a lovely romantic dinner together. They clink their wine glasses together and smile.

Then we see Will and Himbo boyfriend tied up by Liquorice's rat army. She uses a piece of spaghetti as a stick. The rats try to use a crayon to set them on fire.

Eloise is just in her bed, talking to her friend through a pair of walkie talkies. Doby is somehow stuck in the pantry and cannot escape. EJ has been locked in the basement by Mister Glutton.

Jason and Zalgo decide to go for a carriage ride through the park - very romantic - and laugh at cheesy little jokes.

Will tries to perform an exorcism. The rats have his himbo boyfriend roasting over a fire, rotating like a pig.

Then Will gets the "we'll be back in ten minutes" text, which leads to everyone trying to clean up and dispose of the mess. The girls manage to throw out the burning crayons and head to bed, the ghost leaves, the duck is back to normal, Beelzebub is back on the couch, and Doby is still stuck in the pantry.

Will and his Himbo boyfriend are cuddled up on the sofa, pretending to be asleep.

Zalgo chuckles and lets Doby out of the pantry. Doby runs to the bathroom as quickly as he can. Jason picks up Mr Glutton and Licorice, and puts them to bed.

"Should we let them know that Licorice told you about the fire, babe?"

"Let's let them have tonight..."

Jason pulls a blanket over them and removes Will's mask.

"We can always tell them off in the morning."

HELPPP THIS IS SO FUNNY. THE UTTER CHAOS COMPARED TO JASON AND ZALGO JUST CHILLING OUT. I LOVE THIS. Their asses are gonna get got in the morning. amazing i love this show

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An episode about a neighbourhood barbecue, and Will gets a warm welcome to the neighbourhood. The girls drag him onto the bouncy castle with them. The antichrist duck allows him to pet them. Beelzebub accepts belly rubs from him. Everything is fun, until Dorothy arrives with her family.

Her daughter runs to play with Eloise, and her child of an indeterminate gender follows Lazari arund like a shadow. The golden retriever sits at her heel and follows her like a hawk.

Then her skater boy brother gets sight of Will, and Lionel Ritchie's "Hello" plays every time he sees him. He absolutely simps. Will just thinks he's being friendly.

This himbo follows Will about, and professes his love. Will is just like "what a kind dude". This becomes a running joke for the series.

The skater boy brother does the boombox over the head thing, and Will goes "banging choons, mate!"

He rides on a lawnmower in hopes of grabbing Will's attention and accidentally ruins Dorothy's marigolds (that she claims are petunias).

Finally, Will somehow winds up upside down, and the skater boy brother (idk, maybe Arthur?) Decides to try the spiderman kiss. Will winds up a blushing mess, and Dorothy has to be hit with the reality of her brother being unhetero.

When Zalgo sees her tantrum, he chuckles and says "looks like the hetero is upsetero". His friend Barbara bursts out laughing at that.

Still, Dorothy's brother is walking home and punches the air like in the Breakfast Club.

WILL HAVING A HIMBO BOYFRIEND ISN'T WHAT I EXPECTED TO SEE TODAY BUT I WILL GLADLY ACCEPT THIS INTO MY HEART. I love this thank you

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An episode of Hell is A Place On Earth where Will comes over and joins the cast.

Jason wakes up and goes down to the kitchen. Gives Zalgo a kiss on the cheek. High five with Eyeless. High five with Doby, who is watching cartoons and eating his toast. Lazari gets a pat on the head. Eloise gets a pat on the shoulder. Will also gets a pat on the head.

He then double takes and sees Will there, eating his fruit cereal.

"Babe, what's Will doing here?"

"Staying with us!"

"Will is so cool, Papa Jason! He's like the big brother we never had! Can we keep him, please?"

"Lazari, don't talk about him like he's a dog! Besides, we let you keep the duck."

"And Doby."

"Doby isn't a pet, Eloise."

"We still kept him."

The episode is then basically just trying to adjust to Will's presence.

Dorothy's skater boy brother simps for him.

Beelzebub claims him as his minion. He can finally get the good treats at the top shelf in the grocery store.

We then see Will added to the theme song. He is part of the family now. There is no escape.

WILL GROSSMAN SUPREMACY YEEAAHHH I LOVE THAT THEY HAVE A SON NOW <333 I also love that Jason high fives people. Beezlebub claiming Will as his minion is also the funniest shit i hope that continues

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An episode that shows us flashbacks of how Jason and Zalgo got the kids.

It is framed as them looking through a photo album, and the first photo is one of a very small Eloise holding Beelzebub with the words "first day home" written underneath.

One of Jason lying on the sofa with baby Lazari on his chest, with Beelzebub by his side. It turns out she had found it hard to sleep; she just wanted to cuddle with Jason. Jason did sing first, but that didn't do much, so they just cuddled up until she went to sleep. Unfortunately, Jason fell asleep first.

Another of the girls watching Zalgo read them a story; Jason took the picture. The book looks to be made of leather and it has a face. When we see the memory, he is speaking in a demon tongue and the girls are watching in awe. Jason just doesn't know what is being said.

A picture of Beelzebub, Jason, Natalie and the girls all dressed in matching outfits. Zalgo made them dress up nice so they could have a good photo.

Then we see a picture of them in front of their house for the first time, and we see a sort of montage of clips throughout the series that are heartwarming, before ending with a flash.

Jason smiles and puts the camera down.

"Now that's a keeper!"

WHAT THE FUCKKKKKKK THIS IS SO CUTE AUGH. I HATE HOW INVESTED I AM IN THIS FAKE TV SHOW GRRRR

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An episode of Hell Is A Place On Earth where it parodies various different tv shows, such as nature documentaries (with the antichrist duck), police procedurals (Beelzebub has been accused of trying to steal the declaration of Independence), Gordon Ramsay shows (with Lazari cooking), the news (Eloise says "a bunch of stuff happened today."), and kids shows like sesame street (with Mr. Glutton).

In the end, we see Eyeless flipping channels and saying "I hate basic cable..."

We then hear "Wheel... of... torture!" And he smiles, getting comfortable on the couch.

"My favourite!"

HELP LAZARI COOKING IS SO FUNNY ☠️ SCREAMING AT EVERYONE I LOVE IT. Also if wheel of torture isn't hosted by Zalgo and his scantily clad assistant Jason then I do not want it