iamanother

[iamanother]

The Journal of a Monster Who Hides Behind a Mask

I keep on writing you on my journal. The way you made me smile with your sweetest words, laugh in your silly jokes, and cry just by accompanying me through my journey. I love how you made me feel special no matter how hard it is for me to reveal the darkest parts of my past that I still carry.

With all of our happy moments that we continue creating, the heavy feeling through my chest keeps increasing its weight—wants to explode and ruin those moments that I have with you. I forgot that I am a monster. Hiding behind a mask, desperate to cover its true identity forever. But nothing stays hidden. No matter how much you try.

The moment I found the courage to remove the mask I wore and reveal my true self, you stepped away in fear. I immediately understood how you felt. It's not easy to accept someone that could possibly hurt you the way those people who came into your life did to you. Now, all I have is the courage to accept the rejection that I received, no matter how hard it is to do it all by myself.

I want to keep you by my side, I want to say how much I yearn to protect and love you with all my heart and soul. However, nothing is permanent in this world. Just like those moments that we made together; Moments that became unforgettable memories. So, I will remain behind the mask, with my journal to hold the memories of you.

Photo by Viktor Talashuk on Unsplash

[iamanother]

Insecurities are poison

Don't let it eat you.

I always compare myself to the people around me. From my closest friends up to those strangers that I see at public places or even on social media that gain everyone’s attention because of the way they look—perfect skin, perfect shape, perfect face, perfect attitude, perfect in everything. When people are praising someone, I can't help but desire that attention for myself—I want to be noticed, I want to be acknowledged, and I want to be loved. No matter what I do to get the attention that I want, it makes me feel like a nobody. I am just a nobody; there's nothing special in me. Therefore, when I base what society wants on what I have, it makes me want to destroy everyone's confidence, just like how I destroy my own.

Don't let the insecurities seize you. It will ruin your confidence, the way you love yourself, and your good relationship with those people that you care for. If you take insecurities as a negative force in your life, they will become a poison in you. It will turn you into someone unrecognizable—a monster that spreads negativity in everyone’s life, including your own. Don't let your insecurities drive you to seek revenge on someone who didn't do anything to you. Instead, use them as motivation to become a better version of yourself.

As I get older, I realized that everyone has their own insecurities. We should not always compare ourselves to other people just because they gain more attention than you. It's better to have a lowkey life to free yourself from everyone’s expectations. Gain the confidence that you deserve. Be yourself and learn to ignore what society demands. Not everyone is happy with the attention that they have. The real victory over insecurity isn’t in comparison, but in embracing your own unique journey.

Photo by Eugene Golovesov on Unsplash

[iamanother]

Too afraid to be alone.

The universe knows how terrified I am of being alone. If I had the chance to be selfish just to keep them with me, I wouldn’t hesitate. I don’t want to cry again just because I lost someone I care about. My knees are too tired to sink to the floor, begging them not to walk away.

How do I stop being a people pleaser? No matter how much I pretend to be strong, I can’t ignore the truth—letting them go is the only way to give them the peace they seek. Is being alone truly okay, or do I just seem pathetic because no one wants to stay?

I wish I had the kind of personality that makes people want to be around me every day. But no matter how hard I try to wear a happy mask, I still feel small. Even when I shape myself into the person I think they want, I am not like those who effortlessly draw others in. I am just a nobody, wanting to be seen. A nobody, afraid of being alone in this world.

[iamanother]

Stepping back doesn't mean you're weak.

It's okay to step back if you can't feel your worth to them. Unlike a stone, we feel the weight of every throw of hurtful words and rejections. Stones remain indifferent, but we humans carry the scars left by the heartbreaks they caused us. You are human at all, getting hurt is a natural feeling.

Stepping back doesn't mean you're weak; it's a way to protect yourself before it breaks you, like a stone breaking down against a brick wall. Sometimes, taking a risk is not worth it at all. Why risk your heart for someone who doesn't even see its worth?

Prioritize your own worth and do not settle for less. Trying to prove yourself to someone who doesn't even care about you is draining to the point where we forget how to care for and love ourselves. Being blind to someone's toxicity is like drinking poison with your eyes shut. Step back and walk away from those who seek to destroy what you've built for yourself.

[iamanother]

When Independence Isn't an Option.

Sometimes, life doesn’t give you options. You’re forced to face the reality that slaps you hard.

I learned to stand on my own at a young age, showing strength even when I wanted to break apart. Society taught me that being weak is unacceptable, as I rarely show it, as I fear their judgment. I yearned for my parents' attention, reaching their expectations, but still a failure in their eyes. I felt like a ghost, invisible yet desperate for recognition. A ghost who craved love but was forced to walk through the darkness alone, pretending not to fear abandonment.

As the time went by, I grew up becoming dependent on those people who cared, only to be deceived by those who saw me as a failure. Heartbreaks piled up through my chest as silent cries were the only comfort that I had.

But one day, those silent cries become the loudest cry that you will hear. With the right people and the right environment that I deserve.

[iamanother]

Falling in love is an accident.

Falling in love is an accident. You don’t know when you will feel it, who you will fall in love with, where it will begin, or what you will do once it happens. Love is a tricky feeling. Sometimes, you might feel like the happiest person in the world, but the next day, you might feel like the worst. You may not even notice yourself slowly falling for someone until you look back and analyze all the moments you’ve shared together.

Those butterflies in your stomach, the loud beats of your heart, and those laughs that you’ve never experienced before—everything feels so unexpected. You don’t know when it will happen, or if you’re in the right place, time, or with the right person to feel it. Love is like an accident because you’ll never be certain if that person feels the same way when you’re with them.

The sudden feeling of love is like a puzzle that you cannot solve instantly. It takes time to figure out how to express it, and there's a sense of frustration in trying to show it to someone who may not see it with their own eyes. You cannot predict what will happen after revealing those emotions—will the person understand and acknowledge them, or will they feel uneasy because they cannot reciprocate? While you can control your feelings, you cannot control how someone responds to them.

Therefore, while falling in love may be accidental, it is your responsibility to express those feelings thoughtfully, without pressuring the person you love. There is nothing wrong with falling in love, even if it is not reciprocated, as long as you share your emotions without expectations.

[iamanother]

Don't give your all, learn how to prioritize yourself.

I used to give my love to everyone I cared about most. "As long as they're happy," I would say for every ounce of love I offered. But does giving the love they need mean I am also receiving the love I need?

I keep giving without thinking of the consequences it brings. I once thought that giving love would naturally lead to receiving something in return, but I keep encountering disappointment, an experience I wish to avoid. I feel emptiness inside, as though no one wants to fill the jar I desperately need filled.

Who can I call when I want to share the saddest story of my life? Who can I hug when I long to embrace my vulnerability? Desperation overwhelms me, as the system within me is losing strength to push through. It feels like my feet are moving slowly through the deepest depths of the sea, and I feel my love is like a paper that easily gets crumpled after using it.

Always give love to yourself first so you don't end up expecting something from everyone you care about. It's okay to give love; just make sure you're prioritizing yourself along the way.

[iamanother]

Katherine Mansfield

[iamanother]

I want someone who admires me with the same intensity as they admire the moon and the stars.

[iamanother]

“The strongest people have a past filled with chaos, heart break and disappointment.”

— r.h. Sin

[iamanother]

“Dressing Up For Spring” Vogue Nippon April 2002 Mariacarla Boscono and Marcelle Bittar by Tom Munro

[iamanother]

I am a stranger to myself.

She was all alone along the road, picking flowers while listening to her favorite song. She loves to explore new things on her own, enjoying the time she is spending for herself. She is brighter and stronger than you. I find it strange—who is she that I was looking for? She knows her worth, adapts the art of loneliness, and embraces love for herself just like those flowers from the street.

She knows how to become independent, as she is starting to know herself more by exploring it. At first, I thought she was a stranger, but after learning and observing her, I realized that stranger through my eyes was myself. I am the stranger on my own, and that stranger is braver than before. She can now stand on her own and embrace herself more, as she knows how to love and appreciate herself.

Sometimes we find it strange when we are changing ourselves into a better person than before. We are unfamiliar with where we are today, as we know more about how to adapt to the changes and challenges in our lives. Keep on finding yourself in an unfamiliar environment. Explore yourself more, as you will find happiness within you.

written by: iamanother (elegus on medium)

[iamanother]

to love you is an art, i want you to paint on my canvas, and post it on the wall of my museum.

you are a beautiful blessing, that i want to embrace; to love and protect you, my favorite art.

the art is me, loving me is an art; i am my own masterpiece.

iamanother, to love you is an art.

[iamanother]

People are scared of telling the truth because the more you speak the truth, the more you suffer from it.

[iamanother]

` ladder.

It's important to recognize your own limits and prioritize your well-being. If meeting someone's expectations is causing you stress and exhaustion, it's okay to take a step back. Remember, your happiness and health come first.

[iamanother]

[iamanother]

Turn your envious self into motivation.

New phone, eating at a fancy restaurant, going outside that feels like a normal day, hanging out with friends at the club, ordering whatever you want at online shopping apps, or even buying elegant dresses at your favorite brand.

These are one of my dreams in life, and I feel envious whenever I see people on social media posting these things as if it is easy for them to buy without thinking about the price of their expenses every day. I admit that sometimes I feel so mad at myself because I am poor. My parents are doing their best to provide our necessities, but I cannot avoid being envious of these people who have a financially stable life.

“Why can’t I be like them?” “Why do I feel so poor looking at them?” “Why do I need to compare my own life to theirs?”

These are the questions on my mind whenever I feel that envious feeling inside me. I know, it’s bad. Will you blame me for being like this? I admit that I hate our life status, and I do not want to blame my parents because I am thankful that they made me alive in this world, and they are the best for me — for being a hardworking parent, which is one of the hardest challenges in this world. Therefore, instead of making myself feel ‘envious’ because of these financially stable people, I am turning that ‘envy’ into ‘motivation’ to study harder in order to make myself into one of them in the future. I want to make my parents and even myself proud of me, as I want to turn my poor life into a successful one.

I keep on saying to myself:

“Turn that envious feeling into a positive one.”

Being envious to other people is normal, unless you turn that feeling into a negative one. Remember, your feelings are valid, but do not use that feeling to destroy other people’s lives. They might have plenty of money in their pockets, but you do not know their story. You do not know if they feel that ‘successful’ in them.

I do believe that…

“Success is not about having ‘money’; it’s about the feeling of contentment.”

Turn your negative thoughts and feelings into positive ones. Maybe in that way, you will feel motivated to work harder to achieve your dreams in life. Remember that life is not as easy as we think, but your life is not meaningful if you do not know its purpose.

Photo by Markus Spiske on Unsplash