idoubtidont-blog

[idoubtidont-blog]

I’ve posted this before, but I love to share.

My favorite (still unfinished) tattoo. I started it March 2010 but haven’t had the funds to get her finished. 

Left is the original photograph, right is the amazing artist’s interpretation on my right thigh. <333 Bettie Page.

[idoubtidont-blog]

Just passed the inspection on my apartment, I don't know why I was all freaked. They failed me two weeks ago because I wasn't here, which makes no sense. But my place looks really nice because all the stressing I've done has been put into reorganizing and cleaning. My son is watching Horton Hears a Who and nomming on strawberries even though I just made him a big breakfast... He doesn't want anything. It looks so good but I shan't eat it. I'm going to the gym today with that girl from work that I could do without. We are bringing our kids to the child care center they have there, but I kinda want to stay a long time to hit the 630 zumba class and try it out. I'm seriously considering a membership to the gym. :3 I need it. But I'm going to check around at a few other places for prices. I bought s silly pussy cat dolls dancing workout video haha. It's pretty fun. Liam tried to do it with me. He's a strange kid. He got really upset that his shirt didn't show his belly like the dancers on screen. Like he thw a fit, so we had to find him a too small shirt, then he started stressing about booty shorts so I just turned it off.... Omg. He kills me sometimes. I should have my car up and running by next week! Then it's saving saving saving so I can take a trip home. And give what's his face his money, sigh. I still have to pay my income taxes, ugh. Maybe I'll go file today. Bleh. I'm rambling. I guess I'll stick this in ny personal blog.

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120 calories worth of soup. I'm pathetic and ugh and sick. I wish to die.

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Fuck fuck fuck. My self esteem is so low right now. I need someone to seriously just... Let me know they love me. Spontaneously, whatever, I don't know. i haven't heard those words un prompted in so long.... My heart hurts.

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165 pouuunnnddssss

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20 lbs down!

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Sometimes I wake up With tears in my eyes And only one name In my mind Repeated over The question I continue to ask myself, "how did I let the end happen?" I had no control, and maybe that's the worst of it Maybe I have to know, Always, That I cannot be told "no" But I was, And I am. And it is... Done. I'm okay now, During the day. It's the night That hurts, Burns. I need to find a wall To lean my head upon To rest To heal Love Isn't real.

[idoubtidont-blog]

Weird. How I don't reeeallly care anymore, but obviously I still do. I have dreams about it that are off, and I see little signs of my discontent everywhere. I sometimes cry. Just ugh. I don't know though. Because I always feel better after a bit. Or a distraction. Or something. I just want to... Arg. Cry. Or power through, be the bad bitch I am, and make some damn breakfast vs going back to bed.

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I've been weighing in at 174 for a few days. Need to be more committed to tracking cals. I can dooo this!

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Soooo apparently it's possible for me to vomit all over the entire universe post drunken make out and still have him be interested. I think I'm pretty fly.

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Long story short, finally hung out with guy from bar. He was interesting, pleasant, attractive, etc. The second his clothes came off my mind screamed "oh hell no!" But I powered through. Shady dude thought he was going to get away with bare back... Acted sketch about a condom. Got one... Afterwards tells me there's a hole in it. LOL SECOND DATE DENIED. I can't even.

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Soooo far today: Breakfast: 1 cup of green grapes. 62 cals. Equate ultra weight loss chocolate shake. 180 cals. 31 crunches. Weak, I know. But I plan on working out more... After my nap. I weighed in at 168 today. I'm keeping my "current weight"at 170 though until I see 160-something for at least three days in s row, because I know how I fluctuate. Staying on track though :)

[idoubtidont-blog]

Soooo far today: Breakfast: 1 cup of green grapes. 62 cals. Equate ultra weight loss chocolate shake. 180 cals. 31 crunches. Weak, I know. But I plan on working out more... After my nap. I weighed in at 168 today. I'm keeping my "current weight"at 170 though until I see 160-something for at least three days in s row, because I know how I fluctuate. Staying on track though :)

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Piece of shit! I've never seen my son so sad to say goodbye :( he cried so pathetically and begged to stay with mommy. His dad shut the car door on me and upset him more and his worthless step mom laughed at him. They really need to get better at this transition. Ugh. I hate saying goodbye to my son as it is, but it's soooo much worse when it hurts him so badly.

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I fucking hate sleep paralysis. I didn't hallucinate anything scary this time. Just sad. Damn it. Please, I'd gotten you out of my waking thoughts. Just let me have my sleep. I woke up just crying. It's ann unfortunate side effect of the sp. I either come to extremely terrified or unbearably sad to the point that I feel like nothing will ever be okay again. It takes Few mins for it to pass. In writing this, I've gotten through it. Disregard. But my god that was an awful feeling. I'd other death over longing.

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My mom and my son just left the house and I have all these chores to do... But nope, I'd rather masturbate.

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Not gonna lie, I might be angered if you jump that quickly.