imperfect-autodidact

[imperfect-autodidact]

Sometimes I feel too privileged to have access to to awesome resources and then I remember that I am an immigrant from third-country, work too hard and fight suicidal thoughts.

But hey, French press

[imperfect-autodidact]

Do not forget, that you are there for the money. Do not attach emotionally to an office job, it will suck your soul once you realise how damned it is.

friends, if I can give you one piece of advice for those of you who are new to work, or are about to enter the workforce, especially if you have any sort of office job:

Do not work on your days off.

"But--"

DO NOT WORK ON YOUR DAYS OFF.

[imperfect-autodidact]

I’ll take one Egoistical Scholar and one Medieval Monk to rebrand my personality, please!

i figured tumblr would appreciate this more than pinterest.

pinterest @/alightcaseof_ohno

[imperfect-autodidact]

Feeling somewhat alive for the first time since October, this was a very long depressive episode and it will return. I start therapy in July and hopefully will be able to catch depression faster next time.

Made my first “talking head” YouTube video, yet have to learn how to talk, work with sound and light, but it was valuable experience anyway. The video is about how neoliberalism destroys higher educational system and gosh it made me sad. And even more left. I might give in and read Marx one day. Or better, Piketty.

Taking my time with French and finally reading, no pressure with math. I do have a toxic relationship with this one. Next week is a week-off from 9-to-5, will find time to think about it.

Wild thought of the day: maybe I should go to university and study physics?

[imperfect-autodidact]

If I won’t romanticise my life, it will go down the drain very quickly.

This is the third time I am trying with French, this time it will work, as it helps me mentally to get back on track. A strange life-hack I am using right now: learning A1 and A2 at the same time. First, I go through vocabulary/grammar at A1, then the same at A2. It is harder, but I am seeing the advantage. It is more mental, as one is not stuck at the same level for too long.

This is not the first language I am teaching myself, German was done differently and still was a success, but I want to learn French this way and hopefully progress faster.

[imperfect-autodidact]

I am officially autistic.

Yes, at 29.

While commuting to diagnostics I started reading Math History by Jay Cummings. Highly recommended. It is too long a story to write and I am too tired today, but while working with an example there something happened, like knocking on the door and then kicking it down: I am good at math. Not counting good or being-fast-good, but intuition-good. I think people outside serious mathematical academia underestimate what intuition can achieve one’s it is built. It gives me some kind of hope.

Actually grateful for this moment.

Now, back to reality, tomorrow I must endure that 9-to-5 of mine and not die.

Can I be a teenager without financial responsibility once again? I’ll do better this time, promise

[imperfect-autodidact]

I will print this and stack to my office door, thank you

Sorry for having symptoms of a mental illness I literally told you I have it will happen again

[imperfect-autodidact]

I like when ultra rich become nervous, it means the strategy of making wealth shameful slowly works.

Gosh.

Must be rough for them.

[imperfect-autodidact]

They were my favourite toys in childhood, no wonder I question being hetero. What an hindsight.

happy pride to my favorite gif in the world

[imperfect-autodidact]

Test ride for a new whiteboard. Disclaimer: I am a grown adult with a bullshit 9-to-5, I can afford such fancy things. You don’t need it to study. Hell, even I don’t need it to study (but I do need it as a background for upcoming YouTube channel).

Everything seems kind of pointless right now. I research how capitalism has twisted higher education and it makes me want to give up my plan for next year to go to the university (it is not even a dream anymore). But I can’t cheat this fucking system where a paper is more important than a person. And university is the only place to get proper academical networking.

Ok, screw that, I am sticking to plan A.

[imperfect-autodidact]

Yeah, I kind of ordered French textbooks last night because je ne parle pas française and it is time de changer it.

[imperfect-autodidact]

It is strange to observe on a daily basis how mental health can deteriorate. I enjoy solving math problems and yet I haven’t touched a textbook for several weeks, because I feel numb. Because sometimes I want not to exist.

But then I try to remember what is it all for. Not a paper from university I am not yet enrolled at. Not for “having a career” somewhere in the future. But because I am bursting from ideas, because these ideas might one day contribute to collective humanity. Too ambitious? Maybe, but it is a legitimate reason to go further.

I have never been able to reflect on myself. Politics, history, literature, science, art - whatever, my analysis is always deep and surprises people. But as of turning 29 I still have no idea who I am.

Maybe it is time to start asking.

Now something tells me I will be able to get back to math soon enough, because she is the ultimate Beauty I have encountered so far apart from the night sky. And this Beauty is worth fighting for and living for.

[imperfect-autodidact]

It won’t change unless the paradigm “paper is more important than human” shifts

i completely understand & agree with the backlash against students using chatgpt to get degrees but some of you are out here saying "getting a degree in xyz means pulling multiple consecutive all-nighters and writing essays through debilitating migraines and having severe back pain from constantly studying at your desk and chugging energy drinks until you get a kidney stone and waking up wishing you were dead every day, and that's just part of the natural process of learning!!!" and like. umm. i don't think that any of us should have had to endure that either. like maybe the solution for stopping students from using anti-learning software depends on college institutions making the process of learning actually sustainable on the human body & mind rather than a grueling health-destroying soul-crushing endeavor

[imperfect-autodidact]

Sorry not sorry, but I made myself meant to understand this joke after 5 minute of search engine usage and I bloody loved this tweet

if this tweet doesn’t make perfect sense to u immediately then u weren’t meant to understand it

[imperfect-autodidact]

NOOOO, HOW DARE ANYONE EAT SUCH A CUTE BROWN BUNNY

[imperfect-autodidact]

I shall either question marketing or my whole educational journey.

[imperfect-autodidact]

And it will get worse.

Google has announced, that genAI will be the most important feature of the search. THEY DELIBERATELY DO THAT. Because, you know, stocks and capital. Money is in AI right now, so everybody, who wants new investments (and Google is too greedy to ignore this tendency) has to do this shit. They don’t care about us and our needs, they. want. more. money.

Ecosia, DuckDuckGo and other search engines, that are actually search engines and not a scam, still exist.

Gods, I hate this circus we call economics.