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The Sound of the Bell

They say healing has a sound—

a bell rung loud in a hallway lined

with tired hope and IV trees,

where warriors wear hospital gowns

and courage breathes through broken bodies.

I remember the day she rang it.

My mother,

a single flame who lit two lives,

stood with her shoulders squared,

eyes shining not with tears,

but with triumph.

She had fought so long,

for reasons that lived in our faces,

for the life we still needed with her.

And that day,

she believed it was done—

that she had won.

The bell echoed then

like a closing chapter,

like sunrise after months of storm.

And I wanted to believe it too.

But cancer is a thief.

It does not always honor

the sound of finality.

It returned,

quiet at first,

then loud in the ways it took her from us.

Now, when a bell rings—

a school bell, a wind chime,

a distant church in the morning mist—

it’s not just a sound.

It’s her.

It’s the hope she carried,

the joy she felt,

the pride in that moment of ringing.

She beat it once.

Not just in her body,

but in her will.

In the way she kept going

when everything said stop.

The bell rang.

Not to say the war was over—

but to say she never stopped fighting.

So when I hear that bell,

it breaks me open,

but it also lifts me.

Because I remember her strength.

Because I remember her love.

Because I remember

that she rang it for us.

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“The Day She Left”

The day you left, the world stood still,

A breath was stolen, a shattered will.

And though I kept on—because I must,

A part of me turned into dust.

I’m wrapped in love—I see their eyes,

My children’s laughter, my partner’s light.

But deep inside, there’s still a space

Only you, Mom, could ever grace.

They give me reason, they help me stay,

But I still ache in a quiet way.

Because a mother’s love, once known,

Leaves echoes no one else can own.

I search the sky for any sign,

A whisper, a warmth, a shift in time.

Desperate for your voice, your touch—

Anything to feel you near, just once.

Some days I don’t fear death at all,

I feel its tug, I hear its call.

Not from pain, but from the ache

To cross that bridge no heart can fake.

I don’t wish to leave the love I’ve grown,

But part of me still longs for home.

And home was you—your voice, your light,

Your arms that made the world feel right.

So hold me close in unseen ways—

In feathers, songs, or sunlit haze.

And until I see your face once more,

I’ll love you from this distant shore.

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July 14th 2025

6:35pm

Today has been day 2 at the actual job location. I really don’t like it tbh. It seems like a lot of work for little pay. I’m busting my ass though and not complaining.

I came home today and it’s just annoying.

No dishes done. No laundry. He just sits there playing games. Yes I’m not there to what he quotes “a long and tough day” but how could I go to work for over 8 hours, take care of the baby all night, wake up at 4am with little sleep, work over 8 hours and then do all of the chores.

Then today I’m bottling all of this up. And I hear immediately after a long day how depressed he is.

I didn’t want to go back to work. I wanted him to work. He was refusing to work for someone although he always said “I’m gonna get a job at xyz”

He always has a business idea. I’m not one to shoot stuff down. Although that’s what it seems like to him. But fuck man just get a job and work on your business idea. Why do I have to be the one to step up and do this. On top of my depleting health conditions I don’t know why he would just allow it.

Of course if he reads this, he will say “well you wanted to work”

Let’s be clear. I didn’t. I have been patient to have him figure out how to make money. We can’t keep living like this. I brought up so many times how “one of us needs to work” and I told him that I really wanted to stay home. You think he would just work right ? No

I am depressed. I am running off fumes. I’m sacrificing every bit of myself

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6/23/25

8:34 pm

So the interview went in a different direction. I went through the whole process with the original role I applied for. I found out at the end of the interview that there was 0 open positions in that role. I spoke up and asked for anything that was part time. She told me she thinks there was a QSR position available and would get back to me by the end of the day. I got an offer and will be at animal kingdom lodge! I have a meeting tomorrow

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6/23/25

8:55am

Almost interview time. What if they don’t see the good in me. I really want this. I need this.

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6/18/25

THEY WANT TO SPEAK TO ME ON MONDAY ABOUT EMPLOYMENT.

6/23/25 at 9:00am

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5/19/25

4:28pm

Just got off the phone. They said they are going to contact a recruiter to contact me within a couple days.

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05/19/25

2:44pm

Jaxson had program day, he did so well. I enjoyed him singing with all his friends.

Logan said she was bleeding today and has an appointment.

At 4pm I’m chatting with Disney to see my options. Hoping something good to come out of today from everything

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05/15

Heard back from them bunch for a FT bench position. I’m going to talk to them on Monday 19th to see if there’s anything else.

I’m tired of arguing. I didn’t even do anything today.

“Selfish Asshole”

Moments like this I want to curl in a bawl and cry on my mom’s lap. She’s not here. No one gets it. I barely even talked to you (m) today.

I think of her all the time. Going out and seeing places where we walked kills me. Driving your car makes me miss you even more. Frames side by side go on in my head with the same places. One where you were here and now you’re not. It’s hard to enjoy things.

I just want to drift away.

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5/12/25

Still waiting for Disney. I’m praying for this. I need this. Lord please. Denise got an email today for her to have an interview. I wish it was me. But maybe that means I’ll hear back soon from them.

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05/02/25

Today I applied for Costuming at Disney. Although it’s not my ideal role, I would like to get my foot in the door. I’m also worried about REJECTION.

Lord please, I need this

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4/29/25

10:20pm

Found out today I was able to be rehired at Disney by calling HR. I just don’t any jobs yet that interest me on their careers page.

Finding this out gave me a little glimpse of happiness. When I worked with them I had that time to myself and I felt happy.

I want to feel normal again. And I feel like angry all the time. I have built up hatred for everyone. It’s not like me.

I feel like I am deserving of happiness and anyone who feels happier than me doesn’t deserve it. Why do they get to feel like that and I don’t. I’ve been through enough.

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Something About Grief They Dont Talk About

02/06/2025

11:16pm

When you lose someone you aren’t just grieving them. You’re grieving lost time with them.

You Grieve

-every argument

-every time you were “too busy” to hangout

-every missed phone call

-every text message you didn’t respond to

-every birthday/holiday they aren’t here for

-every milestone you some across

-every “what if” moment.

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Wednesday November 27th 2024 9:32pm

Mommy. I miss you beyond words. I just want to feel like you’re proud of me and I feel like I’m getting no where. It makes me so depressed.

I want to get a house. I want to get property. I want to make money. I want to feel happy and be a good mom.

I feel like I’m in limbo.

I don’t know where to take my life. I just want you to be proud me and for me to “do something with my life”

I feel stuck.

I need you.

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Monday, 10:56 pm

July 15, 2024

We closed the house today. I feel further away from you than ever. The house was the one thing that made me feel so close to you and I had to say goodbye.

My heart aches.

I miss you beyond words. I cry every day and look back at so much.

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June 27th 2024

8:08pm

“I want my life back”

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June 18th 2024

11:22pm

Im so overwhelmed. The house sold but is it going to go through okay? I’ll miss it. I miss you so much. I’m so lost without you.