insideoutcbt

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✨Feedback posted with permission from client.✨ . . . I feel truly grateful to be able to do the work I do. Being let into peoples lives is a gift and an absolute honour. It always feels so worthwhile when you are told that you’ve made a real difference to someone’s life. But CBT is a 2 way street, it’s collaborative, and so the REAL change and progress comes from the work you put in. And as much as I’m graciously (or totally ungraciously) accepting this compliment, I always remind my clients of this. Progress takes really hard work and commitment. For this person, it all paid off. . . . . #shamelessselfpromotion #therapistsofinstagram #humbled #blessed #grateful #gratitude https://www.instagram.com/p/CAqUUbFn_fx/?igshid=td98gc05zobv

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☮️

Making Friends with Uncertainty

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This doesn’t mean taming, training, or “getting rid” of uncertainty, but instead involves developing a more flexible approach in how you manage it.

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Forming a different relationship with uncertainty might mean working towards seeing it in a different light, or it might just mean being able to stand it better, limiting how much uncertainty distress impacts on your life. Tolerance might, or might not, mean acceptance. And acceptance of uncertainty doesn’t have to mean that you begin to like or enjoying it.

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Some people might manage to make room for uncertainty, and learn to accept it in spite of how it feels. Some even manage to feel differently about it. Some others might not reach acceptance, but can tolerate it by living comfortably in spite of the non-acceptance.

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No matter which approach you might consider taking, there’s a strategy that fits both, and this involves “opening up” to the experience, rather than resisting it.

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When we resist emotions that we label as “negative” or “bad” we automatically form something known as a “relationship of opposites” (think magnets- opposites attract). Why? ... When we perceive something as being necessarily bad, we experience sympathetic nervous system activation (the brain and body’s threat response). When this happens we automatically want to move away from these feelings (this is normal for everyone, we are hard wired this way). The problem with this is that avoidance becomes an automatic response to the feeling of uncertainty, which is then repeated over and over. When we avoid, resist, and move away from uncomfortable feelings, hoping they’ll go away, they actually get stronger instead. That’s because your threat system is now actively looking out for that feeling and trying to protect you from it. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again “what we resist, persists”.

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So the key here is to practise moving towards openness. I have lots of other posts on this (have a look around and you’ll find them). But this is where that term “sitting with” the uncomfortable emotions comes in. If you can spend some time just noticing what’s happening (become the external observer of your thoughts and feelings) you are doing something different than resisting, which in time will weaken than “threat system” response, and allow you to form a new relationship with uncertainty (and other distressful emotions). This means also taking the perspective that feelings aren’t necessarily “bad” just because they are uncomfortable. Here’s the 2nd part of my cheesy line: “what you can feel, you can heal”. Once you’re able to do this, you will notice that your thoughts follow... you may start to see uncertainty as less threatening, and might explore other opportunities that it presents.

[insideoutcbt]

UNCERTAINTY DISTRESS

This image is a remake of a research model that has been recently published by Professor Mark Freeston and his colleagues, who have been exploring the phenomena of “intolerance of distress”, and the role this plays in anxiety disorders. I have a few posts on this already, have a swipe around my page to explore this further. More recently, this group have been exploring the way that our systems become “up-regulated” in the context of stressful life events, producing “uncertainty distress” and have used recent coronavirus pandemic to gain further insight into this. You don’t have to have an anxiety disorder for this to apply to you, we are pretty much all feeling this effect.

This post is going to explore this model in the context of the recent pandemic, and offer you a few tips on how to “down-regulate” the system, and reduce your distress levels.

So first, a brief explanation of the picture you’re looking at. Each of these 5 “petals” represent a major factor involved in producing uncertainty distress; different combinations of these factors will produce different levels of distress.

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It might or might not be familiar to you already, that we tend to overestimate threats, and that our level of uncertainty about things is influenced by what we consume in the media. We each already have a pre-existing level of tolerance for uncertainty. For many, even slight uncertainties or unknowns produce high-ish levels of distress that we are motivated to reduce (see my last post on this). All 3 of these factors, in addition to the level of ACTUAL threat and ACTUAL uncertainty influence one another, and determine how much uncertainty distress we experience.

— EXAMPLE 1: If the “actual” level of threat is low, but your “perceived” sense of threat is high, and you don’t deal well with uncertainty, and you perceive that there’s a lot of uncertainty about the pandemic, then you are like to feel more distressed than someone who perceives less threat and/or less uncertainty.

— EXAMPLE 2: If the “actual” level of threat is low, and your “perceived” sense of threat is also low, but there is some uncertainty (either perceived or actual - super hard to tell the difference in the case of the pandemic), and you don’t deal well with uncertainty, then you might also have a lot of distress (and might find it difficult to work out why, given that you aren’t particularly anxious or fearful about e.g. catching the virus or being impacted financially/socially etc.).

Here are some of relationships that we know influence this distress level. These are what contribute to this “up-regulation” of the system that we experience.

- 1. The information we receive about the “actual” level of threat directly influences how we “perceive” the threat (how risky/dangerous we think the virus is).

- 2. The level of “actual” uncertainty directly influences how we “perceive” uncertainty (how unsure we are about how it’ll impact our lives).

- 3. The level of disruption this pandemic has on our life directly influences how much uncertainty we can tolerate (how well we sit with the unknowns about how our life will be impacted).

- 3. Our level of perceived threat directly influences our level of perceived uncertainty, which will also impact how we are able to tolerate that uncertainty.

- 4. How well we tolerate uncertainty feeds back into how we perceive uncertainty (if I’m very intolerant, I might feel even more uncertain because of this), which feeds into our level of perceived threat (if I really don’t like uncertainty, and so I feel even more uncertain, this will increase how threatened I feel).

- 5. All of this combined is what produces UNCERTAINTY DISTRESS (which isn’t necessarily the same as anxiety or fear about the virus in general).

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So what does this mean for YOU? If you’ve stuck with me up until this point WELL DONE... I’m trying to simplify something that’s bloody well complicated, so that it can be meaningful for you to do something about it.

So, you might feel like nothing is in your control right now. However, there are some things we can do to reduce uncertainty distress. This is where “down-regulating the system” comes in. Some ways you can do this are:

- MANAGE INFORMATION: Think about how much media you consume, and reduce this to a narrow and trusted range of sources to reduce your perceived level of uncertainty. We know that the media is very conflicting right now, and taking in too much of it only increases our sense of uncertainty. Split information seeking into 3 categories of: ‘need to know’, ‘things I’ll limit’, and ‘things to avoid’ - stick to this once you’ve set it.

- BUILD A SENSE OF SAFETY: Think about how you can create some sense of normality. Build a routine into your life. Punctuate your day with as many things as you can that are as close as possible to the things you used to do before lockdown. Consider, what gives rhythm and meaning to your life? This is undeniably tricky, but what we are suggesting here is to re-introduce things that lead to safety signals (think favourite childhood foods, familiar walks, board games you played as a kid, music you liked as a teen). Choose things that are familiar to you, that make you feel anchored in your life. Activities should be enjoyable as well as functional for you. Also make sure they are repeatable too, i.e. things you can do over and over again.

- BUILD TOLERANCE: This is unarguably difficult. If you are a human being and you are feeling unsafe, you will look for a reason why. This is about building a more flexible approach to how you perceive uncertainty. Make friends with uncertainty, which isn’t about getting rid of it, but instead learning to live with it. You might need help from a therapist if you struggle a lot with intolerance of uncertainty.

- ADDRESS OVERESTIMATION OF THREAT: Once you have some grounding in place, work with a therapist or use some help-help materials to understand the sense you are making of how threatening this virus is to you and your life.

None of this easy, but the first 2 are things you can definitely experiment with independently. I’ll chat more about building tolerance in my next post, but hold in mind that there are loads of trained professionals out there who have moved their businesses online, and can work with you remotely to help you.

[insideoutcbt]

C H E C K I N . . Over the weekend I’m going to work on a mini series offering some very simple and practical suggestions to help you sit with, and hopefully move through, some of the difficult thoughts and feelings that are showing up for a vast many of us at this most tricky time. One of the main things I will focus on is *Uncertainty Distress* . . . Til then, here’s a few steps to checking in on yourself. I strongly recommend practicing this at least 2-3 times per day, purposefully punctuating your day with some paying some mindful attention to what’s going on for you internally. This might naturally lead you to generating some ways to feel better, or it might not. . . Doing something FAMILIAR (think reminiscent it childhood) will help to stimulate recognition signals in your brain, giving you a brief sense of increased control. This is a grounding strategy that won’t move mountains, but might just help you to feel that little bit more grounded. . . Things feel totally out of sorts right now for most people, even if their lives haven’t been dramatically impacted by the coronavirus pandemic. I’ll chat to you a little bit over the next few days about why this is, and help you to seek out a sense of stability during an unstable time. — — I only have very limited availability for new clients at the moment, but please drop a line for a therapy consultation if you think you might benefit from a piece of structured and focussed work. 📧 contact@insideoutcbt.com . #uncertainty #distress #angst #therapy #therapistsofinstagram #cbttherapy #actmindfully #acttherapy #coronavirustherapy #crisistherapy #pandemiclife https://www.instagram.com/p/CAgrMyfH_NR/?igshid=1wqx6f3h3ctgz

[insideoutcbt]

Be gentle. Be kind. You are doing the best you can today, and that’s okay. Setting intention is an important part of showing up, that allows you to recognise and acknowledge both where you’ve been and where you are going. #lovingkindness #compassion #showupforyourself #intention #empowerment #grit #wholehearted #vulnerability (at Kilkenny, Ireland) https://www.instagram.com/p/B7j9O8InpgT/?igshid=1eelchcpp8c2n

[insideoutcbt]

Perspective taking is a core skill taught in CBT. What we know for sure is that our thoughts impact how we feel, and that our thoughts aren’t always realistic or a true representation of how things are. • • In CBT we teach you ways to filter out mental noise. We explore your underlying belief system and assess cognitive biases that impact your here and now thinking. • • This information gives us a “way in” to begin modifying thoughts. We work with surface level automatic thoughts, and later begin to challenge your assumptions, rules, and core beliefs. We restructure these beliefs at a “felt” level, and work on transforming your thinking style towards something that serves you better than a set of old standards and expectations that you may be carrying and that drags you down. • • If this sounds like something that might benefit you, get in touch for an informal chat or therapy consultation. Email me confidentially at contact@insideoutcbt.com • • Follow @insideout_cbt for self-help materials and psycho-educational resources. • • #cbt #cbttherapy #therapistsofinstagram #changeyourmindset #therapy #therapist #cognitiverestructuring #stinkinthinkin #perspective #empowerment #mentalcoach #mindcontrol #anxietyhelp #anxietymanagement #traumaspecialist #traumaawareness #trauma #traumarecovery #depressionhelp #mentalwellness #recovery (at Kilkenny, Ireland) https://www.instagram.com/p/B7jPUrrHOY4/?igshid=ojzabc0bfkp5

[insideoutcbt]

Communication tips

✅ Stick with your own decision.

🚫 Don’t criticise.

✅ Respect boundaries.

🚫 Don’t give in to demands.

✅ Remain calm.

🚫 Don’t force or manipulate.

✅ State your feelings clearly.

🚫 Don’t use sarcasm to belittle.

✅ Treat others as equal to you.

🚫 Don’t take an inferior or superior stance.

[insideoutcbt]

Some more behavioural traits and consequences associated with passive, assertive, and aggressive communication.

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Note that items on the left and right lists don’t necessarily correspond to a person’s wishes or intentions, but most often are unhelpful byproducts of their communication style.

[insideoutcbt]

Okay, this one is very very very difficult. It requires a really well developed ability to remain calm despite what’s being thrown your way.

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This is only really appropriate when you are being attacked and using your voice is likely to lead to more harm (i.e. getting in deeper). Please don’t mistake this for stonewalling, which is a really unhelpful strategy that disrespects the other person and pushes relationships towards “no return” territory.

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Try (and I emphasise try, cause this is so difficult when we are triggered by mean/accusatory/otherwise hurtful statements) to acknowledge and accept the truths within what the other person is saying. Don’t add any reasoning, questions, or return statements about them. Once you acknowledge these truths, fog it up. End your sentence with a full stop and calmly wait until the other person backs off.

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Often when someone is in attack mode they expect the other person to buy in (or “bite”). Here you are doing the opposite. If your efforts pay off, the confrontation will end as the other person doesn’t get the desired effect that they predicted.

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Later, when the situation has calmed down, you can find an opportunity to appropriately assert your own thoughts, opinions, and feelings about the original point and the earlier encounter.

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If you find yourself needing to use this technique, I truly feel for you, cause this is a real difficult situation. Choosing to fog during an argument can feel very painful and bruise the ego. My best advice for you here is to honour your intentions. You are trying to do things differently, maturely and respectfully. You don’t need to slip into unhelpful patterns to defend yourself. Your worth isn’t contingent on what other people say to, or about, you.

[insideoutcbt]

Difficulty with accepting praise and discomfort when receiving compliments are associated with low self-esteem, feelings of inadequacy, and low self-worth. Learning to engage in the conversation instead of awkwardly closing it down is one way to begin to feel more comfortable with this.

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Criticism can also be hard to receive when we have low self-esteem. Underneath a lot of aggressive communication lies a fragile sense of self / ego, and aggressive responses are most often defence strategies. Being criticised doesn’t necessarily mean that the sender is questioning our value or worth, but this is often how criticism is internalised. Learning to accept criticism is vital for personal development. Self-development requires becoming comfortable with and accepting of our flaws and mistakes. High perfectionist standards sometimes make this difficult (more on this in another post).

EMAIL me confidentially on contact@insideoutcbt.com for a free therapy consultation.

[insideoutcbt]

How calm repetition can be helpful:
- Helps you maintain your integrity
- Assists you in standing your ground.
- Protects your from being taken advantage of.
- Prevents you buying into manipulative side traps.
- Keeps a conversation on track and relevant.
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This technique is very easy to learn and remember. Practise keeping your the tone, pitch and volume of your voice consistent whilst repeating your response. Only minimally change language with each repetition, such as adding a brief phrase to acknowledge the other person before re-emphasising your point. For example:
“I know that you don’t see my point of view, however [repeat original response]”
“I am aware you would prefer a different outcome, but [repeat original response]”
“I won’t change my mind, [repeat original response]”
“My decision is [repeat original response]”
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Like everything else in life, this won’t work for 100% of your attempts. Some people will not respond the way we would hope, but it can be successful much of the time.
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When you use this technique, you are demonstrating that you are someone who sticks by their word, which helps to build up a representation of you in the mind of others as someone who is consistent and who will not accept being trampled, disrespected, or toyed with.
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When you shouldn’t use this:
- When it’s being used as an avoidance strategy to get out of dealing with a situation that would be more helpfully resolved by you showing up.
- When using it undermines the rights of others.
- When it increases your risk of immediate physical harm.
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For a therapy consultation, email me confidentially at contact@insideoutcbt.com

[insideoutcbt]

Here’s a basic template to help you begin to formulate a new way of communicating your thoughts, feelings, and wishes.

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When my clients are struggling to phrase something they want to share with someone in their life, I guide them back to this template. You will notice a distinct lack of the word “you” - this is very very important. “YOU” statements usually come across aggressive and/or blameful. Imagine how you yourself feel when someone says something like “you hurt me when...” or “you are so annoying”. We immediately go into defence mode, even if what the person is saying resonates with the truth. Stick with “I” statements that will help you to take ownership of your own stuff, and demonstrate personal responsibility for your fair share of the encounter with the listener.

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If you’ve got something important to say but you feel stressed or nervous about the interaction, try to make sure that you include all 3 elements. It might not sound exactly like “I think, I feel, I would like”, but make sure you do express your thoughts, what emotion is triggered by these thoughts, and state clearly what it is you expect or would like to happen as a result of sharing this with the other person.

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Notice how different these two sentences sound:

1. You’re really pissing me off, I hate when you do that, f*ing leave me alone.

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2. I feel quite angry, I think the way you did that was unfair, I’d like some space.

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Opting for sentence 1 might release some pent up aggression, but it’s far less likely to help you achieve what you want and get your message across. It also might leave you with some reflective regret or shame later. Let’s compare another set:

1. I don’t mind, whatever you think... (but inside feeling let down when their choice doesn’t meet your needs)

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2. I’m not sure how I feel and I’m having a hard time choosing, can I take some time to think about it?

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These examples might not resonate with you as they are pretty vague, but hopefully the rough structure will offer you a new way of setting up what you want to say in a situation that you usually struggle.

[insideoutcbt]

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Here’s something ironic; some people find assertiveness threatening or confrontational, despite the fact that the speaker is operating from a respectful and non-critical stance. Here’s something to know... this is about them, and not you (you being the assertive speaker).

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When I’m working with clients on communication, and to be specific I mean when I’m working with clients who find it really hard to use their voice, it’s common that I’m told that they feel uncomfortable when I suggest we work on assertiveness skills. It’s SO COMMON for people to confuse assertiveness with being aggressive, so I get it if you feel a little wary of this advice I am sending your way.

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Let’s make some sense of this. Something prevalent amongst people who are passive in their speech and actions, is that they have often experienced what it’s like to be on the receiving end of an aggressive communicator’s ways (for example a primary caregiver, or maybe through their education system, or a figure of guidance/authority).

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Please remember that aggressive doesn’t necessarily = abusive, and doesn’t even have to be a raised voice. If you grew up thinking it wasn’t your “place” to speak or have an opinion, you were probably experiencing a situation where aggressive communication by the other person was normalised to you, whilst being taught that your “place” was to stay small. So it can feel odd to practise using that voice as an adult, and might feel like you are being asked to take the position of the aggressive other.

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Other examples might include more overtly controlling parents, harshly authoritarian teachers, and other humiliating, shaming, or otherwise punitive adults being in a position of authority over you as a child. When there is a power imbalance, a vulnerable person will most always internalise what they are experiencing. This is how children’s psychological development works. I digress...

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Saying “I don’t like this” is NOT the same as saying “It’s my way or the high way”. You are not exhibiting arrogance by stating your views. You are not stepping above your bounds by defending your position. You are neither acting needy or over-confident by expressing your preferences or sharing an opinion that’s different from others.

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So, yep, sometimes other people won’t like it when you do this. But remember that thing I said in my previous post about people’s threat system being triggered? It’s not YOUR responsibility if someone else feels threatened by you appropriately and respectfully asserting yourself. Not wanting to offend is probably one of the most common reasons people give for being passive. But let me ask you ... Is this tiptoeing likely to help you out in the long run?

[insideoutcbt]

Remind yourself of these goals when you aren’t sure how to frame a conversation, or when you notice stuckness.

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BE CLEAR: Being clear is tough unless you have self-awareness and know what you want to get out of the interaction. So before entering into one, be clear with yourself on what your boundaries and expectations are. Think about the goal of the discussion beforehand, especially if you have a tendency to drift into bringing up unnecessary points during an argument. Good communication needs to be a meaningful exchange and, for your message to be heard and understood, it needs to be clear. Try to concisely express your message. Try not to make too many points without allowing the listener to respond. When it’s your turn to offer feedback, make it relevant and appropriate to what’s just been said.

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REMAIN CALM: This doesn’t mean you can’t feel or express emotions that show up. It’s about keeping composure when they do, and not allowing strong emotions to derail your behaviour. You want to attempt to nurture a conversational environment that allows you to openly name your feelings to the other person, being mindful of your own actions and how they impact this person. Of course you can’t do this all alone, but when you notice e.g. a personal boundary has been violated and you aren’t managing to successfully deliver your message, choose to step away from the interaction at this time. Ask for a time out, and attempt to make an agreement where you can return to the discussion once things have calmed down on both sides.

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CONTROLLED RESPONSE: By now, hopefully you understand that this does not mean trying to control the other person, or take control of the conversation. Instead, it’s about tracking. Tune in to the other person during the conversation, and observe their responses. Also monitor your own emotions, and modulate your communication as necessary. If this means taking a step back (as described above), that’s okay. This version of control is about making sure that you stay inside the window of assertiveness and don’t drift into either passive or aggressive responses, because neither mode is going to help you gain what you need from the interaction.

[insideoutcbt]

People who have a tendency to communicate and behave assertively might say things like: - “Thanks for asking, but I’d rather not” - “No.” - “I don’t really like this, I won’t continue” - “I feel uncomfortable, I think this isn’t really for me, I’d like to leave” - “It upsets me when you say...” - “I prefer this one, is that okay with you?” - “I could do with some time out” - “I wonder if it would be more helpful if we ...” - “I understand that’s how you feel about it, but this is where I’m coming from ...” - “That’s a great idea, but tomorrow doesn’t work for me” — Having the capacity to communicate assertively takes practise. This is a learned skill, not one we are born with naturally. Our communication habits are closely related with the kind of early life experiences we had, and our attachment style. All people want to feel heard, but not everyone learned the most effective way to make that happen, and some had to compete. Others learned to back down, and for some it wasn’t safe to even try. — Our communicative style is likely to shift depending on the setting we are in. We are most vulnerable to slipping into unhelpful communication habits when we are faced with conflict, or when our threat response is active (NOTE: These aren’t necessarily the same thing. Often our threat response is triggered in situations where we “perceive” conflict or threat, and we aren’t even always conscious that this is happening either). — Positive consequences of using assertive communication include having solid relationships, being respected by others, being respected and valued by ourselves, enjoying positive self-esteem, having our confidence nurtured and thus feeling more competent in being able to reach our life goals and desires. Increasing your communicative abilities is likely to cultivate all of the above and buffer against mental health issues, or support resolving them. Hopefully you will gather how increasing these positive aspects of our social and emotional functioning can also lead to increases in our state of motivation, our sense of efficacy and self-worth, and overall ... HELP US TO GET OUR NEEDS MET. — In the note above about our threat response, I am referring to the idea that our communicative style will change in response to what we are both aware and unaware of, thus doing reflective work to understand our own triggers is vital when it comes to improving our communication habits. For example, maybe I have a habit of “making it all about me” and shifting between aggressive and passive-aggressive states, then later I wonder why I blew up so much when I don’t see myself as an aggressive or manipulative person. If I’m going to try to improve how I respond to situations, I first have to understand what triggered me. — Learning the skills (which I’m going to be teaching you throughout my next few posts) is only helpful when we can regulate our emotions. The reason being; we’ve all been there, emotions take over sometimes and despite our best intentions we don’t communicate in the most helpful way when triggered. — I think the point I’m emphasising here is that learning good communication skills is likely to only be part of the work if you are struggling with your mental health. The other part is really looking inwards and increasing self-awareness, improving emotional intelligence, and resolving emotional issues. You could do this in either order! And I should mention too, that not everyone with a tendency to use non-assertive communication will have an underlying emotional problem!

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People who have a tendency to behave aggressively might say things like: - “If you don’t like it, tough” - “I don’t care” - “Too bad” - “What’s it to you?” - “Shut up” — Feeling angry is a natural, appropriate, emotion. While our evolutionary roots give us an explanation of our capacity for aggression, humans uniquely also possess the ability to override these responses (excluding e.g. certain circumstances such as severe intellectual disability or mental illness). Anger falls within the same continuum as anxiety; it’s all about the threat response. So, much of the time, when we experience others as communicating aggressively, whilst they may be outwardly expressing anger, they might be experiencing an underlying threat reaction (consciously, or not). — There are obvious negative consequences of aggressive communication (making enemies, limiting circles), & extremely aggressive people may even get banned from public places. But it’s more common for people to use it in a more subtle way, i.e. without the shouting and obviously threatening behaviour. Although they may come across as demeaning, demanding, and controlling, these people are just as likely to feel dissatisfied and unable to have their needs met as people who communicate passively. — The “fight” mode of the FIGHT / FLIGHT response might look like some of the behaviours described above. Winning increases our chance of survival, but most of the time our aggressive communication doesn’t fit the situation. Aggressive communication is associated with harbouring resentment and negative opinions of self, others, and the world. These are vulnerability factors for depression, and can often be observed as a general state of irritability. — Aggressive communication doesn’t contribute towards leading a rich and meaningful life, or lend itself to being respected and valued by others. Self-awareness and emotional intelligence are 2 key skill-development areas required to develop assertive communication when moving away from an aggressive life position. — — FOLLOW @insideout_cbt For a therapy consultation, email me confidentially at contact@insideoutcbt.com — #angermanagement #therapistsofinstagram (at Kilkenny, Ireland) https://www.instagram.com/p/B7HB7A_Hezi/?igshid=lgy43hjj8kzm

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People who have a tendency to behave passively might say things like: - “I don’t mind” - “As long as you are happy” - “You choose” - “I don’t know... / I’m not sure” - “It doesn’t really matter to me” Sometimes these are normal, appropriate, responses. — However, when passive communication is used too often, especially when the person really does have an opinion, it’s likely to lead to feeling small, unheard, and misunderstood. When passive communication is used in a conflict situation (that might look like staying quiet or escaping the situation) effects will be amplified. There are noticeable links between low self-esteem and depression and anxiety disorders. It’s also common to feel dissatisfied and discontent when settling for less. — Part of the FIGHT / FLIGHT response for some people involves entering “appease” mode. This might look like crying, pleading, saying sorry, or giving in to demands. This type of behaviour does have an evolutionary basis with a motivation to avoid physical harm, so sometimes that’s appropriate and helpful too (maybe even life saving) but usually only in domestic violence and other physically threatening scenarios where your life is at risk. — For the most part, passive communication including submissive behaviour is unhelpful and doesn’t contribute towards leading a rich and meaningful life where we are respected by others. Often it is reasoned by people who talk about wanting an “easy life”. Is it easier to have low self-worth than to speak up? Is it easier to live quietly and anxiously? Is it easier to suffer than risk losing something that contributes to misery? These are topics I’d love to open up in a discussion in the comments below. — — FOLLOW @insideout_cbt For a therapy consultation, email me confidentially at contact@insideoutcbt.com — #passivecommunication #passive #communication #assertiveness #assertivenesstraining #communicationskills #skillup #findyourvoice #yourvoicematters #cbt #cbttherapist #therapistsofinstagram (at Kilkenny, Ireland) https://www.instagram.com/p/B7G9vi_n_gJ/?igshid=1lcgomdjuzsba