it-shitposts

[it-shitposts]

stan : today we'll be looking at ' only guys to exist ever '

stan : *clicks button and a picture of mike appears*

stan :

stan :

stan : ok , thank you all for coming to my presentation -

[it-shitposts]

beverly : hey stan , what if i just -

stan : beverly , you know i love you , but if you put that in the wrong place i will not hesitate to -

beverly : * shoves book onto the shelf *

stan :

beverly :

stan :

[it-shitposts]

mike : listen , just because i’m straight doesn’t mean i’m not gay

richie : felt that , except i didn’t at all , i’m fucking gay 

[it-shitposts]

richie : you wanna hear todays scoop ?

beverly : yes spill !!

richie , holding up an ice cream scoop : *clicks the handle thing a few times*

beverly :

richie :

beverly : the tea is SCALDING today omg

[it-shitposts]

stan : your future self is talking shit about you right now

richie : haha jokes on future me i’m already talking shit about myself. 

[it-shitposts]

beverly : my new years resolution this year is to find out what’s in poptarts

richie : people always say they’re making a new years resolution but what the fuck is a resolution

[it-shitposts]

beverly : so today i decided to try and light some incense 

beverly : as it turns out it was not incense. those sticks were , in fact , sparklers and i think that’s very on brand of me. 

[it-shitposts]

stan : are you even listening to me ? 

richie , wondering if he could put noodles on top of stan’s head and have it match his hair : yes 

[it-shitposts]

mike , to stan : so , do you ever wanna talk about your emotions ? 

stan : no

richie : i do 

mike : i know richie

richie : im sad

mike : i know richie

[it-shitposts]

richie : fun fact , your bones are always wet ! 

bill : w - what the fuck 

bill : ih - it would have cost you z - zero ( 0 ) dollars to s - s - say that

bill : in f - fact i would have p - payed you not to

[it-shitposts]

bev : ok so - hear me out - crocs , but they’re high heels and go up to your thigh.

mike : but why would you though

[it-shitposts]

tell me on anon what you'd never tell me off anon

[it-shitposts]

richie , coming into the living room : okay stan , don’t be mad but there’s a cow in the bath

stan :

richie : 

stan : what

richie : i said there’s a cow in the bath

stan : no , no , i heard you just ... why is there a fucking cow in the bath ? 

richie : he was dirty 

[it-shitposts]

me to the three people who interact with my posts

[it-shitposts]

beverly : mike , you’re an archaeologist , right ? 

mike : yeah , why ? 

beverly : how long does it take before it’s considered archeology and not grave robbing ? 

mike : i ... i don’t know

mike : this question makes me Very uncomfortable

beverly : okay , grave robber

mike : i’m not -

beverly : okay , grave robber

[it-shitposts]

richie : stan , please ? i’ll do anything ! it’s just one tik tok !

stan : anything ? 

richie : yes , anything ! 

stan , staring him dead in the eyes : then perish

[it-shitposts]

i’ve come to accept the fact that no post of mine will ever be as great as this one. i don’t know what’s so great about it but apparently it’s fantastic. 

eddie : sunburn sucks , i forgot to put on fucking sunscreen

richie : do you want me to get rid of the sun ?

eddie : w - what ?

richie : do you want me to get rid of the sun ?

eddie : i don’t - 

richie : i’ll do it. i will. put that bright fucker out with a water gun and call it a day. no more flaming ball of pain. it’ll never hurt you again -