joshiesjourney

[joshiesjourney]

I’m jewish now!

So I completely locked myself out of tumblr for almost two hecking years and I finally got back in! A lot has happened, including that I went through the Beit Din earlier this year. I am now jewish. 

It is incredibly emotional to me and I have so many words that I just cannot put together here. I am blessed and I am overjoyed. I am exhausted and I am worn down. I am exactly where I wanted to be. I have so much left to do and learn. 

But most of all: I am home. 

And I want to help form a better tomorrow for all of us. 

[joshiesjourney]

So I Sold My Chametz This Year

My second Pesach ever and what happens? A plague. 

I am in the risk group for said plague, I had to figure out what to do smartly about kashering my house. A few things I quickly agreed on: 

1. I am not going to have a kosher for Passover house. That just cannot happen, as I have roommates. I will try to keep my dishes separate as usual though. 

2. I will not kasherize my pots and pans etc: just wash them. I don’t have the material I would need to do it properly and half the stuff I use cannot be properly kashered anyway. I preferred, for the sake of things, to just use what I have. One day I might have my supplies just for this week. This was not now. 

3. I will not eat chametz this year during Pesach, but I will eat kitniyot. I have a history of disordered eating and I need to be careful not to make too many things off limits for myself. Pasta? Sure. Beans and rice, my staple foods? No. I need to be able to feed myself with the supplies I have available. 

4. I will make a proper seder for myself on both nights.

5. I cannot gift my chametz away, as what I have has been opened and half used and personal contact is a bad idea right now. It’s not even much, as I started to use it up before the cut off. 

First I put everything into a box with the label “Chametz Corner” to see what it was. It wasn’t that much, much less than I expected. Turns out I do not use much wheat products in the grand scheme of things. But that didn’t feel like enough this year. Last year I gifted my Chametz to a friend. I cannot and will not burn my supplies. And in a plague, being frugal and preservative of my foodstuff is prudent so I definitely will not toss them. 

I read reform jewish statements of people who described how seeing their off-limits box or section of their pantry kept reminding them of what they were doing, what commandments they were following etc. But that did not feel like enough this time, because the commandment is to not be in ownership of chametz during this time. I was still in ownership, I just kept them away from myself. That didn’t feel right in this time, because I was sitting across from it every day. I had to think of something else. 

I was worried that I might reach into the box habitually. Or might feel like “eh, might as well” at some point. And I didn’t want that, I wanted to try and do things more properly this year. So I thought things over some more and finally decided I wanted to try something. Selling my chametz in a symbolic, ritual sale. 

This way, I wasn’t going to get rid of the food I need. But I was going to no longer be the owner for a week while it resided in the shame corner box. 

This is permissible and commonly used in orthodox judaism. Devised in particular for jews with a large quantity of chametz, you can go through your rabbi and sell your chametz to a non-jew. 

My cantor dislikes this, as she doesn’t believe it is right she would have to have the help of a non-jew to observe her religion. I understand and agree with that perspective, however I also feel like I do not NEED to use this help. I could have also tossed the chametz. Or I could have just put it in the box and stayed owner. But I didn’t want to. I wanted to try this path this year, to see how it is. How it feels. If it makes a difference for me. 

It was part of my ritual this year and surprisingly, it did imbue my experience with more meaning. 

So I decide to sell my chametz. How? Where? I didn’t know if it would be permissible for me, a non-jew who is working on conversion, to use an orthodox online service and I didn’t have time to ask, so I avoided them this year. I also felt a strange shame at the idea of asking my friends in real life for this. It felt silly and weird to say “want to symbolically send me a buck for my pasta but I keep it in my box until next week when I send you a buck back to buy it back”. 

I ended up going on twitter and just asking if anyone would like to help me. It felt inappropriate, almost as if I were selling lewd pictures when all I was selling was pasta and bakemix. A stranger from the USA replied in minutes. I explained the purpose and ritual. Gave him my paypal. Got a dollar. 

That was that. The chametz was no longer mine. It was a bit of a shock, it was two days before Pesach and I no longer owned these items in the box. It was also an immediate relief. No more worries. I found myself no longer thinking about them. 

Until the next day where I mindlessly bought a brownie mix, brought it home, face palmed and put it straight into the box. I played with the idea of just making the brownies, but no. I had sold all chametz in my ownership. To me, that included the new box too. So I told myself: after Pesach, I’m having brownies. 

Then came Pesach. I was making dinner, prepping it in advance and stirring a sauce for my potato-beet gratin when I wanted to add some soup powder. But it wasn’t on my shelf and I remembered: it had flour in it. So it was in the shame box. It wasn’t mine. I couldn’t use it. Oops. 

I made a fresh, homecooked from scratch meal at least once a day over the next week, sometimes twice. And sometimes I found myself craving the brownies or wanting some noodles for dinner. But I never touched the box. Actually just not owning any chametz was powerful. I couldn’t touch it. I wouldn’t touch it. I didn’t have any. 

This simple fact took me down the road of thinking “why don’t I have any?” and would remind me of it being Pesach. Of it being a special time. Tonight is not like the others. This week is not like the others. I thought about the passage from Egypt to the reed sea. Thought of the luck I had that I was eating well. That I wasn’t fleeing. Imagined myself going through the Passover. Tried to reflect on personal Passovers, as is customary. 

I attended shul virtually six out of seven days total (I mixed up the times on Monday), often times multiple times in one day (yesterday three times. I was in a lot of pain from that). This is an opportunity I would never have had outside of the quarantine and it is heart warming to me and reassuring. 

This was an amazing week. Pesach ended last night. I paid back the buck. I have ownership of my brownies again and I will make them today. 

Today is seven days of the Omer. The day after Pesach ends. We are meant to reflect on what makes us shine in our relationship with someone else. I want to also reflect on my relationship with God today. You, God have given me ample guidance to reflect upon and to study and learn from. And I have so far yet to go.

[joshiesjourney]

Websites I frequent

Chabad: https://www.chabad.org/

If you google a jewish quesiton, you will land on Chabad. Orthodox, some takes that I find difficult to find anywhere else on the internet/when talking to rabbis irl so I recommend cross referencing. 

My Jewish Learning: https://www.myjewishlearning.com/

Maybe the best resource for Reform judaism that I have found so far. Comprehensive, lots of different topics, regular updates and multiple excellent newsletter subscriptions around specific topics. My favorite go-to. 

The Coffee Shop Rabbi: https://coffeeshoprabbi.com/

I didn’t discover this one until recently. This blog by Rabbi Ruth Adar feels more personal and is a Reform 101 website. Comprehensive, to the point and at times, very philosophical.

Judaism 101: http://www.jewfaq.org/

Much simpler, very comprehensive posts about all things to do with ritual, basic questions on judaism in general and more. Orthodox. 

Also a few more random ones: 

Rabbi Danya Ruttenberg’s Twitter: https://twitter.com/TheRaDR

I just really like her thoughts and recently bought one of her books. She’s pretty cool. 

An online lecture series about Torah: https://oyc.yale.edu/religious-studies/rlst-145

A Yale course that I haven’t quite finished yet, but it taught me a lot about bible study and the beginnings of judaism.

This wonderful person: https://jewish-kulindadromeus.tumblr.com/

This tumblr has very well researched posts with plenty of details. I adore it!

Halachipedia: https://halachipedia.com/index.php?title=Main_Page

A wikipedia just for judaism and halacha. I don’t use it super often but when I have random thoughts and questions I sometimes end up here. 

[joshiesjourney]

End of a Decade

2019 ends tonight, so I thought I’d review what I’ve done. 

2019 marked something very important for me. It was the year when I came forward and asked my shul how I could convert. 

I was cited a 3 year minimum, that my shul has a temporary limitation on conversions bc of politics, that there was neither a rabbi nor a teaching structure at my shul and that if I did want to do this, I had to teach myself/learn from as many sources as possible on my own. So I did. I can count the services I missed this year on one hand, normally because of either transportation issues, health or just being out of town. 

So this is what I did this year:

I visited five different shuls this year in three different cities, and I wish there would be more. I invested hundreds into creating a book collection on judaism, so I can fulfil the promise of educating myself. This includes a good learning Torah. I visited a torah interpretation class (I left bc of frustration and health reasons). I found dozens of websites that I still frequent and learn from. I found a discord community for questions and answers around conversion and living jewish. I found friends who are jewish and who help me to learn about it. I went to a different city and took a Hebrew learning class (again, health reasons stopped me from finishing the course unfortunately but) and I learned to read Hebrew. I eat kosher within reason. I made myself a few different judaica (a challah cover, kippot, a tallit (not kosher yet, since I cannot tie tzitzit). I pray shacharit semi regularly and bless my food, drink and actions when I remember. Working on that.  I observed every holiday to the most of my abilities. 

However:  I have been neglectful and did not keep a record of my actions and learnings properly. I have not made the list of information for the holidays that I promised to make, so that is what I need to focus on next year. 

I have not read Torah regularly. I want to keep up with the yearly cycle a bit better. 

I have not been consistent with prayer. I want to practice that. 

I want to buy myself a set of cookery that is mine and that I can use for kosher meals. This will involve planning and money.

My health is not going anywhere I need to learn to do these things despite it and just push through. There’s no benefit from taking care to go slow. There’s no way to bring back what I miss through that. 

---

My shul has begun a new structure for teaching potential converts, so I am going to partake in every class I can. It is so lovely to study and learn, it makes my heart full of joy. 

My bf jokes that I take it all too seriously, that it’s the baby convert phase adn I will care less and do less as time goes on. It is a bit hurtful, but I understand that it’s based on his own bad experience. I hope that even when I am no longer a baby conversion student, I will be willing to learn like this. 

That’s all I can think of off the top of my head. 

Happy New Year! See you next decade.

[joshiesjourney]

Shabbat Shalom! 

Napping on shabbat is a mitzvah as it makes the holy day more enjoyable! (I promise you, this is a real thing, I am not just making things up to take more naps). I get so comfortable when I wear my tallit, I sometimes think I might fall asleep in it. SO this picture was created.

[joshiesjourney]

How so? I am curious on how an existence or non existence of God would change anything about what I just wrote. 

An Open Letter to God

I was mad at you, you know. I was mad because I was praying to you for answers but you gave me none. They gave me none. None other than that essentially, they think my suffering is not caused by my body. That it’s from my mind. They lie, saying it can be cured, but I know that this kind of illness is not only not curable. Its success of treatment is incredibly slim. If they are even correct in their ideas. 

Sadly they think they know the answer. So they stop thinking and looking. They see every new element as just fitting with their diagnosis of insanity. So I am alone now, in a surrounding that won’t believe me, even when things escalate and land me in emergency care. So I will stop caring now, stop hoping for answers. I was mad with you because I was desperate to know if my suffering meant I was in danger. If it was going to keep spreading. If I could loose my life to this suffering. But the doors to the answers have closed for me and I am left with no choice but to hope they are right. If they are right, there is no danger. If they are wrong, I won’t know until it’s too late. 

I was mad at you. Not because you inflicted the suffering but childishly because I was hoping that the words we pray could come true. That you can ease the illness of the sick. For me, easing my mind with answers would have been a miracle. But that easement did not come. Things are still getting worse. And I have given up. 

I was mad at you for bringing me to the point of giving up. Everyone always asks “why me?” and I try not to ask that question. There is no answer. And even if there were one, it would not change anything, I would not get better from knowing why I was made to suffer. I would not grow closer to you or further, I would stay the same. There is no answer and I do not want one. 

I am more curious for how much more I can take. When I think I have reached the limit I always find more strength inside me to push through. To pray when the touch of my clothes on my skin sets me ablaze. To go to class when my hand is locked in spasms. To stubbornly keep walking when my hip is subluxed. I have no other choice. As my body finds new meaning in the number 10 on the scale, as the lanyard gets pushed further and further, I can do nothing other than follow it. And while I didn’t know where I got that strength from, I think now that I get it from you. 

I was mad at you because I thought I wasn’t heard. But now I feel like this is how you are replying. Not in easement. But in strength. 

You know my heart. You know my wish to be your student, to be part of your people, you know how it encompasses me and frames my decisions. I follow the laws of food that you gave us, as much as I reasonably can afford. I sew and collect the items that form your day to day worship. I hide my eyes in prayer and from the light of the shabbat flames. But these things are only the ritual and visual. 

For you I have changed the way I see the world. I have adapted a much kinder take on human kind. I have re-assessed the worth of life. I have a deeper appreciation for the value of existence in and of itself. I have started regular donation to charity and carry change in my pockets. I am zealous to share my knowledge and learn new crafts so I can give back to people and the world. You have made my life richer just be being part of it, by being in my routine. In eternal struggle with your Torah, I am learning your words and binding them to my hand and forehead to fight and question every one of them. You are worth this struggle. 

The suffering makes it harder for me to do these things. But I choose to believe that you are letting me feel just a tiny reward by giving me the strength I need. I am going to teach a girl to swim in two weeks, fulfilling her biggest dream. I teach first aid classes for a meager wage, because it might save a life. I thank the bus driver every time I can. I listen when my roommate is upset about school. These things, to me, are deeply religious acts. Even if on the outside they look ordinary. Many people do these things and they need no reason for it. I do not need a reason for it, I do not believe that there is a reward in an afterlife for good deeds in this one. 

Tikkun Olam. Bettering the world. That is a reward in itself. God, thank you for giving me just enough strength to do these things. 

But where does this leave us? 

I was mad at you. I am still a little bit, but less. The realisation of the deep, intense trauma caused by the medical mishandling of my case is helping me to grow closer to you again. My anger is not just for you. It is born out of anxiety from this mishandling. I hope you will understand my feelings. I hope you accept my apologies. 

I have given up finding a reason for my suffering. As long as it is not dangerous, I just cannot find it within myself to care. In about a month I pray I will be back on pain medicine, mitigating the suffering just enough to push through. But if I cannot get it, I will continue to push through the suffering until the end. 

You know where that end is, God, but I do not. 

I am in your hands. I place my trust in you. I fear you as much as I love you. 

As long as I am in this strange in between, a place with no proper name. A goyim, a non jew, but also becoming one. Someone who prays to you like a jew, who tries to live like a jew, who is naturalising into the jewish people. I hope that I can endure through this in between and push until that all changing dip. Once, be’ezrat hashem, I emerge from the waters… My suffering won’t be over but the strength you have given me will find a blessed conclusion as a new chapter begins. A new struggle. But not alone. There is no reason why I shouldn’t reach this point, as I have your strength with me and there should be no danger to my life.

This is a letter to you, a prayer. A request for your help and guidance. An apology. The pain I suffer is something I can and will endure. With or without answers, with or without assistance. I will endure it until the end, with your help. 

- a conversion student

[joshiesjourney]

Does that matter or change anything about what I wrote, wether or not God exists?

An Open Letter to God

I was mad at you, you know. I was mad because I was praying to you for answers but you gave me none. They gave me none. None other than that essentially, they think my suffering is not caused by my body. That it’s from my mind. They lie, saying it can be cured, but I know that this kind of illness is not only not curable. Its success of treatment is incredibly slim. If they are even correct in their ideas. 

Sadly they think they know the answer. So they stop thinking and looking. They see every new element as just fitting with their diagnosis of insanity. So I am alone now, in a surrounding that won’t believe me, even when things escalate and land me in emergency care. So I will stop caring now, stop hoping for answers. I was mad with you because I was desperate to know if my suffering meant I was in danger. If it was going to keep spreading. If I could loose my life to this suffering. But the doors to the answers have closed for me and I am left with no choice but to hope they are right. If they are right, there is no danger. If they are wrong, I won’t know until it’s too late. 

I was mad at you. Not because you inflicted the suffering but childishly because I was hoping that the words we pray could come true. That you can ease the illness of the sick. For me, easing my mind with answers would have been a miracle. But that easement did not come. Things are still getting worse. And I have given up. 

I was mad at you for bringing me to the point of giving up. Everyone always asks “why me?” and I try not to ask that question. There is no answer. And even if there were one, it would not change anything, I would not get better from knowing why I was made to suffer. I would not grow closer to you or further, I would stay the same. There is no answer and I do not want one. 

I am more curious for how much more I can take. When I think I have reached the limit I always find more strength inside me to push through. To pray when the touch of my clothes on my skin sets me ablaze. To go to class when my hand is locked in spasms. To stubbornly keep walking when my hip is subluxed. I have no other choice. As my body finds new meaning in the number 10 on the scale, as the lanyard gets pushed further and further, I can do nothing other than follow it. And while I didn’t know where I got that strength from, I think now that I get it from you. 

I was mad at you because I thought I wasn’t heard. But now I feel like this is how you are replying. Not in easement. But in strength. 

You know my heart. You know my wish to be your student, to be part of your people, you know how it encompasses me and frames my decisions. I follow the laws of food that you gave us, as much as I reasonably can afford. I sew and collect the items that form your day to day worship. I hide my eyes in prayer and from the light of the shabbat flames. But these things are only the ritual and visual. 

For you I have changed the way I see the world. I have adapted a much kinder take on human kind. I have re-assessed the worth of life. I have a deeper appreciation for the value of existence in and of itself. I have started regular donation to charity and carry change in my pockets. I am zealous to share my knowledge and learn new crafts so I can give back to people and the world. You have made my life richer just be being part of it, by being in my routine. In eternal struggle with your Torah, I am learning your words and binding them to my hand and forehead to fight and question every one of them. You are worth this struggle. 

The suffering makes it harder for me to do these things. But I choose to believe that you are letting me feel just a tiny reward by giving me the strength I need. I am going to teach a girl to swim in two weeks, fulfilling her biggest dream. I teach first aid classes for a meager wage, because it might save a life. I thank the bus driver every time I can. I listen when my roommate is upset about school. These things, to me, are deeply religious acts. Even if on the outside they look ordinary. Many people do these things and they need no reason for it. I do not need a reason for it, I do not believe that there is a reward in an afterlife for good deeds in this one. 

Tikkun Olam. Bettering the world. That is a reward in itself. God, thank you for giving me just enough strength to do these things. 

But where does this leave us? 

I was mad at you. I am still a little bit, but less. The realisation of the deep, intense trauma caused by the medical mishandling of my case is helping me to grow closer to you again. My anger is not just for you. It is born out of anxiety from this mishandling. I hope you will understand my feelings. I hope you accept my apologies. 

I have given up finding a reason for my suffering. As long as it is not dangerous, I just cannot find it within myself to care. In about a month I pray I will be back on pain medicine, mitigating the suffering just enough to push through. But if I cannot get it, I will continue to push through the suffering until the end. 

You know where that end is, God, but I do not. 

I am in your hands. I place my trust in you. I fear you as much as I love you. 

As long as I am in this strange in between, a place with no proper name. A goyim, a non jew, but also becoming one. Someone who prays to you like a jew, who tries to live like a jew, who is naturalising into the jewish people. I hope that I can endure through this in between and push until that all changing dip. Once, be’ezrat hashem, I emerge from the waters… My suffering won’t be over but the strength you have given me will find a blessed conclusion as a new chapter begins. A new struggle. But not alone. There is no reason why I shouldn’t reach this point, as I have your strength with me and there should be no danger to my life.

This is a letter to you, a prayer. A request for your help and guidance. An apology. The pain I suffer is something I can and will endure. With or without answers, with or without assistance. I will endure it until the end, with your help. 

- a conversion student

[joshiesjourney]

An Open Letter to God

I was mad at you, you know. I was mad because I was praying to you for answers but you gave me none. They gave me none. None other than that essentially, they think my suffering is not caused by my body. That it’s from my mind. They lie, saying it can be cured, but I know that this kind of illness is not only not curable. Its success of treatment is incredibly slim. If they are even correct in their ideas. 

Sadly they think they know the answer. So they stop thinking and looking. They see every new element as just fitting with their diagnosis of insanity. So I am alone now, in a surrounding that won’t believe me, even when things escalate and land me in emergency care. So I will stop caring now, stop hoping for answers. I was mad with you because I was desperate to know if my suffering meant I was in danger. If it was going to keep spreading. If I could loose my life to this suffering. But the doors to the answers have closed for me and I am left with no choice but to hope they are right. If they are right, there is no danger. If they are wrong, I won’t know until it’s too late. 

I was mad at you. Not because you inflicted the suffering but childishly because I was hoping that the words we pray could come true. That you can ease the illness of the sick. For me, easing my mind with answers would have been a miracle. But that easement did not come. Things are still getting worse. And I have given up. 

I was mad at you for bringing me to the point of giving up. Everyone always asks “why me?” and I try not to ask that question. There is no answer. And even if there were one, it would not change anything, I would not get better from knowing why I was made to suffer. I would not grow closer to you or further, I would stay the same. There is no answer and I do not want one. 

I am more curious for how much more I can take. When I think I have reached the limit I always find more strength inside me to push through. To pray when the touch of my clothes on my skin sets me ablaze. To go to class when my hand is locked in spasms. To stubbornly keep walking when my hip is subluxed. I have no other choice. As my body finds new meaning in the number 10 on the scale, as the lanyard gets pushed further and further, I can do nothing other than follow it. And while I didn’t know where I got that strength from, I think now that I get it from you. 

I was mad at you because I thought I wasn’t heard. But now I feel like this is how you are replying. Not in easement. But in strength. 

You know my heart. You know my wish to be your student, to be part of your people, you know how it encompasses me and frames my decisions. I follow the laws of food that you gave us, as much as I reasonably can afford. I sew and collect the items that form your day to day worship. I hide my eyes in prayer and from the light of the shabbat flames. But these things are only the ritual and visual. 

For you I have changed the way I see the world. I have adapted a much kinder take on human kind. I have re-assessed the worth of life. I have a deeper appreciation for the value of existence in and of itself. I have started regular donation to charity and carry change in my pockets. I am zealous to share my knowledge and learn new crafts so I can give back to people and the world. You have made my life richer just be being part of it, by being in my routine. In eternal struggle with your Torah, I am learning your words and binding them to my hand and forehead to fight and question every one of them. You are worth this struggle. 

The suffering makes it harder for me to do these things. But I choose to believe that you are letting me feel just a tiny reward by giving me the strength I need. I am going to teach a girl to swim in two weeks, fulfilling her biggest dream. I teach first aid classes for a meager wage, because it might save a life. I thank the bus driver every time I can. I listen when my roommate is upset about school. These things, to me, are deeply religious acts. Even if on the outside they look ordinary. Many people do these things and they need no reason for it. I do not need a reason for it, I do not believe that there is a reward in an afterlife for good deeds in this one. 

Tikkun Olam. Bettering the world. That is a reward in itself. God, thank you for giving me just enough strength to do these things. 

But where does this leave us? 

I was mad at you. I am still a little bit, but less. The realisation of the deep, intense trauma caused by the medical mishandling of my case is helping me to grow closer to you again. My anger is not just for you. It is born out of anxiety from this mishandling. I hope you will understand my feelings. I hope you accept my apologies. 

I have given up finding a reason for my suffering. As long as it is not dangerous, I just cannot find it within myself to care. In about a month I pray I will be back on pain medicine, mitigating the suffering just enough to push through. But if I cannot get it, I will continue to push through the suffering until the end. 

You know where that end is, God, but I do not. 

I am in your hands. I place my trust in you. I fear you as much as I love you. 

As long as I am in this strange in between, a place with no proper name. A goyim, a non jew, but also becoming one. Someone who prays to you like a jew, who tries to live like a jew, who is naturalising into the jewish people. I hope that I can endure through this in between and push until that all changing dip. Once, be’ezrat hashem, I emerge from the waters... My suffering won’t be over but the strength you have given me will find a blessed conclusion as a new chapter begins. A new struggle. But not alone. There is no reason why I shouldn’t reach this point, as I have your strength with me and there should be no danger to my life.

This is a letter to you, a prayer. A request for your help and guidance. An apology. The pain I suffer is something I can and will endure. With or without answers, with or without assistance. I will endure it until the end, with your help. 

- a conversion student

[joshiesjourney]

Let’s make 5780 the year for a Radical Love that lights up the darkness with sparks of justice, shalom, and overwhelming kindness for every human being, animal, and our planet.

Gmar Hatima Tova! To all of those observing Yom Kippur, I hope that you have a meaningful , reflective, and inspiring day.

[joshiesjourney]

[joshiesjourney]

“So are you orthodox or conservative or…?”

“Well, I’m sephardi!”

“Oh… Okay… But are you like an orthodox sephardi or like a reform sephardi or…?”

“I’d say I’m the kind of Sephardi that’s about to shove a boot up your ass”

Seriously fuck ashkenormativity.

[joshiesjourney]

This might sound really weird but I went to a Jewish elementary school and was raised in the conservative tradition and knew to stand up straight during birkot hashachar and knew to read trope and follow the service to the letter. And I find great comfort in that still, and can pray like that.

One time, in a youth service, the rabbi stopped during michamochah and told us off for sounding listless. He reminded us of the origin of that prayer, how joyous it was meant to be. That kind of meaning had usually been skipped over in all I knew about services. It came out of the blue as an OF COURSE sort of moment.

I’ve started going to a new reform shul. The rabbi has an ear piercing and plays a bongo on Friday night. He makes notes at Torah study on Saturday morning. Nobody seems overly concerned about following the Rules, there’s a reverence for them, but they’re so much more focused on Meaning than Rules. And it’s so awesome to see.

I’ve said the opening line to the amidah countless times. I do shacharit every morning, but I never really even considered what it actually means. At this new shul, we sing it out loud together, and then sing the English translation. I was blown away when I first heard it, how could I have forgotten that Meaning?

The rabbi prefaces the Kaddish by reminding us that the words never mention death, only life. How we can find Meaning for that, too.

I’ve been jewish my whole life, and I’ve loved being Jewish my whole life, loved my Jewish students and my jewish traditions, but I’ve never really been In Love with Judaism until recently, I think. That’s really really cool to feel and I’m so happy about it?

[joshiesjourney]

Do you know why Judaism is so difficult to convert to? I can't find an actual answer, just people explaining how hard it is and not saying why. I know most religions you have to go through some sort of process (like Christianity has baptism and stuff) but Judaism's seems extremely difficult. Is it to make sure the person actually wants to convert and isn't just doing it for the hell of it?

While there are several answers you could give to this, I think my answer comes down to a few main points: 

1. Jews do not believe gentiles should be Jewish, and do not believe that there is any particular reward or moral supremacy in being Jewish.

Christianity generally holds that people need to convert to Christianity, that there will be a severe and eternal punishment for people who don’t convert to Christianity, and that there is a moral obligation to proselytize. In light of these perspectives, it makes sense to have an expedient conversion process (what if someone dies before they get a chance to Accept Jesus?)

Because there’s no particular reward for being Jewish, and because, in fact, being Jewish tends to have many drawbacks (like dying horribly), we do not share this sense of urgency about conversion.

2. Judaism is the religion of the Jewish people, and confers a set of obligations onto Jewish people that gentiles do not share. 

Some quick and simplified context: after delivering the Jews from slavery in Egypt, God appears before all the Jews at Mt. Sinai. He gives us the Torah and we, as a people, make a pact to follow its commandments. 

You may have heard the concept of Jews being God’s Chosen People. This is often misunderstood as meaning that Jews are asserting themselves as more important than all other people. 

What this actually means is that the Jewish people have this specific pact with God to follow the Torah’s laws, and thus have responsibilities and obligations that gentiles do not. 

There are 613 commandments that are obligatory for Jews. There are, by contrast, 7 moral laws for gentiles, which include “do not murder people” and “please don’t eat body parts off of animals while they are still alive.”

So converting to Judaism involves making this very serious choice to join in on the covenant between God and the Jewish people, to take on the enormous responsibility of following all of these commandments, and to confer those responsibilities on the children you might eventually have. When, again, we don’t believe there is any moral obligation for you to do that. 

Because some of these commandments are associated with particular times of year (e.g., holidays), a convert-in-progress needs to go through at least a calendar year of learning what exactly they’re signing up for, and how those observances are done. 

And yeah – because we’re one people, and tend to share a collective fate, and tend to be punished collectively, I suppose there’s also a very real need to “vet” people who would like to join. 

[joshiesjourney]

I really like the examples you have chosen here. The whole “look at these other ridiculous laws” has always sat weirdly for me, I am happy that you put into words why. 

My first stop would be to explain that the passages homophobes like to use have many interpretations because of vocabulary being lost over time or changing meaning. And also because it’s judaism and every word in the Torah has three different canonical interpretations.

But if people do want to chose the interpretation that having gay sex somehow goes against God’s will then I think these passages from the Torah are a good place to pick up. I’ve been trying to live “whoever humiliates another in public forfeits their place in the World to Come” as strongly as I can and “one shall not say to a person words that hurt them or cause them pain against which they cannot stand” is another one that has shaped me a lot on my conversion process, changing how I talk and treat others. I hope they can change and influence others in a positive way too. 

just a friendly reminder that this type of rhetoric is misleading, (in my opinion, slightly antisemitic) and not the way to go about fighting religious homophobes.

religious jews still follow these laws. we dont wear clothes that have a blend of wool & linen (laws of shatnez). fresh produce in israel follows all of the agricultural laws outlined in the torah. as for some of the other laws i always see referenced: we don’t eat shellfish or pork or anything prohibited by the torah. clean-shaven men will only ever use electric razors never blades. we don’t work on the sabbath, we observe the sanctioned holy days, we believe in, love and fear God and obey God’s commandments.

personally, i find the rhetoric harmful and insulting for three reasons. one, it only works on the (very christian) premise that the torah is outdated, and that ~nobody in their right mind~ would follow those laws anymore. two, it tends to ignore the fact that lgbtq+ orthodox jews exist and have to live through the struggle of being lgbtq+ and observant, despite community backlash, severe judgement and institutionalised homophobia. and three, it gives homophobia-masked-as-religious-observance some sort of legitimacy because yeah, the rest of those laws are kept in varying degrees by millions of people.

don’t fight homophobes by saying ‘look at all of these other ridiculous laws’ – those laws matter to a lot of people, including me, a jewish lesbian. instead, say ‘do not stand idly by your fellow’s blood (leviticus 19:16)’, ‘whoever humiliates another in public forfeits their place in the World to Come (avot 3:11), ‘one shall not say to a person words that hurt them or cause them pain against which they cannot stand (sefer hachinuch, mitzvah 338)’, ‘do not do to others that which you would not wish them to do to you. this is the whole Torah; the rest is commentary (gemara shabbat 31a)’, and what is perhaps one of my favorite verses in tanach, ‘to what is good and just is more preferable to God than sacrifice (proverbs 21:3)’.

oh, and here’s a good starting point for educating your religious friends and family members. 

[joshiesjourney]

[joshiesjourney]

Shabbat Shalom, friends!  שבת שלום!

May you have a peaceful and blessed Shabbat!

[joshiesjourney]

I am Sick + Progress

I have been very ill and am only now finally getting treatment that works (maybe? we’ll see). 

Within the last two months my thyroid function became clinically relevantly low because of Hashimoto’s disease (which tbh is probably still ongoing) AND I have been going through a bad flare of Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, a disease I did not previously know that I even have. It is a connective tissue disorder and for all intents and purposes I am being treated as if I have it, even if the diagnosis will take another two months minimum to be conclusive. 

I have been struggling with extreme, increasing fatigue and pain in my fascia and joints. Studying torah has been impossible simply because I cannot focus on it AND study for school too in one day. 

However I have started taking hormones to compensate for my damaged thyroid and I started a new pain medication yesterday that can finally take an edge off of my pain. With new vigor I am going back to my studies, bit by bit, and increasing my religious life at the same time. 

Some positives: I have not missed a single kiddush since the first one I documented here. I made myself some candle holders and bought locally produced bee’s wax candles to make it more special. While I have to work every other Shabbat, when I don’t have to I make the day special and am strict with myself to rest. I prepare cold meals in advance, I do not touch money, I do not do work, when possible. I try not to travel during Shabbat either. I think and pray a lot and when I am well enough, I study a bit about Judaism and Torah. 

I have gone vegetarian for the sole reason of stopping to mix meat and dairy, as well as avoiding non-kosher meat. So far so good on that front! 

I am dressing modestly as much as my health allows (I cannot always tolerate the heat, generally it comes as a sudden heat flash and I am forced to take off layers until I am wearing only a t-shirt, even if it’s in public. I try to dress accordingly.) 

I am covering my head, which to me, with myself, is an important symbol of modesty. I wear a hat, again, as much as my health allows. 

I am involved in a jewish discord group and learn from them every day. 

I am involved in my jewish community, attending every holiday as it comes (I attended Purim, the Pesach Seder and Shavuot so far)

I am going to go to Hebrew summer school, even though it means postponing other, important plans. I am serious about this conversion. And while I may be forced to take things at a slower pace than I want, I am getting so much joy and peace out of it that it is worth it to me. 

The secretary at my university told me that she sometimes has to deal with students who don’t want to come to classes or prefer partying to school. She wondered out loud about how I on the other hand wish I could make it to class but simple physically can’t. 

I do not wish to be seen as that kind of inspiration and pushing. But I am stubbornly moving on. I hope that anyone who reads this who is struggling understands that if you tried and failed, that’s not a moral failing of yours. Try again, try a different pace, try a different approach. 

If I am not converted in 10 years, I am ready to work towards it for 10 more. That is how important this is to me.