just-something-4-me - Tumblr blog

[just-something-4-me]

idk if anyone else would feel similarly, but existing seems to just be really difficult these days. even if you exclude the worldwide stuff and just focus on stuff in the direct vicinity, there's just SO much hate and fear going through our communities. call me crazy, but I have a hard time focusing on living my best life when people I know and love are watching theirs be taken from them. I have faith in the Christian god; I practice Orthodoxy. that's something that puts me on the outside a lot of the time; lgbtqia+ don't see folks who believe in the Christian god in a great light these days. here's the difference though: I think he's PISSED to see what "Christians" are doing in his name. The laws being enacted are in direct opposition to the life we were told to live by Christ.

idk. maybe I'm just feeling like an imposter? being bisexual, I can "hide" easily. I got married to a man and had kids; I look heterosexual on the outside. that means I've got more room to breathe. but I'm also a woman; laws regarding my rights and my body are also being enacted. that's something else I think "Christians" would be getting the evil eye on.

ugh. living and existing are just really hard for me to do right now. everyday there's something that makes me feel like I'm just trash blowing in the wind.

looks like my depression is fighting back against my meds again....

[just-something-4-me]

5 posts!

[just-something-4-me]

https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTREquFuS/

Help her? She needs to hear from her wife!

[just-something-4-me]

Is It Just Me?

Am I fighting alone? Or is there someone going through this too? Honestly, I don’t want anyone else to go through this. It’s isolating and lonely and sad. Even if there are days when all is right in the world and nothing could take that away from me.

What is this bitch talking about?

I’ll tell you: I’m talking about living life as a woman with depression, anxiety and ADHD who is married to an autistic man and has two autistic kids. Sometimes I feel like we’re all speaking a different language and none of us can communicate what we’re feeling to the others.

Sometimes I just need a minute alone to poop and my husband will come open the door and ask, “how’s it going?” I’m pooping, how do you think it’s going?

Sometimes I need my husband to take his fifteen minute break and play with the kids so I can have some quiet and he’ll text me the whole time asking if I’m coming to relieve him so he can go back to work.

Sometimes my husband tells me what he needs and I completely misread it because I’m looking at context clues and body language and he’s being so. fucking. literal.

Sometimes my oldest is stimming in a destructive way and I have to gently and cautiously guide him into a stim that isn’t going to hurt him or his little brother.

Sometimes I try to be as literal as I can possibly be, and my husband takes the thing I say and still asks me to be more specific next time because he didn’t think I meant what I said.

Sometimes I just want things to be less chaotic. My mental health is at al all time low, and I feel like everyday I’m a piss-poor excuse for a mom and a wife. But I also don’t feel like I’m doing anything *for me* to give my own needs some attention.

Can anyone relate?

Me time is so rare. I get a few hours once or twice a week. I crave it, and feel guilty for taking it all at the same time. I know that I need to care for my own needs first so that I can better care for the needs of my family, but I also don’t want to neglect my family to care for my own needs.

See how vicious that cycle is?

Something related:

Recently on Reddit, I told someone that they didn’t owe anyone anything. They are a struggling adult female in a relationship who is finding self care tasks impossible. Her partner told her, harshly, that she needed a shower and she asks if she is the asshole. I tell her that she is NTA and that she doesn’t owe anyone anything. She should take baby steps towards self care tasks and celebrate each step as a milestone until she is better able to care for herself.

The other Reddit folks thought if she was in a relationship she owed it to her partner to shower because “it’s not fair” to him to have to deal with that. In my opinion, the OP is not in the wrong. She needs to shower, of course. But not because she owes her partner. She needs to shower because she owes it to herself.

I mention the Reddit post because so often I feel like that OP: I don’t have the energy to shower or brush my teeth or change my clothes. I just want to lie in bed and wallow because that’s easier. But I’m not in a mental state where I can’t find the energy for that stuff. If I was, I would hope that no one would tell me that I owed my husband the kindness of showering.

Idk. I guess I just want to feel validated on some level and know that I’m not a shit person because I need alone time occasionally and sometimes don’t want to be around my kids or my husband. I love my family with all of my heart. I love each day that I get with them. Nothing in the world would change that.

But every now and again I need time to be alone and not have someone climbing all over me, calling my name every 5 seconds, crying because their brother touched something they were playing with, or because the kids dropped something and the floor is now a mess.

Tell me, tumblr, am I alone? Or is there anyone else out there feeling like shit for needing “me time” and not knowing what to do about it.

[just-something-4-me]

Tired.

Lots of people use that word to describe how they’re feeling, but tired isn’t really a feeling, but more of a state of being. Sometimes I use “tired” to answer people who ask me how I’m feeling. It’s become my default answer.

And it’s not completely inaccurate. I don’t sleep well and often I stay up too late because I can’t fall asleep. But it’s not the full truth either. I’m not just tired, I’m at the end of my rope. I’m not just tired, I’m depressed. I’m not just tired, I feel like nothing is going my way.

Tired isn’t offensive though. It’s easy to say, “I’m tired,” and the conversation moves on quickly to more comfortable topics. Maybe if I told people how I was really feeling, I’d have less friends. Maybe I’d have more real friends.

[just-something-4-me]

Today I’m meant to be training for a new position at work. Little do they know, I’m waiting on my background check to go through so I can give my 2 week notice and get out of here. On one hand, I feel bad since they’ll be taking the time to train me. But I don’t feel bad because they’ve kept me on the hook, putting me in a position I didn’t want and then replacing me as soon as I started to find my groove.

All of this, because I have two kids and can’t afford to put them in daycare. The people here would tell me that they aren’t punishing me because I’m poor, but it damn well feels that way.

I just hope that my next job isn’t one that I feel I have to leave after being there only a year.

[just-something-4-me]

Ok, so why is it that every time I try to do better, I end up doing the same old shit over and over again. It’s like, I recognize the thing I’m doing wrong, but once I try to fix it, I find myself going back to old habits. I can’t help myself, it seems.