kaleidoscopeheartache

[kaleidoscopeheartache]

I think it’s safe to say we are officially in a slump in our relationship. I feel like we are roommates and that’s virtually it.

We haven’t had sex in nearly a month. And I haven’t really wanted to. I get irritable about so many things that he does, like start laundry and not finish it and leave me to do it, or say he wants to do other chores but gets distracted by Elden Ring, which he is playing for a fourth fucking time. I’ve tried to start projects for the two of us, like redoing the guest bedroom or planning the gallery wall in the living room and making art to go in it, and as soon as I start buying stuff and trying to do something, he wants no or very little part in it. It feels like any time I bring up anything that I like or want to spend time doing (reworking our rooms, wedding planning), he would rather get away from the conversation or change the subject. And then he wonders why I don’t want to have sex or feel attracted to him right now. It’s like well maybe it’s because I haven’t felt like you’ve put any effort in whatsoever to catering to me and my love language. When’s the last time you did something for me that I didn’t ask you to do? When’s the last time you planned something for me? When’s the last time you even thought about doing something so effing small, like writing me a note or getting me flowers or paying for a car wash or LITERALLY ANYTHING.

I’m gonna be your wife. We can’t just skate along saying that this is a romantic relationship when there is no romance. My therapist in my last session told me to do some homework on what turns me on. You know what turns me on? Effort. A clean house. Showing that you give a shit about me beyond just saying I love you and being my roommate. That does not cut it dude. Prove it. You’re doing the bare minimum right now.

On top of that, work isn’t great. I didn’t get the jobs I’ve been interviewing for, for stupid reasons. I don’t feel great about my body. I have little energy to stay committed to my fitness goals right now because everything feels out of place. I’m spending too much money. This election is looming. I’m just so over it right now.

[kaleidoscopeheartache]

So. We’re getting married. And in Spain. Which is an insane fucking thing to say, but it’s true. It’s happening in June 2024.

However, in making this decision, my future father-in-law is now saying that he’s “not morally on board” with the way we’re approaching our marriage (I.e. not getting married in a Catholic church, living together pre-nuptials, etc.), and he is basically like I love you but I don’t love you enough to go with you because this is in disagreement with my faith.

First of all, we are going to be legally married by the time we go because dealing with a marriage license abroad is a bitch. So, we’ll be technically married already. Mike’s brother got married earlier this year and did not get married in a church, and he still attended (after giving them hell too and legit only deciding day-of that he would go, which is soooo fucking rude).

Second of all, and I cannot believe I like need to tell an adult this, we are adults and can make our own decisions. We are not asking for financial contributions whatsoever from him, we legit just want him at the ceremony because it would be really meaningful to both of us, but especially to me. Mike’s mom died a few years ago so his dad is literally the only parent left (plus his new wife), and he’s threatening to not go to his first child’s wedding because “he can’t in good conscience go to support it.” I am not asking that he marry us or for him to not be uncomfortable with the idea that this is not the way he would recommend going about heading into a marriage, but straight up, I feel like it is so fucking wrong and selfish to tell your own son that something else is more important to you than being there for him on one of the most important days of his life. I legitimately do not understand the kind of insane commitment he has to the fucking Catholic Church that would put him in a position to put something else over family. Over supporting your own kid.

It boils my blood. Mike is like kind of fine with it at this point, because he’s been having stupid arguments with his dad for years. He has gone off the deep end with his like insane conspiracies and sheltered church groups to the point of actually alienating his family. Like excuse me I’m not done with this conversation. You can’t just choose that something is more important than family and welcoming ME into that family without us talking about it 1:1. Do you know how insulting it is that he not only wouldn’t want to stay with us (plus we are paying for all our guests to stay in the villa) but that he legit would not come at all? Like you don’t actually want me in your family if you won’t come to our wedding ceremony and you are able to, simple as that.

It’s just so heartbreaking to watch Mike justify it, meanwhile I’m like livid over here like HES CHOOSING HIS FUCKING FAITH OVER BEING THERE FOR YOU! HOW IS THIS OKAY???

He did say he would come to our post-party in PA, but I don’t really understand the difference. That is meant for people who can’t attend the small event in Spain, not like close close family that should be helping you get dressed on your actual wedding day. Giving a speech. Dancing with you as a married man.

I’m just so fucking angry. How am I supposed to move into our marriage together knowing this is going to keep coming up? He’s going to keep holding things over our head and threatening to back away from a relationship with us as soon as we do something that “doesn’t sit well.” Like I’m sorry but screw you. Mike only has one living parent and you’d rather isolate yourself than be there for your kids? I cannot reconcile with that.

[kaleidoscopeheartache]

Honestly this Christmas is kind of awful

Yes I’m grateful to be with (some of) my family since I was not able to last year

Yes I’m happy that Mike is home with me

Yes we are insanely blessed and privileged to be able to afford the kind of Christmas mornings we have

However

Our family cat may be passing away today or tomorrow. He checks all the boxes and is just so so weak and tired. The poor baby has been losing weight and not grooming for a long time now. He can’t really walk or stand on his own. My mom is a wreck because of it. I keep crying on and off. My brother came over to say goodbye and he was sobbing.

I haven’t really been able to spend the holiday with Mike, since we were exposed to Covid on Monday and he’s been showing symptoms, though super mild, so he’s been kind of reclusive. I wonder too if he’s also kind of fine and just doesn’t feel like being around us. I get that vibe sometimes I wish he would just talk to me about it.

Mike did not get me a gift like… at all. And I hate that I feel annoyed about it, I mean he did warn me a few days ago. Not that that is an excuse either I mean I literally bought his gift(s) weeks and months ago. I would’ve thought he would’ve at least tried to like write me a letter or a card or something even if he couldn’t buy anything. Especially since he didn’t even do anything yesterday or really the day before. It’s irritating that I was told about it but even though it obviously made me upset, literally no action was taken to make any effort or anything better. It’s kind of unacceptable honestly. I don’t want to be constantly disappointed when we get married.

Patrick is not with us. He moved out a few months ago down the street and was supposed to be visiting Steff’s parents today with her, but her mom’s got lupus so couldn’t possibly be exposed to us if we were exposed to someone else and don’t know the verdict on our prognosis. To top that off, he didn’t even end up going to their house because they’re fighting. She’s still staying with him though, so he couldn’t even come over. This is the longest I’ve gone without hanging out with him, since we missed him in June at the beach by a day. Kinda blows that we drove all this way just to see him through a doorway.

And we can’t find a fucking Covid test anywhere. They’re not in stores or online, and everyone and their mother is trying to get an appointment somewhere so they’re not available for scheduling. Plus, it’s obviously a holiday weekend so more stuff is closed anyway. I don’t understand how clearly omicron has been raging the last few weeks and this administration did not plan to have enough testing available to everyone to prevent more spread. I want to do what I can to protect people but if I can’t get tested, what am I supposed to do???

I’ve got a week left before I have to return to work. I think we’re canceling our New Years party plans because other friends in Charlotte have Covid too now. I kinda just want to get back home but I also don’t want to have to take care of Mike alone. Again it feels like he’s fine but is really leaning into the “I’m sick” thing which I know guys do but it’s also kind of insulting but understandable because if it IS Covid you don’t want to get people sick or be around them but we also travelled all this way to be with my family and it’s just exhausting to have to play nurse at the same time. Like even now he seems better than he was yesterday, had no fever this morning, just congestion. And he has been sleeping for like 3 hours.

We looked at engagement rings earlier this week together and I was really excited about it, and now it just feels like that is years away. I’ve put in so much effort lately for his birthday and Christmas and everything, all while my projects for work were launching and I was working so so much just to be able to comfortably close out for the year. And he’s like just literally coasting, did not even put effort into getting something for my parents for hosting us like he said he wanted to. I’m just irritated and I fucking hate Covid and anti vaxxers and Fox News

[kaleidoscopeheartache]

I’m so angry at Mike right now and I can’t even put into words why.

It feels like everything I’ve said “I like this let’s do this or watch this” about lately he’s had critiques I don’t even understand. He already won’t watch scary movies with me, a hobby I’ve really enjoyed in the past but literally have barely done since I’ve dated him. He doesn’t like outdoorsy things and/or is not a great sport when he’s put in a situation where there’s outdoorsy stuff that he wasn’t expecting. Even going to Nathan’s show this weekend I was so excited to see his friend play live music and geek out about how cool it is and I don’t feel like I can share that side of me with him like at all. Because I’m worried he’s just going to feel self conscious that one of the things I really enjoy I happen to be good at.

Maybe it’s that. Maybe I’m missing that outlet in my life via anyone, and I’m wishing that he would like the things I like so it could just be easier. I’ve lost the friends I could do so much of my life with. And he can’t be all of that. And I’m mad that he thinks when I’m upset it can just be fixed like that. That’s not how I operate and I’ve told him that again and again. And we even talked about this exact thing like last week. How he never lets me have room to breathe when I get upset and is always dying to figure everything out, how everything needs a solution, a what can I do better question answered immediately. I don’t have that answer right now. I don’t know what to say, I’m just mad, and making me talk is making me angrier at you.

This is not the first time this kind of exchange has happened. I’m so over doing this same dance and then I feel like the guilty one because he gets anxious when things aren’t solved, even though I’ve asked for space and it’s just not being given to me.

Some sick part of me enjoys when I can’t give him an answer right away, or some assurance. It makes me feel like he’s forced to confront what he could lose. Is that really bad?

[kaleidoscopeheartache]

Eek this feeling kinda sucks.

We got home from trivia and all had to pee because beer, and as soon as I come out of the bathroom you’re already in your office door closed, headphones on, about to play games. When I look in, you turn around looking guilty. Your brother is in the other room, and instead of spending time together, you do what you can do every other night of the year.

And it might be the fact that I consistently date younger guys and that that bothers me

But it might also be influenced by how I forgot that I had started laundry - your laundry - and it needed to be folded and switched over and you didn’t even give a shit

It might be that I’m starting to get salty that every single thing on the agenda that we have, I’m planning for it. I’m paying for the gifts, I’m booking the places and the flights, I’m thinking about renting the car, I’m planning boarding or I will be driving, I’m doing everything. You just get to show up.

I don’t want to get resentful like my mom or like any other wife I know because she ends up doing everything.

I don’t know how many times I’ve said I wanted to go to the Van Gogh thing, and you haven’t even looked into it. Every time I want to do something special, am I going to have to plan it myself? While you just play video games and want to have sex?

God it’s starting to feel like Austin all over again

I don’t want to be the one that does everything all the time, or the one that gets bothered by clutter and filth and has to clean it even if I didn’t make the mess. I want you to step up and be an adult. Save money for things that would benefit the two of us, or your house. Not just toys. Keep your space tidy. Help me plan for things. Contribute.

Idk maybe this is also period hormones but I am just feeling so much older lately and I’m kind of sick of it. I want my partner to be an equal. I don’t want to feel like I’m babysitting.

[kaleidoscopeheartache]

So many weird dreams wtf

1. “Edging” felt like an infomercial or a sketch of really dark comedy. Dude uses a straw and realizes when he rubs it on certain colors he feels close. Ends up peeing all over himself. Something else about a dating app or matchmaking system and this guy’s only match was an old man who liked peeing on himself so... lol this one was so weird it was almost filmed like it was in the 80s? Weird synth music and fuzzy visuals. I think it’s because I watched that Crows 64 vid on Game Theory yesterday.

2. Brought someone to a theme park I’ve been to before where there was supposed to be a dragon themed roller coaster but it was reskinned or in its offseason where they removed the music and it was lame.

3. Was hanging out in a group with a guy named Will and was debating with him whether to cheat. I was like laying on top of him and he kept saying things like “if our lips touch and you don’t close your mouth it doesn’t count.” We ended up kissing because of course we did. This might be the same dream where we were playing some kind of video game and you could select your difficulty before the round started like tetris and this Will guy beat two hard levels.

I kept snoozing this morning because I’d fall right back into these weirdo dreams. What an eventful sleep.

[kaleidoscopeheartache]

We are openly talking about wanting to get married these days. Like very often, especially when we’re going to sleep. And I’m not usually the one to say it. But I am always thinking it.

[kaleidoscopeheartache]

I just have to document how sure I am I want to marry this man.

Today when I was cramping hard and was heavily period hormonal, he:

Went out of his way to pick a show I was bound to like that we had never seen: Indian weddings (Say I Do on Netflix)

Affirmed multiple times that I was beautiful and that he was attracted to me

Tried to make me smile by putting on YouTube quizzes that would make me feel smart or useful

Offered to get me Advil and was ok with me 1. Showering with him with a tampon in even though I elected 2. Not to shower

Discussed heavy topics like body image, personal achievement, and relationship security

Took a love language quiz when I asked him to

Danced with me to 00s and 10s hits

I truly feel special and loved and so so so into him I feel so goddamn lucky

[kaleidoscopeheartache]

We were really drunk last night watching The Last Jedi eventually you ended up on the floor near the toilet and I’m pretty sure I asked you if you wanted to marry me and you said yeah, not sure when, but yeah absolutely.

👀

[kaleidoscopeheartache]

We started talking about engagement and our wedding today 👀

[kaleidoscopeheartache]

I don’t know why I’m harping on this so much but the gift giving thing is really getting under my skin these days.

I think some sense of self awareness about how bad you are at gift giving does not give you a full pass to just skip it altogether and “just go out for a nice dinner.” Like, you’re not even trying at that point, you’re just trying to get out of it.

It kind of pisses me off when I can count on like one hand how many times you’ve gone out of your way to do something nice for me and I do it for you like... very frequently. I helped you move, organized your stuff, cleaned your house and apartment regularly... like, I can’t even get you to do my dishes.

Effort is all I want in a relationship. Show me that you love me, don’t just tell me. Get me something you think I’d like just because. Take my dog out when we’re in bed in the morning and I don’t want to get up. Offer to cook for me without me ending up doing a good chunk of it.

Idk. I’m just being salty bc I saw a friend on Instagram post about how her bf came over with flowers and cleaned her kitchen wordlessly when she had a bad day today and I remarked how you likely would not do that for me without expressly asking if I wanted it.

But I don’t want it to be a long term grievance like it’s already becoming. This is also not exactly the kind of thing that’s easy to communicate without sounding needy or ungrateful. It’s the unspoken little things that add up that make a relationship shine. I don’t want to be the only one thinking about them all the time.

[kaleidoscopeheartache]

I have a habit of being verbose when I’m trying to get my words/feelings/whatever’s out, so I’ll just stick with this:

I am so, so, so grateful, proud and excited to do life with such a wonderful human. I hope I measure up to be as much as half the partner you deserve.

Happy 26th birthday, Mike. I love you more than I can write.

[kaleidoscopeheartache]

What a one fucking eighty

Last night I was dreaming about what our house would look like together

Tonight you’re defensive and say you put enough effort in when I’m clearly telling you you’re not and I share that of course when I think of a future you are part of it and now feel silly that yours doesn’t necessarily involve me

Cool

[kaleidoscopeheartache]

Mike put an offer in on a house yesterday (that I picked out) and it got accepted today so I may or may not be high key freaking out

Because what if that’s my house

What if we get married and it becomes our house

What if we have kids and it becomes our family’s house

Ho. Ly. Fuck.

[kaleidoscopeheartache]

Ok so it’s not just me fucking things up.

Sometimes you don’t listen to me and then things go wrong and then you act dumbfounded as to why.

Sometimes you don’t walk next to me. And instead you walk 10 steps ahead or behind. As though we’re not together.

Sometimes you dismiss my feelings with a “hope you feel better” instead of trying to address a problem.

Sometimes you don’t even ask what I want. Sometimes we just make plans based on what you want and I just go with it because I want to make you happy.

Sometimes you do something out of the way for me, but it’s only when I’m upset or had a bad day. Not on regular days, so it makes me feel like you’re only capable of doing something for me when it feels like things aren’t right.

This feeling sucks.

[kaleidoscopeheartache]

Why am I actively fucking things up

He loves you and just wants to fuck all the time

Why are you taking that as anything other than him being horny he obviously wants to be with you outside of that too

I feel like I’m sabotaging myself

He was like this is how my other girlfriends have broken up with me before, they wanna slow down the sex and then they’re like yeah things aren’t working anymore

I’m like lol if only you knew I’ve been dreaming about living with you for like months now

[kaleidoscopeheartache]

“I was breathless today looking at you, not able to believe you’re so beautiful and I’m so lucky”