kidmillionz-blog

[kidmillionz-blog]

Advice from my mum and my grandma

For as long as I can remember my mum and my grandma have been full of “helpful” advice and superstitions. It seems like they have a rule for every one of life’s curveballs. Some of them make sense, a lot of them don’t. Either way they are usually witty, insightful or just plain unusual or bizarre in nature. It is my duty as a woman to pay forwards all the advice I have been given in the hopes they offer guidance to my fellow ladies.

So in no specific order, I give to you, ‘A Ladies Rules and Superstitions for Life’ plus a few extra gems from other women in my travels and how they were given to me.

- ‘Friend and Friendly, learn the difference’. My mum says this one all the time. Naturally in life we are exposed to a lot of different people. For the most part, it’s brief. You should make all interactions as pleasant as possible, don’t get me wrong, but that doesn’t mean you should invite everyone into your life. For example, we would all life to adopt every cat and dog in the pound and bring them home, but that’s not very practical now is it? Just because the last at the cafe is nice to you when she takes your order, doesn’t mean you will be BFFL’s. Because the guy at the butchers is cute and smiled at you, does not mean you will both live happily ever after, nor does it mean he is in love with you. For the most part this is custom service or just nice people. Just because they are friendly, it doesn’t make them your friend. Many a time working in hospitality I have been asked out by a totally inappropriate customer due to fact I am friendly. I am paid to smile and bring you food. If I don’t I will lose my job. It doesn’t mean I am auditioning for the wife role, nor is it a true reflection of who I am and how I feel. So before you ask out or make plans with the customer or service person that is a third of your age, smiles at you a lot, returns frequently or chucks you a free coffee from time to time, ask yourself, “friend or friendly”. Trust me, it becomes super awkward super quick when you get it wrong, for all involved.

- ‘If your shoes squeak you didn’t pay for them’. This pearler is one of my Grandmas. The first time I remember her saying it to me I retorted with “are you saying I stole my shoes?!” “No I am saying you didn’t pay for them”. I was 6. Of course I didn’t bloody pay for them. I’m wasn’t some child star with an income, how the hell am I supposed to own things? Mum bought them. Not all my shoes squeaked, so early on I learnt this bit of advice was hit and miss. I still to this day can not offer and explanation or source to this. But it will always spring to mind when I hear squeaking shoes.

- ‘Enough is as good as a feast, but too much is worse than none.’ This is my mums spin on an old English proverb. Made popular by Mary Poppins this advice is overindulgence. Barry White counters this with his famous opening line “I've heard people say that too much of anything is not good for you, baby, but I don’t know about that”. Let’s remember he died at 58 due to complications of a poor diet and over indulging. This may be one of the few things my mum says that actually makes sense and is helpful for life.

- ‘It’s ok if the other Batman says it’s ok.’ My brother, that was about 4 at the time had 2 Batman figurines. One day he was making them kiss each other but questions the action. He turned to mum and asked her “is it ok that Batman kisses the other Batman?” To which my Mum told him “it’s ok if the other Batman says it’s ok”. In one shot my brother learnt consent and tolerance of others sexuality. A fine parenting moment if I do say so. We still sometimes say it when questioning consent or sexuality.

- ‘Poo, Bath and an Early Night.’ Ever mother has a cure all strategy. This is my mother’s, her back up one is ‘was your face.’ She’s not really wrong, they do often work for a lot of common illnesses (provided you don’t take a dump in the bath and fall asleep. Please do one at a time). Wasn’t super helpful when I snapped my hamstring, but great for a cold or the belly ache.

- ‘Black People were born at night.’ This one was from my Grandma. Not really sure where the logic is. She wasn’t a racist, but she would say this often.

- ‘If 2 strangers both touch a teapot at the same time on a train then they will have ginger twins.’ This one is from my mum. Why? I don’t know. How? Don’t ask me. What? Couldn’t tell you. But it’s out there now. Enjoy.

- ‘Don’t eat straight out of the tin or you’ll get tin poisoning.’ Another one that doesn’t follow the rules or logic or reason. Don’t know now it makes a difference if it’s already been sat in the tin forever, but she would go mental if she saw you doing it. Thanks Grandma.

- ‘Don’t eat yellow poo.’ Sound advice on my 18th birthday from my mum. Yes she jumbled up the timeless “don’t eat yellow snow”. Yet she insists on pushing her own personal spin. Are there colours of poo you can eat? No. Are people actually taking yellow poos? I don’t want to know. Does this help you in any way, shape or form? Definitely not. Will I keep spreading her good word. You better believe I will.

- ‘Go on, Cry More, You’ll Piss Less’. Words of comfort from my grandma when we were cry. Beautiful stuff. I don’t know if there is any actual science backing this up. Who knows, maybe it’s real. But I will tell you what, hearing it when you’re crying does nothing. Doesn’t offer any comfort, nor does it take it away. It’s just an odd thing to say.

- ‘To Keep Your Mouth Shut, People Will Think You’re Stupid. To Open It, People Will Know You Are’. A teacher once said this too me. I was doing some random course for some random reason. She just turned to me and said this. I was in my very early 20’s. I never occurred to me another woman would say something like that to me. I am very chatty. But as an adult (sort of) I thought I had the right to be as such. Apparently not. But you know what? She’s not wrong.

I’ll try to add more as they come to me. But may these useless readings serve you well, as they have me.