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Actively suicidal but not wanting anyone irl to know how bad it is or do anything about it so just posting into the void in a place where I can be anonymous

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Did you know that people commit suicide even in Hawaii? It should be paradise, right? It should make people happy, right?

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This is the purest, most beautiful thing I have ever seen in the entire world. What a wonderful experience wow honestly what a privilege to be graced with this sweet perfect thing at 4:14 in the morning

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the thing about toxic friendships/relationship is that as well as there being the obvious step of trying to break out of it, trying to accept that you’re in a toxic friendship/relationship can be just as difficult. you spend a lot of time and energy worrying ‘what if i’m just overreacting?’ ‘what if my expectations in a friendship/relationship are just too high?’ ‘what if i’m making myself out to be a victim when i’m not one?’, but my personal rule of thumb is that if you feel threatened or uncomfortable in any way, something is wrong and you have every right to be worried. friendships/relationships should lift you up and make you feel more deserving of a good life, and you should be doing the same for your friends/partner(s), so if you’re in a friendship/relationship where you don’t feel lifted and instead feel dragged down, something is very wrong and needs to change.

if you think you might be in a toxic relationship or friendship, don’t shut down on yourself or your worries. don’t blame yourself, because that is what the abuser would want you to do. talk to others whom you do feel comfortable around, read articles, post on forums, but whatever you do please do it safely. don’t keep yourself in the dark just because you’re worried that you might be melodramatic. if you’re being brought down, you are NOT being melodramatic. you deserve to be happy, and if anything in your life is preventing this you deserve a change for the better.

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esp the people who did it alone 

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Classic dogs memes

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Making decisions

The husband and I spent quite a while yesterday discussing whether I needed to go into inpatient hospitalization, because I’ve been having suicidal ideation for about a week, but I don’t have any urges to act on it ... but my moods are so unstable lately that by the time we realized I was having urges it might be too late.

Thus far, we’ve decided I don’t need hospitalization to keep me safe. I’m seeing my therapist *and* going to a group therapy session today. I think I can keep myself safe and don’t need hospitalization to do it for me. They would just let me out in 3 days, anyway, because I’m not an immediate danger to myself or others.

And I *do* have a plan (the doctors always ask you if you “have a plan”), but it’s one that takes days to accomplish, so it would give me plenty of time to come to my senses.

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I’m halfway through Queer Eye and they’ve somehow taken the time to tackle issues like police brutality, racism, homophobia in the church, the stigmas of being gay and black, among other things?? In a makeover show??

I keep waiting to get annoyed at things. Like the episode where they had to help a man who worked two jobs and had to support a family of 7 and had no time for himself. How was he supposed to afford their regime on his own or even keep up this maintenance? To my surprise, they took him shopping at Target! (And they also took the kids!) They really did make him look nice within budget. They found quick and easy ways for him to get ready. But they forced him to expand his self care time anyway because it was important to spend some time on himself. It was kind of lovely.

Every episode starts off like they’re going to fix the outside of someone and ends with them fixing the inside of someone and I’m never emotionally ready for it no matter how far away I can see it coming from. 😂

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Minimizing

So how much do you REALLY need help? I mean ... what makes you think you’re so important? Seriously ... your problems aren’t that bad and you should just stfu.

I was crying a lot tonight and feeling really terrible, but I’m in absolutely no state to talk to a real live person ... so for the first time ever I texted the 471-471 warmline.

But before they’ll text with you, they send you to fill out this questionnaire, and it all seems to be written in my mom’s tone of voice.

Are you really in pain? I mean, REALLY? You really think your pain is so bad? What, you say your arm is broken? Well, have you tried a Band-Aid? What about Tylenol? Really, is whatever you’re going through REALLY something important enough to be bothering us about? Are you actively suicidal? If not, maybe you should just go pet your cat instead of wasting our time.

I felt like their gatekeeping questionnaire encouraged minimization to the extent that even if I HAD been actively suicidal I might still have felt like I probably shouldn’t waste their time because there’s probably someone else out there who’s worse off than me.

I think they scared me off enough that I’ll probably NEVER feel like my tears are worthy of their attention.

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Kitty accidentally presses the turbo button and dog does hundreds of zooms. Astounding. 14/10

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Some very strange ideas

I recently explained to my toxic, narcissistic mom that I would not be in contact with her any more, since she has explicitly stated (and proven) that she will do and say whatever she wants, regardless of whether it hurts me or anyone else. I told her I wished her well, that I was grateful to her for the sacrifices she’d made in raising me, but that I would not allow myself to be hurt by her any more.

My mom responded, and this is a direct quote, “You have turned out to have some very strange ideas about how a family works and how to treat your mother.”

Yeah. These past few years I fell in with a real bad crowd that taught me about treating people with kindness and respect, and—even more shocking—having a right to expect the same in return.

They’re some very strange ideas, I know, but I kind of like them.

I hope they spread.

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Finally

I finally did it. I went no contact with my toxic, narcissistic mom. I sent her the email yesterday. I’ve been low contact for about 4 years, but I finally couldn’t take it anymore.

So I’ve gone from low contact to no contact. It feels weird. I’m happy and sad at the same time. It’s like someone I love has been kicking me on the floor for 47 years, and now I finally stood up and walked away. So I’m happy that I’m not getting kicked anymore, but I’m sad that I’ll never see the person I loved again.

Because yeah. I loved her. I still love her. No one is all bad, and there are good things about her. But she’s also mean, and ... none of the good stuff is worth having someone mean in my life.

So ... yeah ... I’m free. I’m happy and sad. But I wouldn’t have done this if I wasn’t sure that the happy will win.

They should make “Congratulations on your estrangement!” Hallmark cards.

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Me: why is it so hard to take a shower?

Also me: it’s not, you’re depressed.

Me: oh yeah. you right.

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lately i’ve been replacing my “i’m sorry”s with “thank you”s, like instead of “sorry i’m late” i’ll say “thanks for waiting for me”, or instead of “sorry for being such a mess” i’ll say “thank you for loving me and caring about me unconditionally” and it’s not only shifted the way i think and feel about myself but also improved my relationships with others who now get to receive my gratitude instead of my negativity

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so hey who else was taught as a kid that “”””wanting attention”””” in any way was wrong and shameful and has grown up unable ask for help or support even in great distress/suffering

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Because happiness can be contagious…

There’s a blog called @peartreeproject where people are submitting happy memories, and they’re lovely to read. If you’re feeling sad, they might bring a tiny bit of light to your day … and if you remember something happy then maybe you’d be willing to share it to help bring light to someone else’s day.

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why didnt you call the cops or cps?

how about this: when i was 9 and my stepdad beat me until i passed out and i told my friends at school, my teacher over heard and i was interviewed by cps. they also went to my house when i was at school. when i got home, my step father was waiting on the couch, and told me who visited him that day. he told me if i ever snitched again he would beat me to within an inch of my life.

how about this: my mother locked me out of the house when i was 14 and when i cried so loud the neighbors called the cops, the cop told me i should have been respectful of my mother who was trying to sleep.

how about this. the demon you know is less scary than the demon you don’t.

children in abused households are raised to fear the idea of being taken away. children in abusive households see that help makes things worse.

dont you ever blame an abuse victim for not going to the authorities.