kittyfoxbae

[kittyfoxbae]

traumatic experience

i want to open up about a traumatic night that forever shaped how i interact with people and how i view how i interact with people.

in 2019 i met a person online from wales named ray. he was willing to engage and talk with me, and I found him very interesting. we played lots of minecraft together, and i considered himself such a close friend that i built him a mansion in his multiplayer world.

i was a very different person than I am now. I was a dumb teenager, and all of the things i know about the world and what is acceptable/good/right did not exist in my brain. i made the evil decision to prank ray by making a fake discord account as a girl and making him fall in love with this girl. the whole time though, he was texting me. i am not justifying this, this was evil and he was right to be upset about it.

he felt very betrayed, and told me about how i was not to message him again. i am the type of person though that likes to make amends for things like this, so a few months later in february, i messaged him with a long paragraph trying to apologize.

he replied with this:

"ewww what is this disgusting piece of sh*t stuck to the bottom of my shoe?"

me: what?

"eww why's it talking"

he then proceeded to insult me. the first thing he did was declare that he only played minecraft with me because he was sorry for me, that I kept him from doing more interesting things, and that my buildings "looked like the romans had autism"

he then proceeded to discuss at length how boring i am as a person. he told me numerous times that compared to his other friends, every conversation was me was boring, annoying, and that i have no social skills. he made fun of all the things i did open up to him about, made fun of a story i wrote, and then proceeded to search back in our chat's history to find a photo of me i sent him.

ray spammed that photo to me like 100 times while declaring me the ugliest human ever. he simply would not stop calling me ugly. he called me deformed, a mutant, and said that i was melting.

after he got it all out, he blocked me. i felt vaporized by this experience. before it, i faced the exact same issues i face today: social rejection. no matter what i do nor how hard i try, no one wants to be associated with me, no one likes talking to me irl or online. never wondered why, but after this, i started thinking a lot about how maybe the reason why is because i am boring. maybe the way i text is different from what people normally find, so when people talk to me, they get bored and leave. just a theory though.

made me very anxious. it makes me try to put huge amounts of effort into any conversation to not be boring. i dont play minecraft online with people either anymore. it made me suspicious of anyone who was in a state of being a friend to me. i would always wonder in the back of their minds if they were only there because they felt sorry for me. it also made me feel very ugly.

[kittyfoxbae]

this blog is really cringe

its just a random speel of unorganized thoughts and ideas. its very weird and probably drives people away when they see it. i need to delete these posts and figure out how to properly vlog and how to write clearly.

[kittyfoxbae]

holy mukyu am i anxious right now. i am getting so old.. 23... the energy and haze of youth will begin to end soon. i am getting very uncomfortable with that fact, knowing that i may have lost the chances to make memories.

i hate venting about this to people on the intenet, especially if their neurotypical, as they always just say "well you can make memories whenever lots of people first get a social life in their 30s" but i dont want that

i want a social life in my youth. i want the wild stories and adventures that you plain dont get hanging out with a bunch of fellow 30 year old hipster looking millenials. people will always deny this, but whether they like it or not, people change as they get older. well, they always change for the bad, dropping the fun youthful habits in favor of boring "maturity". if i end up getting old and i never got to have any of the youthful experience i desire, i might as well become a hermit because im not associating with other old people who will just be a bunch of normies who only talk about their jobs and dogs and wives and other boring adult things. why is it such a crime to just want to be a literal teenager your entire life? why is one so vilified for being immature?

[kittyfoxbae]

hurt

i will never deserve any sympathy or empathy. i made it a point to hurt people. if i made someone upset, cry, angry, or any negative emotion, i would feel pleasure. that is the definition of pure evil.

when you hurt someone, they will feel shocked at first, and that pain will always linger in their minds. why hurt people when you can try to make people happy? why did i not come to that conclusion earlier.

evil human emotions and traits now disgust me. pride, ego, wrath, greed, all of these things i actively thought were good... so embarassing. so disgusting.

i really want to be pure. i really wish somehow i could be completely purified and cleansed of all the evil in my soul and of all the memories. every instance of me hurting another would be reversed, and the only thing left is innocence, and purity. if i was innocent and pure, then i would be loved, but i am living my punishment. i firmly hold the belief that because i forsook the only person in life who truly loved me, i am currently living a punishment. every instance of bullying, every instance of social rejection both online and irl. Every failure. Everything is a punishment. I deserve it.

[kittyfoxbae]

I have been in a zombie like state since Thursday. Am very numb with zero thoughts in brain. Please lift

[kittyfoxbae]

i wanted to talk about what happened at work today, but it was just too scary. today only proved my observation that this world is filled with people who have thought patterns that lead them to do bad things. tomorrow, no work, which means i can spend more time posting here. goodnight

[kittyfoxbae]

An incident has occured at work today. I am very scared for my safety. Will blog about it tonight.

[kittyfoxbae]

new vegas dungeons

i hate it when new vegas fans say that the game is more about the story than the gameplay. dude how can i even enjoy the story when the gameplay sucks and the world has objectively worse dungeons than fallout 3/4?

[kittyfoxbae]

sometimes the feeling is right

you fall in love for the first time

heartbeat and kisses so sweet

summertime love in the moonlight

oh yippy yi oh ah

oh yippy yi oh ah

now that summer is gone

you have to go back home

please come and see me again

i never felt so alone

(baby i am missing you)

i want you by my side

(and i hope youll miss me too)

come back and st ay

(ill think about you everyday)

i really want you to

(you swept my feet right off the ground youre the love i found)

dr jones, jones, calling dr jones

dr jones dr jones get up now (wake up now)

dr jones, jones, calling dr. jones

dr jones dr jones get up now (wake up now)

[kittyfoxbae]

I LOVE YOU. so much. we've been apart for so long, but i still feel this within my heart for you. at the root of all my thoughts, all of my problems, all of my negativity, is because you are no longer in my life. BUT WHY. WHY DID I THROW YOU AWAY LIKE THAT. i dont want pity because what i did was THE ULTIMATE DISPLAY OF EVIL I COULD HAVE EVER MUSTERED. i miss you. i miss you so much. I CALLED YOU A DIAMOND BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT YOU WERE. a diamond is unique compared to the stones around it. the other stones are bare. but a diamond stands out. you want to grab the diamond.. all of the stone that i find nowadays... it's all just the same neurotypicals. they have no flavor to them, no personality, they are bland. i will never ever have you again. i will never experience what it is like to be human again because you made me feel human for once in my life.

emptiness. it is such a cliche term but that is what i feel always since that night. neurotypicals treat me the same. if they arent bullying, they arent caring, even when interacting with me. they ask me how are you, i say im okay and you, and then they just say im good. what am i supposed to say to that. why do you neurotypicals find that so stimulating? with goddess, everything had a hook to it. everything i could lead off of, everything was actually stimulating.

i really wish i could escape my mind. there is a person deep down within it who is me, who is stuck by the confines of this brain. all of the trauma, regret, depression, trance. im just so tired of having to exist within all of it. i want a pure brain, an innocent brain. but my personhood, which is apparently what i mean by me, will forever be locked here.

[kittyfoxbae]

returning to my blog

i privated my blog after someone irl found out about my blog. i think its now time to unprivate it. i dont want to filter myself even if they see it. i dont care about any of that. about my life, its been someone bouncy. about my weed addiction, i was doing really good at like two weeks of sobriety. i felt like i came out of the trance. i relapsed though, but i am doing everything i can to break that evil, evil habit.

normies have continued their persecution of me. just today, someone called me "little guy:. i really hate it when i am dehumanized via infantilization. i know that i do not have the intelligence of a child, so it offends me when people think my autistic traits is the result of an intellectual disability. i am very paranoid and anxious around neurotypics nowadays. i dont feel they truly understand what i am thinking underneath the face i put to the world. i have lots of thoughts about them, the things they do, and the way they think. they just will never know them.

i feel so so so detached at the moment. like all of the little affairs of the world feels non existent to what's in my mind. it's interesting hearing about politics in this state. the antics of the politicians used to be my entertainment in life, but now it feels like a distant memory, the only thing i am thinking of being foxbae. so egotistical. must. quit. reefer. I want to end this post to start a new post to talk about my thoughts about an irl topic

[kittyfoxbae]

i dont like the word mature, or the concept of maturity. i consider maturity to be a made-up social construct, but unlike other made up constructs like hierarchies or masculinity, maturity is put on a pedestal.

i always viewed maturity as society attempting to repress ones natural human traits. i find it very, very disgusting to try to repress anything that is naturally part of oneself, whether that be natural human behavior (squatting for example) or habits unique to oneself (stimming, communication style, etc). society, with their concept of maturity, will cause a person to unhealthily repress these natural human habits in favor of the "mature" way. i find it disgusting, repulsive, and downright evil that societal constructs can damage and repress *who* a person truly is. i feel the exact same way about masculinity. i am not masculine by society's standards by any means. before i realized the inherent evil of societal constructs, i attempted to be masculine, repressing my own habits and traits in favor of what society considered "manly". i feel the same way about maturity.

i have been called immature a lot for the person i am. and no, it's not just from *some* people, it's from *most*. that is an objective fact that will be denied by the majority of society. i have been called immature by friends, family, and the one love i had because of my love of stuffed animals. my reactions to bullying, which is crying and hating the bully, has always be called immature. what i desire from life itself has always be called immature. i have been told by everyone that instead of going for what i want, i need to go for an altered version because that's what "mature" and im a dumb kid who doesn't know anything.

maturity does not exist. the closest objective thing to it that does exist is wisdom. but wisdom is not objective, nor does neurotypical society have the right to say what is wise and what is stupid, but it still does regardless. i consider wisdom to be the knowledge gained by a person that helps them survive and thrive in this life. meanwhile, maturity is a set of societal constructs that neurotypicals pressure people into following, and ostracize them if they do not.

the worst thing about this is that you can't escape it, no matter who you are. you could be a cool little goth 20 year old who parties 24/7, plays vidya games all day, and smokes ganja 24/7, but by the time you reach your 30s, society will judge you so hard if you are still like that, and as such, most people adapt. keep in mind you haters that i said *MOST*. most people will drop their old wild habits in favor of "mature" ones because they have jobs and families to focus on. if you try to be alt or dress any different from formal, timeless, or trashy athleisure, people will look at you. yes, you will say "well just dont care", but you have to realize that in neurotypical society, an egg that looks different will always be avoided. yes, you can associate with other eggs like you, but you will always have to deal with the fact the other eggs hate you.

that is what terrifies me about age. no matter what, ill never be able to truly be myself by the time i reach the later year. yes, i could, but knowing me and my autism, it will just result in me being alone, as always. i dont fear the physical or health aspects of aging, i just fear the societal expectations. they are unavoidable. this is because when you reach a certain old age, young people mostly do not want to associate with you anymore. you have to associate with old mature people, and thus, you have to adapt.

my nightmare is me in my 30s, coming home from work from my office job, and stopping at the local wine bar with my "friends". all they talk about will be job jobs jobs, family family family, dog dog dog, and other adult shit. there will be no going to wild college parties, nor hotbox sessions in the mcdonalds parking lot, or wandering the railroad tracks just to find something cool. it's all replaced with meaningless small talk, office parties with wine and that piano music, and family get togethers.

it's just so gross to me. it makes me want to vomit.

and to all the people who has called me immature in my life. maybe i like being immature, even in the stereotypical way. im in my early 20s, but people tell me i act like a 16 year old, and you know what, i like that. that LSD tab i had that night, it now serves as a guard against the hate i face. i know the truth about objective facts that society denies, and i know now that what's in my mind should always take importance over what's in the minds of others, no matter how many minds there are.

i feel so strongly about this, that even though i hate people who put maturity on such a pedestal, i would be even more disgusted and grossed out if they decided to drop those beliefs because of external influence and the pressure of another mind. even if i hate whats in your mind, i still think you should put whatever that is first and not sell out by changing it.

[kittyfoxbae]

one time, i took acid, and my experience from it shaped my worldview. one of the main things that i realized about life, society, humanity, the universe... there are certain objective facts and truths that tend to be denied by people if you acknowledge them.

an example would be my views on autism. you can try this yourself. go to any online forum that allows people to talk about whatever they want, and discuss how autism sees to make neurotypical people dislike and avoid you. 90% of the replies will be people denying this fact. they will use any form of logic to deny it, but the most common is what I call the "myself" fallacy ("what? youre saying autistic people are disliked by normal people? total bullshit. im a normal person and id never hate on an autistic person).

when i took the acid though, i was able to realize that ultimately, ones mind is the objective "universe" that one perceives. other minds do exist, yes, but your thoughts are your own. it made me realize that what you truly believe in your head, no matter how much society hates or denies it, should be considered the ultimate truth and put above what other people think. i consider yielding to the neurotypical hivemind to be a form of disrespect to ones own mind.

i think ultimately, one should maybe take advice, but never allow someone else to change their views, even if what you believe in is wildly despised. i will always hold the belief that autism results in persecution by stereotypical, and no matter how much they try to deny it, i will still believe this fact.

this is how i am able to someone keep going, despite how sensitive i am to hate and criticism. when i am insulted and bullied, i feel hurt inside. when people call me stupid and immature because of my beliefs, it stings my heart. but i survive by not yielding. i have always despised the concept of maturity, and my next post will discuss that further.

[kittyfoxbae]

i did not forget about you, my precious blog. too busy working. i will come back to you soon, tomorrow, to update you.

[kittyfoxbae]

i am the lowest form of trash to ever exist. i am so depressed right now. today was so horrible that i physically feel a blanket over my head right now. my brain feels dull, empty, and im not even high.

i was working my job today, and i just kept messing everything up. i kept messing up things that everyone else gets right on their first try. thats always been how my life is. i kept trying to do my best but i kept screwing up because i am no good for anything. my brain is defective and cannot do things that normal people can quickly.

i made my manager very mad at me today because i kept asking for help. i have a fear of authority so when he started to get frustrated at me, i was trying my best to hold back tears. when my shift ended i had to go to the bathroom to cry because i couldnt hold it in and now that i am home, my head feels so.. wrong, and bad. i do not like this feeling at all.

i remember when i use to think i could do whatever i wanted in life. i wanted to be a IT technician, or a coder, or an office worker. i wanted to do an important job. i cant even work basic fast food. i am worthless. i have no future. when my family dies/abandons me, i will most likely die on the streets alone from exposure. it's all my fault too. if i was born normal, i could do all these things right, but i am now. i am special ed, stupid, mentally weak, low IQ, and pathetic. everyone pities me too.

any normal person could handle this. they wouldnt let it affect them. they would just suck it up and be fine. but not me. i am truly pathetic. i had to run off to cry after my shift ended because i am an overemotional whimp.

my head hurts so bad.

[kittyfoxbae]

well, today was a double edge sword. two good things happened, i have a job, and the GTA 6 trailer released. but there was ANOTHER incident. THIS IS WHY I DONT LEAVE MY BEDROOM. my family drove me to work, and we got pulled over by the cops when we pulled into the parking lot of my work. they wouldnt let me get out of the car, so i had to sit there and i saw everyone in the building looking at me (a big no no)

when i was finally able to get out of that, i went inside, and a group of enemies were sat there: zoomers. they were dressed as stereotypical as possible, with the north face hoodies and those little tight jeans that are popular and also the adidas shoes. they all looked like fake gangbangers and im surprised one of them didnt have a cringe shiesty on. they honestly looked like a bunch of fucking high schoolers/kids. i REALLY fucking hate it when KIDS bully me because I AM A GROWN ADULT. WHY WERE THESE KIDS NOT IN SCHOOL???

when i was trying to tell my boss that i was there to work, those HEATHENS kept giggling at me. THEY KEPT LOOKING AT ME. my boss told me to sit down and wait, and then they decided to leave. one of them walked up to me. he had these dreads on and he was like "was that you getting pulled over cuzz?" and i did my typical "yeah hehe my family cant drive" and sure enough he giggled and tried to give me A FUCKING HIGH FIVE. i hate it when people touch me because i feel like i got their germs on me.

when the entire group left, one of the girls knocked on the window to say goodbye to me and was of course laughing. this was ALL in front of my coworkers who SAW everything. now they are probably gonna get the same idea to do it to me now.